I haven't logged into my Hello Poetry account in so long and wow...
I am so sad at what I'm seeing. I cannot believe that there was a time in my life where I hated everything. It amazes me that I'm still alive, after reading these forgotten memories, they bring me so much pain. Today I'm in a very different space and I can't thank you guys enough for all the kind comments you left on my worst nights. As I'm reading these entries, I remember all the hatred and darkness that fueled me. I feel the tears and the ache and I feel it all so intensely..

But I also feel the light now. I still have those days where I fall but these days I know how to pick myself up. I hope to anyone who is or was in my situation, I hope you all feel the same strength I do now. My sickness didn't **** me, I am alive and everyday I fight.

Everyday I'm surviving.
I hope you all continue to fight with me.

So I guess it seems that my foresight
Had been accurate all along.
But darling, there's no sweetness in being right
When I longed so much to be wrong.

The shackles of your evil never let me breathe

And so I drowned, I didn't fight the fire, because that very same pain was my pleasure
It was you

Nothing seemed more comforting than the horror you brought me and nothing could bring me back from the fire that burned inside me but your drunk arms
And those very same arms that held me, hurt me
And those very same lips that caressed me, spoke to me in different tongues
And we were in ruins and disastrous, ***** and tainted by the lies our bodies whispered

And there was something you did to me, and now I'm looking for the pieces you ruined to fit again
Because the worst thing I ever did was let you come in and sloppily hide in my heart

And there's times like these I think of you, and of the girl I was then and it amazes me that I once thought the devil was an angel
I once thought you were my savior when all you did was condemn me to this small hell

And even with you completely banned from my soul
You still linger
You still punish my heart from being pure
And know that I will never forget what you did
But the worst part of it all
Is now my future won't either

I am smiling, even when the pain I once felt keeps on knocking..

It feels good knowing, I won't open the door

No trespassers welcome here

Everything changed and **** it feels **** good.

The silence is the closure
Hard to understand
Till you get older
Have someone treat you so bad
That it takes years to get over
Can't help but to feel sad
Tried hard to stay sober
Just to deny the fact
That whatever it was
It's over