It's that feeling that hurts
Way down low,
Deep in the pit of your stomach
And deep in your soul,
That pain, that disgust
That raging ball of hate,
The feeling that you're never good enough
That feeling that never dissipates.
When you've shared your heart
Maybe a bit too much,
And everytime they hurt you,
You feel it right in your guts..
Today is your birthday.
You would've been 24.
It's only been 3 years,
But it feels like an eternity.
I miss you on August 9th.
I miss you on August 31st.
I miss you everyday in between,
Though it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.
Today you would have been 24.
Things that nobody talks about:
The desperation of loving someone who doesn't love you
How the sun feels warmer when you've spent a year being cold
The feeling of weightlessness after crying yourself to sleep
When he stares long and hard at you and smiles softly, making your eyes feel shy even when you are not
How people who used to exist in your orbit still take chunks off of your surface, even when you've taken so many hits you hardly exist.
Things that nobody talks about:
Even when you've moved on, even when you've found someone who loves you more, even when you've discovered better things, your skin remembers things best forgotten.
I am different
Just like you.
I wear my hair up when I read,
I don't hit the right notes when I sing,
I forget to think before I speak,
And I trust no one,
Just like Moulder taught me.
Every time I want to hurt myself,
I cut my hair,
Everytime I want to cry,
Smoke fills the air,
And when I'm desperate to be heard,
I reach out to notebooks that are tear covered.
I'm different, oh I'm different,
Just like everyone else,
I'll blend in to the crowds,
Just to be tripped over.
I love the way you throw your hand out the window when you drive;
Careless and free,
feeling the rush of wind pass through the space between your fingers,
the earth’s breath kissing your knuckles.
I love the way you go barefoot when we walk through the woods.
People passing by throw strange glances your way,
and you tell them they’d understand,
if only they took their shoes off too.
They do not know the softness of pine needles under bare toes.
They have no connection with the ground under their feet,
it does not speak to them how it does to you.
I love the way you sing with your eyes closed,
focused on the sound of the drums, the sound of that ancient heartbeat.
The language sliding off your tongue a victorious cry
that we are still here, and we haven’t forgotten.
They may have tried to pry it from our lips,
but songs fly up from your lungs, like sparks from a fire
that is still burning strong.
I love the way you laugh, throwing your head back,
letting loose your joy into the air,
pollinating the space nearby with your hard-earned light.
The world may be a dark place,
but you cast that brilliance wherever you can,
and it gets a little brighter.
Damn, where has the time gone,
Time from which no man can run,
Memories outdated, used as pawns,
In this game involving everyone.
I gaze upon waters that shine no more,
Gaze with eyes fixed upon your
Fallacies in which I use to fill
Empty holes inside myself.
Remember that you're not forgotten,
These memories and thoughts they drown me,
I'm fighting the current unable to breath,
Transfixed by long lost memories.
I don't cry for help,
Even when I can't breath,
In these waters I share with thee.