****!

your body, the drain plug,
that climactic days of a day
murky sweet strawberry milk water
ebbs and sways
around, surrounds, and surmounts you

Your body the dumping ground
for pretty poppy seeds
seep, steep
seeded somewhere deep

as

synthetic stinging metaphor rain
pours on your mistreated singing skin
spotted, dotted, synaptic rule
akin to lemon poppy seed muffin tops
your head- a top
spins round
and mimics
never-ending bath drain whirlpool

ambulances and ambivalences soundtrack
this nocturne
night of a morning
mourning already
my poor lost sister
a little less than intact
lost in her head
I'm loosing her

and she's nodding

            and she's nodding

                          and she's nodding

                                    and she's nodding
and she nods
and grumbles,
fumbles for words that aren't there
four words that aren't there
forward isn't there

because what do you say
about matters
when your high
and breathing last breaths overlapping
in humble showers
in heart crumbling nakedness
your faithlessness trapping
murky sweet strawberry milk waters.

I turned water into coffee this morning
and sat by the four corner light box
while reading a book
that taught me not to judge it by its cover.
The twisted crooks
that the story entails
the end trails of coke heads
that still drop slowly down the walls of
East Harlem.
I turned water into coffee this morning
and sat by the four corner light box
and all of its massive holiness
creating a halo around my entire body
without fearing a bullet would come rushing in
and **** me dead
I sat and read of another universe where
life and love still exist
but in a way I could not bring myself to condone
I turned water into coffee this morning
and sat by the four corner light box
with a dark shadow created by the backlit room
safe and in place
just wishing I was one of the twisted crooks
the story entailed
with my end trails in a little more danger
than when
I turned water into coffee this morning
and sat with the purity of my whiteness,
by the four corner light box
while reading another universe
and doing nothing about it.

Add
Add
Add
my
Addictions.
dictions (diction's) lost
my addiction's dictions (diction's) lost conviction
excuse that last part, it was intrinsically self-involved
because advertisements
tell me to want.
everything.

Add
Add
Add
all my addictions
then divide by whats left.

Chandler says you can't divide by nothing.

The river of vile
that streams through the main living room
your bile
and into crowded basements
now a flood plain
well,
it doesn’t compare much to your smile
and as your body lays heavy
heaves,
contorted, distorted
reaching for boulders
that erode quickly into sediment
hapless in attempt
your parents disinterest now retorted
hapless self directed contempt
flowing
with pants shackled at ankles
o’keefe sweet lips flower showing
pink
you drown
and sink


and crickets chirp
and fish swim

Waiting for this Leary to bake.
I am baked.
I finally have time to reflect
on last night.
Like a kite
up in the air I flew
confused and okay
just simply being with you.

Couldn’t sleep last night
so I did the next best thing
and quaffed caffeine until
cerebral vasoconstriction
set in
I think
I know I have always been embarrassed to be me
but I guess
if nothing else
Humiliation breeds diffident dissonance humbly so
so foggy up here
a tad bit soggy,
saturated with my diseased anatomical atoms
my dendrites retreating
softening like rotting fruit
so much potential so little actualization
synapses overloaded
with drugs
that I didn’t know

Like the lone tree in the farthest forrest
dendritic pestilence is high and corrosive
I’m high and corrosive
and
I sigh for the lovers that never knew I loved them.
I miss the lovers that I never knew I loved.
and
I love the lovers who didn’t don’t and wont love me.

Couldn’t sleep last night
so I did the next best thing
and mirrored the rain until
pillows were
sponges
I think
I know I have always wanted to be caressed slightly
but I guess
if nothing else
creation breeds ****** succulence cunningly so
so sticky down here
a tad bit rickety,
saturated with my diseased anatomical atoms
my elevated coronary coronated erosion
sputters like a misused Porsche
911
so much beauty so little left
arteries caked
with yesterday’s cigarette
that let me let go.

I'm uncomfortable  

And always tense
In observational
Desire
From my corner coffee shop
Spot.
Unnoticed,
I see simple embrace
One for which
my body aches.
My body breaks
I realize
I'm alone and
In doing so actualize my own fate.

People are aliens
Foreign and speaking a language which seems eerily  
familiar but forgotten
years ago.
It seems I am not getting
better at conversing
just daily Rehearsing
The same rhetoric
Stoic lows
recycled and recited
to a new day, a new ethereal face

Inadequate Inadequacies
Inadequately Inscribed,
,described and, imbibed.

Please, oh Lord,
Let me imbibe
before subscribing
to speak to you, me, every and anyone.


Send Help!
Send Anyone!

A person
to make my lips feel
a little
less caustic.
Casual conversation
by the wayside
I want what I had
Not what I can or could have.
I don’t want love.
I’d rather have a dog to put to sleep
than no dog at all.

Something about a cigarette and a cappuccino
gives me solace
but not more than the layers of my bed.
I know it’s all “in my head”
but when did
losing you
become worse than
losing myself
selfishly
I drag on
I drag on
I drag on

like the dragons breath
out comes the
smoke and flame
and with it
my dignity
and affinity for you, myself, and everyone else

Something about a cigarette and a cappuccino
keeps me at bay
but not like you did
its not the end of may anymore
but the beginning of June
and with it I come out of ruin
ashes fall out of my lungs
cancerous
I don’t know it now
but my eyelids
won’t close tonight
and instead
in fright and flight
I fight with myself
I plead with my psyche to think about all
the infinite world of nothings
that seem to ease my mind
I should come with a warning:
be kind
I’ve been hurt before
and wouldn’t find
it terribly wrong
if you would,
or could
find it in yourself to
love me
just
one time more

Something about a cigarette and a cappuccino
gives me solace
but not more than the layers of my bed.
I know it’s all “in my head”
but when did
losing you
become worse than
losing myself
selfishly I
drag on
drag on

I quit.

endlessly refreshing the page
grades mean more than knowledge
grades mean more than time
the red dot notification cages
my inner peace
until further notice
F5 is my life

Social ineptitude
summarized as “self-solaced in solitude"
becomes nightmarish
in late night fright
I worry I will never make my desires known
Sewn into the fabric so even the
sharpest seam rippers
do little to nothing to repair
my inability to tell the truth,
my lips have been sealed, healed and sealed again
To the Yous
I used to call
mine
You're gone and
I am reminded of your presence in this world
and your absence in mine.

final exam in less than seven hours.
and I cant sleep study or settle
maybe its the (what seems like gallons)
of coffee finally adding up
or the kettle
that i wait for night after night

"A watch *** never boils"

but i never looked
and it still never boiled

typical

anticipation grows inside
and winged insects fly
i start to wonder when the morning light will shine
but realize quickly the night never began.

i wait for it not to hurt
but understand (not quite fully)
that the pain hasn't even started.