I never thought we would eventually come to this. There was a time when I thought our love would stand the test of time and there was a short time I thought nothing could come between us. Unfortunately, all the hurt and lies have chipped away at our once perfect relationship and there is nothing left to hold on to. The way things are now, we are no longer a positive influence in each other's life. We just make each other miserable instead of happy, and make life harder rather than easier.
How many times have we said we have had enough and never wanted to see each other again, only to kiss and make up, then try again? Well, someone has to be strong enough to say enough is enough and walk away as bad as it will hurt. I have been really unsympathetic the last couple months and I do wish I could have handled things differently. Here’s the last time I’m going to share my view on this relationship and whether or not you actually read it and try to understand, well that’s up to you. I was really excited when we met and I tried to play every card right that I had to win you over and at very first it seemed reciprocated. You travelled for work a lot and we usually hung out on weekends which was understandable, plus it gave me time to focus on school and homework and look forward to the weekend. After we started having *** and hanging out more you didn’t seem interested or look forward to things as much as I did and it was noticeable. I think you were going through your own problems in life and you wanted to do things I didn’t and I think you wished I was more exciting, and at some point I started to annoy you because that when our relationship was the worst. You’d begin to point things out that were wrong with me and I don’t know if you did it because it was your way of telling me you didn’t want me or I needed to change but I took it so personal because I was trying to make things work so much. You always pushed me to go to the gym and so I started doing that and trying my best to look good for you, just you. I spent my free time working out, doing homework, trying to plan stuff out for us and win you over all the while I was working two jobs and going to school. Remember when you stayed that week and I made you lunch everyday? Tried making your favorite dinner? Valentines? Mixed CDs? That night you were more excited about the Andre Nickatina concert than what was in front of you. That’s when I started to complain more, I want to go look at the stars, I want to watch Disney movies, I want flowers, a promise ring, all the stuff you weren’t into, and I think you took that as nagging and whining but I was actually begging for your attention when you were too busy giving it to other people (this was around the time I caught you talking to Britney, Victoria). However even then I continued to try and win you over. I worked my *** off to afford a weekend away with you, and I remember being so insecure every eight hour shift thinking “I hope he’s not doing something that would hurt me” or “ if I can just make it to eureka with him maybe he’ll see I’m different and worth it.” I was panicking and the one who hated to look at her phone because I know you didn’t respond, I began hating the people who did text and call me because it got my hopes up. All the times I seen you even message girls I felt so betrayed and my happiness was harder and harder to regain. You would tell me you didn’t have time to see me then post your at the gym with your friends or out with your friends. Like when we were trying to talk in the car and I remember us screaming at each other and then your phone went off and it was “someone who used to live on the same street as you” you have been talking to her the couple days I tried to leave and you tried to tell me you were talking to her about us but it gets hard to believe after Victoria, Britney, Nemmy, and all the others I’ve probably forced myself to block out. At this time I NEVER even spoke to another man, I was so loyal because all I did was try and be good for you. Then you bought your bike and started losing me and you didn’t even see it. You wanted to explore because you were so excited about the whole motorcycle thing, and I’ll give you this, I wasn’t very supportive of it because I thought all you wanted it for was attention. This is when my family started to not trust you because you were going out to bars and talking to other girls, you’d leave town for days and ignore me, then bring flowers and try to make up for it and it was so hard not to forgive you. Eventually that motorcycle phase came to and end and I think this is when you had a moment of pure realization and missed me the most. Maybe if you spent all that time working on us I could have bloomed into something other than this unstable insecure woman. If you stopped being negative about me and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to you and I wouldn’t have pulled into myself and shied away. I became convinced I no longer knew myself for making me seem so hard to love. Regrets always set in right? I was wrong too because all the while I kept trying to leave you I couldn’t because I felt so insecure and down about myself and you would convince me that you were going to try and be better but I don’t think you ever meant it because you never followed through. Then I started slimming up and I was getting attention from other people and at that point, it was so hard to ignore attention from someone when that’s all I ever was craving from you. Dallas, Conner, they are both two incredible men that actually haven’t done anything to hurt me regardless I haven’t given them much time. But how it works with me is you get my trust and benefit of the doubt until you don’t. I had gotten involved with Dallas and he spoiled me with attention in the most kindest of ways. I had to make a really hard decision when you found out but guess what? I chose you even though I felt rotten for hurting him because I know I did. I wanted to give it another kick and at this point I am where I’m at now so depressed and unsure about anything in life. I’ll give you recognition for all the time you were there for me, my car getting broken into, Daniel, my family, me being sick, you did sometimes. I tried being there for you always, and I tried winning over your family so hard! Then the neighbor thing, the punching me thing, the moving to Idaho and lying about it thing. That’s when I pulled away the most and I became numb to feeling anything. I am exhausted about all of it. I can see how it has been ripping out your heart just like you ripped out mine and that’s what makes it so hard to see because you’re trying as much as I did at one point. Yeah I talked to Conner and Andrew and others that I know you had a insecurity about but I can’t feel too bad for you considering how I’m trying to cope with the past two years and maybe talking to other people helps and makes me happy. Now I can’t help but here nagging most of the time you talk to me and I can’t believe or trust your word on anything. You make me feel guilty for this but I mean I’m already depressed and having a really hard time with life so it’s easy for me to believe I’m hard to love and I am even more lost than I was before with who I am. It breaks my heart to watch you do such irrational things to try and win me over now because I don’t know how much I believe we will actually ever work or have future together anymore. Not only that but it really confuses me and puts me in bad spots which isn’t fair to either of us and it makes you look bad when the last thing I would want in a relationship is for everyone not to support it? The roles have clearly switched here and for me it’s much harder to pretend none of this happened then it is to give you another chance. Especially when I’m at a point in my life where I need to focus on school and my mental health because I don’t have many people to lean on and the ones I do clearly don’t believe in us either. This has been the most learning relationship for me and I think you need to try and learn from it to considering all your past relationships have ended similar except you were the one who moved out of state. Im really really lost right now and I don’t know if I can build myself up in the same relationship that beat me down. I ******* love you Nicholas but I have to be the one to walk away so both of us stop hurting. I feel really sick after writing this but I had to try and explain myself one last time because maybe you’ll be okay this time because I forgive you for all the mistakes you have made and I don’t hate you for them, I just want you to grow from them and take responsibility for what has happened because you shouldn’t hide things in relationships it never works out. Just know I forgive you for all of it, but I’ll never forget it and that’s the ultimate problem.