I look up to my father,  

as he holds his head in his hands

“He’s gone.”

My lungs don’t fill, my breath hitches.

Time stops.

Someone grabs my shoulder, pulling me away from reality

The floodgates open as I become vulnerable

Crying into the arms of an unknown



A disease that cannot be cured.

He went from lively to barely being able to carry his own sons

He became thin and pale

Lifeless

Sitting in a wheelchair

But he wasn’t afraid to die



Wearing all black, staring into the eyes of a dead man

1 wife, 3 young boys.

They don’t know what’s going on,

They just know that he’s gone  



One year later

The youngest boy leaves this earth

No one knowing how, or why.

But that he went to join his father in heaven



They say love stories always have a happy ending

Not this one.

It swivels around me like a tornado

The bitter taste of it

Anxiety.

The kick from it

Betrayal.



How sweet it is

Leaving the pack behind

Getting to call this my own

Fresh, spicy, speciously sweet

A rib cage out of cinnamon and cigarettes.

I feel trapped.

Like a small mouse with its leg stuck under a metal bar

In a glass jar, lid ******* on tight.

Screaming.

No one can hear me

Goosebumps caress my body  

Fully.

Wholly.  

You look into my eyes; seeing dark grey clouds

Heart hardly pumping as my eyes bore into yours

I am dead.



Barely breathing

Glazed eyes pool

Salt dripping off eyelashes

Curves aching as nails dig deeper

I crumble under the touch

Blank face.

Blank heart.

I am dead.

What are you thinking?  

I don’t know

Hidden in the dark,

like a monster under a bed



Blank face, no expression.

Your walls are high, but so are mine

You’re trapped.

In a room without windows

A straight jacket around your heart

It’s trying to pump; you won’t let it



It’s dark down here

Pressure.

Drowns.

My.

Soul.  



I’m trying alright.

To piece together the way you work,

just like a potter and his clay

One day, you will cross this line

This fine line.  

We’ll be alright.

My brain betrayed me

Salt dripping off eyelashes

We’ll be a fine line

Fire and ice ignite

Mustard leaves crunch like my bones

Sunlight smiles in fear

Dead grass comes to life

Flowers bloom in the garden

Due stains the window

Oh, how funny it is to be in love

Intense emotions of belonging, falling

Smiles and tears, make or break

I was in love once.  



Piercing green eyes, like the dark forest

where he used to ride

Then there’s me, of course

Sitting on the sidelines, watching him break up the dirt  

beneath him with the tough rubber wheels

I was in love once.  



We sat, hand in hand on ‘our’ bench

E + C engraved, isn’t that cringey

Talking about the future,  

married, travelling the world together.

I was in love once.  



When everything was perfect, he didn’t see the same

Didn’t feel the same.

He questioned. He judged.  

I was left behind, staring at a blank wall while he

was on the other side making it higher.

I don’t love you anymore was written on the knife

that plunged into my heart

But I was still in ******* love once.



As days go by, tears dry

Feelings fade, love falls away

Memories turn to a haze, but when I see his face,

it all floods back, to haunt me again

I want to breathe.

To be able to fill my lungs with air,

without them exploding with a bang.

We live for a breath of fresh air,

gasping so that we can live another day

When our lungs are full, we need to breathe out.  

Exhaling out the pain and the past

Our breath is a symbol of moving on

On and on my brain won’t stop.

Voices in my head that’ll make me drop.

Everything pushes me astray.

Reality finally fading away.  



To all the screams in my head.

Hope you die and go to bed.

I’m not ok, but you cannot change me.  

No one will understand I’m a Banshee.



Killing and ****** flashes in my brain.

I know someone is dying in pain.

Newly found body, sprawled across the ground.

Going to hell? I’ll have the crown.

My body craves it, but I don’t want it

Every time I think of it, I sense the bile in my throat

Don’t give in.  

“I love the feeling, the burning.”

Can’t you tell? I’ve been raised like this

Indulging in the emptiness

Nothingness.

Eat.

It trickles down my spine like your fingers did

Staring into steamy haze,

the place where I hid.

Skin ignites ablaze  

Complications roll off my shoulders  

refreshing my sore soul.

Your lips curve into a smoulder

my body loses control.

Everything burns

my heart dances in the flames

as it takes a negative turn

No more games.

But as the past washes away,

my body melts like clay as I beg you to stay.

If the world was ending,

I would cry.

I would think of all the possible outcomes of my death.

Painful?

Beautiful?



Would the fact that death doesn’t scare me make a difference?

But the reaction would break me forever

This world is huge, we have no idea

We are blind.

We are deaf.  

To the fact that this world is selfish.



Why would I want to live in a place like this?

Ya know what, let’s become God

Let’s start again. Make a new one

A new life.

A happier one.  



Make it so that there is no pain

No suffering.

No tears, no scars

A place where we can live our dreams

To experience experiences.  



You are small.

You don’t matter.  

No one cares ya know

Not in this life. Selfish is what we are

We are like children who don’t share their toys

Like a teenage girl who howls

when she doesn’t get a Suzuki Swift for her 16th birthday.

She excites herself in mystery

Her red lips pop just like a cherry

No one knows her, no one knows her history

Her long black painted nails make her scary.

She’s a good girl, she feels so good

Nobody knows her like I do, inside and out

The way she looks at me, passionate, you know she would

Fiery golden eyes pour into mine with no doubt.

Do I really know her at all?

Her fears, dreams, wants in life

Hands cold, dead, small

She stands there, her heart punctured with a knife.

“How could you?”

Sorry darling, you have no clue.