Looking back, it was such a dark autumn.
I couldn’t fight the voices in my head,
thinking that, I wouldn’t breathe without him,
so I held on to a dying thread.

But in this new city, my eyes see the sky differently,
& I can remember the hand that kept me from drowning.
To sum it all up, we will never truly understand His love,
but looking back, I know, He kept me close enough.

6.11.21

Way too often I look for justification of everyone’s actions in every situation, believing that evil has its own limitations and every tired soul is looking for salvation.

I’m not changing.

9.8.19

It was my fault that I was sitting all alone and you needed a moment to make yourself feel grown.
Maybe if I hadn’t looked so defenseless you would have been able to control your rudeness.
It was my fault that you pushed every button down my spine and because I didn’t fight back, you didn’t have a reason to change your mind.
All of those lessons from your youth- you started to forget because it was my fault that I made myself your target.

9.8.19

Back to reality
where we’ve been waiting in different capacities
for a safe place to run to-
who knew that mine would be you?

Back roads sprinkled with hope;
heart-shaped raspberry smoke.
First sips of cupcake moscato,
not wishing for tomorrow.

So I’ll leave my hair on your jacket,
take a piece of me back to Kansas
and please remember me
like the night when I was set free.

And you’ll leave your mark on my skin.
I won’t even start to pretend
that I don’t smile at the memory
of the night when I was set free.

05.13.19

Our hearts connect by poetry;
you've read the best and worst from me.
Watched naïve intentions as they've grown
into peaceful chemistry.

Then ruined by anxiety;
the beast and its variety,
when left all alone,
interrupted all that was promising.

Now hours start to feel like days
as I watch my safe place burst into flames.
I can't save us on my own
so I start to pray.

02.12.19

full moon nights; October storms,
bodies connected in innocent form.
if I could go back, freeze time in its tracks:
I’d always be yours.

02.12.19

The wind is picking up again;
we're in the middle of a hurricane
and it's easier to build a wall and defend
ourselves at the first sign of pain

but you put me on the fence,
forcing me to choose,
not what makes sense
but what I'm afraid to lose.

Hand in hand,
interlaced,
your sweet neck
hides my face.
This is where
I feel safe.

02.09.19

call me a fool, but I truly believe
that if I do not pour every drop
of emotion from my being
into the dirt of this world then
I will never know if any thing
was meant to grow.

there are hidden, thirsty
seeds between the blades
of grass begging for what
I shared with those already
bloomed.

dear Father, now I see.

02.04.19

box up your good intentions, wrap & place beneath the tree.
although I see the tag, I’ll still ask if they’re for me.
I don’t want it to be this way,
often wondering if we’re okay,
but I can’t let myself fall victim to how things used to be.

you're this patient, painted portrait & if there’s any thing you know
it’s that this world will crash by moving fast, which is why you take it slow.
well you can thank all the dudes before ya
who helped create this paranoia
that interest doesn’t truly exist unless the public gets a show.

so I’ll write my past out to you with my heart on the last line.
I’ve blossomed from that darkness yet I’m still afraid to shine.
I’m not trying to be complicated,
but the way I’m easily captivated
leaves room for me to see the truth & still be completely blind.

12.11.18

your scent is my perfume,
trapped inside my room.
I’m intoxicated for the first time,
won’t sober up any time soon.

no complaints.

12.05.18

I’ve danced with fire too many times,
these scars mirror the different lines
I’ve crossed when I should stayed on my side.

You’ve been burned, too, I can see
your flames flicker brilliantly.
There are some things your brown eyes can’t hide.

Soon our steps will get in sync.
We will start to know more than we think,
feel more confident with embers than our pride.

Soon the walls will disappear
along with every spark of potential fear;
charred marks decorate memories, unsatisfied

by the hope that soon magnified.

11.23.18

How wonderful it is to find arms in which you belong!
Could my fears be self made by the world and he also finds home in my embrace?

11.08.18

You highlight every imperfection
and take away my individuality,
but if I’m so replaceable then,
Darlin, let me pack my bags and leave.

You were my rock, my favorite lesson,
you became part of my identity,
but life has more to offer me than
your name and false stability.

Even when I meet your expectations,
you find shame in my abilities,
as if I served you with hesitation,
in a cause that I no longer believe.

Your damage will one day turn to blessing,
despite the negativity,
that overpowers a positive message
that almost became a part of me.

11.03.18

you came back home after the storm
to a broken town with your dreams restored,
yet I crave you in your purest form-
those brown eyes could keep a frozen heart warm.

the stories are all on replay
as we remember life back in the day.
it was never meant for either of us to stay,
but I prefer our paths crossed in His own way.

our past is written all over our skin.
a delicate map- where do we begin?
you're a beautiful adventure; I'd get lost again
in perfect moonlight, just to see where you have been.

10.21.18

My heart & my thoughts are so heavy,
deep down I know that I’m not ready;
I’ve healed so much- come so far
& my world finally feels steady.

But you’re the image of protection,
your guarded scars appear in your reflection;
you’ve felt too much- built who you are
& it inspires this connection.

Keep riding in and out of my dreams
like the hero I never wanted to need;
I’ve written too much- stuck like the cigar
on your lips as you read.

I’m a secret that’s been freed.

10.16.18

I see you take your time, and I don't blame you-
there's danger out here everywhere.
Your eyes meet mine and I come to
see the truth in every dare.

It's not easy on the outside, but you know I'd take you in,
treat you like you're mine and let a new cycle begin,
because you deserve to know someone who won't let go,

and I crave showing affection.

10.13.18

I'm not looking for a fight, even though I could,
but would doing what is right even do me any good?
Whether I was the beginning or the end, my curiosity
will only fuel your continuation to defend monstrosity

after all of these years.

I chose to be quiet; I wanted time to be my nurse,
but I'm still unsure why it developed into my curse.
I've accepted who I am; I'm not what you created,
although I may never understand why I hesitated,

because now speaking up is easy.

I'm part of an army of those who have felt *****;
cleansed by a Savior and proven worthy.
I'm not seven years old and naive,
like those around you who refuse to believe

that molestation: your past and your disease

your haunting ghost every time you think of me.
you're undiagnosed and walking around so free
but there's more than the surface with you.
you're out in the open now....

me too.

(DS)

9.29.18

hunt me, find me, hiding in the dark,
then lift me, and rip me and my old life apart.
I'm not sure what I'm feeling
or what You're revealing,
but I want to do it Your way this time.

cleanse me, defend me, shame fills an empty past,
then mold me, while you hold me as if I've never asked.
I'm not sure what I'm doing
or how it's me You're choosing,
but I want to do it Your way this time.

<3

9.29.18

I was sitting here listening to the rain,
like a broken record, the same ole same.
My life's on repeat and there's no one to blame
but me.

Innocently, you come walking through the door,
it's an occasional tactic, you've done it before.
Speaking happily that God has so much in store
for me.

Like an old hidden letter you take me back,
reminding me that it hasn't always been that bad.
If there was ever a shining melody lost in my past,
it'd be you.

They say to hold onto the moments that give you joy,
and then there's the way you played that cello, Boy.
The tune in my head that I'll never fully destroy-
it's you.

Thank you.

7.29.18

It's pretty hard at twenty-seven
to dust yourself off and try again.
The game never sets you up to win
and all the players have the wrong intentions.

We can sit here and play pretend
while there's nothing yet to defend
or we can leave this diner and dive in;
hopeful blue eyes, so genuine.

Don't fear unspoken words when
they're supported by action
but then reality always settles in
before we get to the end-
before we get to begin-
I feel trapped in my own skin
as I travel back to where I have always been:
to darkness that makes any sign of light look genuine.

7.23.18

No shining lights like I've been told,
but I felt so warm in a room so cold;
time was still, my heart was sold
to the beautiful, traveling skeptic.

Your eyes wrote stories of my thoughts,
the dreams, the nightmares, that I both bought;
stolen faith, you easily caught,
as if you were meant to own it.

I may paint the future in naive,
too promising for anyone to believe;
for a complete moment, you and me,
we drowned in a puddle of magic.

7.17.18

Brick walls, back to back,
build them higher, that's how we react
to the darkness on the outside.
We make it harder for others to climb.

Cement that's survived our past
has made our fortresses fit to last
while we hide away on the inside.
We make it difficult for hope to find.

Through the gaps I hear your curiosity
as I read you a chapter from my story.
You read to me a line or two
and suddenly I believe in you....

7.15.18

I keep my raincoat in the backseat, even during the sunshine
because I never know when the sky may change his mind.
I anticipate the muddy days at the most inconvenient times,
but preparation can still make you feel like you were blind.

I run back inside at the first cloud that creeps across the sky,
and if the rain wasn't so loud right now then I'd tell you why.
I've experienced my fair share of hurricanes and even though I've survived,
the winds ripped off the walls around my life.

The sound of your thunder struck me with wonder
and this thickness of mist that I'm now under....

You've got those blue eyes, Darlin, you're my rainstorm,
and you've got the smile that makes a cold heart feel warm.
I left a melted mess by your front door,
but you needed to be warned,
and I needed you to see me through this rainstorm.

7.4.18

& for a moment, in your eyes, I feel flawless,
as if you see my heart & not where I've been,
as if you've read my soul's secret letters,
her many attempts to make amends.

& for a second, in your voice, I hear hope,
as if the monsters have left me alone,
as if they've approved of my late redemption,
& have finally let me come back home.

darker days- we have all been apart of,
& His light always finds a way to break through,
sunshine after rain, relief after pain,
& you.

7.3.18

An unplanned and unexpected kiss
reminded me how much I miss
simplicity with a hint of risk.

Arms that felt overly well known
brought me to a temporary home
where my thoughts won't have to be alone.

Your smile and well versed eyes
made up for all of the many tries
that left me broken in disguise.

These days can stay or disappear,
warrant faith or sink with fear,
and yet, I'm still right here.

6.23.18

never planted; rarely picked.
wherever the wind sends us,
we grow.

6.21.18

You're sitting next to a mess in the front seat of your truck,
and Honey, I must confess, I'm not the best when it comes to luck.
I've got a long list of attempts to make romance into common sense-
to the point where I've almost given up-
and what's left is the mess in the front seat of your truck.

You're staying up late with a straight shooter at conversation,
and Darlin', the date won't indicate the rest of our situation.
I'm a dreamer by trade but you don't know how many times I've prayed-
out of fear and frustration-
and this creates all of the late night intimate conversation.

You're reading the lines of the one who shines through hurricanes,
and Babe, all the signs don't define another chance of rain.
Every uncontrolled endeavor to put something solid together-
I've learned not to complain-
because it designed the kind who shines through hurricanes.

You're sitting next to a mess who feels fearless in the front seat of your truck....

6.3.18

I woke up in a sickened gaze,
worn out from an emotional maze,
built by the woman that I used to be.
I've ran these circles time again,
back before I knew just when
it was safe, not to wait, but jump free.

The mind- it likes to encase
its victims in a crowded place,
where giving in is way too easy.
But we belong in the openness,
unconfined from all of our created stress.
Let's end this war; call this our treaty.

I'm sorry.

5.31.18

Let's be honest; you're my first sip since my rehabilitation.
I'm not at my strongest, but I'll try to keep a hold of the situation.
I'm not attempting to race forward but I surely cannot go back
to a town that leaves you cornered when the world's under attack.

Let's be fair; I’m hopeful at the thought of emotional redemption,
but I’m unprepared and too preoccupied with keeping your attention.
You feel so different but all I know is that fear looks all the same
when you’re chosen first but then left out because you’ve never really played the game.

Let's be real; you're beautiful and an unexpected surprise
who cut a deal with the Fragile without the clever use of lies.
But I’ll second guess it all because that’s my only reliable defense:
connecting dots, tracing lines, until the truth mirrors uncommon sense.

Let’s be true; we’ve all had a dance or two with catastrophe,
but I haven’t a clue what to do with these walls that live around me.
I’m not a sparkling first impression but I value openness,
and if you can see the worst of me then you can understand what's left.

I was never looking for a hero.

5.26.17

Lost in the desert; who knew that I would find
a place to take shelter, the most beautiful waste of time
to put me back together, to free me from an inescapable past.

Now I know better; I've learned the hard way
that perfect weather can disappear within a day,
and added pressure can make anything secure crack.

But these little lessons never seem to compare
to the sudden emptiness that comes out of no where,
to the shifts in solid ground, to the shadows that are left behind.

These distant memories never intend to replace
the deep conversations and laughs that we had face to face,
our interlaced fingers, your leg pressed next to mine,

and time.

3.23.17

Normally- I'd call you a bad name
and step outside of myself so you'd understand my pain
and know how it felt to not be the chosen one.
Historically- I don't know how to deal;
I get emotional so you'll know how I feel,
then I lose control and let go of what's already gone.

But I don't wish bad things on you.
I pray she finds the light in your dark eyes like I do,
and that she looks to you like her better half.
I hope she keeps your heart safe,
and she realizes there's no one else like you in this place,
and her feet fall in step at the sound of your laugh.

You deserve happiness, I confessed this day one
when we were two sets of brokenness on the run
from a fear of getting too near; potential tragedy.
Then time left our side; it didn't align,
but if you ever turn back and hope to find
a faith time couldn't replace, please remember me.

12.31.16

I've got an open heart and a ***** mind,
a broken past so it'll take some time
to get used to that simple line
that everything is gonna be just fine.
You've got a healing smile and a shining dream,
a closed demeanor, but I believe
that the best kind of free
is when you dance with vulnerability-
around, in the light, of your eyes....

I've got racing thoughts and you speak in tongues;
we dodge the truth like we're still young.
You never know where I'm coming from,
and I can't tell if you'll stay or if you'll run.
Then those moments when you look at me,
and I feel my world start to freeze;
if I could control anything
I'd disappear to reality
with you, and the light, in your eyes....

Cause we've all got a piece of the disaster that visits us at night,
prepares us to fight- for something beautiful.
And even if I could run faster, I'd still hang on tight,
just incase I might- find something beautiful-
like you, and the light, in your eyes....

12.07.16

(this.is.not.a.song.just.a.poem.with.a.chorus.)

Face the truth, Girl; accept reality.
Yeah, you were nothing, but only to a nobody.
You took every blow and kept your head held high,
but this chapter’s over; don’t focus on the why.

Just find a fresh page; grab a new pen.
Rewrite the sky of the town that you’re in.
Cue the music; you’re the new heroine.
Cause this is not permanent.
No- it’s not permanent.

Escape your prison, Girl, but use your own key.
Yeah, you were trapped but only temporarily.
You built your own walls; now take your precious time,
to watch your tears fall and all of your priorities realign.

Then grab a new canvas; find a fresh brush.
Repaint the smile of the woman that you used to love.
Choose new lyrics; you’re your own heroine.
Cause this is not permanent.
No- it’s not permanent.

Clear eyes always see the world differently.
Broken hearts never piece together perfectly.
My advice, no disguise, no secret:
the pain’s not permanent.

Go on and find a fresh page; grab a new pen.
Rewrite the sky of the town that you’re in.
Then grab a new canvas; find a fresh brush.
Repaint the smile of the woman that you used to love.
Choose new lyrics; you’re your own heroine.
Cause this is not permanent.
No- it’s not permanent.

11.22.16

every time I grow ashamed of who I am,
I try to fall in love again.
as if a new beginning with a matching face
could erase all the pain from my past.

11.7.15

here's a confession-
words hidden deep behind a facade of depression:

you can't save me.

but here's a clue-
incase you feel obligated from what you put me through:

you can't play God with everyone's feelings.

10.4.15

you watch me like a flame.
closely; so intensely I forget my shame.
you bring me out of myself and into the light,
but I run from your dark spots, prepared for a fight.  

cause in reality, you're not an angel,
and I'm not the messenger that I want to be.
in actuality, this is more painful,
a little more sinful than I used to be.

it's like I'm hiding from myself, so unsure
of what I'm feeling; I can't breathe anymore.
let the pressure build me up and my conscience weigh me down-
I'm crashing.

10.4.15

keep swinging, Love.
your left hook may bruise me, but your jabs keep me alive.

in the wee hours of: 4.27.15

I always wash my sheets clean of you, then beg for you to sleep over.

4.15.15

you could build a castle with all of my broken pieces,
for you are a king and I am nothing but a peasant
drunk on the thought of being your queen.

4.7.15

All we will ever be are two lonely souls dancing across the room from each other.

3.31.15

broken pieces & promises.
visible weaknesses & vulnerability.
bruises & feelings of uselessness.
last night I ran into the old me.

she told me to run; she told me to fly
out of this hole that's become my life,
but I shook my head
and all that I said was "he needs me."

how silly can she be?

3.28.15

I don't feel ***** at all.
I feel as if our sweat washed away all of the grunge of this world off of my skin and into these sheets.
Never again to leave me feeling tainted but saved by affection.

10.7.14