How much different would things be
if you read my words
knowing they're about you?

I sleep in a bed of lies
layer by layer
each word spoken with a sweet smile
creates more cushion

I rest next to exaggerations
they keep good company
of hyperbole and hubris
always with the kindest eyes

Your perfume lingers for days
trapped in my duvet of little fictions
because it is the only truth
you ever give to me.

I'm scared
I'm terrified
Petrified.
It's such a constant
           feeling
                        now

Never in my life
      have I felt
      consumed by a
      feeling

My heart beats
      with fear

Each thud
Each dud
       dread.

Quietly it goes
       pumping this
       pain throughout
       my bones.

I am scared.

I am the rain
beating down
relentlessly
until the overflow.
Spilling out
drowning anything
and everything
that is calm.
With the rain
darkness lingers
resisting  
to be scattered.
Though the rain
is eager give up
the darkness is
endless.
I am the rain
and only the sun
can break up
these showers.

Lock me up and throw away the key.
I was caught red-handed,
or more precise would be
red-lipped.

The crime was one of passion.
A trial? No need.
I was caught stealing kisses
from you between the sheets.

I'm repeating
in my head
                              I'm sorry
because
I don't believe  
I said it enough to you.

Ask me to recite any theory,
I will divulge all my knowledge.
Teach me a new equation,
I will memorize it by tomorrow.
But I never learn.

Brush your hand across my back
Croon my name
Search my eyes
Tease me with your smile
And I never learn.

Ask me to reveal a secret,
I will never allow you this one.
Teach me not to love you,
I will forget it in a minute
Because I never learn.

Pull me into your embrace
Whisper in my ear
Stroke my neck
Tangle your fingers in my hair
Yet I still never learn.

I will never learn to decipher
my vivid day dreams
from the drab reality of not having you.

I don't know what I did to make you so bitter, but it must have been worse than caring for you.

It must have been worse than putting you before anyone else,

It must have been worse than all those kind words I shared with you.

It must have been worse than kissing away your tears,
      When you thought that dark feeling inside you would never go away.

It must have been worse than trying to make you smile,  

Or telling you that your smile makes me smile.

It had to have been worse than caressing your face in the morning because
                 I loved you.

It must have been worse than all the times I was the big spoon.

It must have really been when your happiness was more important to me than my own.

I would start with your hands.
Mine would dance with yours;
our fingers waltzing together.

Then they would become curious,
I know so.
My hands would glide up your arm
leaving a trail of goose bumps behind.

I don't know where your hands have gone,
but mine have reached the top of your shoulder.
My fingers can't resist
tracing your collar bone.

Your hands find mine.
I think they got lost
in the escalation of my own.
But they're together now.

Taking a hint from yours,
my hands reach to your chin --
only breaking contact
for a second.

My fingers have tilted your chin,
so our eyes can do a similar dance
to the one our hands have completed.

Hands are the utilitarian laborers
of the body,
but eyes guard the gates
to the soul.

My eyes search your own.
They are hesitant, but
my hands are always reliable.

They pull you into me
and at the last second
before our eyes close,
and our lips meet,
my eyes find what they knew was there.

My heart has never been one piece;

I’ve left bits in places and people

for safekeeping or declaration.

So you didn’t break it.

You never even had the chance. 

But don’t think for once second —

it didn’t hurt when you tore 
a piece too big for yourself 
and left my ****** heart half out my chest

Please,
put your hand in mine
and trust that I'll never let go.
Pull your hand away
and mine will remain,
palm upward and open.
When you return,
I'll hold just as tight.
If not,
tighter.

I'm growing a rose bush.
It needs tending everyday.
The task isn't easy,
But the flowers will be worth it.

Your smile starts the budding.
Laughter makes them blossom.
Thorns are only present
Because my love is unrequited.

My rosebush has lavender petals.
I'll make you a boquet.
You planted this bulb within me,
Because "love at first sight" is the color's meaning.

I stare at the water
eyes as wide as the oceans themselves --

Each set of waves entices me
like a lover reaching out her hand
beckoning from underneath
the crisp white duvet cover
to join her.

Come to me and let go.
Come to me and forget.

She is warm
and I feel safe in her presence
though I should feel
a numbing chill
deep in my chest.

Come to me and let go
Come to me and forget.

I reach for her hand
but instead am swept into a
quick
cold
kiss.

The water had stared back at me
ready to engulf this doe-eyed romantic

In a moment far from reverie
I wondered
will the thought of you save me
or push me over the edge?

Falling asleep has never been easy for me.
I overthink.
I toss
And I turn.

Most nights,
I wake up in a panic
at 2 a.m.
Sweating.

But not last night.

I fell asleep in your arms.
Nothing to worry about.
I was safe
And secure.

Last night,
I slept until the sun
was in the middle of the sky.
And so did you.

I have dozens of notebooks,  
Filled with thousands of words,
All about one person.

You had no idea
that when you slid
your hand in my pocket
you destroyed any control
I had to resist you.
Or did you?