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And the sun is rising.
A crisp winter dawn is giving birth to this great city.
Rays of light kissing one way signs with promises amidst the building chaos.
The ear-spitting labour song gathers momentum and breaks into a cacophony
of horns panting, rails screeching, breaks shushing,
crowds pushing, rushing to the sound of can I get a hoagie?
a bagel, black coffee, eggs
scrambled into the pulsating clouds
light with smiles and heavy with the fuming of exhaust pipes
contracting to the crowning of car bonnets and head lamps and taxi cab signs
dancing in a place, to a pace and a rhythm constructed, conducted
by a lone woman in blue with benign brown eyes
leading a symphony of brake light beating, feet pounding, bus groaning,
venders sighing, newborns crying, school bus squealing,
pedal revving, fingers drumming, foot tapping pedestrians building
to erupt in a crescendo of a man asking to buy a cigarette for a dollar
and refusing to accept it for free.
To a heavy building door held open by a New York giant inviting me in;
welcoming me to the raw, ragged, rich, beautiful carnage
of the afterbirth.
The great escalation of feeling and love
can never replace the jarring, falling feeling of disappointment.
 Dec 2013 dreadfulmind
Sir B
I have this feeling again
in myself that
"If I do finish myself,
A lot of people can be happier,
they can get through their day
better and wont have to deal with
my sadness."

Just this feeling tells me that
everyone i know of..
..is frustrated with me
and they want to lash out
but they know what could happen
so they are keeping their emotions stuck
inside as well

I also know about the amount
of bull crap and swearing
that I get for not listening to someone

and also the amount of respect
that I had

Wait.. Did I have any in the first place?

If i did...
..it doesn't vanish in a day now
does it?

People want me segregated
to be with the person of their choice
or for the person to be with them
and, I am told to move myself
because of inadequate space.

Since when did I become so bad.
That. I have no value.
WHEN!!!??!?!?

*Note: This poem was written a while back, I am currently out of depression.
Just my depressed emotion. In math class, there are groups. I was at a seat and then the "intelligent" kid walks in. The table I am sitting at, kicks me out to make room for him. After he refuses their offer. I am told to get myself back to my seat. Like what now? Am I that low?? That you dont have trust in me? You think I am not as good as him? Just, depresses me. I already am depressed. I cant cope with the feeling of being a 'cheap' replacement for an "intelligent kid"
Emptiness staring back at me, not of the paper but my soul indeed.
Shaking hands try to come up with something, an idea to pen down atleast.
This vast emptiness scares me the most for, devoid of my creativity
I'm just like the others, so incomplete myself. An entirely faceless entity
I always turn to this paper and pen, in hope of letting myself flow
Because this plain God doesn't judge when I thus let myself go
When you write, you write down a part of yourself. A part you never even knew existed
And what happens when you don't know what to write of? You're limited, you're restricted
I write not to impress. For I know my musings are hardly worthy of praise.
But it's how I complete myself when I connect to the paper in such unnatural ways.
So, I write, I soar, I fly. This is how I dance
And now and then, ever so lovingly, I give my soul a glance.
forever coded diaries since I found trust lost on her and him. I hate that the only people willing to listen to me are getting paid for it or beside me in purgatory. don't assume I'm being over-dramatic; I'm not saying my wounds hurt the most, but understand me: deal with half the **** I have & then walk a straight line again.

I am the one who dies a little every time I wake up & realize I'm exactly where I laid myself down. I am the one who breathes corrosion, feeds distortion, bathes in corruption. I straddle fences & hem and haw, biting nails & wraps arms around legs to hold self together. I am the one who cares so much I cannot care. I am the one that uses each breath to fuel my obsession with asphyxiation. I am the borders of the spectrum I see the symmetry in opposites, I pause on polarities. the Yes! Sure. Why Not? I am the moment & I wish that I wouldn't have to live in it. I am the lifter, the sorter & sifter of things my parents over looked or over turned.
Quiet hours,
You will always be my wildflower.

"I am the one..." journal entry exercise (edited and partially rewritten later)
The words rushed out
I had no control
I never really meant them
But I didn't want to see that hole

The hole that is caused
When you resist and don't speak
When you don't say what they need
And leave that trembling silence so bleak

I hate when that happens
When the silence gets too loud
So I spit those words out
And for that I am not proud

I wish to say what I mean
Not what you wanted to be true
Now I live in regret
And lost sight of what I knew

The truth can be hard
Harder than all those easy words
When they pile up high
And tower over the birds

Soaring over your head
Threatening to crash down
And expose you for you
When you can't afford to have them around

There was part of me
Who wanted to live that lie
Who wanted to become those words
No matter how they left me blind

I am grateful though
Living in my regret
For now I am free
Free and able to someday forget

So goodbye easy words
I wish you well
You tumbled out so freely
When it was too soon to tell

Goodbye, goodbye
Farewell to you all
I am free and ready
To brace myself for the fall

I will suffer and agonize
If it all means well
That I can move on from those words
And never again yell

I will never say those poisoned words
No matter how tempting
For they lead to destruction
And only left me empty
I'll show you what love is
love is the scars he traced into your skin
  love is the ***** you expelled in your haste to forget
   love is filthy
Love is ***** like the socks you left under his bed,
love is rotten like what's left of what was
  love is the way you turned around and walked away
so as not to show him your tears
Love is the first tear that fell,
the last tear to drip
love is the blood spilled
over him
  love is every word the pen has scrawled
about him
   love is in your dreams,
awake or asleep
    love is the martyr
that brought us no relief.
Face to Face with
Anger and Discouragement.
Constantly rejected,
Fueling rage.
The cycle continues--
             Eruption.
             Calm.
Then--
             A fissure.
             Pressure.
             BOOM!
Destruction is at hand.
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