Each person gabbed a shovel
They dug and dug
The hole continued to grow deeper
Once they had their fill
They put down their shovels and left
I lunged for the pile of dirt
Scrambling for any way to fill the emptiness
For any way to fill myself back up
To put myself back together again
But the holes were permanent
And though momentarily numbing
The cycle of trying to fix myself
Never stuck
The holes people left
Only grew
Until i no longer was a person
But waste left on the side of the road
Just a collection of failures and disappointments
Stuck together
And helpless

Your voice was like pills
it made me feel safe
Your taste was like liquor
And it took away my pain

You were my dealer
and I was overly obsessed
But it was never substance that i needed
Just your toxins in my head

The kisses didn’t count
If no one else knew
I believed you when you said
This love was only for me and you

Things were lost
That I didn’t mean to lose
I was so addicted to you
It felt like my choice to choose

Blinded by lust
I never knew what to feel
There had to be something there
That convinced me it was real

Being your secret
Was hardly a concern
I learned the hard way
My feelings couldn’t be returned

teeth rotting
heart rate falling
mom calling
hair knotting
alone bawling
sickness calming
disease appalling
depression causing

the cracks line the sides of my body
my hands shake wearily
the bruises grow with every step I take
i lock the door behind me
and watch my insides pour out in front of me
my eyes are bloodshot
tears lining the rim

I try not to cough too loudly
I try not to gag too much
I try not to take too long

the fear of my secret being known
kills me more than the disease itself
too bad I'm already dead

It was clear you didn't care
But still
I just sat there
Hoping the silence would fill

Everyone was right
I was wrong
But I still can't quite figure out why
I can't seem to move on

I hung on to your every word
lost myself at the sight of you
and for what
this?
god ******