I just cleaned my clothes
Thinking it might wash off
The stains
Left behind
For so many days
And so many nights
I forgot to

Now they will always be there
To remind me
Of the mistakes
You make
When you let something
Linger for too long

I've had a lot of dreams
About my old house
And my family
My dogs
And my hometown
Recently

They make me miss home

But after moving a few times
Or more than a few times
I realize that home
Is made of the people
That love you the most
And wherever they go
They are bringing you home

Home part II

Home to me was comfort
Comfort and love
Fighting and pain
But mostly comfortable and warm
Authentic

Home sometimes feels like
What my parents taught me

if who i really miss is you
or a different you
someone i knew and don't know now
every step of the way
you said
we said
we shared
those moments
so surreal
so many memories

you asked for my swimsuit
the first time we touched
the first time we kissed
the time i cried with you
the other time i cried with you
all the times i cried with you

you made me so many things

you sang for me
you sang with me
you wrote poetry
you made music with me
we did it together
every step of the way
you said
we said

every step until one day
everything seems okay
maybe
or it doesn't
and a whole ball of confusion
is floating around
and no one can get through to each other
and no one can talk
or explain
or make sense
for days
and days
weeks
no one speaks
no one says or does anything

because it doesn't make sense
it just doesn't make sense

and so
they can't relate
we can't relate
no one can relate
it's just stalemate
the game isn't over
but no one has lost and no one has won
and all i am left with
are memories
and these things you gave to me

I said I want to die
suicide
he said take this
golden necklace
it will give you bravery

I said I think it's time
he said no
a part of you must die
that, it is time
for

It is time for a part of me
the part I don't believe
suits anything
anymore
to drift away
into the background
of a life I didn't need

Old man wisdom
such a long life
so much bravery
don't doubt it
when it comes to these things

My old man
gave me the wisdom
years of knowing what it means

So goodbye
goodbye part of me
I do not need
I don't miss you anyway
I don't miss the tricks you played
on me
I don't miss the way you smelled
or the way you looked
or the way you dreamed
it wasn't me
it isn't me
thank you but i'm done
so say goodbye to part of me

this is my suicide letter
to the part of me I no longer need
goodbye

Accelerate me into life
flash forward
what is it like
people not driving cars
robotic body parts

hologram friends
destined to screens
faces unseen

Where will we be
when
time flashes before eyes
before our eyes
creating new families
relatives
gone from our lives

the future
what will happen
in the future
the future

consolidation
all our things
are consolidated
into this modern day destiny

will we be
traveling
through a paradigm
of things we used to dream

the future
no one knows
where all of this
will go
in the future
the future?

Buy a new shirt
feel good
buy some items
numb the feelings
never have to think about them

feelings idly hiding
beneath the daily distractions
of life

i didn't feel anything
for weeks
and then i realized
it was all hiding
behind these things

these things in my house
these things in my room
these items
all these things

distract distract
anything to distract
me
from the things
i can't face
the pain
the sorrow
life we can't escape
the sadness
the illness
the death
the loneliness
just distract me
or else I won't last

distract with this
distract with that
until i'm bored
i'll take a nap
then get back
to distract

distraction after distraction
after distraction

what does it all mean?
tell me what it means
because i'm not sure
i can last in this dream
this dream that never ends

why do some suffer
and some don't
some won't know what it feels like
to be comfortable
some only know comfort
some know both

tell me what it all means
or else i'll go back to distracting
why are some distractions bad
and some good
why does it matter

distract, distract
never want to feel that

Pushing through feelings of sadness
like giving up

it's a hard life out there
but no one tells you
when you're hidden away
in a system where learning is at value
but not learning about the real world
just learning how to memorize
just memorizing facts
so many facts
that your brain wants to explode

go to work
put on my mask
leave work take off my mask
or was there a mask at all?

can't remember what my first mask was
don't have time to categorize all of them

masks floating around
floating all around inside my head
until I can't choose just one
it's just an amalgamation of all of them
floating around inside my head

Bittersweet love
like roses
on your wooden fence
thorns that *****
my fingers

Two bodies
make love
like roses
sweet, divine, intense

A fragrance
that never leaves
its permeation
fills the air
the sunken stems
dancing in their last droplets

Vast openings
her voice glistening
inside a narrow glass
of my deepest entanglements
and her wildest dreams

Bittersweet love
like roses
never escaping me

I'm all alone
I'm alone
I'm lonely

So many people
so many crowds
no one to talk to
beneath these trees

We're all alone
we're alone
we're lonely

A face, some eyes
they stare, they're surprised
no one to talk to
in these cities

A sea of nothing
no flowers, no leaves
no trees to breathe from
waves without break

Fish swimming without direction
coral lying flat on the ocean floor
water without moisture
floor with no sand

Your fishing rod falls
on the surface
no catch
disappointment drains the water
disappointment never leaves

The water has no movement
no wind to push the sailboats
a vast ocean, but no direction
lost at sea

No one ever comes
no one ever leaves
there are no signs, no paths
to an ocean that cannot breathe
the ocean of desolation

My love
will fill a room
until there's no more oxygen
to consume

it will surpass
the highest peaks
on a mountain range

it will shine through
the windows
of a tainted car

it will grow wild
in the meadow
of a farmer's land

it will climb taller
than the tallest skyscraper
in a cityscape

it will fly higher
than the largest rocket
in outer space

but only
if to be embraced
it will remain
in one place

Memories of you that never leave
stuck in my mind
like these rhymes
that i write
and these songs
that i sing

Don't leave
you left
and i can't breathe

I yell out your name
when i'm dreaming
but you're never there
when i'm awake

Can't seem to shake these
memories
Can't seem to take these
memories

Running in loops
In playback circles

Crying, sobbing
reaching out for you
but no one's there

Misery

Misery rotting inside my bones
misery knotting internally

Fully awake but no longer alive
the grief has taken me
and buried my eyes

I can't see anymore
I can't breathe
you left
and it's killing me
you're gone
I might see you in a dream
but it's not the same
because I can't touch
your face
or feel your pain
or tell you it will
be okay

It's doomed
and it's over
and i don't know how
we're staying sober

I don't know how
we continue to breathe
without each other
without our lovers

your love is beckoning me
your soul is caressing me
you're too far away
you're never here
when I awake
I call out your name
but you're not listening
it was just a dream
it was just a dream