Why did you leave?
I let you into my mind.
You broke down the walls and gave me the tools to rebuild them but much stronger than ever
you left me here alone
I wanted to give you everything
you have left me empty
craving for that feeling from strangers in hopes they can reignite that spark you started
but I know deep down that will never happen.
till then in mind will that feeling be trapped in.
All these steps forward but it seems that i moving back
back to the beginning where I am doomed to be
Forever stuck on repeat.
Replaying every mistake and regret
the past that I long to forget
till I get over this will it stay on my shoulder shouting into my ear
drowning out my accomplishments and happy moments
it will find a way to embed itself into those memories as well
shout into my head until I even forget what love feels like.
My love come back into my arms!
If only you can see it isn’t that far.
Let me be there when you come too,
from this coma that has you.
You are in this whole I want to save you from,
But you keep pushing me away that I want this pain to be done.
My love, please reach out your hand.
I’m sure I will be able to understand.
Understand what you are going through and if not at least empathize.
I want to be your ride or die.
but as long as you keep pushing me away,
I know I won’t be staying.
This may sound cold hearted but I need to start thinking about me.
This toxic environment has led me to believe, that this is how love should be.
There are days I ponder the what if’s
I try to limit this mind game I put myself in, but it drags me back down from the future to the past.
The spiral starts to begin and it begins fast.
I torture myself for no good reason.
This headspace is what I feel comfortable in.
I stop myself before it progresses.
These spirals are reminders that my demons need to be fed, even though they only exist in my head.
I learned a valuable lesson, you must not keep them in the basement and left there to be forgotten.
They will find a way to lure you back in.
Keep them close and well fed.
Don’t give in to what they want you to do.
Remember they want to be let loose, they want to run around in your head untamed.
You must remind them that it is you who controls this game!
The moon holds all of my secrets.
It knows all of my weaknesses.
It has seen me cry more times than I can count.
On some nights I can hear it whisper back to me, "that one day it will be ok".
All this pain and suffering I am going through now,
Will just be part of the past and to live in the now.
I wish I could make it understand.
This pain is something I cannot comprehend.
I try to find the root cause.
I still end up getting lost,
In my own head and heart
This is insanity that is tearing me apart.
Yet I still stare up to the moon, and I let a smile come across my face,
Because I know that these secrets I confess to it will never leave this space.
I feel the demons dancing around my shoulders,
the weight of everything on them is hard to ignore.
I hope one day the weight will be lifted.
Wishing this pain will one day end.
The ongoing suffering, the constant feeling of loneliness, it eats away at my soul.
The real me is starting to let go.
my mind wanders to a place that it has seen many times before,
but it seems like this is the last, with that I am sure.
Certain that my soul will not return, my demons have successfully won this fight.
I am convinced that these demons were right all along.
Their voices convinced me I’m not enough.
Drowning underwater and I am exhausting myself to come up, up for air.
As I lay here writing this, I contemplate on ending it, ending the self-torture and pain.
I don’t want all my small victories against them to be in vain.
I will continue to fight even though my hope is very little.
If you are reading this, know they aren’t real.
Those demons don’t want you to heal.
Stand up against them as I will.
In hopes one day that they will disappear.
You said those magic words that give women hope.
You said them so easily,
you said them so naturally,
you slipped past the defense that I placed so carefully,
but in reality, you were slipping away from me
You swore to be different.
You took my heart and you killed it.
I gave you the heart that took so long to repair,
for you to only drop it on the floor without a care.
You asked me to trust you and I did.
Like an idiot, I fell for everything you said.
I wished upon stars that this love wasn’t going to end up like the last, but you never wanted it to last.
You walked away leaving me to pick up the pieces of my trust and heart.
I want to talk to you, but you are too far gone for my words to reach you.
I have so much to say to you, but I’ll just write it down on this paper.
You don’t deserve to hear what’s left of me
I’ll keep you in my mind to remind me that pretty words are always spoken on snake tongues
— The End —