I loved Him
Like the moon loved the stars
I studied him
Like the stargazers
A masterpiece

Please be mine
Never to be mine

Two planets
With different routes
Desperately wanting.

I destroyed myself
For you.
So that my meteors
Would go closer
Than I ever could,
I’m yours for good

I come from paint
And tangled words
I come from shouting
And whispers

I come from the sketches
And vibrant thoughts
Strokes of chroma
And artistry

I come from the salt of every ocean
From blazing fire
And summer storms
From the rock of Jupiter

I am an improved form,
Assembled,
Of the materials,
Of anything I decide.

Blink blink
Eyelashes flutter
Running water
Let me shrink

Alone, peaceful, quiet
Soaking
Bubbles popping
Calm, my body met

Paper pages
Soul sleeping
Faucet weeping
Erasing edges

You never came and talked to me.
Never explained your betrayal.
Never said you were sorry.

I’m slashed deep
And it’s not healing.
It’s festering.

I can forget,
And so can everyone,
But can I forgive?

I’m not strong enough to forgive.
Every time I remember
It’s hurts more than last time.

Oh God, it hurts so bad.
Now I’ll never know you,
Because I’ll always doubt you.

Can’t you just say your sorry?
For ripping out a part of me.
Can you just pretend you love me?

Just for a few minutes,
Just pretend, please,
Just say you’re sorry.

I used to tear myself apart
And bleed blue butterfly wings
To pause my torment.
My life had become pure survival,
On creating something beautiful
Out of a dreadful loneliness.

My life had become a horrific masterpiece.
No one understood- those blue butterfly wings,
Kept me alive.
I used to tear myself apart.
Slice, to release my anguish.
But a constant, it always was-

Lingering, waiting,
For the blue butterfly wings to vanish.
For me to rip myself apart.
Again, and again, and again.
At times it seemed
My suffering never ended.

These days are different,
For when those blue butterfly wings
Bleed out my skin,
They never mature to red    I devour them
To have lasting serenity.
Anguish will not ruin me again.

Because,
I used to tear myself apart.

I want an ocean
Full of life
Full of roaring waves
A blue, that only an ocean possesses

I want a cool breeze
Fresh and salty
Perfect for the sunny days
That roam the beach

I want seagulls
And seashells
Covering the bay
Decorations in their own way

I want sand
Sand that’s cold and wet
Dense from the waves
Crashing against it

I want those days back
Of nothing to do
But breathe in beauty
And stare at blue

There is only one letter
difference
from feeling lovely-
and lonely.

Your tongue must taste worse than gunpowder
Bitter and cold
Because of the words you speak
Bloodied and vengeful
Against everyone, including yourself
Hate, dark as fresh coffee
You live in a house that’s burning
Slowly to the ground
Your hostility, slicing those trying to save you.
My lips sizzle against your lonely ones
And my palms ripped, bleeding, from grabbing yours
I am the earth
That smothers your ignited hatred

sprouts grow out my eyes,
renewed.
icicles freeze along my ribs,
numb.
waves roar against my palms,
gentle.

Stop trying to cut and glue
The parts of me that
Disagree with you
I'm not at all perfect
Or a flower garden
I'm not always happy
Sorry but, construction paper
Won't fix that and
I don't want it to.

A deep, heavy sigh, erupted
From my choked throat,
My forehead lay on an opened book.
I wish to be lost inside it.
My fingernails dig into the open crease,
Trying to crawl inside.
To be released.
Into a world where my heart has belonged all along,
Into a world where I can do what I'm meant to.
I devour the pages.
Hoping it would consume me
While I consume it.
Release me.
Release me from this world so existent,
Physical and realistic.
I smear the ink along my pupils
Hoping to see a new reality.
I sew the pages to my back.
Hoping to forever lean against them,
When I need to be taken away.

Dripping, sinking, far from harbor
A desperate ocean, tugging
“What are you looking for?”
The sea rose and tumbled

My feet drowned in ocean water
And wet sand. The tide pulling.
My ankles- my knees
Quickly found comfort in the sea

“Company?” The salty wet
Devoured my waist then my chest
Gentle ripples reached my lips
I realized it was not the ocean pulling me in

It was my feet. Willing, walking.
To be engulfed by sanctuary
Blue-green, restless, refuge
“Just for a little while.”

My hair began to wreath. Dancing in the spell.
I was enraptured- captured
A deathly calm disguised as a haven.
What has this escape- lead me to?

My lungs choked
My fingers clawed
To find warm sand
Pull me back to shore

I’ve been lost at sea
For too long

The ocean spray of salt
The everlasting sounds of waves
The sand, a locked vault
The tide, an unforgiving grave

The sun rises at the edge
The memories so celestial
I take my loyal pledge
My heart a sailing vessel

Sea shells, colorful in sound
Sea life, beautiful in sight
A dream I’ve finally found
The sunset, a hypnotizing light

The airborne seagulls calling me to sink
The surf alluring a magical peace
My endeavors start to shrink
The stars turn to be my timepiece

Funny how
You meant so much to me
I would lose my breath
When I only saw you
And now
I swallow air easily
You mean nothing to me
Funny how
I’m still writing poetry for you.
Some part of me
Must still love you.

When I sliced that tender flesh
Bleeding still, so ever fresh

It was not that I tried to die
But because I wanted to feel alive

So save me from this aching death
One of hatred and harsh breath

Suffering on the inside
My bleeding heart, now bleeding thighs

My throat choked and wailed
As my sadness was veiled

So help them, and help us all
Whose ripped skin is a pleading call

You said you had too much of me,
But you only tasted a drop.
You could never understand
The ocean of me.
I am too much for you.
But my soul
Says she can’t get enough .

I wrote an ocean onto that paper
Ink stirred with salt
It was spilling out of me

I was overflowing with thoughts
I wrote an ocean onto that paper
Of anything and everything

That clouded my eyes
Till nothing harmful was present
I wrote an ocean onto that paper

I wish I was there again.
I wish everything that’s in my head got lost at sea,
that all I could taste was salty air.
I wish I was walking in the little shops
that all sold seashells and starfish.
I wish everywhere I was I could hear the crashing tide;
calling me back to the cold, fresh, water.
I wish my feet were buried in warm sand,
hiding from the chilling breeze.
I wish I was where time slowed to a stop,
where I had all the time in the world.
I wish I was staring into a never ending horizon,
where I wasn’t always running to catch up.
Where all I had to do was breathe in and breathe out.

I'm always here for you
Here, where I always am
Ready to be your shoulder
Or to be your laughter

And at the end of the day
My shoulders slump
And my smile decays
I always each out first

But, you're not good at texting back
To me
See, you're not good at being here
For me

Surrounded, I always seem
But only because I surround myself
Not because they surround me
So here I am

But don't worry
I'll always be there for you
Even if
You're never there for me.

I used to hate yellow,
Then my soul turned to lemon juice
And now my lips are painted
As a new sunrise
Which changed the words I spoke.
With sour lemons slices
That attracted Bumblebees
And everything
To my lemon soul.

I feel like lemons and limes
Sprinkled in sugar
The sour, covered
Soaking in the sweet salt
To become tangy

Maybe I’ll become a peach
Sugary to the pit
Dipped in honey
And brown sugar
Finally mature

Your words reek with lies
You've hurt me too many times
I'll never trust a word out your mouth
You saw me cry with my heart spilled out
Yet you did it again
After saying "Never again..."
Our mother can't see through your poison
My tolerance has been growing thin
"Stop doing this!" I scream and wail
Don't you dare spit another tale.
My soul aches with despair hidden
Anything but happiness feels forbidden

I was in corner
Collecting dust
Waiting for you
Loyal to you

Until awareness
Consumed me.
I saw,
You didn’t even want me.

So I left.
I took my first,
Full,
Breath.

Since the attic
Of which
You left me
And forgot me.

I own the world
On a silver platter,
It is mine to destroy-
It is mine to devour.
When I'm hungry,
I will slice with silver knives
And scoop with silver spoons.
I will swallow the world whole.
And dab the corners of my mouth
When I'm done.
And everyone will know it was me.

It was my destruction- in the best way.
His presence, just that alone
Would make me lose all breath
I’d be panting,
Trying to catch what I had lost.

When I saw him
My heart would do anything
But keep a rhythm
I could never walk steadily
He was my destruction- in the best way.

His eyes made me shake
My bones turned to rainwater
I was taken by him.
Hung on every word out his lips.
He was my destruction- in the best way.

And when I thought he forgot me
It shattered me
The courage I found
To talk to him
I don't know from where, it came

Turns out he had not forgotten me
But moved on from me
And that’s what hurt the most
But that was the pill I needed to swallow
To forget him

He was my heart’s destruction- in the worst way.

Pill after pill
Stanza after stanza

A medicine of confession
Poetry, a prescription

For the pain
I would never show

For the joy
I never wrote

Swallowed
Now with ink on paper

It was red sand
Dripping through my fingers
Landing on my orange dress

I had been working with clay
Now my hands have grown
To be sensitive and alive

I press my hands against wooden fences as I walk
And to the tree's bark
Rough, under my, now delicate, palms

It was so new
I was feeling something real
For the first time

Clay had become my addiction
Something I could feel and sculpt
With a clear mind

I felt every grain of red sand
Drip through my fingers
And land on my course, orange dress

Being with you was
Ice water with mint gum

Loving you was
Wood pages and warm rain

Losing you was
Muffled screams and dry air

Now without you is
Fresh breeze and pomegranate seeds

Sticky
Always grabbing
For compliments
For approval

“You’re so pretty.”

Like jam hands
Young and desperate
Sweet and clingy
Searching

“They can’t resist a beautiful girl like you.”

Is that all I am?
“Beautiful”  “Pretty”
That’s all they tell me
Am I nothing else?

“I wish I looked like you.”

Is there no head on my shoulders?
No spine in my back?
Is “pretty” all I have?
Am I nothing but a picture to look at?

“You’re the pretty friend.”

Gooey jam hands grabbing
For any kind words
Of how my looks dazzle
Because

That’s all I’ve ever heard.
Now I’m a "pretty” shell
With nothing worth noticing
Inside.

Sailing ships
Cotton candy
A purple eclipse
Warm and sandy

This is what I dream

Forever mountain
Swirling by
A moon, grounded
A dripping sky

This is what I dream

Gears turning
My mind wanders
Always observing
Strange wonders

Dear Journal,        o1.o8.19

I'm discovering that i really have no idea who i am or what i am... isn't that interesting that i am me, but i don't know who that is.

Stop with those eyes.
Why can’t I memorize?
More green now than blue
Funny how you
Don’t look like you

Meeting eyes was easy
Like pouring sugar from a jar
Fidgeting with my ring
My heart never beat that hard
I was deep breaths and trembling hands

You remembered what I told you
Such a time ago
Stop making me laugh
You make it hard to let you go
But you’re human too

You have acne too
You fidget like me too
I built you to be a god
My hands loyal to your shrine
But you’re only humankind

But aren’t you beautiful
In your flawed ways
My heart all but sprung
From its cage
And lept into your hands.

Do you even recognize me
my pale skin
and innocent lips

I have come from so far
still to be me
skin and lips

My eyes still hazel and gold
now different
forced to change

Yet the same

Paper folded into doors
Fingers twisted into words
I try to grip reality
While collecting bumblebees
They call me whimsical
But i’m just somewhere else

Can you smell the peaches?
Because they are all I can think about-