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eliza bonnet Aug 2014
A picture says 1000 words
But words aren't what we need
And I can't tell you what to say
Or how you should proceed

You were gone all the times
You should have been there
And still you don't understand why I hate you
It's not fair

Pointing fingers as if your life depended on it
When did blame become a trend
Or this war with Who cares less
No one can win

I wanted so badly to grow up
No one told me it would be like this
I'm begging you to help me
Save me from this ****

A picture says 1000 words
But words aren't what we need
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
her tiny minute hands gripped his finger tightly
not letting go
because she knew that one day she would

his eyes began to fill with tears
staring at his perfect little baby
for he knew, that one day he would disappoint her
one day he would hurt her
just as she would him

"my beautiful baby" he whispered
trying never to let go

15 years later
she's lucky to see him come home
she's lucky for a week to pass without hearing another story of
mistresses
gambling
and drugs
15 years later
and that day
that incredible day
means nothing anymore

his beautiful baby turned into a teenager
who hates him
a teenager
whose life has fallen apart because of things he has done
a teenager
who needs a father
but doesn't have one

his beautiful baby
no longer belongs to him
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
26 letters
Jumbled together
To help say what's on my mind

You and I forever
Our tie never severed
Maybe our stars really did collide

It would make me feel better
To know you would take any measure
Just to make sure that I'm fine

Just 26 letters
jumbled together
To know you're by my side
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
you have personally victimized 30 girls in 2 years. and almost all of them switched schools, 4 applied to boarding school, one moved states, a majority developed an eating disorder, some struggled with self mutalation, even suicide contemplation, some all three. do you even realize what you're doing? you want to be like regina george, queen B, gorgeous, popular, rich. But you have the money and the looks and you've always been popular so why are you hurting other people in the process. please stop. i beg of you. the scars on my skin will never fully heal, and wearing long sleeve shirts to dance class, school, auditions, sports practice is just short of humiliating. and I'm always paranoid my mom will find a suicide note hidden some where in my room from the past. and I'm always worried she will see the sheet of paper hidden under my scale, saying things like "you're disgusting, look at that number, whats wrong with you" i just want you to know
that you did this
to 30 people
30 girls
30 friends
you did this
eliza bonnet Apr 2014
at 451 degrees my paper heart burned
until nothing but black butterflies flew
embers scattered the room
as my knees began to wobble
my head grew weak
and my body went limp

you looked me right in the eye
said nothing
not even goodbye
you just watched me burn
smiling as i fell
and thats when i knew
my body turning to flames
was just as well
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
may 1st, 2012:
i walked down the hallway
and at the other end i could see my locker
papers and dresses and gifts shoved in every corner

who knew that anyone was capable of peaking
at the young age of fourteen

i calmly ran to it
and couldn't help but smile
with my new braceless smile

the melted frappachino left my locker smelling of chocolate
the melting crayon painting gave it a twist of wax
but i loved it

may 9th, 2012:
i walked in the lunch room
wearing my favorite purple jeans
and my new v neck

the boy who i had a crush on watched me
slowly and carefully as i made my way to the girls table
one by one each of his friends encouraged me to sit with him

timidly i did
and each friend quickly left
a few minutes later
we were dating

the entire cafeteria stood up and clapped
preppy couple of the year

june 3rd, 2012:
the day before i went on my first summer vacation
even on school nights he and i shared long phone calls
and i knew being gone for three weeks would effect us

we were at the country club running around
our friends in food fights
playing ping pong

he pulled me into the hallway

it was over

although we didn't date for long
i began to like him more than anyone else

in that moment i froze

january 6th, 2014:
our conversations are few and far between
we go to different schools now

and as far as I'm concerned
he is a different person

and there is no one that i hate as much as him
what he did to me after


is unforgivable
eliza bonnet Feb 2014
come a little closer
the closer you look
the more you will see
things never are what the seem
to be

a ***** is insecure
a **** is unloved
a ****** has an eating disorder
an imbecile has a learning disability
a liar has a secret that they, themselves are afraid of

come a little closer
the closer you look
the more you will see
things never are what the seem
to be
eliza bonnet Dec 2013
my attraction to the idea of being solitary has slowly grown
i hate to be the girl who blames it on her "daddy issues"
but i am

an absent father leaves a single mother to raise two children alone
but he sticks around just enough to keep everyone around him
thinking that everything is just fine

that he is this great man who has some how managed to juggle
a time consuming job
and a perfect life at home

when they don't know about the women on the side
and that all of our money goes to them

and they don't know that if asked
he couldn't name three of my friends

and they don't know that he is only there
when we do something wrong
just so he can feel better about the things he has done

an absent father
can ruin a childhood
can ruin a child
and it sure as hell
has ruined me
eliza bonnet Feb 2017
Your voice was like pills
it made me feel safe
Your taste was like liquor
And it took away my pain

You were my dealer
and I was overly obsessed
But it was never substance that i needed
Just your toxins in my head
eliza bonnet May 2014
the tranquil perception
my conscious erased
all the thoughts in my mind
are slowly replaced

until my mind becomes absent
alongside all else
and no one else matters
except for myself

this is why
teenagers
Need
alcohol
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
hard times make you stronger
bad times made it harder
painful times go by quicker
but only if you turn to liquor
eliza bonnet Apr 2014
theres a story at the bottom of his bottle
screaming to pour out
but can't

the liquor stings his throat
as it trickles down
and faster
faster
faster

hes screaming for help
through his bloodshot eyes
but no one is listening
or looking close enough to know

he just needs somebody to know
that theres a story at the bottom of his bottle
waiting to be poured out
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
Counting cars like shooting stars
as the tears streamed down my face
racing hearts like flying darts
denying sadness's embrace

Perhaps if you look closely you'll see
each little part of me
broken to a million pieces

and maybe one day
you'll be able to relate
to all this pain you've cause

The couple is divorcing soon
and the family is falling apart
bills become impossible to pay
seeing this much hurt can break a persons heart

look at the girl
who's eyes never dry
always wondering
why me

or the boy
bone thin
stomach caved in
always asking
why me

And all the stress is ******* them,
In a month they'll take their lives
blaming themselves for their own demise

maybe you'll notice
the teenage girl
money and friends
still she secretly plans her end

abuse and sadness
are becoming a trend
is it just me
or do you pretend
life's not so bad

Her mother passed last month
from all the drugs
is it fair that she's the girl
deprived from love

daddy started drinking again
surprise surprise
its happened far too many times
she could now clearly read the signs

Counting cars like shooting stars
as the tears streamed down my face
racing hearts like flying darts
denying sadness's embrace
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
Counting cars like shooting stars
as the tears streamed down my face
racing hearts like flying darts
denying sadness's embrace

look at the girl
who's eyes never dry
always wondering
why me

or the boy
bone thin
stomach caved in
always asking
why me
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
do you know what its like
to be on the outside looking in

to go all this time
without a best friend

its just you
through thick and thin

and you want so hard
to just forget

all the things they did
again and again

how much it hurt
is something you are afraid to admit

because its just you
and thats it
eliza bonnet Apr 2014
i lost my first tooth like a champion
and when i hit 3 feet, it was unlike anything anyone had ever seen

by the time third grade had started
no one could believe how old i had gotten

braces looked better on me than anyone else
and my worst day was everyone else's best

my A in english was more impressive than everyone else's
and my paper was worth more

because i was nothing short of
amazing
eliza bonnet Oct 2014
I am back to where I can smile when I see you
back to where I can laugh at something you say
and thats what I wanted
all this time
I wanted closure

And I don't miss it
and surprisingly
it *****

I was hoping some part of me would fight for us back
or maybe us finally talking again would remind at least one of us what it was like
how much fun we had

but we just didn't click anymore
it wasn't like we were soul mates
it was like you weren't even the same person

and that ******
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
there is something beautiful about anonymity
and how easily you can become someone else
on here

im eliza bonnet
troubled
lonely
dark

while in reality
I'm nothing like that

and least i don't let people know that i am

i can choose when the mask goes on
and when it comes off

its all up to me
and its all up to eliza

i have the power to change myself
eliza bonnet Feb 2014
my palms begin to sweat
and my hands won't stop shaking
i try to laugh it off
but i can feel the anxiety in the making

the teacher sees my face
and can't help but feel pity
and i pretend that its all a joke
but looking back, every things dizzy

i try to spend most of my time in silence
trying not to disturb
but the moment the teacher calls on me
i start feeling this nerve

anxiety in the making
anxiety in the making
its my anxiety in the making
my nails are covered in blood
my eyes rarely go a day without becoming tear stained
i hide during breaks in fear people will see me alone
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
butterfly kisses
my favorite thing
i grew up thinking
everything was okay

but once i was older
i started to see
that you couldnt love me
you werent who you used to be

i was your doodle bug
you princess, you see
but once you changed
you tried to flee

the affairs
the cheating
the never coming home
i used to stay up crying
oh i felt so alone

but you wouldnt know that
because i wouldnt say
i wanted to seem strong
just to make you happy

but you can only hide your feelings
to a certain degree
so after awhile your absentee
couldnt stop bothering me

i wish i could say how i really felt
that the butterfly kisses
still made my heart melt

oh how i missed you
i loved you so
please daddy
just come back home
eliza bonnet Apr 2015
we built that foundation
you were doing so well for so long
and we built our foundation
its not fair to me
I know how great you can be
but I know the bad is so much worse

I just don't know if its worth it
and that isn't something that I should have to decide.
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
staying up all night
and sleeping in class
just for that goodnight kiss
that came from an ***
Art
eliza bonnet Dec 2013
Art
Art is damage
Art is coping
Art is an escape
From all the chaos
Yet art is chaos

Who are we to say that we are misunderstood
Disaster is beautiful
Yet beauty is undefined

And still
I love you
eliza bonnet Apr 2014
we shut the closet door slowly
laughing because the alcohol has yet to wear off
i stand on the tips of my toes
trying to give you one last kiss before i escape
we know we shouldn't be there
or doing this
but alcohol has no limits
no judgment
i start to laugh as you unbutton your pants
positive its a joke
a funny one
the zipper slides down
piece by piece
my smile fades
and i look at you
ashamed
and the slowly
i get on my knees
and the door stays locked
just a little longer
eliza bonnet Dec 2013
She isn't cutting open her skin because she wants to
or because she is craving attention
she does it because its the only pain she can control

she isn't shoving her fingers down her throat
simply for her appearance
she does it because she is sick and she thinks that if she's thin enough people will like her

she didn't stop talking to her friends because she got sick of them
she did it because her anxiety got out of control
to the point where she couldn't go a second without thinking about what people could be saying

she doesn't snap at people because she needs anger management
she does it because she can only take so much
and if yelling makes her feel better
then let her yell

she doesn't stay up all night because she likes the way she feels when she's tired
she does it because she can't stop thinking
trying to understand why all these things keep happening to her

and only her
eliza bonnet Feb 2014
best friend

can you hear me?

im calling for you



you are the blinding light

that will always lead me home

you are the dancing star

that makes me smile

even when i am sad



best friend 

dont you get it?

im trying to make you understand



you are the reason i am here

you are the one thing

that keeps me sane



best friend

i need you here

not because of my overpowering needs



but because of us

and the way we are

when we are together



oh best friend

I am me

and

you are you

and 

we are each other
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
the pieces of my broken heart
are all that is left of you i

does it make me stupid
thinking it would never end

ill shamefully admit i miss you
but don't mistake that for wanting it back

i would give anything to forget the memories
anything to erase the laughs

every time i see you i get the rush of anger
and i wish i could control it
but i can't

its just hard to believe
after everything
that pieces of my broken heart
are all thats left of me
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
Facinated by how something so worthless
Something that cost no more than $10
Could mean so much

How each VHS tape makes me tear up
Everytime I look at it

How each note passed in class
Sits in the back of my closet in a box

How each Polaroid picture taken
Lay underneath my bed

Maybe it's because
As a kid
A little kid
I was happy

Maybe it's because
Once I turned 12
I had to play mommy
Because my mom was far too sad

Maybe it's because
every picture taken
Every note passed
Every movie watched
All happened before

Before my life fell apart

Maybe it's because by looking at those things
Just by looking
I'm reminded if how wonderful life can be

But the moment that box goes back in my closet
And those pictures go back under my bed
I forget it all
And go right back
To pure sadness
eliza bonnet Nov 2014
your words were like bullets from a gun
of course its like you to pick the weakest one

you watched my life fall out of place
and laughed as i tried to tape
the pieces back together again

"you're a *****
you're a ****
you're a liar
and a ****"

i believed it was true
why else would you do
and say these things

I was ashamed
borderline insane

but then i came out on top

so *******
and joke of a posey too
because I won
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
you can escape me
flee now
before all comes down

and this pain comes to the surface
and i hate that i can't say your name
without knowing you don't feel the same

i feel your hands touch me softly
next to me once again

but is it all in my head
is that part me really dead

i hate that i can't say your name
without knowing that I'm the one to blame

and its never gonna change

you can escape me
flee now
before all comes down
eliza bonnet Jul 2015
I felt nothing
I feel nothing
I had this big moment planned in my head
Our reuniting
It was going to be one for the books

I forgot how hard it was to have a mentally unstable friend

One who lies
And who switches moods so much it makes me dizzy

I forgot how exhausting it is to love you
I forgot how much loving you hurts

But now I remember
And I feel less than nothing

When I hear your name
Or even just think of you

I lose all emotion

Because I lost you
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
i took out my head phones and turned my laptop in her direction
i lifted my arm, about to motion her to look at the screen
but as i lifted my arm, i stopped myself
and my arm slowly fell back down
and my screen slowly returned to where only i could see it
and my feet slowly rose from her chair
and my back slowly turned in the opposite direction

back to back
words unspoken
but we both knew
the relationship
was now beyond broken
eliza bonnet May 2014
my hair soaked in *****
doors were slamming
drawers breaking
people shouting
teenagers lying

i laid there silently
"third drawer on the right"
i muttered
i couldn't listen to it any longer

my head was pounding
i kept asking if there was a pill that could make the pain go away
something to make me feel normal again
but there was no response

i looked him right in the eye
without flinching, i said
"you did this"
and he knew it wasn't a lie, or an excuse
but a reason
a reason that his daughter was
binge drinking away her sadness
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
florescent lights become blinding
one friend on the ground *******
while the other straddles the boy of the week

the car comes rushing up
i start to laugh
because in the moment it was funny

my now over protective brother slams the door
trying to get every one together

scattered
passed out
drunk
articles of clothing covered the drive way

and the next morning
it was nothing but blackness
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
the unhealed wounds dance around our body
wrist
ankle
thigh
its just a matter of where you want it

untold secrets crowd our already crowded minds
confessions
secrets
lies
its just a matter of how you see it

and still people say its all for attention
when really
not a moment passes without self loathing

cutting is a silent cry for help
why can't people just understand
eliza bonnet Jul 2014
bonnie and clyde
money and fame on their mind

bonnie and clyde
sought after, yet filled with pride

bonnie and clyde
two killers, romanticized till they died
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
underwater kisses fled my mind
LCCs sunny days came to an end
the boy with the brown curls turned into a form of satan

and i became something i always feared

alone
eliza bonnet Jun 2014
I'm so sick of assumptions
Because I don't have straight As
I won't make it in life
I'm dumb
Stupid
Worthless
My IQ is high
I understand people
Pick up on things quickly
But because I can't focus in class
It's all for nothing
Brilliance isn't measured by tests and essays
I've tried to learn in that enviorment
Tried to pay attention
I can't
"Everyone is a genius but if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb, it will spend it's whole life thinking it's stupid"
eliza bonnet Feb 2017
teeth rotting
heart rate falling
mom calling
hair knotting
alone bawling
sickness calming
disease appalling
depression causing
eliza bonnet Feb 2014
hate forms inside of me
raging
screaming
clawing its way out

i try to stare at the ground
giving everything i have not to yell
and shout
secrets coming out

hope is a foreign thing
something i haven't felt
but hearing my father was giving up
made my heart melt

I'm sorry for the things I've said
and all I've done
but still
i hate you
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
california
my happy place
ruined time and time again
by you

trip 1:
you disappeared for a majority of the trip
leaving us with no car
no money
no food

we assumed you were busy with work
we had to pay for the vacation somehow

only to find out that work was the last thing on your mind
but rather a ***** you met

trip 2:
two years since we had last been
you were making more money
but spending half your annual income on massages with happy endings
although you and mom were still married

we discovered your behavior was to be blamed on the pills you had been taking
a former alcoholic and gambler addicted to prescription drugs
imagine that

you got new meds
less addictive and swore to us that the insanity was over
only for you to come home strung out on drugs for two weeks straight

but after that you turned over a new leaf, kind of
you were still an ******* but we assumed it was just withdraws

finally you had enough trust to return to california
you then proceeded to get sick
and insisted you needed your own hotel room

so we did as you wished
and still don't know what happened in that room
and have no interest in finding out

but one thing we did see
was your over the counter iron pills had been thrown out
and replaced with the drugs you swore you were done with

so now my brother mom and i are sharing a hotel room
all sick of the lies and the *******
and we are day dreaming about returning home

i don't know what will happen to us dad
but i can't imagine ever mending our relationship
not after all the damage you have caused me
my brother
my mom
and most of all
this family
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
laying down on the bathroom floor
sliding down my bedroom door
crying because i know that i can't do this anymore

i was born with a dream
but i continued to scheme
and now that dream
is clearly out of reach

what am i here for
no one here can adore
this bore of a person
my parents had begged for

i feel all alone
with no where to go
or any place to call home
or even anyone to hold
because all we did is all we know
and all we know is letting go
eliza bonnet Feb 2014
i was sent to extinguish the burning flames of hell
the flames that always have burned
and always will

was i sent because i have sinned
or because i have hurt
or deceived

the flames engulf my smoldering body
as i slowly fall down

forever now the caretaker of the underworld
eliza bonnet Nov 2015
now i hate myself
more than I hate you
or should hate you

I ******* NEED TO HATE YOU
but i can't

i have to hate you
why can't i hate you

you are such a bad person
but i can't stop making up excuses
for why you do what you do




jesus
eliza bonnet May 2014
he tore his life apart when he left home
leaving everything he loved far behind
he willingly spent his days on the road
because no one could understand his mind
eliza bonnet Jan 2014
a coherent speaker is a smart one

a lucid thinker is an intelligent one

and the girl who has scars on her knees
that the branches left the night before
is a desperate one
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
butterfly kisses
my favorite thing
i grew up thinking
everything was okay

but once i was older
i started to see
that you couldn't love me
you werent who you used to be

i was your doodle bug
you princess, you see
but once you changed
you tried to flee

the affairs
the cheating
the never coming home
i used to stay up crying
i felt so alone

but you wouldnt know that
because i wouldnt say
i wanted to seem strong
just to make you happy

but you can only hide your feelings
to a certain degree
so after awhile your absentee
couldnt stop bothering me

i wish i could say how i really felt
that the butterfly kisses
still made my heart melt

oh how i missed you
i loved you so
please daddy
just come back home
i wrote this to my father as a little girl
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
im not a homophobic
far from it actually
i do musical theater
and i hate stereotypes
but i do musical theater

but i myself hate the idea of being gay
i don't believe it is a choice
and if it makes you happy
then by all means be happy

and i don't feel comfortable writing this
and i don't feel comfortable with myself

so i won't say it
but i think you know

the way i feel
is far from the usual

and i would give anything to change it

my health
any bit of happiness i have left

and for those who wonder
its not a choice

not for me at least

the first time i kissed a girl
i was 4

the next time
i was 6

and again
i was 7

then again
i was 9

then again
i was 11

and then again
i was 14

and then again
i was 15

its not a choice
and this is my confession
and i will never say it out loud

please understand
this is my confession
eliza bonnet Mar 2014
whisper softly so i can't hear
walk away quickly when i begin to walk near
rip me off like a bandaid, i just can't bare
what you are doing to me anymore

please tell me
about this conspiracy
against me

way to be discreet
you had me believe
this relationship was concrete

i love the feeling when you walk away
just as my mouth opens and i begin to say
exactly how much you mean to me

and how when I'm all alone
you never stopped to think maybe she knows
but you kept pretending we were close

please tell me
about this conspiracy
against me
eliza bonnet Jul 2014
i hate the way it ended
so happily
our never ending laughs
continuing to haunt me

i hate the way i left
so difficultly
the everlasting hug
continuing to haunt me

i hate the way i loved it
so effortlessly
the never ending smile
continuing to haunt me

i hate the way i love you
so easily
the always happy hannah
continuing to haunt me
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