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Dec 2019 · 145
Social Anxiety - In my Head
El Dec 2019
I know the fear is all in my head and the dizziness I feel is misleading
I know my heart is pounding does not mean i'm dying
I know the skipped beats are not threatening
I know no one is watching me
I know no one is listening
I know that its not real
I know i'm safe
I know

But

What if its real
What if I am dying
What if i'm having a heart attack
What is the dizziness makes me faint
What if everyone is watching me and noticing
What if everyone can hear the shakiness if my voice
What if my pounding heart in seconds away from stopping

Breathe.
Anxiety disorders are the worse.
Thoughts that go through my head, even though i know they are not real, make it even worse.
Nov 2018 · 155
Reliving to relieve
El Nov 2018
It’s strange how a book can recall memories
Memories I try to forget and yet
I go searching for the pain to relive them
Not relieve them like a normal person should
I feel drawn to re LIVE the pain
And when I cry
And my warm tears
I feel running down my face
I think it’s like an acknowledgement
I think it makes my pain real
And as the water pools and trickles from my eyes
It feels real
And not just a numb memory
I had forced it to be
"The God of Small Things"
Nov. 15. 18
Nov 2016 · 619
The Wolves
El Nov 2016
I threw myself to the Wolves,
Only to learn the tenderness in their howl
and the loyalty in their blood.

- Isra Al-Thibieh, The Wolves
Not my quote, But very meaningful
Jul 2016 · 762
Estranged Love
El Jul 2016
Maybe you never really loved me
I know that sounds weak
But how could I ever know
Since your existence in my life was bleak?
You were the whisper in my ear
The call out in the night
The possessive arms around me
that just held a bit too tight

A memory is what you are
a flicker to start a fire
Maybe you never really loved me
Maybe all you did was inspire

To write my heart on blank pages
that are swept away with my thoughts
And crash against the shoreline
of dreamless nights only to be fraught
With the fear of losing
when there is nothing to win
Maybe you never really loved me
But at least you knew how to tuck me in
Dec 2015 · 423
Endless Time
El Dec 2015
Time will flow on,
Through darkness, strife and night,
Through love, day and light.
Through hurt, pain and fears,
Through peace, careness and tears,
There is no stopping the steady years.

To forget and be lost,
To be forgotten and become the lost,
To heal the wounds.
and have wounds healed,
This constant give and take,
Time has no hand in the deal of fate.

A gentle watcher
of a dreamless night
Time, a beautiful illusion
Of those who are human.
Oct 2015 · 616
In the end
El Oct 2015
Everything will be
okay in the end
and if
its not okay
then it is not the end
Beautiful quote I wanted to share, not mine and I could not pinpoint whom created it. I feel as though it has really deep meaning for those who are experiencing a rough moment in there life, it has the encouragement to keep fighting, and almost reassures the interpreter that everything will be alright.
Oct 2015 · 570
Games
El Oct 2015
You believe this is a game,
And you may very well be right.

but

If you think you can play it better then me
*think again
- Unknown
May 2015 · 263
Untitled
El May 2015
What is heartbreak?
Is it rather literal,
In a sense where you could cry?
Feel shrivelled up,
And die?
Is it the feeling you get
Drowning in regret?
Left with self hatred and loathing
Waiting and hoping
For a hand to reach out
And rid you of that painful doubt
Maybe
However to me,
It is something that can never been seen
By those you love,
For it with bring more trouble then worth
And be the darkest night
And the deepest hurt
Mar 2015 · 732
Poetic Tears
El Mar 2015
Let me use my tears
       To paint the poetic pain
                That I just manage to contain
Mar 2015 · 1.3k
Unrequited but Happy
El Mar 2015
Watching from a distance
But so close to touch
Speaking with a tone of affection
But never dare to love
Hurting since I am outside the your box
But inside your life
And yet
I find the loneliness beautiful
As I will forever find you
*My Platonic love
Mar 2015 · 1.9k
Wanting The End
El Mar 2015
Its sad that I find myself
Not waiting for the Happy Ending anymore
*I just crave The End
Mar 2015 · 488
Addicted to death
El Mar 2015
Choking on death
but loving the taste
Tears cloud my eyes
left by a toxic waste
My lungs burn
Like the fire within
But I only say
"One more breath"
My addictive, smoking sin
Mar 2015 · 537
restrained, broken love
El Mar 2015
I struggle
to leave
to fly away
from all that
hurts me
pains me
breaks me
but my only
restrain
is you

Holding my hand
But not with love
Gripping my heart
but not gently
Love taps
stained with bruises
my restrain
is you
but I can only welcome death
because what else can I do?
Mar 2015 · 3.4k
Where is Beauty?
El Mar 2015
Beauty is not in the face; Beauty is found in the heart
Mar 2015 · 1.1k
Your sweater
El Mar 2015
Its amazing what just an object can do
Depending on who it was from
And what it means to you
Given to me is a borrowed gift I treasure
It is not a car
A phone
But merely a
Sweater

It may seem silly
It may seem odd
That a sweater can do so much
But along with the
Warmth
The laughter
And the love
It brings
I would rather have your sweater
Then any of the other electronic things
Mar 2015 · 1.9k
Societies distraction
El Mar 2015
"Pull down your shirt"
"Fix your top"
"That shirt is too low!"
"Get a longer skirt"
"You *will provoke an attack"

Sometimes
It sadden me to know
that the world is not
teaching some men how to
look at women with respect
and instead
society is telling women
to be conservative
so
men won't be
*Distracted (?)
This was not meant to be offense, so I do hope you do not take it as such
Mar 2015 · 3.2k
Platonic lies
El Mar 2015
It hurts to know
I love you
It hurts to say
you care
It hurts to smile
claim my platonic love
for you
when I know that all of my heart
is really there
Feb 2015 · 3.4k
Warm Love
El Feb 2015
Warm bodies
Meshed into one
Cold night
blocking the sun
Hot fire
Heating my cheeks
Shy smile
showing through my teeth
Brown eyes
Full of love
Gentle touch
of your arms
Hearts beating
Like the sounds of a drum
now I know
You are my only one
Feb 2015 · 1.5k
Alcoholic Misery
El Feb 2015
I drink until I feel
Something
Anything
The sickness
Dizziness
Fake happiness
Until I don't feel you
Your touch
Your love
My broken heart
Is drowned in my pool
of alcoholic misery
Feb 2015 · 310
(((16 W)) Love
El Feb 2015
If any day now,
I could find a way how
Just
to love you better now
Feb 2015 · 358
Words
El Feb 2015
Its amazing what words
can do
How they affect they way people act,
they do
"I hate you"
"****"
"******"
"Just die" *
are so often believed
we try to cover pain, with a lie
And said in a strong tone
Filled with hate and anger,
by voices unknown
But
words like,
*"I love you"

"You're perfect"
"Stay with me"
are the ones most barely believe
and leave behind
Why?
Is it really the truth now?
Can I not trust what others say?
Sometimes I think this word path
Will lead me astray
Feb 2015 · 1.4k
In Reality
El Feb 2015
You think you are fine
               *But in reality, you just want to be saved
Feb 2015 · 244
blues
El Feb 2015
That boy has got rhythm...
                            *'cause he hums every-time he is blue
*He is We - Radio*
Feb 2015 · 970
breath
El Feb 2015
Time flies and as the years creep by
My knees are sore and weak
my heart is torn and meek
my eyes are memories
long forgotten
forever ignored
I hate the feeling in my throat
the will life has for air
even though it treats me so unfair
I hold my breath and squeeze my eyes
My heart pounding
Lungs feel as though they are doubling in size
I feel faint, dizzy and just before I welcome the darkness
I slip into a short rest and awake again only to find
that my knees are sore and weak
My heart is torn and meek
My eyes are memories I don't want anymore
and my breath is still here
never opening my deathly door
Jan 2015 · 322
My broken love
El Jan 2015
My stomach is in knots
My mind is distraught
I clench my eyes shut
As this feeling has left me in a rut
I know it will hurt you
But know that it hurt me too
If I stay any longer
My feelings will never grow stronger
A love without emotion
Is one I cannot stay
And although you swear that you will make me pay
For this broken love that lead you astray
Demanding
Begging
and finally Crying
For me to stay and give you my heart once more
But I cannot be the one you will want to adore
No more
I gift a gentle gaze, my smile crooked as I leave
My broken love behind
As I have finally set my mind free
Dec 2014 · 507
What love can I give?
El Dec 2014
I am in a fight with myself
My heart screaming to be heard
My head shutting it down
The pure thought of this feeling terrifies me
But at the same time
releases me
I listen to my heart
Her smile is pure and gentle
Her eyes filled with care and hope
Her touch is like that of a feather against my heart
Fluttering constantly

I listen to my head
He likes the sound of my voice
He likes the way I appear
and the touch I give him
like a taste of love that you would find in a whiskey bottle

He takes what I have
But how can I give him what he wants?
When she already has it?
Dec 2014 · 550
The Monster inside
El Dec 2014
Monster stay with me all around
They shot down my hope, Pinned my heart to the ground
They walk beside me, silent stalkers with no end
They lean in and whisper
daring me as they bash inside my head
I hate the feeling they rip through me
They steal my happiness and claw at my smile
They turn it into a frown, but I guess its alright after awhile
After all, they are part of me
The only thing I want to be
The only thing I hate to accept
Is the monster inside of me
Dec 2014 · 345
Used to the Pain
El Dec 2014
Taking a seat beside you
I smile
And you return it
But it feels
empty
As I look into your weary eyes
I see nothing
Nothing of the boy I once knew
Your smile has never woken
Your spirit is always broken
Your fear only grows
As death between you tolls
Whispering
watching
Waiting for you to make a move
so it can break you down
making you lose more weight then just a pound
Laughs as you cry burning tears
Ones you hid from me for years
But what really sets me off-task
Is when I ask you and take away the flask,
'Don't you want this to stop? Doesn't it hurt?'
and you reply, lonely gaze raised towards the sky
Your lips tainted with alcoholic lies
**'I'm used to it"
El Dec 2014
The Happy
(The Mean)
The silent ones in between
The smile
(The sneer)
The loved ones you try to keep near
You try to hold on
Keep then up high
(when all they want to do)
is*
(die)
Fly
whatever they want to be
Free
(Alone)
from
all the voices
(the sounds that scream and bash)
inside there heads
(Begging)
pleading to be released
so they can finally be
(Empty)
*Happy
Dec 2014 · 1.6k
Societies Mirror
El Dec 2014
Mirror, Mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all

Not you, you're fat
You look horrid in that hat
I hate it when you dress like that
You might as well have been beaten with a bat
Too small
Too tall
Too short
Too slim
There will never be an way to win


Mirror Mirror one the wall
Are you really a reflection of what I need?

*No, I am just an image of what society wants you to be
Dec 2014 · 1.8k
Silence
El Dec 2014
Silence is sometimes the most powerful scream
Dec 2014 · 2.0k
Harmful Him, Hurtful her
El Dec 2014
Him
         With his eyes like cold daggers
Her
          With her eyes filled with broken emptiness
Him
          With his smug smirk
Her
          With her weak smile
Him
          With his breath taking laughter
Her
          With her silent sobs for air
Him
          With his addictive poison
Her
          With her addictive need for love
Him
          With his hurtful words
Her
          With her silent plea's
Him
          Harmful

Her**
          Hurtful
Nov 2014 · 8.4k
Cheating Love
El Nov 2014
He watched as the tears flowed down my face
But I turned away to hide his disgrace
I took my heart and held it tight
held in the pain with all of my might
I took a breath
Sharp in
Cut out

As a felt his hand on my shoulder
But I was already filled with doubt
when I turned around to meet his gaze
Mine was hard, and soon his was hazed
I yanked away from his desperate grasp
But I think I already knew we were done and past

I heard his voice crack with sadness
"Please stay, I love you, I'll miss you, I need you"
Choking on sadness, but holding the rest down
I whispered back, with an emotionless sound
**"You may have forgotten what love meant, But my love is something where rules cannot be bent"
Nov 2014 · 739
Death is left
El Nov 2014
I
      smile everyday, even though I feel empty because I
Want
      others to not know the pain I feel inside, begging
To
      Get out and scream to the world to just
Die**
      Because honestly, That is all that I feel is left for me
Nov 2014 · 657
Demons inside the pill
El Nov 2014
Your eyes burn red,
As the demons sit inside your head,
Awaiting for tears to spill
Before tempting you to take another pill
You clutch your heart in some fright,
Knowing that you are going to die tonight,
Some part of you whispered to put up a fight
And you tried... But now it seems you have no more might.
Happiness.
Life.
Will to live.
Is something that you cannot just give.
As the chill of the death infused capsule touches your lips,
You will grit your teeth as the demons beg you for one last sip
Of the pain.
The fear.
as Death draws you near
And cradles you within its crooked embrace
Glances over your dying body with some haste
Your body heaving a chilling sigh
But the Demons will forever whisper, and torture inside.
Nov 2014 · 611
A Poets (Twisted) heart
El Nov 2014
A poets heart
Is that of torn and tattered pages
Filled with words that beg to be expressed
That most will deny, and keep repressed
So filled with vengeful hate,
Twisted love,
Sweat-breaking fear,
Painful anger,
Created not by the friends they keep close
But the demons they host
My heart is that of a poet
Cold, but true
And if you understand what the demons mean,
Well then
You might be one too.
Nov 2014 · 595
Painted smile
El Nov 2014
The silence is sickening,
As I watch your expression change
Just after my confession, your heart flew into a rage,
You balled your fists in anger, holding with all your might,
I watched nervously as you did, then I closed my eyes tight
The pain struck me like a bullet, but was not what I thought
As I opened my eyes, you will still standing there, distraught,
I wanted to ask him why, but I did not let those words slip
As watch a hot tear fall down down his face, and he parted his lips,
"You know you have broken me"
He said with a crooked smile
And that was when I felt the real meaning of pain
The pain of a painted smile
Nov 2014 · 518
Robbing a Life
El Nov 2014
Hot tears that fall,
filled with pain and hatred
My throat is tight like a noose,
Begging for my soul to be let loose
Of the Pain,
The fear
What am I doing here?
I should be embraced in your arms
So warm
So tight,
But right now, I doubt I will make it home tonight
The death-wrapped blade pierces my heart
Splattering the sidewalk with my ****** red art.
The shadow cracked a crooked smiled and reach into my pocket
Shuffling and searching, before putting its hand on my wallet.
With that, the shadow leaves, disappears into the dark night
Taking with him, my wallet... But also my life
I flutter my eyes as my heart pounds in my head
Slower
Slower
Slower
*Slow-
Nov 2014 · 801
Minds
El Nov 2014
You write so beautifully**
                *Your mind must be a twisted place
Nov 2014 · 3.2k
Dragon Fire
El Nov 2014
When I was a little girl,
I watched my mother smoke,
I watched as it consumed her lungs, often causing her to choke
When I asked what it was, she told me it was Dragon fire
I believed her in a heart beat, Thinking it was magic of unattainable desire.

My mother was a dragon
She could breath fire, she could fly
Little did I know then, it was the dragon that caused her to die.

The black coal took over her lungs, the claws ripped at her throat,
As the dragon latched on, there was little hope.
Her wings grew weaker, as they became tattered and fragile
but my mother still drank in the toxic embers, it was her addictive desire.

As her breath began to falter, and her flame began to die,
Her candle blew out, now it was really her time to fly.
Nov 2014 · 299
And Yet
El Nov 2014
Even**
       I remember that sometimes
Angels
        Cannot even help me
Fly
      Away from all this painful emptiness and I feel
Alone
       and yet I am right beside you darling
El Nov 2014
It was not my choice to be, nor was I born to be
But as I grew, it was what was sought of me
The fiery ambition,
The coldness in my tone,
Was what helped me grow to be so alone,
My father only taught me, to drink away my fears,
My mother taught me the best way, to hide my painful tears,
And so I am a monster in disguise
Forever stuck in pain, and giving out the rest of your lies
"I am okay"
"I fell"
Are some that I tend to tell
Even though I am stuck in my own nightmarish hell.
And even though
it was not my choice to be, Nor what I was born to be
I will forever be a punching bag, on the brink
Of the monster that taught me how to drink
Nov 2014 · 364
Please don't
El Nov 2014
Please don't hug me
I cannot embrace you in my arms
Please don't look at me
I cannot hold your beautiful, brown gaze
Please don't touch me
I cannot fall farther then I already have
Please don't love me

I cannot risk loving you back.
And falling again
El Nov 2014
The sound of pounding in my chest,
indicates my silent distress,
I hear its harsh beat as I scream out loud,
even though I cannot even make a sound.
I try to run, I try to fight so maybe I could get some sleep tonight,
But it pulls me within its cold embrace and gives me a crooked grin, displaying no haste.
It will play with my mind , my emotions, my heart
Neither good or bad, but maybe its an art
After all, I did create it even though it hurts so bad,
Although when I had awoken I realized that I had been
I never really need to sleep because it is still in my head.

Haunting me during the day, daunting me to come back to bed.

I never bothered to think that my dreams could come true, but then I remembered.

Nightmares are dreams too.
First poem :)

— The End —