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elizabeth Feb 2018
i handed you a gun,
so you could prove your trust to me.
but, instead,
you shot me straight through
and left me with a ******, aching scar of you.
elizabeth Jun 13
i dream of being a woman
who is nothing like me

she craves the bitter taste of black coffee the minute she wakes up in the morning
and she gets her sugar instead from fresh honey and strawberries from the market two blocks down

a frayed button up shirt hangs off her frame and her hands are coated in yellow and pink watercolors from her morning spent trying to paint the bouquet of wildflowers which on her kitchen table

she doesn’t fear heights
in fact she enjoys the small rush of endorphins she feels each time she steps out on to the tiny balcony of her apartment

her home is filled to the brim with books collected from lovers and paintings bought from the old couple who live next door
and the clutter of drawings on her nightstand doesn’t fill her with dread- she loves the smell of pen ink and pencil shavings

she stays up late enough to watch the sky turn from midnight black to the same colors her fingertips are stained with
for she doesn’t want to miss a single minute of the beautiful life she gets to call her own

but most of all
she doesn’t want to be anyone but herself
elizabeth May 2018
please don’t fall in love with me, I said,
i’m too broken, too much.
i will love you until it hurts,
and you will break apart too.
i don’t want to make you put the pieces of myself back together.
i need to be my own sun.

did you ever think, he said,
that, while I don’t need to be your source of light, I can make things a bit more bright?
that you don't need to give yourself completely to me?
that we don’t need to rely on our partner, but they can give us extra strength to become ourselves?

no, i said. i never thought of that
elizabeth Jun 2018
to love selfishly will leave you lacking
when they leave.
to love selflessly will teach you
who you are meant to be
the minute they walk out the rose-tinted door.

for the universe would not let the world break
a tender heart in return for nothing.
elizabeth Jul 2018
it’s been 7 months
and this morning i woke up in a room that’s not mine, in a bed with fresh sheets, with a pit in my stomach, and you on my mind.

i guess i have to stop thinking of him as the man after you and begin to view you as the boy before him. he is a man, and you aren’t.

you’re just a boy, and i should’ve known that, i should’ve seen that. but it’s too late for regrets and my drunken state consistently reminds me that you have no guilt in what you did or how you did it. my words are slurred and the view is blurry but it’s still clear that you aren’t who i thought you were. i somehow blame myself for that too.

i know that i’ve grown, i’ve grown exponentially. if you were to see me in my city by the park, you wouldn’t recognize me. the chaos doesn’t scare me and i’m comfortable  on my own. i stand taller and my nails aren’t bitten but are instead painted a soft blue like the ocean i’m no longer afraid to swim in. i’m much smaller than i once was. but my confidence makes up for it. he tells me that i’m wise. that nothing throws me. that’s how i know i’ve changed. i used to be such a new soul, so terrified by the fear that i would mess this up, that i would mess you up. but i’m not anymore. he tells me i’m mysterious, that he can’t place my emotions. i no longer carry my heart on my sunburnt arm.

but you don’t care, you don’t care that i’ve grown, you don’t care that i’m different. you don’t want to know who i am now or what i want from life. maybe that’s why i have trouble letting go. because if i do, you’ll be lost forever.

i don’t love you anymore but i don’t want to lose you. i guess i already have though.

so here i am, half a year later, with tequila tinting my mouth and the taste of his lips engraved on mine, thinking of you. he doesn’t worry about that, it causes him no panic that you still appear in my head. he looks at me with those big, dark eyes and tells me that it just shows how deeply i care. that he feels so lucky to have my love. that there’s nothing else like it.

he’s not alarmed by my issues the way you were. you’re both so different, it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that i once called you my soulmate, when everything makes endlessly more sense with him.

i wish you’d call, i miss your friendship. but the world moves on, the waves continue to wash away my memories of you, and i’m okay with being brand new.
elizabeth May 2018
there’s a little known fable
of a girl from the sea
who wore light pink ribbons by day
and slippers with ease

her hair was colored with honey and tea,
and when she laughed,
It was said that the water smiled with glee.

she saw white puffs of marshmallow right up in the sky,
as she sat on the sand,
she asked her mother to join them,
her mother answered “Why? That is not what is planned.”

“i want to see everything”, the girl of salt water said,
“i want to float like ship on the ocean
and fill the world up in my head.”

her mother dreaded this answer,
saying “please, my dear daughter of sugar and salt,
please know that those up there are tortured and trapped.
the only way to get there is to endure a pain with no bounds,
and that, my child, is something I would never allow.”

but the girl of the sea was stuck in her ways
so she set off to be hurt
and to set her life ablaze.

it’s easy, she thought, to break my own heart.
and she searched and she searched,
but the boys she crossed paths with were easy to outsmart,
and each heartbreak she felt was nothing unknown,
so the clouds laughed and said
“you will never be thrown.”

then one day she laughed,
and a boy with sea colored eyes smiled with glee.
he held her sandy hand and listened to her story of the great white spots in the sky,
telling her “you needn’t be worried, my girl of the sea. You will float as high as the waves can go.”
for once in her small little life, the girl felt she could fly.

but the boy grew tired of the scent of the beach, and he left her alone, with no answers, no prose
and the girl of the sea fell apart piece by piece,
her wound was cut deep
and the pain would not cease.

the sky took her in,
pulling her up through the trees,
leaving her on a cushion of fluff
and a bundle of breeze.

the girl of the sea looked left and right
and yelled day and night for the sun and the moon to help her,
But she could not escape, not even with all of her might.

there’s a little known fable
of a girl from the sea
who wore light pink ribbons by day
and slippers with ease

she let the pain take her over,
and with no ending in sight,
she was stuck in the clouds,
until she turned white.
elizabeth Apr 2018
i've grown up in a world with no breaks. in a world where challenges continue to appear in front of you and where mountains you must climb simply grow bigger and bigger. i've grown up in a world where people are defined by only their accomplishments or their lack thereof.  in a world where futures are based on pasts. in a world where there is no time to breathe and lie in the warm sand and taste the frigid air on your tongue when you first walk out the door on a snowy morning. in a world where making a mistake is synonymous with failure. in a world that has no escape, in a world that doesn't ever give in, in a world that doesn't ever make compromises. i've grown up in a world that is painful.

and i am young, i know. i know i am blind to much of the world and that my version of a painful life is painless to others. but the world should not be painful for anyone, this i also know. there should be time to stay up late with roommates watching and laughing at the t.v. shows that only come on at 2 a.m., time to bake cinnamon scented cookies that fill the house with a warmth like no other, time to run through grass with bare feet and not care that your soles get *****. i believe that life should be taken at a long, leisurely pace, that everyday should be a new start, that your past is the past, that the world should be full of love. i might not know much, but i know that the world certainly lacks love. if there is one thing i am certain of in this strange universe, it's that. there is almost nothing as beautiful as being embraced when everything feels dark and watching the sun come out again and that beautiful experience stems from love. love is soft, love gives up all earthly goods and achievements in order to see you shine, love lets you try again, love lets you breathe.

i want this world, this world full of love, not pain. i will love and love and love, forgive when i shouldn't, eat cupcakes and paint friends' nails with glittery pink nail polish. i will practice a life full of sunny days and dog walks in the park in hopes that the world will echo me. in hopes that, one day, love will touch all the surfaces in the universe and shine from everyone's glowing face to their painted toes.
elizabeth Nov 2017
“what do you fear most?”
he asked, his fingertips lightly tracing vague, indistinct shapes on my leg.
his eyes gently gazing at me,
awaiting a reply.

“falling from heights.”
I offered up.

He slowly nodded,
my answer pacifying him,
not knowing that I was lying
through my teeth.
In a way,
my greatest fear is falling.
But not the kind
where you stand on the top of the
Eiffel tower, heart racing, palms sweating.
My fear,
the thing that haunts my dreams at night,
the idea that is always in the back of my mind,
is him falling out of love with me.
But how am I to describe my fear
of the inevitable plunge into love
and his probable change of heart?
So, I answer with
the simplest explanation possible.

“Heights”, I tell him.

“Just heights.”
elizabeth May 2018
he kissed me
and i forgot your name.
all i wanted was his touch tattooed
on the soft skin around my waist.

he has this electric way about him,
and i’m drawn into his brown eyes.

he makes me feel new.

it’s so tempting
to fall into him
the same way i fell into you.

but i’m afraid that if i do,
i’ll forget my own name too.
elizabeth Oct 2016
i have imagined hundreds of perfect worlds.

one where we live
in a tiny apartment in a big city.
i spend my days writing in coffee shops
and you spend yours creating art
that every gallery in the city wants.
we cook dinner together
and eat it while listening
to the music of the taxis and the people in the streets.

another one where
we have a small yellow house in Seattle.
your art is hanging on the walls,
and there's a garden in the backyard.
when i walk through the door each day,
i'm greeted with
the sound of your laugh
and the scent of vanilla and pine-
it smells like you.
it smells like home.

i have thought up all of my ideal lives,
but, in the end,
it will always everything i could ever imagine
if i'm with you.
elizabeth Jun 16
i cried today for the first time since i moved to the city

i cried on the subway

it was nowhere near as glamorous as the movies make it out to be
the lighting was fluorescent  
and a homeless man begged for change
the air felt stale and i could smell the banana a toddler was eating across the aisle from me

i don’t cry beautifully
the tears came out in a heavy stream
and stained the collar of my white t-shirt
i knew my carefully shaped eyeliner was already halfway down my face by the time we stopped at 14th street  

i cried today for the first time since moving to the city
it finally felt like my city
elizabeth Sep 2016
i crave a life with you.
long, hot summer days by the sea
with your eyes matching the color
of the ocean.
snowy nights by a fire with your arms wrapped around me.
you're the only source of heat i'll ever need.
waking up by you on
saturday mornings. no alarm, no plans.
perfectly content just there by you and your messy bedhead hair.
hands pulling me closer under the sheets.

i want to start and end every day
with you.
hear your laugh when i walk through the front door.
feel your hands push me
into the ocean,
your voice teasing me for
disliking the cold water.

you're who i want to see
each day of my life.
you are all i need.
elizabeth Mar 2018
i can't stop my mind from wandering to (you)
and the way life felt when your heart and mine (were) combined.
the car rides spent holding hands where (my) whole body fell in love with the sound of your voice singing along to the radio,
the mornings when you kissed me and suddenly everything was full of light and (sun),
the long afternoons made up of nothing (but) moments that appeared so perfect i truly believed i had to be in a poorly written rom-com where, somehow, everything ends up just as they are supposed to.

i can't stop my mind from wandering to those seemingly flawless days, days where (you) loved me and only me.
yet, with those thoughts also accompany a multitude of heartbreaking nights that forever replay in my head,
the night that you (left), the night that i couldn't breathe without you, the night i realized my life (and) yours were disconnected from this point forward,
the night i realized our love wasn't what i thought at all and my life (now) was completely changed.
the night (everything) fell to pieces and i had no one to help me put it back together.

the two sides of my heartbreak are constantly fighting for which will reign supreme in my head,
and all i want (is) to move on from this, to remove every piece of you, both bad and good, from my mind.
but each time i seem to try and rid my thoughts about you,
everything suddenly feels immensely empty and (dark).
part of me doesn't want to let you go out of fear that,
without you, there won't be anything to hold on to.
elizabeth Feb 2018
you always hated classical music. in the mornings when i would play the piano, you would smile for a few seconds and move your mind away from the soft sound of it. i eventually stopped showing you the music that made me feel so alive, because you didn't seem to care. instead, my days were spent listening to your music, even though i hated it, out of hope that it would make you happy. out of hope that i would make you happy. maybe that's my flaw- i was constantly trying to add light to your days. you never concerned yourself with my happiness, never dedicated nights to making plans that might bring me joy. never tried to love music you hated to bring sun to my life. you're gone now, but i hope that, one day, when you're driving to work, claire de lune will play on the radio, and you'll think of me. the way it lit me up inside like nothing else, the way you ignored my inner radiance, the way you treated my well-being like it was something unworthy of your time, the way your selfish actions brought an end to us. i'm slowly learning that my taste in music is just as valid as yours. my feelings are forever just as valid as yours. i hope, when you hear the quiet strength of the music, a wave of regret washes over your body, and you realize that there is beauty in me you will never know again.
elizabeth Jan 2018
"I can't eat," I said.
"Because I want to fade away.
I don't want to live through this pain."
I want to disappear,
cease to exist.
I want to make you feel
as much pain as I do,
but I doubt you ever will.
I want to be put on so many drugs
that I can't remember my own name,
let alone what you did to me.
I want to be gone from this world.
elizabeth Feb 2018
one month later,
and my heart still beats for you.
each success i achieve is for you.
my tears all fall based around your name.

everyone says that i shouldn't harp on what you did,
that i should move on from you,
forget about you,
let the idea of you become a memory instead of a future.

yet how am i to get over you
when you stole all the best pieces of me?
not only did you abandon me,
but you also packed into your overstuffed suitcase
my love of cinnamon buns, all my favorite songs,
the smile i get when i know something good is about to happen.
you left me with nothing.
every treasured memory has been tainted by your ***** hands,
and the bits of myself i once held closest to my heart now only remind me of the wreckage you caused.
elizabeth Oct 2018
i like being on my own i really do it’s empowering it's freeing i get high off knowing exactly where i’m going without any direction from anyone

but sometimes i get this pit in my stomach and i cannot breathe i cannot think all i know is that i miss you

or at least i miss the idea of you the idea that someone would always be there for me the idea that you would love me no matter what the idea that i could always reach out to find you there

and then i bounce back and i remember sobbing on my front steps with the snow sinking into my jeans i remember holding on so tight to my mother after you left because i couldn’t shake the feeling that the world was crashing down i remember my hands trembling i remember refusing food because somehow maybe that could bring you back i remember our last kiss i remember how i always thought it would be bittersweet i remember it only tasting bitter

so bitter that i couldn’t get the taste off my tongue for weeks even after countless shots of tequila i drank and drunken kisses full of regret

i remember that you were not the one for me you were not the one to give me light

that was me

i know that i put myself back together after you left i know that the sole reason i’m standing where i am now is because i have power deep in my bones i know that i don’t need anyone i know that i am good enough on my own

i know that

but sometimes i remember the good things too and it brings back the butterflies and i forget just for a second that you didn't want me to begin with
elizabeth Feb 2018
my heart is conflicted,
unable to decide how it feels.
it's like i'm a superhero
at the peak of my story
when i must choose which side to fight for-
good or evil.
each time i go to tie my cape around my neck
and fight off the dark,
i see you.
and nothing is the same anymore.

i guess i hate you
for what you did to me.
i vaguely remember sitting in church ten years ago, being told
"you don't have to forgive their actions, but you must forgive them."
i can't think of the last time i believed in god,
but now the possibility of god and all his guidance
is constantly on my mind.
how can i forgive you for what you did?
how can i let go of my anger?
how can i excuse the selfish actions of yours when
your actions themselves are eating me up inside?
what kind of god would cause me this much pain?

and then i love you.
i see you walking,
in a warm brown jacket
with your hair messed up from you running your hands
through it over and over again-
a nervous habit i once adored.
it takes everything in me to not kiss you,
to not run to you and profess my love,
even though i know you don't care anymore.
it's easy to forgive you then,
like i'm effortlessly moving into my previous, loved up state of mind.
it's easy to believe in god,
to believe that someone up there had created such an incredible boy.

my heart is conflicted.
it switches back from
i love you and i hate you,
the way a tiny girl in pigtails picks yellow petals off a daisy.
i love you.
i hate you.
maybe instead i should be asking,
does he love me or hate me?
for that i do know the answer,
he might not hate me, but he certainly doesn't love me anymore.
he never did.
elizabeth Sep 2016
compare me to who i was
one year ago.
i can barely recognize her.
sure, i still like
raspberries and cream
and the way the ocean looks
right after the sunset.

but, deep down,
i'm different.

i no longer see the world
with sad eyes and a heavy heart.
everything feels brighter,
but it's not.

because, the truth is,
the world doesn't change.
you do.
elizabeth Jun 2018
a daydream constant in my mind
is a scene in 10 years.
i’ll walk into the hospital
and i’ll see him there in his navy blue scrubs with his thick dark hair cut much shorter than it is now, almost as if to say
“look at me. look how i’ve grown.”

and his eyes will meet mine
and it will all feel like the way it did
when we met that first night out by the water.
i’ll say something stupid
but you’ll laugh anyway and
look at me like you’ve known me all your life.

i’ll think to myself once again
“jesus, where have you been all my life.”

we will fall into place,
he and i,
just like we were supposed to.
elizabeth May 2018
for so long i mourned the
yellow wall in my room
that was made up of all your love letters and paintings and kisses.

i fell asleep next to it every night,
and the words haunted my dreams.

i never considered changing it
for my heart still so belonged to you.
it hurt,
to imagine a life where no part of me was dedicated to loving you.

eventually, the tape started to peel off,
and i saw from the backs of the paper
that no part of you deserved my love,
so i took to the wall with a saw and a bucket of tears.

the yellow wall of you came down,
it always does.
it always will.

now my bed is enclosed in lavender,
a color which suits me much more,
and it is full of sentences from friends,
from those who i have grown close to in my past few hurting months.

isn’t it funny
how terrified i was to break down that wall
when really what was hidden behind it
was the love i so desperately wanted.

if i had known from the start
that closing my door to you
would’ve opened my world to so many others,
then maybe i would’ve done it earlier.

then again,
maybe it is something you have to learn,
that there is always more love out there
if you let yourself feel it.
elizabeth Jan 2018
i never took myself for someone
who would let all the sand
get washed away
after a slow wave crashed.

i never took myself for someone
who would let the forest catch on fire
after a dull match hit one lonely branch.

i never took myself for someone
who would let the wind
destroy the whole world
after a light breeze passed.

but here i am,
letting my whole life fall to pieces
after a single boy broke my heart.

i thought i was stronger than this.
i thought i was stronger than this.
elizabeth Feb 2018
i’ve been feeling
the hole you left in my heart
and the pit in my stomach
from missing you
every minute of every day
since you left.

the words
i miss you,
i love you,
i need you
painfully replay in my mind
like a cheesy pop song that i despise
but won’t get out of my head.

the feeling of your hands
intertwined with mine
is forever etched on me.
your touch is tattooed on my body,
and i can’t stop running my fingers
over where you once held me.

i’ve been feeling
this emptiness inside of me
with each tortured breath i take,
and i don’t think
i can breathe for much longer.
elizabeth Mar 2018
it's hard to know who i am anymore. i guess part of me was tied to you, and when you left, that part did too. your lies and your leaving affected more than our relationship. they affected me as a whole. i feel like i'm constantly swimming in an endless ocean, and each time the tide brings me to the sand, it slips right out from under me. i'm always sent back into a deep, overwhelming pain. it never stops. i can't ever seem to find my footing. maybe i was naive or too trusting, maybe i fell too far into you. but i can't get out of this pit, and your moving on so fast makes it that much worse. they tell you to trust yourself, to know that you were enough, when you're cheated on. no matter how many times i recite those mantras in my mirror or write them on my wrists, i can't stop thinking that maybe, maybe i ignored the signs, maybe i didn't give you what you wanted, maybe it was my fault. i know, deep in my heart, that, in truth, you simply weren't enough for me. you didn't deserve all of my everlasting love. but the pain you caused is more than artificial- it cuts through the skin and bone, straight to my heart. and whenever i start growing, the gashes suddenly start bleeding again, and it is impossible to believe that i could've been what you wanted. i just don't know who i am anymore. a piece of me was rooted in the idea that you loved me and would never harm me, and once that piece was destroyed, everything fell off balance. i don't know how to pull myself out of this. i'm stuck under a  thick layer of snow, and it's impossible to blossom in the cold.
elizabeth Mar 2018
i hate everything about you.
i hate the way you dress and how you made me think my clothes were somehow lesser to yours.
i hate your wavy hair and i hate how you mocked me.
i hate how arrogant you are, and how selfish you were the whole time.
i hate your music taste, and i hate that you made fun of mine.
i hate the way you lied to me, the way you broke my heart.
i hate your old car full of memories of the two of us,
i hate that you so easily pushed me aside.
i hate that i was insignificant to you.

i hate that, for all the things i don't like about you,
there are a million more that i will always love you for.
i hate that you are on my mind constantly,
and i'm never on yours.
i hate the pain you caused me, and i hate that you left me without so much as a second glance.
i hate how easily you hurt me,
and i hate that you didn't stay around to help patch up the wounds you left me with.
i hate that these gashes never fully heal,
and i hate that i will have scars on my body from the damage you caused to my heart.
i hate that i will forever miss you.
i hate that the most.
it took too long to think of a small list of things i dislike about him. i hate that too
elizabeth Feb 2018
i used to picture my future with you,
but i can't imagine that at all anymore.
once upon a time,
a life with you in a tiny apartment filled with old, faded books and blankets scented with cinnamon was a dream that never left my mind.
even after you ripped my heart to shreds,
i still believed you and i were meant to be.
now, when i think about times to come,
i see myself living independently, living a strong, fulflling life without you.

and maybe it's a sign of growth that i no longer want a life with you.
i've changed more in these past agonizing months
than i ever thought was possible.
it seems that i have come to the conclusion that you weren't the right person for me, but that idea pains me to the core.

i'm trying to forgive you, in hopes that the misery will subside afterwards.
sometimes i do.
other times, forgiveness looks like the tallest mountain i've faced, and all i have to climb it is my own two feet.
forgiveness is something i will do for myself, to let my feelings for you disintegrate.
i'm constantly evolving, as are my opinions about you, and the only thing i need anymore is to find forgiveness within my body.
i don't want to rush my healing, but, god, it hurts.

i keep telling myself,
when it’s time to forgive, i’ll forgive.
when it's time to forgive, i'll forgive.

i guess it's just hard to trust my own feelings to follow the right path and let you go,
considering that it was my feelings themselves that led me to you from the start.
elizabeth Mar 2018
i miss you all the time, and i hate that you don't seem to care.
your hair is changed, and i think your personality is quite altered too. you no longer seem like the person i once called the love of my life.
it hurts that you changed everything about yourself. you're practically unrecognizable now. when i see you walking, my heart beats faster, but not out of excitement. out of fear that seeing me doesn't affect you the way it affects me. it terrifies me that you're so easily moving on from me, that you could modify all the pieces of yourself that i loved, that i was just a blip on your radar, and that, one day, you'll look back and barely remember me. i ache to be remembered. you are constantly on my mind, and i know that i'm not on yours. i wish that i had hurt you the way you hurt me so that you would constantly be reminded of me when you look down and see the aching, stitched up scar on your heart. but i was kind, and i let you leave. i miss you all the time, but i know you don't miss me.
elizabeth Mar 2018
i've wanted to be a mystery for as long as i can remember. my whole life, i ached for someone to wonder about me, to need to know more, to write pages of poetry for me, to feel love songs in their body when they saw me. i desired words of love and lust and wonder to describe me. i never understood what i was doing wrong, why i wasn't receiving bundles of pink, heart-shaped valentines full of adoration, why i couldn't seem to make anyone curious about who i was. i'd watch others only share small pieces of themselves to capture the hearts of random lovers, and i so wished to do the same. i know that, deep in my core, that's not who i am. my heart is tattooed on my sleeve, and every emotion that goes through my mind appears right across my face. i feel too much, there's no way around it. no one will ever wonder about a girl if you can easily see what she's feeling. i've tried to crush that part of myself, tried to drain my body of all the excess feelings. it refills though, like a river after a drought. the water always returns, most often in storms. the feelings rush into me and make it impossible to mute them. i've come to the conclusion that i will never be a person that a stranger on the bus sees from across the aisles and thinks about for the rest of the day. that those who want to be wanted rarely get that. that i will forever be the one who writes poetry about someone, and it will never be the other way around. it hurts, but i've realized now that no blurry, rushed words about a love for me will ever grace a page in a diary, even if that's the only thing i need.
elizabeth Feb 2018
you've been on my mind
every minute since you left.
i don't recall thinking about you this often before,
but now it's all i can do to
move my mind away.

i was told to count my fingers,
when the questioning thoughts appeared.
to remember i am real,
i am strong,
i am still standing even after you are gone.
but looking at my hands simply
reminds me of the way yours used to grip to them.

i've been doing everything in my power
to stop you
and the inevitable sorrow that comes with your name
from entering in my head.
your hold on me is so deep that
i can't seem to cut the cord that tied my heart to yours.
maybe it's time to accept the pain.
elizabeth Feb 2018
they don't tell you how much love will hurt.

they tell you
that you will feel happier than ever.
that you will feel whole
and that the emptiness in your heart
will fade away.

they tell you
that love is what makes the world go around,
that everything you have ever needed
will appear in the boy holding your hand.
that looking at him will make you feel something
you never even dreamed of feeling,
and that he will make you feel safe and like you can do anything.

they don't tell you that
seeing the boy who once made you feel strong and beautiful
will send a painful shock through you,
like someone is pulling the heart through your body
and physically breaking it in two.
that you will cry on the cold, hardwood floor
because you feel too weak to sit up,
and that each time you look in the mirror,
you will feel more and more repulsive.

they don't tell you that love will tear you in half
and that it will take every fiber in your being
to put yourself back together.
that, after he leaves,
you will question who you are and why you're here,
that your life will feel wrong and useless.

they don't tell you how much love will hurt.
they tell you how it will bring light into your life,
but they don't tell you how much love hurts
when the darkness takes over.
elizabeth Feb 2018
you never liked that one word could take me from light to dark,
a flick of a switch.
you never liked my constant questions,
my curiosity made your eyes twitch and your fingers reach for mine in hopes that i would be silent.
you never liked how i loved you,
my heart was too full of you, too much for you.
my emotions were always over the top,
you never liked that either.

i learned to mute these key parts of myself,
to only bring out the pieces you loved.
i became adjusted to feeling unwanted,
but a glimmer of hope remained in my mind that
maybe, one day, you would want all of me.
hell, at least i could try to be wanted by you.
i could try and be enough for you.
if i just put one foot in front of another, you would eventually want me, all of my flaws included.
if i could just keep going and going.

if i could just keep working to make you want me.

i wasn't myself with you- that i know for sure.
but i would've spent every moment being someone i'm not,
if it meant i could stay with you for even one more second.

i'm beginning to realize that we were flawed from the start.
elizabeth Jan 2018
i never understood why people avoided love.
thought they were fools
to deny themselves something so extraordinary.
i'd ask myself,
"why won't they open their hearts
and just try?"

then i met you.
i dedicated myself to you.
i handed you my heart,
and you broke it in two.
this pain,
it hurts like nothing i've ever felt before.
a constant,
aching agony that won't wash away,
no matter how many showers i take
or how many other boys i kiss.

your mark is forever on me,
even though i don't want it to be.
each time i think of you,
it's like my insides are getting ripped to shreds,
over and over again.
the way a dog buries a bone,
digs it up,
gnaws it until it's practically destroyed,
then repeats the cycle.

if i could,
i would go back to that
warm, soft summer night when
i pointed to the stars and
told you that you were my universe,
and i would take everything back.
i'd do anything to end this suffering.

i never understood why people avoided love,
but now i know.
elizabeth Apr 2018
you will hurt
you will hurt like nothing else
you will hurt so much that you think your heart is physically broken
you will hurt in every part of your body,
and it will feel like you are drowning in a sea of pain
and that he took your life preserver.

you will hurt,
this i promise.
there is no avoiding the pain,
you will learn this.
no boys with charming smiles or drunken nights with friends
will ever heal you faster,
they will simply put a bandaid on a **** that goes much deeper.

but i also promise this--
the hurt will transform you.
maybe not in a week or a month or half a year.
but one day you will look back
and see yourself growing into who you are meant to be.
you will see yourself pulling your body out of bed and into the world, even though it seems impossible.

the pain means you are alive,
the pain means that you are capable of loving someone with your whole self, something that most cannot do.
and you will realize that, in the end, he gave you the greatest gift-
he broke your heart.
by breaking you, you can now put back together the pieces of yourself in what ever shape you want,
you can wake up and be completely new.

the sooner you realize that if someone could hurt you so deeply, they were not meant for you, the sooner you will see your end with him as a good thing.

this is not the end of you. this is the end of something that was preventing you from growing into yourself. this is the end of a chapter. this is not the end of the whole book.

this is the beginning of you.
elizabeth Jun 2018
i used to say the word forever so easily

i love you forever
we are forever

oh baby, don’t you worry. i’m here forever

forever ends a lot sooner than you think
elizabeth Jun 2018
there’s something calming about being alone. i used to be so afraid of it. when he left me i couldn’t breathe without him. that was my flaw- i couldn’t breathe on my own. but i can now, and man it’s beautiful. it’s like the stars are shining down on me and the peonies are growing and everything is right. i’m my own person, and i don’t owe my heart to anyone. it’s just me and me and me.
elizabeth Jan 2018
i prayed to god last night.
never once had I held my palms together before
and hoped that someone up there could hear me,
but, for the first time,
i prayed to god last night.

i told him that
every time I think of you,
the pain crashes over me,
the way waves continually envelope
a tiny, sunburnt child at the beach
who just wants to swim.
i told him that
every day feels
almost as if it's my first time finding out you left.

i asked him
to watch over you,
to make sure you eat,
because I can't anymore.
i asked him
to give you hope,
to not let you fade away into the pain,
for that i could not survive.

i cried for him
to give you and me another chance,
to bring us back together.
i cried for him
to let us run into each others arms once more and never let go,
like we were long lost lovers,
separated by oceans,
but brought back in the end
because the tide knew we belonged together.

i prayed to god last night.
i don't think he heard me,
but i prayed to god last night.
elizabeth Jan 2018
i can only hope,
that somewhere in an alternate universe,
i’m walking into a crowded concert
and seeing you for the first time
across the mass of people.
you’re moving closer to me,
your scent mixing
with the sweat and alcohol stench emitted by everyone around us,
your strong hand shaking mine,
and my ears hearing
your name for the first time.

i can only hope,
that somewhere in an alternative universe,
we are laughing
in the grocery store at midnight,
throwing junk food into the cart,
and holding hands
while we walk through the aisles.

i can only hope,
that somewhere in an alternative universe,
we are sleeping next to one another,
legs intertwining,
hearts beating together,
and love enveloping us together.

i can only hope,
that somewhere in an alternative universe,
we are still happy,
and forever in love.
elizabeth Jun 2018
and i’m in the bathroom crying
hoping no one at the party in the other room
will hear my sobs

i thought i was done with this
i thought i was done with you

i hate you i hate you i hate you

i want you to disappear
i want you to cease to exist

never once in my life have i wanted someone
to leave the face of this earth

but you somehow bring out the worst in me,
even when you’re gone.

you don’t deserve
to be in this universe with me.

you don’t deserve to live
under the same moon as me.

i hate you for feel that way.
i hate you for making me hate you.
elizabeth Jun 2018
i haven’t felt like myself in years.
in fact, i cannot remember a time before
where each day i lived was mine, not someone else’s.

i didn’t know who i was with him, that’s for certain.
i was who he wanted me to be, a faint echo of the women he compared me to, a constant daydream of his, working to complete him.

i wasn’t my own with him.

it’s been six months,
and it finally feels like i'm waking up and breathing in.

the words that are forever
tattooed on my body
and echoed in my ears

i am me i am me i am me

and there is an abundance of untapped beauty
in my bones
elizabeth Jan 2018
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you

i rewrite messages,
over and over again,
watching my shaking fingers
type the words i know
you don't care to hear.

i see my fragile frame tremble
every minute of every day,
almost as if i am continually realizing
that you aren't coming back.
that you aren't mine to call home anymore.

my heart aches
like there is a gaping, bleeding hole in my chest
that no amount of
doctors in surgical masks
putting their gloved hands in my body
could ever fix.

i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
elizabeth Feb 2018
you said you were good,
a month after our end.
i'm unsure if you meant it
or if you were just trying to get in my head.
i want you to be better
to learn something from this.
but i also want you to miss me,
to ache for my love,
the way i ache for yours.

maybe i'm too weak,
maybe my body is overly full of
warm black tea tinged with sugar
and fuzzy, naive hopes for the world.
maybe my heart is so soft
that i cannot heal at the same rate as you.

your actions and abandonment
broke my gentle bones.
the injuries i sustained are patched up
with multi-colored bandaids.
you left me with gaping wounds,
all while i was trying to help you fix your own bruises.

you said you were good,
a month after our end.
it worsened my pain,
but i doubt you care.
elizabeth Feb 2018
i heard your voice today.
it echoed in my ears.
the sound that once soothed me and brought a smile to my lips now feels unfamiliar and unknown,
like, once again, you are simply a passing stranger i have yet to meet.

it doesn't hurt, at least not the way it used to.
the pain is no longer intensely jarring.
instead, occasionally
a numbing wave of missing you passes over me
and shifts me into a new phase of grief,
but i recover.

i have loved and i have lost,
but i am better because of it.
within the darkness and the shambles of you,
a tiny daisy grew through the cracks.
i have blossomed.
your leaving created a power i never knew i had,
it gave me the strength to transform into myself.
elizabeth Jun 2018
i have cried a thousand times
for the same boy,
and those same tears have
watered my soil
to help me grow
from the wreckage he caused.
elizabeth Feb 10
it seems i’ve forgotten to write
my mom says it’s because i’m happy,
that your sadness calls from inside of you and washes over you, demanding to be written.

i used to get inspiration everywhere,
i would find napkins stained with coffee and long prose in my coat pocket.

but i want to write
i want to write that i’m happy and i’m in love.

he deserves all the poetry and love songs in the world,
and i’m going to try my best to give that to him.
elizabeth Jan 2018
before i met you,
i believed in fate.
that something,
was controlling my life,
sending me on a path
full of goodnight kisses,
tongues stained blue from popsicles,
toes covered in sand,
and bedside tables filled with love notes.

when i met you,
i knew fate must exist.
my nights ended the way they started-
with smiling lips pressed together,
not wanting to let go.
we ate cold popsicles
and laughed when we realized
that our mouths had changed colors.
i walked in the sand with you
and smiled when you made fun of my *****, sandy feet.
I slowly grew a collection
of words from you next to my bed,
a constant reminder of how real fate must be,
that i was able to have you.

after i met you,
after you left,
the theory of fate,
the theory that the universe had led me to you,
seemed childish,
foolish even.
for how could i ever
believe in fate,
if it had brought us together
only to have you break my heart?
elizabeth Feb 2018
my mind is full of
what if’s.
my thoughts are a boat,
lost in a sea of doubts,
and all that is in sight for miles
is “what if?”

what if i had done this?
what if i had done that?

everyone says that
it’s not my fault,
that i am not at fault,
that your lack of loyalty
is to blame for our downfall,
not me.
certainly not me.

yet i can’t help but think
what if i had changed?
maybe you would still be here.

what if i had laughed differently?
what if i had smiled differently?
what if i had swapped out my
strawberry colored summer dresses for black, ripped jeans?
what if i had listened to
other types of music?
what if i had asked more questions?
what if i had talked less?
what if i had listened more?
what if i hadn’t said this?
what if i had said that?
what if i wasn’t so clingy?
what if i had been enough for you?
what if?
what if.

what if i was different person?
would you have loved me then?
elizabeth Mar 2018
you're with her now,
and i'm trying to accept that you no longer love me.

at the end of all of this,
i've realized that you simply
didn't see our relationship the same way i did.
i thought you were my forever, that we were the lucky ones.
but, to you, i was just a passing ship.
that's why you were able to move on so fast from me-
in truth, you were already over me when you left.

i am constantly trying to wrap my mind around the idea that i can never truly know what someone is thinking about,
that i can never be truly confident that feelings are mutual.

i know now that we weren't meant to be,
and we weren't as happy as i thought we were.
i miss you, i miss you all the time,
and it is taking everything in me to not break down when i see you.
i miss you, and i wish you missed me.
but you don't.
i think it's time to let you go.
elizabeth Apr 2018
your kiss is still tattooed on my tongue and i feel you when i get lonely at night.
i don’t think i miss you,
but i miss the way our hearts were one
and the way pink butterflies fluttered in my stomach when you said my name.
i don’t miss the way your emotions changed with each tiny movement of their wings though.

i’m coming around to the idea that
you and i were never meant to be,
that, in truth, love should be easy,
and ours was never ending pain.
but sometimes, when the world is quiet and the only thing i feel is my own heart beating, i can’t help but wish that i could reach for your hand when the light won’t come on.
elizabeth May 2018
I’m forever uncomfortable with the idea that time is not linear. I’ve always wanted things to be straight forward, for each day to feel the same, for every hour to be the exact same length. But they aren’t, and that makes me feel all woozy and sick in my stomach- like the butterflies are trapped and trying to escape. It scares the hell out of me that I can’t remember what it felt like to be in love with him, that, even though it wasn’t too long ago, it somehow feels like I never truly was with him— it all feels like it never happened. I guess most things feel that way, when you really get down to it. I can imagine certain aspects of my past, but none of them feel real. It’s like everything that occurred up until today was a dream, and I can’t quite place my finger on when or why it happened. That’s the thing about time. It’s always changing. Each time I think this is it, this is how my life is going to be, I wake up one day and nothing is the same.  I’m terrified by the fact that I can’t truly recall what it felt like when he and I were by the lake that summer night or when we fought over ice cream and I cried into the night. I want to feel everything I’ve ever felt my whole life, even though that would probably **** me. I honestly can’t fully grasp that time is so fleeting, and I will never feel the exact same way about things the way I felt in the past. I want to understand it, I want to hold my past and my future in my hands and lay them out in front of me, counting the times I am hurt and heartbroken, counting the times I get frosting on my nose and I feel whole, counting the times I fall asleep on the subway or the times I hold someone’s hand. I know that’s an impossible dream, and that scares me even more. There is no running tally of lives you impact or places you go. Maybe it’s time I start accepting that.
elizabeth Feb 2018
so this is how we end.
with tears staining the collar of my shirt
and chewed up fingers grasping
for something that's not there anymore.
my heart still open and full of you,
yours emptied,
any remnants of love for me gone.

when i had painfully thought of
what the world might look like after we had run our course,
i imagined a clean cut,
like scissors gliding through the silver speckled wrapping paper
i covered your birthday presents in.
both of us knowing it would be for the best,
our life together equally split between us.

i never imagined our end looking like this,
my body full of gaping holes made up of
uneven sides and coarse, harsh edges tainted with memories of you,
the way coffee stains a t-shirt,
bright at first, impossible to get out, and eventually
leaving behind a soft color and a vague scent of a time before.
no matter how many times i wash it,
it's there.
this cut will take forever to erase,
my years are now dedicated to recovering from it.

so, this is how we end.
my mind still calling out for you,
in hopes that one day you will reply.
the other side of my bed empty,
all happiness from life gone.

we weren't supposed to end this way.
we weren't supposed to end this way.
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