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eden 5d
oh
perhaps this is karma
from all the times
someone needed me
and i wasn't there
because I have been absent from myself
for the past sixteen years
eden 5d
today I
left my body, took a step outside of myself
I watched as every little thing you did
to keep me alive ended up
falling at both of our feet

with unsteady hands
you held me steady
you told me
you knew how much pain there was here
you told me
that i could build a home in you
for when it
gets bad so I did

but now there's just bricks
dirt and dust from
all of the untouched boxes
we never got to unpack
or look through
as a husband
and a wife

i think maybe
i am grieving
today I watched as every
effort you never took
to keep me alive grabbed me by the throat
and slit my wrists open

today I bled out in the bathtub
i walked into the water
with my clothes on
i got soaked and
the demons scratched me up again
just a little

im sorry i wish
i could tell you all the things
i love about you
and put them in a box
one where i can rest
its okay
that i built a home in you
even if i must
grieve it now

our love lies
in this coffin with me
in this home you built for me
six feet
underground
baby please please
go to therapy
i miss you
eden 5d
i am
not here
stop talking to me like i am

why dont you tell me the things youd say
if you knew i was dying

maybe then the truth would
actually
come out between your
dry lips

your sour tongue
eden 5d
my mother
does not know empathy
she looks at a persons pain
and
she does nothing more

she looks at a persons pain
she will see the blood
and she will ask how it got there
she will ask why
but my mother
does not know empathy

so she will look at your wounds
and then speak
of how she bled more
she will look at your blood
like it's the
worst part of your pain
as if you were not
stinging relentlessly
from the bruises
black and blue
and black and blue
her words left these marks on you
my mother
like salt in the wound she will
take your dull heart
she will tell you
how you made hers even more pained
she will look at your arms
her eyes will trace
what her mind could never
comprehend
she will not go further
than the surface of the cut

no
she will become blinded
in a fury by the red
and the velvet glow
and she will blame you
for all of it
all of it
all of it

i wish my mother knew empathy

but she never has,
my father said so himself

my father gets migraines
he pops a pill
silent quick relief

my mother doesn't sleep
she has a headache all the time
but it's from
the constant state
of exhaustion
my mother doesn't get migraines

she will act like the way her mind pounds
in the mornings
and makes her dizzy
through her days
is to be compared

to the way my father
bears his migraines
and keeps it to himself
that he's even hurting

but pain is not to be compared, mom
it is to be felt
and experienced

this is the environment I grew up in
a father who is silent
and a mother who is abusive
by

nature and
it has
changed me

my mother does not know empathy
she will never know how
to
look at a situation
and see it for what it is
she will never know how to
step into shoes
that are not
her own
eden 6d
for energy
but when i eat, i still
have no energy
i need this food
to get myself up in the morning
but when i eat, i still
don't want to get up in the morning!
just struggling with wanting to get better rn idek
eden 6d
maybe you should find
maybe you should find some time to
be yourself
and not what anybody else
put on you,
identity they placed on you

why don't you take a break,
why don't you take a break
you've been

trying so hard to stay
the demons never go away
and you act like you're okay

but you're not okay, are you?
you're not okay, are you?
The trauma stays with you.
thats okay
just slow down

maybe you should take some time
to be with yourself right now
I promise it will all be over soon
every moment
on earth is
fleeting and
every circumstance is not
made like clay you do not mold into it
it is ever changing

even this will not last
slow down
be with yourself right here
in this moment
i love you
eden 6d
one more time
could you just give us a try
and maybe
we could do things differently this time
we could help each other grow
or we could learn new ways to cope

maybe you could
call me baby
run your fingers through my red hair
and let me fall asleep
on your chest again

maybe you want that too
or maybe you don't

I don't know my love
i just know that i miss you
and im not sure if i've got long
the demons are
getting smarter
and finding new ways
to make me sad


so maybe you could come back
just come back
hold me one more time
before I go darling

because I'm not sure if i've got long
be my baby again
just one more time
because i think
the universe was never meant
to have me for more
than sixteen years

i wish i died two summers ago
my first attempt

i really don't know
where i am or why i am here
without you everything is
dull so
please
tell me your lies again

feed them to me
slowly like
its medicine

i miss you baby
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