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eliza bonnet Jan 2016
somehow
through all the warnings
and all the signs
I still managed
to not realize
how much I was losing
when I lost it
eliza bonnet Dec 2015
Everyone talks about depression
as if they know the emptiness in our bodies,
as if they know the words we repeat to ourselves
over and over again
"you. aren't. worth. it"

like they've spent nights on their bathroom floor
staring at their scars,
wondering how the **** they ended up here
like they've spent hours looking at their blank ceiling
thinking that the longer they stay still, the longer no one else will have to deal with them
because that is all we are
just an inconvenience

and this emptiness surrounds us
proof is that tears just stop coming
and we would give anything to escape
but we have nothing left to give

what we once had was stripped away by a disease that clouds our mind
but to others, we are just "being dramatic"

everyone talks about depression
like they have experienced it first hand
because websites and social media
make it up to be glamorous

"what is she without sadness?"
"who is she without being the damaged girl?"
"what can she offer without substance?"

she can offer nothing
because that is all she thinks she is
eliza bonnet Nov 2015
i shook it over and over again
slowly watching the snow fall

3 years passed
the clear water has become foggy
but my signature remains
"love you, e"

the snow, now stuck to the bottom
the small crack barely noticeable, gently lining the side
the bottom reads , "chicago"

3 years passed
its somewhere
in a back corner
on a lost shelf

i know whenever i see it i will think of you
and how you begged me to buy it as a gift
and i always hesitated to give it to you
because i knew if i kept it
you would always have a reason to come back

but it didn't last forever
and just like we broke,
it is breaking too

our snow globe
couldn't last forever
and neither could we
eliza bonnet Nov 2015
now i hate myself
more than I hate you
or should hate you

I ******* NEED TO HATE YOU
but i can't

i have to hate you
why can't i hate you

you are such a bad person
but i can't stop making up excuses
for why you do what you do




jesus
eliza bonnet Oct 2015
this time, last year, you were dead
or at least you wanted to be
this time, this year, he was dead
herion overdose
god
it made me realize
just how selfish you were then
and still are

this time, last year, I sat in the bathroom and cried for hours
I couldn't imagine a world without you
this time, this year, I looked her in the eye...hardly choked up
god
you are a *****
eliza bonnet Oct 2015
I hate that I couldn't hold it back
I hate that you had to see me like that
I hate that

I hate that the tears wouldn't stop coming
I hate that my mouth would't stop running
I hate that

And most of all
I hate that you know
that this "strength" that I have
is hardly a show
but a cover
eliza bonnet Jul 2015
It's really hard to get excited when I know you won't follow through
It's really hard to believe that this time you really changed
You constantly lie
And you can't handle getting stuck in the holes that you dig
You aren't my mess to clean up
It's not my job to make sure you are happy
That's on you
So leave me out of this
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