elizabeth r Mar 10
sometimes i feel alright. like maybe i never needed you, maybe your leaving was what needed to happen to me. but then i remember lying on your chest and feeling like everything was right in the world. your hands in mine and your lips on my forehead. if i listen closely, i can still hear your heart beating. that's what i miss the most, feeling like we were one. i ache to speak to you in the morning and have your laugh echo in my ears. you were my person, you were my family, the friend i called if the world was falling apart and i couldn't breathe. when you abandoned me, not only did a piece of my heart disappear, but you as my best friend went with you. a major part of my life is closed off from me now, and i have no access to it. i miss you with my entire being. my shattered heart is still in your hands, and you don't seem to have any plans on returning it to me.
elizabeth r Mar 8
it'll stop hurting like this, eventually.
you might feel a twinge of pain when you pass the bakery where you two once ate too much chocolate cake or when you hear the song he once sang to you in the car.
the hurt will wash over you
and remind you what life used to be like with him.
but the pain will be rare, an occasional, gentle symbol that you have moved on.

future lovers will ask you about him,
and the wound won't feel as raw as it once did.
you will describe your love and your loss of him,
and you won't feel daggers in your chest as you describe the way you locked eyes with him and felt the world stop.
you will, as foolish as it may appear, still hold love in your heart for him.

you will despise this, that you simply can't hate him.
friends from before will look at you with questioning eyes when you don't fill up with burning anger at the mention of his name.

you will feel wrong,
because somehow you love him even now,
because you can't completely remove him from your mind.
others will tell you that you never fully moved on.

but, in truth, you did the exact opposite.
to feel hatred is much easier than to feel love for an ex lover who broke your heart in two.
to cringe at the soft scent of the chocolate cake you once shared at the rose covered shop at the end of the street does more harm than good, but, instead, to savor it, to remember the good in it, is progress.

holding the pain within you will leave a permanent scar on your body that no amount of spiteful words about him will ever heal,
but letting it go through you,
and realizing that your relationship wasn't black and white, that he is tinted grey, that the love you feel for him only proves how deeply and incredibly you care,
that's truly moving on.
elizabeth r Mar 4
it's hard to know who i am anymore. i guess part of me was tied to you, and when you left, that part did too. your lies and your leaving affected more than our relationship. they affected me as a whole. i feel like i'm constantly swimming in an endless ocean, and each time the tide brings me to the sand, it slips right out from under me. i'm always sent back into a deep, overwhelming pain. it never stops. i can't ever seem to find my footing. maybe i was naive or too trusting, maybe i fell too far into you. but i can't get out of this pit, and your moving on so fast makes it that much worse. they tell you to trust yourself, to know that you were enough, when you're cheated on. no matter how many times i recite those mantras in my mirror or write them on my wrists, i can't stop thinking that maybe, maybe i ignored the signs, maybe i didn't give you what you wanted, maybe it was my fault. i know, deep in my heart, that, in truth, you simply weren't enough for me. you didn't deserve all of my everlasting love. but the pain you caused is more than artificial- it cuts through the skin and bone, straight to my heart. and whenever i start growing, the gashes suddenly start bleeding again, and it is impossible to believe that i could've been what you wanted. i just don't know who i am anymore. a piece of me was rooted in the idea that you loved me and would never harm me, and once that piece was destroyed, everything fell off balance. i don't know how to pull myself out of this. i'm stuck under a  thick layer of snow, and it's impossible to blossom in the cold.
elizabeth r Mar 4
i hate everything about you.
i hate the way you dress and how you made me think my clothes were somehow lesser to yours.
i hate your wavy hair and i hate how you mocked me.
i hate how arrogant you are, and how selfish you were the whole time.
i hate your music taste, and i hate that you made fun of mine.
i hate the way you lied to me, the way you broke my heart.
i hate your old car full of memories of the two of us,
i hate that you so easily pushed me aside.
i hate that i was insignificant to you.

i hate that, for all the things i don't like about you,
there are a million more that i will always love you for.
i hate that you are on my mind constantly,
and i'm never on yours.
i hate the pain you caused me, and i hate that you left me without so much as a second glance.
i hate how easily you hurt me,
and i hate that you didn't stay around to help patch up the wounds you left me with.
i hate that these gashes never fully heal,
and i hate that i will have scars on my body from the damage you caused to my heart.
i hate that i will forever miss you.
i hate that the most.
it took too long to think of a small list of things i dislike about him. i hate that too
elizabeth r Mar 2
i've wanted to be a mystery for as long as i can remember. my whole life, i ached for someone to wonder about me, to need to know more, to write pages of poetry about me, to feel love songs in their body when they saw me. i desired words of love and lust and wonder to describe me. i never understood what i was doing wrong, why i wasn't receiving bundles of pink, heart-shaped valentines full of adoration for me, why i couldn't seem to make anyone curious about who i was. i'd watch others only share small pieces of themselves to capture the hearts of random lovers, and i so wished to do the same. i know that, deep in my core, that's not who i am. my heart is tattooed on my sleeve, and every emotion that goes through my mind appears right across my face. i feel too much, there's no way around it. no one will ever wonder about a girl if you can easily see what she's feeling. i've tried to crush that part of myself, tried to drain my body of all the excess feelings. it refills though, like a river after a drought. the water always returns, most often in storms. the feelings rush into me and make it impossible to mute them. i've come to the conclusion that i will never be a person that a stranger on the bus sees from across the aisles and thinks about for the rest of the day. that those who want to be wanted rarely get that. that i will forever be the one who writes poetry about someone, and it will never be the other way around. it hurts, but i've realized now that no blurry, rushed words about a love for me will ever grace a page in a diary, even if that's the only thing i need.
elizabeth r Mar 1
i can't stop my mind from wandering to (you)
and the way life felt when your heart and mine (were) combined.
the car rides spent holding hands where (my) whole body fell in love with the sound of your voice singing along to the radio,
the mornings when you kissed me and suddenly everything was full of light and (sun),
the long afternoons made up of nothing (but) moments that appeared so perfect i truly believed i had to be in a poorly written rom-com where, somehow, everything ends up just as they are supposed to.

i can't stop my mind from wandering to those seemingly flawless days, days where (you) loved me and only me.
yet, with those thoughts also accompany a multitude of heartbreaking nights that forever replay in my head,
the night that you (left), the night that i couldn't breathe without you, the night i realized my life (and) yours were disconnected from this point forward,
the night i realized our love wasn't what i thought at all and my life (now) was completely changed.
the night (everything) fell to pieces and i had no one to help me put it back together.

the two sides of my heartbreak are constantly fighting for which will reign supreme in my head,
and all i want (is) to move on from this, to remove every piece of you, both bad and good, from my mind.
but each time i seem to try and rid my thoughts about you,
everything suddenly feels immensely empty and (dark).
part of me doesn't want to let you go out of fear that,
without you, there won't be anything to hold on to.
elizabeth r Feb 28
i used to picture my future with you,
but i can't imagine that at all anymore.
once upon a time,
a life with you in a tiny apartment filled with old, faded books and blankets scented with cinnamon was a dream that never left my mind.
even after you ripped my heart to shreds,
i still believed you and i were meant to be.
now, when i think about times to come,
i see myself living independently, living a strong, fulflling life without you.

and maybe it's a sign of growth that i no longer want a life with you.
i've changed more in these past agonizing months
than i ever thought was possible.
it seems that i have come to the conclusion that you weren't the right person for me, but that idea pains me to the core.

i'm trying to forgive you, in hopes that the misery will subside afterwards.
sometimes i do.
other times, forgiveness looks like the tallest mountain i've faced, and all i have to climb it is my own two feet.
forgiveness is something i will do for myself, to let my feelings for you disintegrate.
i'm constantly evolving, as are my opinions about you, and the only thing i need anymore is to find forgiveness within my body.
i don't want to rush my healing, but, god, it hurts.

i keep telling myself,
when it’s time to forgive, i’ll forgive.
when it's time to forgive, i'll forgive.

i guess it's just hard to trust my own feelings to follow the right path and let you go,
considering that it was my feelings themselves that led me to you from the start.
Next page