and you called me that name
just a few hours before
and wished me
Merry Christmas
but I'm not sure if she knew

you show her off
like you never did me
but it's the wine
making my blood hot
and my stomach turn

if you appeared tomorrow
I'd kiss you
and hate myself
for asking you
to stay

the heat in the pit of my stomach
is so familiar,
tears run down my cheeks
when I try to suppress it

I never used to dream
when sleeping next to you
but the gasp escaping my lips
and your hand on my arm
shakes me out of a fantasy
where we are perfectly aligned

The sweat on my chest
becomes evident
as rhythmic sounds echo from your tongue
that I cannot understand
until they rattle behind my teeth
making a sleepy song of desire

We could not have been closer
unless we molded together
into a mess of aggressively ignored love
and animalistic monotony
that I'll ice with fear,
aftertaste like regret

it isn't until the rain
hits the hardwood floor
that I remember
how rain used to be ours

I remember the mist
in the sky and our eyes
when I wore this same shirt
and we broke all the rules

I remember the puddles
that first night together
and the rain on the roof
as I tried not to sleep

I remember the reflection
of rain clouds and sunshine
when we whispered like snow
the earliest we ever awoke

the lightning flashes
and I pray you will so quickly
arrive at my door

my friends never liked you,
said you were the reason
I was desperately trying to shrink

I could so easily blame them
for the way I grew,
every bite a stab to the throat

those days were spent
muffling your words
before being silenced by my friends

these days I scream for them
and hear only the echos
of my shameless desperation

your voice is the only one
that calls back
in a confidence I don't recognize

they won't know
when we hide away
for a few days next week

the contoured faces will scrunch
after my wine-soaked lips
sink my not-relationship

I'll honestly apologize
for trying to call them
before running his way

I found my light
in not doing what's expected of me,
but in doing what's best
for a 7 year old
who lost his baby sister
and his train of thought
when counting to 20
because iPads download games in seconds
but it feels like years he's watching an ad
depicting guns and blood and dying and
every time he points a finger at a friend
the law tells me
I have to call his mom
who has no response to
"I just didn't feel like doing math today,"
but musters up every ounce of energy
she doesn't have
to expel one weak statement-
"We must do what is expected of us."

They tell me that restraint
is 3 seconds or more
of student resistance
and teacher persistence
but while my hand never touches him
my words wrap around his legs
telling them to stop pacing
and they cover his mouth
telling it to stop singing
and when he cries in the hallway
at 9:52, screaming,
"I hate this school,"
I cannot explain to him
how lucky he is
to be surrounded by adults
who fake a high tolerance
for his constant fidgeting
so instead we sit in silence
until his anger runs out
and my heart rate slows
and we are ready to try again.
Later, he hugs me.
I do not pull away.
This is not restraint.