Does it feel good to be right about me?
You always thought I hadn’t changed
I bet it feels good to be right about me
You always had such little faith

11 days doesn’t seem that long
But, it **** sure did for me
I knew the day that I gave in
To how I used to be

Would be the day you finally called me
That day that I gave in
I was laying down across his chest
Wrapped in sheets and sin

The moment that I hung up
The silence killed my heart
I cried on the drive, and when I got home
I tore myself apart

I told you about what happened
You deserved the truth
There was silence on the line
Then your voice was small, and blue

“I gotta go,” you told me
And then you hung up the phone
I knew right then and there
I was meant to be alone.

So tell me another beautiful lie
Tell me everything I want to hear
Won't you lay here by my side?
I want to **** away all my fear

-b.d.

****

I don’t think I could ever be hateful. That would require effort and effort is something I just don’t have.
I give enough effort every morning by thanking God for waking me up.
That’s about all I can do.
The rest of my energy is devoted to not thinking about you. ****.
Well I can always try again tomorrow. I could rewrite this poem every day and the words would never change.

1. I feel hateful
2. I change my mind because I’m too tired
3. I try not to think about you
4. I think about you
5. I say I won’t do it again
6. I write a poem about it

You’re so beautiful when you’re praying
I have a memory of me laying
On your chest on a blanket
In a field of grass
Your eyes are closing
And I feel you throwing
Down what’s in your hands
And replacing it with me
Your brow furrows
And I remember burrowing
Into the fabric
Of your flannel shirt
You’re saying “amen”
And there’s pain then
Because the prayer is over
And I have to look away

e.s.

How can I get it across to you delicately that I want you to do all the ***** things to me you never told anyone, not even your Tumblr?
People say “respect your body”
I respect my body. That’s why I’m asking you to destroy it.
I can beg.
Use me to feel like a man.
You can have me any way you want.
Don’t be gentle.
Scratch me and bite me and make me scream
Bruise me and leave marks on my body.
I’ll do anything you want me to do.
Then when you’re done, you can kiss every part of me I let you destroy, put a t-shirt on my body, tuck me in, and sing me a lullaby.

I don't know if this is an appropriate time to say that I miss you what-with all that's going on, but I do. that, and I just wanna stay inside on my sofa all day and curl up into you with movies on regardless of whether or not they're being watched. I wanna eat various foods that may or may not be terrible for our bodies but taste wonderful. I wanna spill **** all over the place and rush to clean it up before my parents notice. i want to look out the windows and notice how small we really are in this monstrous universe, but to me, you're the whole thing. I want to forget that I crave destructive things and replace them with you. I want to breathe your air and inhale the scent - cigarettes and stardust - that I know belongs only to you. I want to sit on the sofa all day with you and stop trying to explain that I love you, and start trying to show you.

e.s.s.

"when your little girl
asks you if she’s pretty
your heart will drop like a wineglass
on the hardwood floor
part of you will want to say
of course you are, don’t ever question it
and the other part
the part that is clawing at
you
will want to grab her by her shoulders
look straight into the wells of
her eyes until they echo back to you
and say
you do not have to be if you don’t want to
it is not your job
both will feel right
one will feel better
she will only understand the first
when she wants to cut her hair off
or wear her brother’s clothes
you will feel the words in your
mouth like marbles
you do not have to be pretty if you don’t want to
it is not your job"

"Do not fall in love with people like me.
I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people."

a poem for you:

roses aren't red
and violets aren't blue
when my entire body
isn't pressed into you


sugar's not sweet
flowers don't grow
what was beautiful crumbles
like an avalanche of snow

birds cry to heaven
to a sky that is black
the clouds full of thunder
rain pounds at my back

I look out the window
at the tortured pained sky
and compare its expression
to how I feel inside

the sun does not shine
the trees do not sway
the cards are not dealt
and no games are played

though dramatic and
blown far out of proportion
I exaggerate in order
to reveal my emotions

roses are still red
violets are still blue
but this is my thinking
in the absence of you


though primitive my wording
and such a sad theme
the meaning is simple:
without you, there's no me

e.s.s.

my surface area cannot be calculated with any sort of formula, for I checked and there is no equation for scar tissue.

(e.s.s.)

I once met a boy who put his hand on my thigh as he asked for my name. and upon learning it, pressed his lips to mine. naive and foolish, I believed this to be what the people called "love." and I went willingly.

I once met a boy who told me he loved me the day he met me. he swore it was true. realizing that this must be what the people called "love"
I went willingly

I once met a boy who sang songs out of tune and danced with me in the rain. he played music with dandelion fingers. I was awe-struck. disregarding future pain, I closed my eyes and the door.
and I went willingly.

I once met a boy with broken hands who smelled of cigarettes and regret. he plucked his guitar strings and I imagined them to be straps and ties of my clothing. with each note he played, more of my skin touched the cold air. by the end of his song, I'd written this poem.

(e.s.s.)

The moment I realized I would love you forever, I cried. I wasn't sad and I was not crying tears of joy. I was, however, confused. This was something I have never read about or seen in movies. After the fact, I was ponderous of why I had been succumb to such a state. Why do we cry in the first place. It doesn't provide anything physically helpful to the body. In fact, I felt rather weak and vulnerable. It is in this state that we are most receptive. Our bodies are weakened so that we have no choice but to appreciate life's most beautiful moments...I have come to the conclusion that I must be beautifully in love with you. I will not ever wish to change that.

"Darling,

How is it possible that I could still be loving you more. I just received your letter. I have never met a person that could put pen on paper and nearly bring me to tears...so you must be an angel.

This is one of those times when I have no idea what to say or even if I should say anything at all. I just know that as far as I can remember, I have had a problem with receiving love. I can give it just fine, but never receive it, and while I was reading your letters I found myself fighting back tears for some reason. For the first time I feel redamancy.

and if I were there with you I would kiss you right now and my kiss is different every time because I fall deeper in love with you everyday and there's a difference between a kiss and a kiss between two people that truly love each other.

Often I find that I am digging myself deeper and deeper into this love and I fear that I might not be able to climb out, but upon this bittersweet realization...I begin to dig again, this time with a smile on my face, and pray that there will never be a bottom."

I pondered, as time chose to saver the moment and slowed to a halt to allow life to begin, 'All those who perished out of her life before baring witness to her blooming should count themselves cursed that they should have lived at all…'' A moment of incoherence was followed by an increasingly beating heart, and with it, life…or had it ever beat before…there was no way to tell as was there no way of knowing if my thoughts were my own, for if she has cast an evil spell on me…such was the only believable explanation, for everything I had ever known was somehow shut away and I found that the only possible thing to do, indeed the purpose of life itself, was to be with her…her power is not evil, but it is overbearing. 'What was the probability that a man should cast gaze upon her and realize that his search was at long last over?!… Oh!, should the sun ever die and I lose the gift of her face, I should trace her body to the finest point…but her soul would never allow for darkness as it shines….It is surely not the confines of my dreams that as she closes her eyes to sleep, she lights the room…as she has illuminated my pitiful existence that may not be so pitiful after all…
~when I first saw you my love

and the universe said I love you
and the universe said you have played life's game well
and the universe said everything you need is within you
and the universe said you are stronger than you know
and the universe said you are the daylight
and the universe said you are the night
and the universe said the darkness you fight is within you
and the universe said the light you seek is within you
and the universe said you are not alone
and the universe said you are not separate from every other thing
and the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading it's own code
and the universe said I love you because you are love

lately its been raining off and on very suddenly. I wish you would come to me as often os the rain

I would take all of you in with all of me in every way I could muster. and when I was drained of every existing measure with which to take you in, I would press on until you were embedded in my skin. my scars were replaced with your kisses and the blades with your fingertips.

Love is complex and very simple. It has many depths and levels that one could call themselves in love at. And, passion is not the same as love. Passion is an intense emotion that produces actions that are selfless and at the peak of our emotional capability. Passion can make you act irrationally and cause you to lose yourself in a world with tunnel vision directed at a lover where all you can see and all that matters is her. You asked me if I've ever been in love before and I said yes. well, I'm passionately in love with you. thats it.

love is powerful and dangerous. it can mean a million worlds, as easily as it can terrify. some people are terrified to express love, in fear of rejection. or sometimes, they're just worried they fell too fast. for some people, waiting is the only logical option. be casual and shallower until their lover reveals his consensual feelings. then, sometimes, just sometimes, she lets loose and says things that would scare most people away. then again, he is not most people.
it started with your slow smile as i stood on my toes and closed my eyes to kiss you
then i noticed your walk and your hands and their harsh angles
angles that softened when they traced my face
angles which softened even more when they mapped the curves of my body
hands which i came beautifully familiar with
almost as if they were meant to melt into me
i began to notice how you laugh with your entire self
your eyes smile with your lips
your entire body goes limp and loses its composure
and you laugh
i noticed your grace
i noticed the willingness in your smile and your posture
how you meant it with every fiber when you said "yeah"
and that breathtaking smoulder
you are every variation of the word "magnificent" in existence
and it was so easy
falling in love with you was like falling into your grasp
your warm embrace
embrace: to hold tightly in one's arms
you are correct when you say that love and passion are different
they are like night and day
yet they are so easily confused
i am one of the few whose eyes are unveiled in the reality of the world
i see all its impurities and marvels
i see the truths
i am able to identify passion and love and infatuation and lust
i am able to recognize the razor thin lining
i know with all of me that for you, i feel both
passion and love
and among earth's imperfections and wonders,
you, my love, are the greatest wonder of all

He: now, its dark and the rain is light. It's chilly, but the cabin warms your face. I wish you were here to hold and speak softly to until we both fell asleep and woke in the early morning to each other

I: it wouldn't be chilly if I could replace the warmth of the cabin with my whole self. the moonlight which bathes the raindrop- splattered grass would be dulled in comparison to your eyes. your eyes putting the Alabama stars to shame. I too wish I was there, darling; to whisper sweet nothings to you as you drift away from me. sleeping beautifully in my arms at night, and waking more beautifully still

an ocean of grass
billowing around you
parting for you
granting your pass

you are an angel
bathed in sunlight
golden with starlight
breathtakingly graceful

i am just gazing
my heart pounding hard
broken and scarred
nervous and waiting

but you shun the evil
you tame the lightning
so beautiful and frightening
paling all other people

now i am whole
walls down for you
guard down for you
your electric soul

staring
staring out
staring out at
staring out at the
staring out at the night
staring out at the night wishing
staring out at the night wishing i
staring out at the night wishing i was
staring out at the night wishing i was dead
staring out at the night wishing i was dead so
staring out at the night wishing i was dead so i
staring out at the night wishing i was dead so i couldn't
staring out at the night wishing i was dead so i couldn't die
staring out at the night wishing i was dead so i couldn't die anymore.

e.s.s.

how did i get so lost?
i touched the end.
just a moment longer.
but they tempted me.
they tempted me so.
in the warm water, i lost myself.
my mind fled with my strength
and left me alone with her.
the robotic soulless *******.
the urges.
the pain.
i thought i banished the past
the painful past haunting every corner of my anatomy
but i did not.
i could not.
no man could forget.
no angel could overcome
the broken insides
and the crushed souls
fluttering desperately in my rib cage
they cannot escape.
and neither could i

e.s.s.

i can't seem to float anymore
i'm drowning
and i can see everyone around me carrying on
laughing and hugging
being happy
is this hell?
where i'm forced to watch life
while i die again and again
i want to **** myself
so i can die no more.

e.s.s.

time and time again i've tried to burn you off of my skin
to cut you out of my heart
but you are carved much too deep into my being, into my soul.
may my soul marry yours?
so long after we have disintegrated
and withered into dust
and all the color is gone
and all we are is black nothingness.
when the light has faded
and we have welcomed the dark
our hands are broken
and our hearts are cold
when our flesh has fallen off our bones
and fed the earth
our love won't have died.
it will have lived past our worldly bodies
so we may find eachother
again and again
our time together won't ever be enough.

e.s.s.

i lost you in the hallways
groping hands reaching for me
singing psalms of the devil
punishing me
i welcome it
go into the dark
one footstep echoes like a hundred in my ears
louder than my heart
softer than my breathing
corrupt lungs on fire
i run from the demons
my demons
the walls are dripping
blood and tears and all things captivating and corroding
blue and euphoric
is hell my sanctuary?
home is the chest of a devil
a devil in my head
the voices screaming
don't go
i leave and pay no heed
warnings growing fainter
and fainter
the dark angel welcomes me
my dark angel
my eyes glaze over and my blood runs cold
the sky is falling
falling on me
my eyes and mind are so far gone
i forgot to say goodbye
what a wonderful thing
how many ways could i possibly show you
that i'm sorry?

e.s.s.

moon beams reach out to me and caress my cheek
as a mother does her child
only that child is dead
gone and going.
the wind sweeping her away piece by piece.
if i could speak i would cry out
how wrong i was
how important you were to me
but the love wasn't worth the pain
i was drowning in my own mind
grasping desperately at nothing until even
the nothing fades
alone and dark
my ribs were cracking louder than abandoned children's screams
abandonment from myself
cold and lonely
but you were ever so beautiful
it wasn't enough and it never will be
cold hands reach for mine again
and i leave into the sky
if my eyes could speak they would say i'm sorry
for not being strong enough
for taking the easy way out
walls are melting and i am drifting
further and further away from the grass
and the trees and your lovely fingertips
my lips form your name in the same shape as "i love you."
don't forget me
i'll be your angel, and you can be mine
my angel on the ground
darling, it wasn't you who wasn't enough.
e.s.s.

why are we so obsessed with beautiful things?
why can't a girl not have perfect hair and perfect skin and still be loved?
why do we give people ratings and judgements?
why do we expect a man to love a woman and a woman to love a man?
who are we but monsters
creating people in our heads
and turning our backs when not everyone
meets those standards?
why can't we just accept that
each of us is different
and not each of us is beautiful
not by society's ideals.
why can't we have one love
and remember that we all live
under one moon and one sun
and the same stars
and have the same hearts?

If i could write myself away, i'd be gone.
Your words soak into my hands and wrinkle them like an hour in bath water.
I want to tattoo you in every secret place on my broken body an cover my scars with you.
You are more and more beautiful each time i hear your footsteps walking and leaving prints on every surface of my insides.
You are where i belong.
If love was measured in time, you would destroy the second hand, minute hand, hour hand. the fabric of the universe would come undone. the future would be the past, and the present would not exist. there would be no ends and no beginnings. time would stop for you.
I want to be your pillow. so close to your closed eyes and free mind. i want to be your sheets wrapping around your body and curving to every space and framing you like a second skin.
You are the ocean and i am a grain of sand.
Dancing with you is like flying through a black hole all while drowning in rose petals.
Our song is the sound of the night air.
Radiance found a new name, and that name is yours and mine as one.
Your scent and touch and taste and sound and beauty are better than any drug and intoxicate me far beyond even the strongest.
You are life and enchantment and all his friends.
You are love.

e.s.s.

if i could touch you from a distance
there wouldn't be a single seconde
that you wouldn't feel my fingers
tracing the outlines of your lips
and running across your collarbones
and down your shouldres
until ours met and laced
togethre in a soft dance.
if i coulde send you heart messages
through the dust in the aire
my voice would be the only thing
you could ever heare in your head
repeating over and over in a solid
tone "you are wonderful, darling"
untill you coulde think of nothing
if my knees would stay stronge
i woulde run to you
and when they broke
i woulde drag my body to you
and be every sin you coulde ever imagine
and commit every single one at your feet
untill you took mercy on me
and brought me into your arms.
if i could finally get the
right words out of my mouth
my tongue would curl into
my throate for your name is
all i could say over and over and over
untill it consumed my braine
and there was nothing left
but my love for you.

e.s.s.

the mascara streaks hidden
in closed bathroome doors
the paine of a past
and a future no more.
she cries in her pillow
and screams in her head
a million bloodstains
coating her bed.
the sheets are soiled
from meaningless nights.
trying to banish
the holes in her life.
she's fine on the outside
but deepe from within
she's far gone already.
her mask wearing thin.
the scars and bruises
that cover her skin
mark the battles
that she couldn't win.

e.s.s.

a thousand colours
and leaves of grass
i realise i am
alive and well.
i am breathing
polluted aire.
inhaling deeply
every impurity
and welcoming death.

e.s.s.

you are closed eyes
and open arms.

e.s.s.

your fingers are the key
to the padlocke on
my soul and my body.
i am stripped and
barren in front of you
and all i want is
your everything.

e.s.s.

in a broken thought.
a space in your brainwaves
skipping beats of your heart
remembre those nights
when we were wilde.
remembre the grass
and the night clouds
glowing in our eyes.
when we were reckless.
when we would run in
a field of melting daisies.
alone at last.
alive at last.

e.s.s.