it makes me feel sick to my stomach that you’ve loved someone else before
that she was the first one to
kiss you goodnight
and i know that’s unfair
i’ve loved and loved and loved
more than humanly possible

i know that’s unfair
you deserve someone
who understands that love is infinite
and i so want to be that someone
but my body hurts
and i feel the anxiety bubbling up in it
moving from my belly button up to my forehead
and suddenly i don’t know if i can be that girl

i think i’m falling in love with you
and your love in return should be enough

but it’s 4 am and i’m looking at old photos
and she’s wearing the sweatshirt of yours that’s in my top drawer right now
elizabeth Oct 13
i like being on my own i really do it’s empowering it's freeing i get high off knowing exactly where i’m going without any direction from anyone

but sometimes i get this pit in my stomach and i cannot breathe i cannot think all i know is that i miss you

or at least i miss the idea of you the idea that someone would always be there for me the idea that you would love me no matter what the idea that i could always reach out to find you there

and then i bounce back and i remember sobbing on my front steps with the snow sinking into my jeans i remember holding on so tight to my mother after you left because i couldn’t shake the feeling that the world was crashing down i remember my hands trembling i remember refusing food because somehow maybe that could bring you back i remember our last kiss i remember how i always thought it would be bittersweet i remember it only tasting bitter

so bitter that i couldn’t get the taste off my tongue for weeks even after countless shots of tequila i drank and drunken kisses full of regret

i remember that you were not the one for me you were not the one to give me light

that was me

i know that i put myself back together after you left i know that the sole reason i’m standing where i am now is because i have power deep in my bones i know that i don’t need anyone i know that i am good enough on my own

i know that

but sometimes i remember the good things too and it brings back the butterflies and i forget just for a second that you didn't want me to begin with
elizabeth Jul 5
it’s been 7 months
and this morning i woke up in a room that’s not mine, in a bed with fresh sheets, with a pit in my stomach, and you on my mind.

i guess i have to stop thinking of him as the man after you and begin to view you as the boy before him. he is a man, and you aren’t.

you’re just a boy, and i should’ve known that, i should’ve seen that. but it’s too late for regrets and my drunken state consistently reminds me that you have no guilt in what you did or how you did it. my words are slurred and the view is blurry but it’s still clear that you aren’t who i thought you were. i somehow blame myself for that too.

i know that i’ve grown, i’ve grown exponentially. if you were to see me in my city by the park, you wouldn’t recognize me. the chaos doesn’t scare me and i’m comfortable  on my own. i stand taller and my nails aren’t bitten but are instead painted a soft blue like the ocean i’m no longer afraid to swim in. i’m much smaller than i once was. but my confidence makes up for it. he tells me that i’m wise. that nothing throws me. that’s how i know i’ve changed. i used to be such a new soul, so terrified by the fear that i would mess this up, that i would mess you up. but i’m not anymore. he tells me i’m mysterious, that he can’t place my emotions. i no longer carry my heart on my sunburnt arm.

but you don’t care, you don’t care that i’ve grown, you don’t care that i’m different. you don’t want to know who i am now or what i want from life. maybe that’s why i have trouble letting go. because if i do, you’ll be lost forever.

i don’t love you anymore but i don’t want to lose you. i guess i already have though.

so here i am, half a year later, with tequila tinting my mouth and the taste of his lips engraved on mine, thinking of you. he doesn’t worry about that, it causes him no panic that you still appear in my head. he looks at me with those big, dark eyes and tells me that it just shows how deeply i care. that he feels so lucky to have my love. that there’s nothing else like it.

he’s not alarmed by my issues the way you were. you’re both so different, it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that i once called you my soulmate, when everything makes endlessly more sense with him.

i wish you’d call, i miss your friendship. but the world moves on, the waves continue to wash away my memories of you, and i’m okay with being brand new.
elizabeth Jun 30
to love selfishly will leave you lacking
when they leave.
to love selflessly will teach you
who you are meant to be
the minute they walk out the rose-tinted door.

for the universe would not let the world break
a tender heart in return for nothing.
elizabeth Jun 25
i haven’t felt like myself in years.
in fact, i cannot remember a time before
where each day i lived was mine, not someone else’s.

i didn’t know who i was with him, that’s for certain.
i was who he wanted me to be, a faint echo of the women he compared me to, a constant daydream of his, working to complete him.

i wasn’t my own with him.

it’s been six months,
and it finally feels like i'm waking up and breathing in.

the words that are forever
tattooed on my body
and echoed in my ears

i am me i am me i am me

and there is an abundance of untapped beauty
in my bones
elizabeth Jun 14
i have cried a thousand times
for the same boy,
and those same tears have
watered my soil
to help me grow
from the wreckage he caused.
elizabeth Jun 7
a daydream constant in my mind
is a scene in 10 years.
i’ll walk into the hospital
and i’ll see him there in his navy blue scrubs with his thick dark hair cut much shorter than it is now, almost as if to say
“look at me. look how i’ve grown.”

and his eyes will meet mine
and it will all feel like the way it did
when we met that first night out by the water.
i’ll say something ******
but you’ll laugh anyway and
look at me like you’ve known me all your life.

i’ll think to myself once again
“jesus, where have you been all my life.”

we will fall into place,
he and i,
just like we were supposed to.
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