hmm,
long calendar.
not very many
empty
squares.
The blank ones
are like gasps
of
air
between
deeply held
breaths.

You are busy this year,
I think,
my hands lifting
page after page.
I am
peeking into
the
Void,
overcome,
but
reawakening
with every
little
white
square
moment.

It is a mess.
Planned to the day.
A buzzing swallows
all of the sound around me.
Gooseflesh arms.
Expectation battles with
doubt in the roiling furnace
of my guts.
Too much, too much.

Looking
away,
I hear pages lightly
slap
the wall.
Goodbye long calendar.

I am off to fill the spaces
in my days
the old-fashioned way.

We pray for snow in summer
For the pleasure of cool water on our skin
For the pleasure of being heard by the gods
We pray.

It had been getting late.
Now it was late.
He said, "Don't go. You can do with three hours instead of eight."
I rolled my eyes. "My demeanor would not be great.
And besides," I said. "It's a ten hour tomorrow."
He shrugged with annoyance,
no chance at sorrow.

No hug, and no kiss to bid me goodbye.
But part of me was glad of this,
for, I mean, why?
Why would I get a hug or a kiss
when I am not someone (to him)
who should be sorely missed?

I have never left.
I will never depart.
I live forever there,
with him, in his heart.

"You have heart, girlie," said the lady.
I smiled but I thought,
"Ma'am, my heart is lazy."
I can't make it love
Anymore than I can make it beat,
But I can make it hurt and crack,
Like records on repeat.

I am scared that you have pushed me away;
Deep within yourself, scorned me.
I feel it in the empty space between us,
A hovering buzzing loneliness that grows larger and louder as it feasts on the decay of electric signals we once sent,
I am
Becoming trapped in the vacuum of silence which has followed
Letting the words I think you feel leave me hollowed
And it would be better if I just said,
I don't care,
But it wouldn't be the truth


So there,

So there.

When pushed, I will pull you with me
In whatever direction that might be
If you choose to ignore me,
I will shudder like porous rock in the flow of sudden desert floods.
I will change.
I cannot grow just up.
I must grow out.