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  Jan 2020 Erika
Alex Smith
My mistake
Was loving you too hard.
My regret
Was never telling you
That I needed love back.
Erika Jan 2020
I was in love once. Or at least I think it was love. It was that gut wrenching wait up til 2am just hoping she’ll drunk call so you could hear her voice love.
The kind that you hold onto for dear life even though you know the expiration date is way past it’s point but the thought of getting sick from it is your farthest thought.
That maybe if you don’t look and you close your eyes it’ll still taste good.
It’ll still smell good.
But **** it’s spoiled milk and it’s rotting.
You need to throw it away.
Take out the trash so the whole house won’t smell.
I always ****** at cleaning out the fridge anyway.
Was that my life at some point?
One refrigerator filled with the many expired things that I was too lazy to throw out because it was too much work.
Too much work to let go because you didn’t want to face the truth.
Is that what love is?
Or is love just what you make of it.
It can be something light and pure or rough and disgusting.
I feel like I can still smell it.
A smell that can’t go away of a rotting relationship that always was meant to end because we were temporary.
We aren’t real and we definitely weren’t a non perishable that would whether the storm or the hurricane, not even a nuclear bomb.
No matter how thick the doors were we were meant to tumble.
Is that love?
Risking the possibility that no matter how many barricades you build or how much food you stock you are doomed to starve to death or die from explosion.
Love can be spoiled milk.
Fresh and sweet even though you know that eventually it’ll turn bitter and gross.
You buy it anyway.
You put it in your cart,
you keep shopping,
you walk out the store and you put away the groceries.
Hoping that you don’t let it all go to waste even though milk wasn’t even on your grocery list. Love is like Target.
You go in for one thing and you come out with a million.
You don’t need most if not half of those things but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t fill the void of want because those little things are bringing you joy just for this one second as you unload the over abundance of bags into the trunk of your car.
You only went for one thing you tell yourself. You shame yourself.
Never to go back but yet you return over and over again.
Love is intense.
Love is real.
Love is sometimes infinite and sometimes not. Love can be spoiled milk.
Erika Jan 2020
Rut
Stuck in a Rut
Get you out of that Rut
A habit that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change
Dull
Which could be taken as boring
Unproductive
Which could be taken as lazy
Habit
Which could be taken as you believing I have a choice
Hard to Change
The way people see me.
So yes Rut
You’re stuck in a Rut
Lets get you out of that Rut
Erika Nov 2018
I'm terrified of the where.
of the how
of the when
and of the why
I feel like all the breath in my lungs is only there for a moment
i cant wrap my brain around the idea of rejection
job rejection
life rejection
love rejection
i love rejection
or as some would think
i just feel like I have the worst luck in the world which is a horrible thing to imagine because i know, i promise i know that there are people out there who dont have a roof over there head or a support system
support systems are great
support systems are suffocating
push me around and tell me that i failed
tell me that i ****** up
tell me that im not actually the great intelligent person that you keep
making me out to be.
that is me
that is me
but maybe in another life
another century
another world
another being
any other day my mood would be high and i would be filled with
young hope
young feelings
young thoughts
young words that fill my brain with positivity and possibilities
possibilities that are endless
endless failures come with those possibilities
unfortunately
unfortunately i am stuck
I am stuck within myself
full potential is reached not by the support of others
but by the support that your soul gives unto you
unto you is your soul that screams for you to do better
be better
be smarter
no wait thats your brain
right?
does the soul control the thoughts of the brain?
or is the brain the enemy in all this
the logistics are complicated but the soul shouldnt be
right?
RIGHT?
REJECTION *****
REJECTION HURTS
REJECTIONS IS GROWTH
but when does the plant grow if there isnt sunlight
water
love
im not saying that im not loved
i am very loved by many
but is it enough
when your brain tells you it isnt
success is everything
money is everything
power is everything
right?
RIGHT?
but what do I know.
I'm just a kid sitting on a pillow

— The End —