14h eli
Can we not be grown up now?

Those who are will tell me, don't be in such a hurry.
Enjoy this time
But I don't.

I want out, of this house
This family
All of it

I may tell my mother I love her
But that's mostly a lie
I no longer find any joy with her
Or the others

I want only to be with you
When we are grown that will be possible
We don't have to see the people who have pained us forever

We can't run away from the world
But that would be nice too

For now I'll settle for the few days of a week when we can be together
In the place where time stops for us, in the hours of the night
And no one else is around to disturb our peace
  16h eli
despite what others prefer to believe, all women can be mothers.
but not all mothers can be maternal, i've learned this from living with you all these years.

I guess that's the same as saying you weren't hardwired to love me. but i was certainly born to love and need you. i didn't realize this when i was younger, although i wish i did. i wish i understood.

you, in all that you are and all you are not, gave me life. yet i have no happy memories with you. i can't recall a single moment in all these years that we have conversed about anything other than surface level topics.

sure, you keep me well-fed, bathed, clothed, educated, and all things materialistic. other than that, what else was there?

you are emotionally distant, perpetually detached. you never understood how much i needed to be held, comforted and heard. you left me hungry and desperate for love, approval and validation. all of this, i sought from others.

good thing dad is around to make up for what you cant give. i can never thank him enough. but his love can only go so far. i need you too.

look at me, mom, i need a little fixing.
a few others have tried, but have failed miserably. they all gave up eventually.

who would even dare waste their youth on someone as hopelessly broken as i am, right? at least that what you taught me to believe. you belittle me every chance you get.

i keep trying to figure you out. watching movies and reading articles about mothers and daughters who share a strong bond always fill me to the brim with the painful awareness of a deep loss, and the horror that i am alone in this agony.
this was my own personal brand of ****.

what was going through your head when you first held me? were you disappointed that your plans were put on hold because you gave birth to such a needy, greedy baby?

"greedy. that's practically your middle name" you said. remember?
am i the cause of all your frustrations? do you look at me and see all the things you couldn't have, all the things wrong in your world?

recently, i remember you said you wanted us to have a more open relationship, something you never had with your mother.
although now that i've thought about it, it makes no sense.
its almost impossible to justify the idea of you wanting to befriend me, with you being unspeakably critical of me one day, impossibly uncaring the next day and then, completely out of the blue, disconcertingly affectionate toward me.

i am now suddenly aware that the overbearingly fussy mom act, frequently happened in front of an audience.
behind closed doors, you never asked me what i was thinking or how i was feeling. i grew up believing my opinions and emotions were largely irrelevant to you.

there was, and is, no winning with you. i was never smart enough for you, mom. apparently, a 89 is not good enough.

I was never pretty enough for you, either. whenever we went out you told me to put on some makeup. only complimenting my looks when i have a full face of makeup on. the worst part is, for the longest time, i believed you.
i still believe you, sometimes.

mom, for years, you've convinced me i am unworthy of unconditional love and affection, for being unapologetically me.

me relationships, both romantic and platonic, have been a constant roller coaster ride. one moment, my head is spinning from the high of all their love and support, the next minute, i am spiraling into depression, because i feel like i cant trust them to stick around.
because who would want to stay with a person who is beyond reparation, right?

it always seems like euphoria is less welcome than misery when i'm around you. i flee from romantic relationships when i notice myself becoming attached. i don't even know why, considering the amount of fondness i have for them.

maybe it's self sabotage? perhaps. what i do know for sure is i don't deserve such a kind, loving soul.
or do i?

do you even realize how crippling it is to constantly wait for the other shoe to drop? i have friends who have been there for me all these years and i, for the life of me, don't trust them enough not to judge me whenever i open up about my problems and this sadness you've inflicted on me.
that is why i suffer in silence.

i feel an obsidian emptiness in my heart and my soul. and you are the one who caused it.
i despise what you've done to me, but even i know i can't hate you forever. i can't keep living my life like this, mom.
but who do i turn to?

i reckon this terrible affliction is mine, and mine alone. i have to stop blaming you now.

i have to emancipate myself from all the guilt that well meaning people direct toward me, for having such strong, contradictory feelings for you. they are oblivious to what it's like to squirm under your disapproving gaze, after all.

i must be free of you somehow.
only then i can begin to heal.
only then can i be free.
  Dec 7 eli
There is no perfect word,
no adjective or noun
just a combination of
         I hate
         I worry
         I regret
         Am I enough?

It's a moment where my insecurities
are no longer a low hum
and I discover a whole
          new shade of
  Dec 7 eli
Nosipho Khanyile
I was afraid to pick up the pen.

Afraid that my technicolours
would become a bruise in their eyes.

I thought what what intrinsic to me
would seem sadistic to them.

I was afraid
they would be oblivious to the glitches I showed them in society

I was afraid they wouldn't care..

I was wrong.
  Dec 7 eli
Lyda M
It's 3am

I'm on the phone
No one's awake and I'm alone

It's 3am

The radio's on
Songs are played on lonely station

It's 3am

I'm in my bed
My eyes are open and sleep has fled

It's 3am

I'm on the balcony
The sky is dark and just quite scary

It's 3am

Some windows have lights
Could they also not sleep tonight

It's 3am

I'm still awake
When will life ever give me a break
Insomniac nights are the worst. And it's been going on like this for quite awhile.
eli Dec 5
hi, guess what i'm listening to country music right now
and i cant text you because my parents took my phone and laptop:(
so ill just write this and you can read it later
i love you

i just ran dowstairs amd almost tripped and died
but its like all good
i had to get my chocolate milk
imma watch cat videos until im tired

okay well i lied
i started watching horror movie trailers and now im scared
im still listening to country
im soo bored

jeez my parents just came home because they forgot their keys for something and somehow noticed i was up and gave me sleeping pills
so i kinda wanna die but its all good
i just listened to the song H.O.L.Y and now 16 is playing
not a bad song

i was thinking about how you always say opposites attract
and like thats not wrong because we're really different people
but like i was thinking about it
and i think i kinda get it now
we're opposite, or at least we were before we started dating but we kinda tried to like the stuff the other person likes
like i wouldve never started listening to country if it wasnt for you
and you probably wouldnt have tried listening to the music i like
and you probably wouldnt have tried to write poetry
so like i think thats why people say opposites attract, because we show eachother new stuuf and like idk

well i just remembered i have a health test tomorrow so i should probably study but i cant do that tomorrow in the morning or later

ughhhh im still not tired
oh guess what?
i love you soooooooo much
and youre amazing and great and one of my favourite people

okay well the pills are really kicking in now
so goodnight
i love you
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