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Jul 2017 · 776
holes
eliza bonnet Jul 2017
Each person gabbed a shovel
They dug and dug
The hole continued to grow deeper
Once they had their fill
They put down their shovels and left
I lunged for the pile of dirt
Scrambling for any way to fill the emptiness
For any way to fill myself back up
To put myself back together again
But the holes were permanent
And though momentarily numbing
The cycle of trying to fix myself
Never stuck
The holes people left
Only grew
Until i no longer was a person
But waste left on the side of the road
Just a collection of failures and disappointments
Stuck together
And helpless
Feb 2017 · 1.2k
addicted to your love
eliza bonnet Feb 2017
Your voice was like pills
it made me feel safe
Your taste was like liquor
And it took away my pain

You were my dealer
and I was overly obsessed
But it was never substance that i needed
Just your toxins in my head
Feb 2017 · 2.1k
"friends with benefits"
eliza bonnet Feb 2017
The kisses didn’t count
If no one else knew
I believed you when you said
This love was only for me and you

Things were lost
That I didn’t mean to lose
I was so addicted to you
It felt like my choice to choose

Blinded by lust
I never knew what to feel
There had to be something there
That convinced me it was real

Being your secret
Was hardly a concern
I learned the hard way
My feelings couldn’t be returned
Feb 2017 · 1.7k
bulimia
eliza bonnet Feb 2017
teeth rotting
heart rate falling
mom calling
hair knotting
alone bawling
sickness calming
disease appalling
depression causing
Feb 2017 · 544
sickness
eliza bonnet Feb 2017
the cracks line the sides of my body
my hands shake wearily
the bruises grow with every step I take
i lock the door behind me
and watch my insides pour out in front of me
my eyes are bloodshot
tears lining the rim

I try not to cough too loudly
I try not to gag too much
I try not to take too long

the fear of my secret being known
kills me more than the disease itself
too bad I'm already dead
Mar 2016 · 1.1k
Untitled
eliza bonnet Mar 2016
It was clear you didn't care
But still
I just sat there
Hoping the silence would fill

Everyone was right
I was wrong
But I still can't quite figure out why
I can't seem to move on
Jan 2016 · 933
shit
eliza bonnet Jan 2016
I hung on to your every word
lost myself at the sight of you
and for what
this?
god ******
Jan 2016 · 515
Lost it
eliza bonnet Jan 2016
somehow
through all the warnings
and all the signs
I still managed
to not realize
how much I was losing
when I lost it
Dec 2015 · 1.3k
depression firsthand
eliza bonnet Dec 2015
Everyone talks about depression
as if they know the emptiness in our bodies,
as if they know the words we repeat to ourselves
over and over again
"you. aren't. worth. it"

like they've spent nights on their bathroom floor
staring at their scars,
wondering how the **** they ended up here
like they've spent hours looking at their blank ceiling
thinking that the longer they stay still, the longer no one else will have to deal with them
because that is all we are
just an inconvenience

and this emptiness surrounds us
proof is that tears just stop coming
and we would give anything to escape
but we have nothing left to give

what we once had was stripped away by a disease that clouds our mind
but to others, we are just "being dramatic"

everyone talks about depression
like they have experienced it first hand
because websites and social media
make it up to be glamorous

"what is she without sadness?"
"who is she without being the damaged girl?"
"what can she offer without substance?"

she can offer nothing
because that is all she thinks she is
Nov 2015 · 770
our snow globe
eliza bonnet Nov 2015
i shook it over and over again
slowly watching the snow fall

3 years passed
the clear water has become foggy
but my signature remains
"love you, e"

the snow, now stuck to the bottom
the small crack barely noticeable, gently lining the side
the bottom reads , "chicago"

3 years passed
its somewhere
in a back corner
on a lost shelf

i know whenever i see it i will think of you
and how you begged me to buy it as a gift
and i always hesitated to give it to you
because i knew if i kept it
you would always have a reason to come back

but it didn't last forever
and just like we broke,
it is breaking too

our snow globe
couldn't last forever
and neither could we
Nov 2015 · 1.3k
chicago lovers
eliza bonnet Nov 2015
now i hate myself
more than I hate you
or should hate you

I ******* NEED TO HATE YOU
but i can't

i have to hate you
why can't i hate you

you are such a bad person
but i can't stop making up excuses
for why you do what you do




jesus
Oct 2015 · 481
self centered?
eliza bonnet Oct 2015
this time, last year, you were dead
or at least you wanted to be
this time, this year, he was dead
herion overdose
god
it made me realize
just how selfish you were then
and still are

this time, last year, I sat in the bathroom and cried for hours
I couldn't imagine a world without you
this time, this year, I looked her in the eye...hardly choked up
god
you are a *****
Oct 2015 · 387
i hate that
eliza bonnet Oct 2015
I hate that I couldn't hold it back
I hate that you had to see me like that
I hate that

I hate that the tears wouldn't stop coming
I hate that my mouth would't stop running
I hate that

And most of all
I hate that you know
that this "strength" that I have
is hardly a show
but a cover
Jul 2015 · 567
This is all on you
eliza bonnet Jul 2015
It's really hard to get excited when I know you won't follow through
It's really hard to believe that this time you really changed
You constantly lie
And you can't handle getting stuck in the holes that you dig
You aren't my mess to clean up
It's not my job to make sure you are happy
That's on you
So leave me out of this
Jul 2015 · 971
Best friends forever?
eliza bonnet Jul 2015
I felt nothing
I feel nothing
I had this big moment planned in my head
Our reuniting
It was going to be one for the books

I forgot how hard it was to have a mentally unstable friend

One who lies
And who switches moods so much it makes me dizzy

I forgot how exhausting it is to love you
I forgot how much loving you hurts

But now I remember
And I feel less than nothing

When I hear your name
Or even just think of you

I lose all emotion

Because I lost you
Jul 2015 · 369
Untitled
eliza bonnet Jul 2015
You are disgusting
You are vile
Everything about you makes me cringe
You put your fat joke of a person before everyone
Including your kids

You will never be happy
But you have everyone working their ***** off trying to please you
You are taking your kids happiness away because you want everyone to be as miserable as you
I hate having you as a dad
Jul 2015 · 476
Why..
eliza bonnet Jul 2015
Why do you have to take everything away from me
Why can't I have anything
Why can't you let me be happy
Why can't things just be simple
Just for once
Just one time

WHY
WHY ******* ME
why ******* me
Jun 2015 · 904
mommy, I love you.
eliza bonnet Jun 2015
she never wore makeup
she didn't need to
but i never understood why she never wore makeup

and her pants were always baggy
overworn, old and baggy
but her closet was full of designer clothes

she never got up
she had so much to do
but i only ever saw her alone
on her computer

and when i read her journal
i only read about what my dad had done
and never thought to read about how it made her feel

3 years later and i came across the pictures
tears formed so gently in my eyes
"i just wanted him to love me. i was obsessed and pathetic, wanting my husband to love me, someone to love me"

my mom will never understand that she had two kids
who always have and always will love her
no matter who she married, who their father was, and how co dependent she was

addiction is a disease and it is scary
addiction never goes away
addiction is all my family knows
May 2015 · 669
we aren't, we are.
eliza bonnet May 2015
we aren't the kind of family who sits in photo booths
posing
laughing between each picture
but god i want to be
we aren't the kind of family who sits at a table together for dinner
talking about our days
our lives
but god I want to be
we aren't the kind of family who loves each other
but god
I ******* want to be

but we are the kind of family who has hope
and never stops hoping that one day it will all fix itself
we are the kind of family who believes that he will always beat his addictions
and god
im so ******* proud of that
because that is all we have

that is the closest thing to love i will ever have
eliza bonnet May 2015
you make me sick
you make me so ******* sick
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you






















****
eliza bonnet May 2015
we don't say "I love you"
not because we don't need to
but because affection is something too foreign
something too uncomfortable
something we want nothing to do with
affection is something we loathe

im thankful for you
and i do, you know, love you
but I cringe at the thought of ever saying it out loud

we used to say it to our dads
before they went of the deep end
mine, before yours

my best guess is that word, that phrase
makes us vulnerable

that is the last thing i want to be...we want to be

but we understand
we do love each other
but will never admit it

maybe that is part of what makes us best friends
May 2015 · 698
Don't do this
eliza bonnet May 2015
Every time you don't answer the phone
my heart stops
"Don't do this again"
"Please don't do this again"
I need you
I want you
Don't do this
I let you back in
Please please please dad
Don't do this
Apr 2015 · 1.0k
are you worth all of this?
eliza bonnet Apr 2015
we built that foundation
you were doing so well for so long
and we built our foundation
its not fair to me
I know how great you can be
but I know the bad is so much worse

I just don't know if its worth it
and that isn't something that I should have to decide.
Apr 2015 · 642
maybe we have it in us
eliza bonnet Apr 2015
I know I have it in my heart to forgive
But forgetting isn't an option.
You will never be my dad
But maybe my father
You will never walk me down the aisle
But maybe you will be there
Maybe we can't be okay
But I think we have it in us to try anyway
Mar 2015 · 720
Time changes everything
eliza bonnet Mar 2015
Everything you said
It was all just words
And then I saw you
How damaged you were
And I realized
That I don't love you anymore
Mar 2015 · 435
f*ck doesn't happen
eliza bonnet Mar 2015
Did you ever make him laugh
I mean really genuinely laugh
did you ever look him in the eye
and just get the feeling
that this is where you were supposed to be
...with him

or did you just see his last name
did you just see yourself at parties
with people who matter
buying houses
with backyards that never end

did she ever make you happy
i mean really genuinely happy
did you ever look her in the eye
and just get the feeling
that this is where you were supposed to be
...with her

or did you just see her, simple her
did you just see her ability to deny
her sheer naiveness
someone who you knew would come crawling back
no matter how ******* up you got

will you ever tell me the truth
admit you were never in love
that this marriage was just a way to benefit each other
or will you let me think that love eventually becomes this

i used to say "**** happens"
but this isn't ****. this is ****.
and **** doesn't happen
Feb 2015 · 1.4k
who is to blame
eliza bonnet Feb 2015
how can they expect a fourteen year old to pick grades over her life
how can they expect a child to pass every test with flying colors
but home come to a ****** up family
how can they expect us to plan our college years
when we can't find hope in anything
when we have nothing to look up to
no one to look up to

was i really supposed to ace all my midterms the week i found out my dad was ******* someone closer to my age than my mom's
was i really expected to finish all my assignments the month my dad came home high and ran through the house screaming
was i really supposed to get 8 hours of sleep on all the nights my dad came charging in the house at 4 am
was i really expected to read all my books while my mom was yelling at me from across the room

now I'm applying to colleges
i don't know who to blame
me for not doing the required work
my parents for not letting me
or society for expecting so much from me

so i can't go to my dream school
i can't go to the best arts program
i can't do what i want to do

is it because of my dads late nights
or because i let them bother me
Jan 2015 · 721
scared
eliza bonnet Jan 2015
I need a quiz to tell me how I feel
what my ****** orientation is
because I am so ******* scared

I am so scared

what happens if I'm not what I want to be
If I can't be with who I want to be with
who I need to be with

I want kids
marriage
acceptance

I want to be in public with his arm around me
without staring or pointing

at least i think that is what i want
i know that is what i need
i think

im not sure
but I'm scared
Jan 2015 · 451
Untitled
eliza bonnet Jan 2015
is it weird
losing your ability to write the moment you're happy again
or does that mean you never really had an ability at all
eliza bonnet Jan 2015
i didn't think i needed to write again for awhile
i thought i felt so much better
i started crying again
it hurts but it feels good...if that makes sense
it feels good to feel
i was so numb
i cry too much now
maybe its because i held it in for so long
its all coming out now
i don't know
im not lonely either
not a lot has changed
but i feel like other people have let me in
its weird
not being so depressed
Dec 2014 · 2.8k
fake
eliza bonnet Dec 2014
you make it so hard
for me to feel like myself around you
you try so hard to be perfect
but i know its not real
ill never know if you like me
or just the part about the money
you can flip your hair, and fake the smile
lie to us but it gets old after awhile

you can either sink or swim
im just diving in
trying so hard to get past
the people who like that, fake smiling it
breaking my heart
changing who you are, but it doesnt matter
does it?
no not to you, at least not anymore
im just breathing in, trying so hard to forget
who i used to be, so maybe people like you will like me

well you win the war and get the crown
i guess everything for you
will just start to pan out

just breathe in slowly
and never forget who you used to be
for the girls who pretended
when really they are just wanna be’s

you can either sink or swim
im just diving in
trying so hard to get past
the people who like that, fake smiling it
breaking my heart
changing who you are, but it doesnt matter
does it?
no it doesnt matter does it
eliza bonnet Nov 2014
love is patient
love is kind
love is slowly
losing your mind

everything you are running away from
is in your head
afraid that one day you will wake up
and realize that the best part of you is gone instead

its going badly
its a terrible disaster
my world is spinning
days go by faster

love is patient
love is kind
love is slowly
losing your mind

don't spend your life
searching for a home
make the bones in your body
your own

time doesn't heal
anything
it just lets us cope
with pain

love is patient
love is kind
love is slowly
losing your mind
Nov 2014 · 1.0k
i couldn't; i can't
eliza bonnet Nov 2014
i remember making you take me to get eggnog
the moment it hit the stores
i couldn't believe that i wasted so many years not drinking it
i can't believe that was my biggest problem
taking eggnog for granted

i remember wanting to tell you first about my grade on a test
the moment i got it back
i couldn't believe that i had done so well
i can't believe it was you i wanted to tell
now we don't speak

i remember how we used to high five
every time we had something in common
i couldn't believe how similar we were
i can't believe i wanted to be like you

because now i hate you
Nov 2014 · 2.3k
words can cut you open
eliza bonnet Nov 2014
words can be like knives
they can cut you open

don't let them be your demise
show them you are still hoping

words have taken lives
leaving families coping

words can be like knives
they can cut you open
Nov 2014 · 590
it still hurts
eliza bonnet Nov 2014
I remember being a kid
it wasn't so simple for me
Learning, I mean
It came to others
so easily

It was hard being a kid
forced to pretend
everything was perfect
that I was perfect

It never got easier
and I only got lonelier
Expressing myself on a computer
under a fake name
with blacked out pictures
so afraid people would know
that i felt things too

that they had enough power to hurt me
that they have enough power to hurt me

that I can be hurt
Nov 2014 · 617
freak show
eliza bonnet Nov 2014
i was depressed and insane
something wrong with my brain
i think

but who else could know
except the people who watched
my freak show

i was pieces of paper
tainted and ripped
the ink spilling off the side

i had no direction
no home
no one to confide

in

lost alone and scared of the unknown
coming my way

no one cared i was afraid
not even me

for how could anyone see
tha pain i couldn't admit lived
inside me
Nov 2014 · 549
Because I won
eliza bonnet Nov 2014
your words were like bullets from a gun
of course its like you to pick the weakest one

you watched my life fall out of place
and laughed as i tried to tape
the pieces back together again

"you're a *****
you're a ****
you're a liar
and a ****"

i believed it was true
why else would you do
and say these things

I was ashamed
borderline insane

but then i came out on top

so *******
and joke of a posey too
because I won
Nov 2014 · 451
thanks to you
eliza bonnet Nov 2014
i was yesterdays news
something old and something used
afraid to change
and what the future brings
will forever be unknown

i was lost and alone
like old payphones
standing in rain
my chipping paint
and untainted fate
stays in a different world

i was the water and the ocean
every word of my devotion
pointed at you

you made me something new
something so bold and so few
could understand

our world was relaxed
for depression was in the past

thanks to you
Nov 2014 · 496
how do you think we felt?
eliza bonnet Nov 2014
you were gone for five years
i mean, you were here
but you weren't really here

and you're still checked out

but how do you think we felt
when we couldn't find you
when you didn't come home
when you were missing...

how do you think we felt
when you swore it was over
you swore you had changed
but you hadn't....

how do you think we felt
when we saw you with her
and her
and her...

how do you think we felt
when you told us
we deserved it
Oct 2014 · 593
what happened
eliza bonnet Oct 2014
i remember it like it was yesterday
but your voice is just a distant echo
as each day passes
it softens
how can I know you so well
and not be able to recall your voice

it was my second favorite part of you
your eyes
will forever be the first
will forever be imprinted in my mind

i see you every day
but i keep walking
avoiding eye contact

I don't think we have spoken sober
in two years
we were so close

what happened?
Oct 2014 · 1.6k
and it sucked
eliza bonnet Oct 2014
I am back to where I can smile when I see you
back to where I can laugh at something you say
and thats what I wanted
all this time
I wanted closure

And I don't miss it
and surprisingly
it *****

I was hoping some part of me would fight for us back
or maybe us finally talking again would remind at least one of us what it was like
how much fun we had

but we just didn't click anymore
it wasn't like we were soul mates
it was like you weren't even the same person

and that ******
Oct 2014 · 611
you.
eliza bonnet Oct 2014
I had to learn the hard way that things can't just simply be repaired
that relationships can't stay the same way forever.
people change
so slowly and then all at once
close your eyes for a second
and you miss it
a year has passed and we haven't spoken
but every time I see you
I can't help but think about what it was like

i can't say I miss it
but I can admit
you were far too much a part of me
and it would be impossible to try to forget you

I don't hate you
I don't like you
I don't..
you

The seemingly never ending battle has ended
and I surrender
you have won
I am gone
and I stopped caring.
Oct 2014 · 1.7k
rage and hate
eliza bonnet Oct 2014
in the sea of love
I soaked in shadows
in the world above
I dug my graves
because thats just me
alone and afraid
full of hate
and full of rage
Sep 2014 · 3.7k
proud to be hers
eliza bonnet Sep 2014
she was strong
stronger than you could ever imagine
she was beautiful
unbelievably beautiful

she survived cancer
when no one thought she could

i was little when she was diagnosed
i remember she had lost her hair
she looked at me and said
"is it bad?"
and then she smiled

i didn't need to answer
she already knew

I heard stories about my grandfather
that would **** her if she knew i knew
no matter how he treated her
she wanted us to look up to him
because thats who she is
forgiving

she made mistakes
like all of us
coming from an alcoholics daughter
to "the kennedy's of kansas" is something no one can do
no one but her

she overcame a lot

when she married her 3rd husband
her right husband
he got cancer
and he died

she kissed him
patted him
and said,
"I finally got it right, and he died on me"

she had tears in her eyes
something rare

after she mourned
she had one last chance to make it right
to prove to her kids
all men weren't bad
and she did

she met warner
3 months later
she got cancer
and she said "boy you've done it now. you are stuck, if you leave me you will always be known as the ******* who left eleanor when she needed you." she smiled, and he watched her carefully
then she said, "here is a list of errands i need you to run"
she lived
he stayed
14 years later
they are still together
and she is stronger than ever
Sep 2014 · 792
poetry
eliza bonnet Sep 2014
my keyboard was clacking
the synonyms lacking
verbs attacking
poetry
Sep 2014 · 813
never letting go
eliza bonnet Sep 2014
when i needed somewhere to go
you were my home

does it make me a terrible person
to just discard of you the moment
I'm back to being me again

the words stopped flowing
my mind was less crowded
but i will never be ready to let you go
Sep 2014 · 999
we haven't spoken since
eliza bonnet Sep 2014
you were my only valentine
no, you were the only valentine I wanted
I waited all day, hoping you would maybe
talk to me in public
like it wasn't a big deal
maybe today
would be our day

at 11:17 pm you texted me
"come outside"
my mind was racing
how romantic could this be
it wasn't public
but it was something

I put on mascara and sprayed perfume and snuck outside
but our eyes didn't meet
I texted back
"here"

my heart was racing
there you were..
and here I was….

we walked until we found a hidden place where our parents couldn't see us, we were only 14
and as expected my mom called
asking where I was in a panic
I hung up and told you
"I have to go"

then it happened

"Ok, then we should probably hook up now"
I knew it wasn't sincere or romantic
but I wanted you so bad

5 minutes later my sweatshirt was off
then my shirt
then my bra

then you whispered
"will you give me a *******"
I was 14, unexperienced, scared
I whispered back
"Im not your little *****"
I got dressed and left

we haven't spoken since
eliza bonnet Aug 2014
I think about it a lot.
What we used to be like
I guess part of me thinks that if it spends that much time occupying my mind
That it will just reappear
Our friendship that is

It's taken me a year to realize that we are just strangers
Who happen to share the same memories
Aug 2014 · 923
1000 words
eliza bonnet Aug 2014
A picture says 1000 words
But words aren't what we need
And I can't tell you what to say
Or how you should proceed

You were gone all the times
You should have been there
And still you don't understand why I hate you
It's not fair

Pointing fingers as if your life depended on it
When did blame become a trend
Or this war with Who cares less
No one can win

I wanted so badly to grow up
No one told me it would be like this
I'm begging you to help me
Save me from this ****

A picture says 1000 words
But words aren't what we need
Aug 2014 · 415
forever and a day
eliza bonnet Aug 2014
promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
then you will break what you swore
and the never mending pain
will forever stay
so im begging you
to fade away
for forever and a day
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