my mind moves faster than my mouth could ever hope to and i so often find myself in self-inflicted messes, embarrassed at my painfully apparent lack of finesse when it comes to crafting a phrase in a way that  actually makes sense. endlessly i stumble, dry mouthed, over meager words that could never accurately convey the hurricanes inside my brain, no matter the conviction with which i speak them. the war for stillness rages on in the chaos of my skull, shaken by tremors of memories like atom bombs. my mind is screaming but it's all in a language that i can't understand, no matter how hard i try. reduced to heaving sobs and irrevocable disgust for my inability to to speak due to the lack of air inside my lungs. thunder crashes and lightning flashes through my mind, looming in the form of opaque storm clouds above my bed. i am sinking, no, i am absolutely drowning, but there is no water around to be found for miles; so i guess that makes these waves my thoughts. and that must mean i waved goodbye to sanity's shorelines long ago.

don't fall in love with the ones who will touch you and make you feel like you're floating,
because soon enough they'll push you to the ground, leaving you to question everything, with nothing but the bruises and scars on your body left over from their touch. don't fall in love with the ones who only crave intimacy. they won't want you how you want them, they are only driven by sweet words and an even sweeter kiss while you crave something much more.

he had constellations in his eyes and all the world in the palm of his hand but yet he couldn't find anywhere for me to stay

i keep telling myself people are not allowed to just exit and re-enter my life as they please, but i leave the door unlocked, so what does that make me? every "i love you" i never got to say is still stuck to the roof of my mouth, others have tried to pry it out of me, but the memory of you is like lockjaw. and you know i'm too weak to ignore you. i learned how to translate your texts from a drunken mess back into english. i am fluent in apology, but i don't want to hear them anymore. stuck between i love you's  and that not being good enough for either of us, what do we do now? Where do we go from here? Do we even do anything? As if simply loving someone was ever enough for anyone. I miss you so much, i never wanted to be anywhere you were not.