I feigned sleep
As his hands wrapped my body
A safe cocoon in blue arms

I wonder how much time
I have left until the spell
To break

Home is a homeless place
Love and you will never
Find it elsewhere

His heart beat loud in my
Back and a hardness
That pulls me closer

I stayed awake
As the room filled with blue
And the clock as my consort

A hand of warmth, his touch
Like the touch of many others
Before and after

You felt blinded to be alive
But he turned off the light
And tucked you under

Love, it doesn't have to feel
This way but which way
Must you go when

Home is not a home to you
You've been gone for
So long

His blue arms are what draws
You back and you
Cleave as if it's your roots

Blue love, blue arms
Blue hearts, blue room
I feigned sleep

A safe cocoon in blue arms

he asks
when will it open
what, i asked
your heart.

he says
i brought hammers but
i fear it might hurt you
i said
soft, love. soft hands.
soft touch is enough

he says
kiss me
you won't have
to open your legs
just your lips, nothing
else
no, touch me soft

he tears my heart
and licks the inside
i moan
because my tongue is
tied

he touches and touches but
i won't come
i won’t come but i still
moan to keep him
occupied

im afraid the wolves
might come
i tell him when it's all over
that night the moon was too loud

so you trust me?
he asks
like howling wolves
we lie, crying
and as the dusk came he
covered me in his arms

in the morning i woke
to see the bed empty
only stains of the last night
in the bedsheets

i was afraid the wolves
might come

I wanted to die in his car
As he drove in the highway
To the unknown
The night dark as coal

He said he would give me the night
But I only wanted his heart
I closed my eyes
As he sped along
My heartbeat loud in my ears

Place me in your heart
I’ll show you where my sadness hides
Love, it doesn’t always have to feel
This way
But I can no longer bear the hollow of
Tomorrow

I turn to face him,
Eyes fixated on the endless road
If he wanted he would have chose me
I will never be in love
I will never feel it all.

1.     My house is the same size as his mother's bedroom.
2. He was the first to notice the colour of my eyes.
3. He kept his left hand on my thigh and steered with his right.
4. He drew a long breath and breathed out a smoke on my face
5. He said men should not hurt their wives.
6. He drove sober while I leaned back with a bottle of cider in my hand.
7. He asked why I was so sad.
8. He told me he and his mother never talked.
9. I liked the feel of his hand on my hair.
10. He stopped kissing and wanted to talk about it
11. I've tried so hard to keep my wrists clean.
12. He claimed he was not looking for ***.
13. He only wanted me for my body.
14. I was not ashamed of my nakedness.
15. He stopped when I said no.
16. I fumbled; I was only a ******.
17. He sobered up in the cold shower while I lay in his bed, waiting.
18. I thought I heard my mother's voice from the back of my head, asking me my whereabouts.
19. I was somebody's daughter.
20. He was somebody's son.
21. There was a drawing by his kid sister, with a caption: the best brother in the world.
22. I felt too ugly to be lying there.
23. For all my life. I've wanted a brother. Someone who would protect me. Someone who would fight for my mother, who would gently cup my ears in the midst of my father's violence.
24. He came back and kissed me again.
25. I touched him because I was lonely.
26. I did not stop him from making marks on my neck.
27. I wanted to give myself up. I did not care. I had no reason to keep my virginity. But I was somebody’s daughter, and I...I loved myself too much.
28. He faltered at the mention of her name. He loved her. It was all too familiar.
29. He wanted to know how long I was staying.
30. My flight was only in eight hours.
31. I felt angry at his dominance over every events of my life.
32. I did not know how to forgive him. He, who was supposed to be my lighthouse, my shade. He made it so hard for me to trust, too vulnerable, always playing on the safe side. He hurt me too much.
33. He fell asleep with his back turned against me. I wanted to reach out to be held. But I did not know how to please him.
34. I was supposed to feel safe under my father’s shadow.

You thought you could spread your legs
to the first stranger who spoke your name,
but even then you were so ashamed of your skin,
the marks and scars of the body you were born in
that you eloped.
You never came back.

You asked what you had to do to be loved.
To be wanted.
It was all you've wanted.

The first boy whom you confessed to smiled, amused,
and asked, so?

It's the question you've been trying to answer all your life.

so?

Your first kiss was at eighteen, ugly and untouched.
He only wanted your body,
but you've forced yourself to think otherwise.

Oh, love.
It is so sad to live in your own body,
to watch him watch her,
watch her link her arm around you and starts
telling you about her problems

Problems.
oh, you had them too.
but you were just a listener,
with ears always, always open.
you felt like a mute. your mouth filled with sand.

Do they know how much you love yourself?
You did.
You had to.
You were trying, but no. You were not enough.

At night he is always there, in your bed.
Your brother, i mean. Whispering how much he loves you.
But in the morning he is gone
and you have not seen him ever since.

This does not make sense.
No, no more questions.
Nothing will ever make sense.

Today, you texted a boy who used to love you,
and when he didn't text,
you nodded to yourself.
it's alright. you expected this. be calm. don't panic.

your friends call you the queen of sarcasm, of loudness.
Some asked why you were always so depressed.

Depressed. Empty. Sad. Vulnerable.
It's all you've ever been since the day
you saw the front door close behind your father.
Since the day you left your own country.

But your days no longer revolve around your mother's sadness, or your father's violence.

And you are too old now. No more lighting candles. No more days of fresh hotel sheets and smells of sunscreen.

In December, a boy confessed he liked you.
You didn't want to choose him because you were lonely.
And when you wanted to choose him
because you were lonely, he was not there.

You thought if he comes, you would give him all your love.
All the yellow light you've been hiding in your heart.

You wanted simplicity. Love and his eyes.
Stop, this is getting too long.

you never liked the sun touching your face.
you wanted the night. its dark hiding your flaws.
you wanted to cry
but you were flaccid, like a wilted flower.
you wanted to love
but your blood tasted of running,
running, running.
because he told you to lie down,
and for a second you were hesitant.
you felt him hard between your legs,
but he still stopped when the alarm*
went off.

lightly child. lightly.
move your feet lightly. touch your memories gently.
because he told you how he and his mother never talked,
and you closed your eyes when he said
men should not hurt their wives.
lightly child, lightly.
you never liked the sun.
the way the rays exposed your skin to the world.
you wanted to sway.
you wanted to burn.
he never bothered to keep in touch
but you still think of him now and then.

you thought you would burst
from all these ugly feelings
but you held the explosion so tight
it melted inside your bog of depression.
in the midst of your sadness,
you cannot help but think about  
him,
her,
about the night that concealed all your flaws.
and you know that you are young
and you have so much time
to make things better.

you know,
and you are trying
just to leave your bed,
just to hold your legs back from running into the roads,
just to keep your head above the sea.

so love, draw back the curtains and
close your eyes.
*you never liked the sun touching your face.