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10
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
10
"And this is where it starts, many thoughts of us"
- (wishing you knew the truth)
10 word poem to you
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
1:00AM
Soft kisses
Tight hugs
Warm smiles
And deep conversations

1:10AM
The same kisses, yet softer
Tight Hugs, just a bit tighter
Warm smiles turn into sleepy grins
And deep conversations turn into lustful lullabies

1:20AM
Light pecks of the cheek and neck
Arms draped lazily across ones body
Smiling against ones skin
And random reminders of three little words

1:30AM
No more loving kisses
Arms still intertwined
Grins now formed into straight lines
And silence of late night sleep
915
Erin Schwartz Oct 2015
915
In her own eyes she wasn't pretty enough
Her body was dull, unfit to her
Her attitude towards herself was too tough
But all her saw was the beauty inside her

He loved the imperfect person inside
Even though she didn't see what he did
So he helped her put her feelings aside
She was no longer a terrified kid

Day after day they fell further in love
The happiness brought to her life was new
The happiness they were both apart of
They knew would always be nothing but true

Even though it was hard for her to see
A love like theirs was meant to be
To Tony
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
So many things in life to love
And all I choose is you
But how can I love someone
Who can't even love me back

So many things in life to hate
And all I choose is you
But how can I hate someone
Who's as perfectly imperfect as you

I wish upon a star
In hopes to find true love
But even the moon in the sky at night
Agrees with the stars
How can I choose someone as horribly beautiful as you
But also
How can I choose someone less riveting than you
Erin Schwartz Feb 2015
You beat me, tortured me, and practically killed me.
Because of you I became someone I hated.
I was nothing to you but a girl to take out anger on.
You opened my scars, caused all of my tears, sliced open my skin and beat me to dust.
Depression, YOU are the reason for the scars on my thigh and wrist.
The burning scars on my heart and soul.
You are the reason I felt nothing, numb, broken and cold.
There were times where I just wanted to be left alone.
I sat there being consumed by my own thoughts.
Torn apart by the voices in my head telling me to give up.
Those voices weren’t my own, they were only my imagination.
Depression, if you were able to speak you could be those voices.
You came to life in my head and that was hurting me.
Not because I wanted to give up but because you and everyone who hurt me wanted that from me.
But depression, just like my bullies you couldn’t win.
I ended up the winner and defeated you.
You are no longer the destruction within me.
You are now just a faint memory of what was once within.
Erin Schwartz
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
"I never drink but when you're around, I feel drunk"
- 10 word poem
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
"I wasn't lost in your eyes, I was just lost"
- 10 word poem
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
One day they tell you
You can be anything you want
So you start up a dream
Then the next day they tell you how unpractical you're being
But how can you be unpractical when you haven't experienced life in a way that helps you realize the practical forms of what to say and do
How can we as kids realize at such a young age that our dreams really don't matter
We'll never reach them

Growing up they tell you to reach for the stars
You'll be able to catch your dreams if you really try, or at least that's what you believe
But how can you reach something a billion miles away
When you can't even reach small goals that are important to your everyday life

By the age of sixteen you've already given up on your dreams
According to society the only thing that matters is money and looks
But what if you can't have either of those

A year later your daily goals aren't as big but man are they crucial
You're no longer worrying about how much money you'll have or where you shop
The main thing you'll learn to worry about is living
Some people by the age of seventeen want to die and have to make groundbreaking decisions
Do I continue this cycle of broken dreams
Or do I just give up like I did at age ten

At age seventeen you decide to stick through the hard times and see where life takes you
Yes, you went through loads of **** but in the end you're okay, right
Or at least that's what you thought

On your eighteenth birthday you assume there's no bright side to any of this
Today is the day you plan to take your life because you truly believe you're not good enough to reach the goals you set for tomorrow let alone ten years from now
You believe the adults who told you growing up that you were being so unpractical were all right
You couldn't reach those goals or dreams
You couldn't even last a week without breaking your promise to yourself that today would be the day you finally took charge of your life
The day you finally started eating again
The day you finally put down the razor blade
You gave up

At age nineteen you look back at the last three years of your life and realize you're so proud of yourself for not giving up
At age nineteen you're 365 days clean, healthy
Three years ago, when everything started to go down hill for you
You would have never thought you'd be seeing your nineteenth birthday
But yet, here you are celebrating the life that is now in your control
All because you never gave up on your dream of living
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
Loud sounds
Coming from behind your door
I hear a scream
A scream that causes chills
Tingles
I go to your door
It's locked

She's screaming at you to leave
You shout back, calling her names
I want to help
I don't like hearing the sound of her crying because of you
You're the one who made her this way
Why are you trying to change her

There's a sound
A loud sound as if something hit the door
I want to open the door
I want to see what is going on
It's still locked

I hear the door unlock
I look up
My eyes blurry from tears I didn't know I was crying
I see your face
A tight, sad, anger filled line formed on your mouth
You walk past me
Leaving the door open for me to see what you had done
I see her laying on the floor
Bruised
Bleeding
But still alive

You beat her
You beat her as if she were a punching bag
You beat her as if she were your opponent and you were a boxer
She couldn't fight back
You were too strong

I hear the front door close
You left
You left me with her on the ground
You left her with me

I have to decide what to do
Do I stand here and stare at her
Do I run out the door after you because I can't lose you too
Or do I call the police
I want to run
I want to get so far away
But I don't want to be like you
I don't want to be a coward you runs from her problems
I want to be the hero

I call the police
By the time the police come the bleeding on her head stopped
Her busted lip and black eye still swollen
She's not dead
Yet
The ambulance takes her to the hospital where she is taken into surgery
Brain damage
Head trauma because of you and your hands

While they're helping her
I'm taken into questioning
I'm asked questions about you
Who did this
What happened
Why didn't you help her
I answer
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
Please stop asking me questions

The hospital calls in the middle of the interview
She's dead
You killed her with your hands
But you also killed her with your words
She wouldn't have tried to run if you just let her be
You should have been nicer to her
She's dead
You're gone
And I'm alone
Fiction but dreams
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
"Who needs drugs when I get high off your smile"
- 10 word poem
Him
Erin Schwartz Oct 2015
Him
In her own eyes she wasn't pretty,

She wasn't beautiful

But her body was a canvas

And all her imperfections,

Just brush strokes,

Light and delicate,

Perfectly put together

To form a carefree work of art.

But that wasn't what he loved,

no.

He didn't love just the picture

outside.

He loved the imperfect person inside

The happiness behind each smile,

The joy in her eyes,

And the warmth her laugh

Brought to each day.

He loved her,

And oh, did she love him.
How
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
How
In life
You realize there is a difference between living
And living
One may go through life wondering what could be
Others may go through life having everything they want to get finished, finished
Why go through life wondering
When you can wonder on and discover what is all around you

There will always be a need to see new things
Whether it be sights, people or foods
But what about happiness
Some people go through life wondering what it would be like to see happiness
While others seek more than that

For me, happiness is sometimes found
But also sometimes lost
It's discovered and rediscovered a million times over
But how can that be true when happiness isn't truly a thing to find

Happiness is an idea you have to create for yourself  
It doesn't just happen
So why do people sit around and expect happiness to just waltz on into their lives

I realize now I have to work to find the happiness I have been longing for
Feelings of fulfillment and joy don't just come to you
They have to be created through the mind set of positivity

How can you expect it to rain in the middle of a drought without praying first
So my question for you is
How can you expect happiness to come to you without actually working for it
Ice
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
Ice
I thought your heart was warm like coffee
But it's actually cold like ice
sad depressed unhappy mad boy girl relationship lies
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
As I sit here quietly
Thinking about how great my life has become the past few weeks
days
hours
minutes
seconds
I realize that it wasn't always like that
I look down at my thigh and see the little, thin, white scars I put onto myself and realize
I did that
I was so frail that I let every word hurt me and add to the pain within me I let those people get to me and honestly
Never in my whole life would I have been able to see myself sitting here in my room
Wishing I never put that blade to my skin

I wish I never took it upon myself to push the razor deeper into my thigh
Causing an outburst stream of blood
Half the time I didn't even know what was going on
Tears were steaming down my face
As I came to and stopped crying
I looked and saw the destruction I had done

It started out as five or six scratches which lead to ten
Then all of a sudden I was slicing thirty times, allowing four to break the skin
I cleaned myself up every time it happened
Not letting anyone know how horrible I felt

As I sit here quietly, thinking about how horrible my life had been two months ago
every week
day
hour
minut
second
I realize I am greatful for the scars on my thigh
I now have a reminder of how horrible I felt
but also how much I was able to overcome
I fought the demons within me, alone on most days
I was able to defeat the burning hatred I had for myself and my bullies
I was able to stop the depression
anorexia
anxiety
And suicidal thoughts I had

I thank God everyday for chance of life
Because there were times I didn't know if I was going to make it
But look at me now
I'm alive
Thank you to everyone who supported me through my stages of depression. I am eternally grateful
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
1:56AM
Clock ticks slow
Then fast
So does my heartbeat and the thoughts in my head
2:07AM
Thoughts of giving up race around like a remote control car being moved by a kid
I was once that kid moving my thoughts around in my head
Now, the thoughts are the kid moving me around
I'm being consumed and controlled by my own thoughts
Never allowed to think for myself
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
It's three am
The thought of your smile lingers in my head
It's four am
And you're asleep, while I'm up wishing you were here
It's five am
It's hard to fall asleep when you're the only thing I see
It's six am
I've slept zero minutes tonight, but that's okay
Tomorrow at 3am, it'll start again
But the thought of you is worth any second of lost sleep
To you
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
You wanna know what *****?
The fact people walk in & out of our lives
Some with hurtful goodbyes
But others without one at all
You promised not to leave me without saying goodbye
I guess everything's just a lie
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
You wake up from a great sleep filled with beautiful dreams
I'm still wide awake as I was six hours before you went to bed.
You have no care in the world, living freely
While I'm in bed too tired to sleep.
You say you're so tired of being so busy
But I'm so tired of being alone.
One day you say your life ***** because you failed a test
But how can your life "****" when you haven't failed miserably at it yet?
You've given up on studying for something you really don't need
While I've given up on something so essential to life.
I gave up on breathing, living and seeing the world.
You prefer darkness because you like to think
I prefer sunshine but all I have is darkness.
All I have is you
But you have everything else
And will never really need me like I need you.
To you
Erin Schwartz Feb 2015
My body
My soul
Everything within me is awake.
There's no way to keep it from happening.
Late at night my mind spins with the many thoughts of everything.
Should I go to sleep?
No, I need to stay awake and watch my thoughts take flight.
Moving quick from thought to thought, never taking rest.
My body
My soul
Always on the move
This is isn't what I choose, it's just what I am.
This is a poem about my generalized anxiety disorder and insomnia.
Erin Schwartz Feb 2015
Night is best when I’m alone.
Like going to skip a rock or stone.
I love night best when I read,
During the day I can often mislead.
At night I can take time to read in detail.
Not getting distracted with things like texts or emails.
I often get lost within the book,
At characters lives I take a look.
A thousands lives which I have lived,
And thousands more I want to live.
And thousands more I want to live.

Erin Schwartz
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
"I can kiss a million guys, but none are you"
- 10 word poem
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
Being unhappy doesn't always consist of crying
sometimes all you feel is nothingness
Nothing is enhanced
only minimized
The emotional pain is there but backed away
all you feel is empty thoughts with random hints of evil
Once you break through the curtain that contains the numbing feeling
you feel alive again
Feeling all pain, joy, and anger so vividly
would you rather feel the evil or feel nothing at all?
I personally find the evil to be more comforting
than the numbing bliss of depression
Erin Schwartz Feb 2015
Picture In A Frame
Sun come up it was blue and gold.
Sun come up it was blue and gold.
Ever since I put your picture in a frame.
I loved you and I always will.
Your picture is just a memory
And something I’ll always have.
Life was great when you were around
The sun came up because of you.
But ever since you left
All I have is that,
Just your picture in a frame.
Erin Schwartz
Response poem to Picture in a Frame by Tom Waits
Erin Schwartz Feb 2015
Sit.
Sit quietly, all alone.
Sit.
I want to sit here by this tree and think.
Nature is a beautiful thing, it helps you think and possibly dream.
Trees.
The trees are big like mountains, shading you from all things bad.
Trees.
Giving you hope that one day you could grow as strong as thee.
Flowers.
The flowers bring great beauty to this world.
The flowers show proof of wonderful things.
Me.
I sit here quietly, filled with admiration of the beautiful sky.
The clouds, like big puffs of white fluff floating across the blue sky.
If you stare too much, one day you’ll float away like the clouds some say.
Me?
I’m more than willing to float away like the clouds, seeing the beauty of everything.
Nature is beauty, and beauty is within.
I am nature and nature is I.

Erin Schwartz
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
"The thoughts that brought me happiness were mostly of you"
- 10 word poem
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
How do we get out of this labyrinth of suffering
We walk back and forth
From one destination to the next
Not ever knowing where we're going

How do we get out of this labyrinth of suffering
Do we stop where we are
Never to continue our journey
Or do we keep walking this long labyrinth of suffering

The easiest way in some eyes is to just stop traveling
And set up camp where we are
But what if where we are isn't good enough
What if we truly believe there is something outside of this labyrinth of suffering

Someone once said which is he trying to escape-
The world or the end of it?
Living or dying?
In my eyes, there is no way out
The labyrinth is both living and dying
The world and the end of it
There's no escaping this labyrinth of suffering
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
Beyond the sadness within her,
Beyond all her tears,
She sees a light that shines only once
When she sees his eyes in line with hers

She's saddened with the thoughts of pain
Never seeing joy in anything surrounding her
Yet, when he's holding her close
Whispering soft nothings in her ear
The light begins to grow, and sadness soon disintegrates

The sweet hum of his breathing against her neck
Fingers laced together with light tenderness
She feels the smile played across his face as he lays on his side
Lips to neck
Skin to skin

She wants the moment to last forever
Afraid that with one second of lost contact
She will break again
Never being able to be mended into a person,
Just a puddle of heartache
Waiting
Waiting to be mopped up soon after

But with him she will never be a puddle
Just an egg who's outside is cracked with sadness
Soon glued with the love of the boy
The love that will be there forever,
Even after the cracks on the outside heal

With him she was human
Not an animal to be beaten
Not dirt to be kicked
But human, breathing and filled with light
The light only the love from the boy could create

As they lay side by side on the bed
Hands intertwined,
Bodies pushed together tightly
She notices something,
A small gleam
A twinkle in the boys eye
The type of twinkle only created by the love of a girl

They were created as separate objects
Separate objects with small similarities and differences
The smallest differences that helped them fall in love
And the smallest similarities that helped mold them together

As they lay there on the bed
Together and in love
They both noticed something
There was a love between them big enough that
Not even gods largest storm could destroy

She was an egg ready to break
And he was the glue to hold her together
She, hurt by fake love
He, ready to give his love away
Together, love that was true
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
If my mind were a book
You would be the little details written throughout
The hidden meaning behind each word
The storyline

If my mind were a song
You would be the little verses
The rhythm and rhymes
The beat

If my mind were your mind
I wouldn't be present
I would be pushed back to the far corner where no one can look
I would be nonexistent

But my mind and your mind are not the same
I am present
I am open for everyone to see and experience
I am existent

My mind isn't our song
But plays a true tune
The rhyme and rhythm soft
The beat slow

My mind is only a book
Where you are the little details written occasionally
There's more meaning behind my words other than you
The storyline is mine
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
To my younger self,
You may feel like nothing is ever going to go well
You might even consider ending all the pain
But I promise you if you focus on what is coming
You'll be happy one day

It doesn't matter who likes you
Or who doesn't
All that matters is that you love yourself

You're maybe thinking, there's nothing to love
But once you almost lose your life
The person you see in the mirror every morning
Will soon be the girl you learn to cherish

You may feel like no one could ever love you
You're too weird, ugly or dumb
But you are worth fighting for
Someone will notice and love you for you

How do you expect someone
To love the girl they see
If the girl can't even love herself

How do you expect to love someone truly
If you cannot even begin the road
The road to loving who you are

Someday you'll be bullied
And wish life was like before
But there's no changing what is to come
You just have to face it
And remember, you are strong

So before you do something crazy
Like cut or take too many pills
Remember you have friends and family
Who love you like you should be loved
And there is someone thinking the exact same thing
Waiting for someone to love them back

And you will be the love they need
They'll be the love you have been craving
Erin Schwartz Mar 2015
You and I
We're not the same
You're happy
And I'm not

You and I
We're not the same
You're living
And I'm dying

You and I
We're not the same
You feel
And I forget

You and I
We're not the same
But simliar

You and I
We love
We cry
We hate

You are good
And I am bad
But god I'm good for you
And you are bad for me

We're similar but opposites
Polar opposites to be exact
But we attract like magnets
You pull out the best in me even though I'm lacking
And I pull out the worst in you even though you're not

Neither of us show pure perfection
But when we're together
Perfection is all that exists
I love you
Erin Schwartz Apr 2015
"Do you ever think of me like I do you?"
- 10 word poem

— The End —