i use to think that the world was my oyster
until I remembered that i am as important
as i am useless.
the sun doesn't color the sky for my pleasure
and the air sure as hell doesn't arrive for my survival.
the universe still gives me reasons to be alive
but it doesn't give me the reasons why i should live.
theories upon theories
suggesting that one isn't cursed
to anything immortal
while another suggest that
the endless stretch of the universe
was made for absolutely nothing.
it is human to seek for meaning
and it is human to accept the impossibility of finding any.
but the glass will always be full of something
and maybe in a year or so, i'll be sure of this.
for now, i'll let the air speak
"it will be fine."
the smell of this place
will soon fade at the back of our minds
each thought & memory
will soon be broken into uncompleted lines
one day we will find our feet back
walking the ground where you first fell in love
touching the halls that are now a different hue
to see if they've forgotten you
tales of fairy & lore
will soon be covered with dust
your firsts and lasts
will soon all be eaten by rust
the place of our childhood
though many years have grown
its ceilings may decay
but it will always love to be your home
the trees may bend and left forgotten
hidden behind tall buildings & lampposts
most of what you left behind
will soon all be ghosts
familiar faces with unfamiliar scents
they wont expect you to stay same
tight bonds will melt into loose ends
and they will forget your name
my name isn't carved into something historical
all of this will be washed by the rain
how bittersweet it is
to travel down memory lane
you belong to you.
nothing fits better
in between your fingers
than your own
fall deeply in love with yourself.
every inch of your body
is painted perfectly
to represent a masterpiece that is you
your body is a temple
built only for those
who'll look at you
as if you are the whole universe
lovers may pass
and chances may knock
but the cells that compose you
aren't ready to share you yet
different hands may grasp this skin
and various fingers may hold this heart
every meter of my flesh
will always belong deeply to me
you are yours,
i am mine
the key to our heart
is placed at our own hands.
There are countless of things that the previous year has taught me. From how to travel to the city on my own to picking ears to whisper on. It introduced me to beautiful people, mesmerizing places, and hard fights. Confusing and nerve-racking moments which leads me to learn a few things that I shall carry with me to the years I will exist in.
1. It is okay to get bored of something you enjoyed for a long time. People change. My bones and skin continues to stretch and sometimes, some qualities & likes are left at the bottom of my feet. I can be completely different from who I was 5 days ago. Life never runs out of things to teach you minute by minute and you are not expected to always stay the same.
2. Never be afraid to meet new people. Whether they have a beautiful or horrible effect on you at the end of the day, you will be so glad you had them and continue to have them in your life.
3. I do not need validation and justification from others to know that I matter. The biggest love that I can receive is the love from myself. No one can ever understand me more than myself. I am a complex anatomy that only I can fully understand. I do not need a partner to carry me through life. I should carry myself. I know myself the best.
4. I am not an exception to being toxic. More often than not, I cannot see the effect that I make on other people. I can hurt others just as much as others hurt me. I learned that I should always be considerate of their feelings.
5. Coffee will never leave you alone. Through sleepless nights and buckets of tears, coffee has always felt like home in a cup. With every sip, I feel my body fall back into place and function properly again.
6. Love will come when it's time. I've always been impatient when it comes to love. I was always so envious of my friends who has sweet partners that would put a smile on their face. I wanted that, I wanted romance. And when infatuation came, I misunderstood it as romance & grabbed it fully. Then, it faded away and I was left wondering if I was that easy to get. True romance shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. It will come and when it does, you will understand why the past was tragic.
7. He may or may not like me; either way, it doesn't matter. So I like this friend of mine and by the time I read this piece again, I probably don't like him anymore. He understood what you were, he just did. He found joy in discovering the comets and planets inside of me. I don't blame you, self, for falling in love with him.
8. Just write. When something fails, write it. When it prosper, write about it. I always had the fear that one day, I will lose my ability to write again. I am still unsure if any of these musings mean something to me but I hope it means something to others. I will always leave my poems without an meaning because it can vary from reader to reader. Whatever the poem made you feel, that's its meaning. To make you feel something.
There is no doubt the coming year can be worst or better than the previous one. There are so many things to learn about someday. That's how life is, you suffer then you learn. And it's never gonna stop teaching you. Seize the year, folks.
I told myself to write forever so that you will find every word that I've included in my poems about you in every place you'll go. For the past few months, the air around me lingered with nothing more but the memory and essence of you. It haunted me for so long & I don't think I could ever get rid of your essence completely. Every night I struggle with the hand of guilt that chokes me and the only way for relief is for me to admit vocally that everything that happened between us was all my fault. There were countless nights that the image of you runs tirelessly in my brain, keeping it awake. And just like the poison that you are, you release the dangerous chemical that makes me believe that I'm not tired yet. I struggled to get you off of my system, I struggled so hard that I found myself at the edge of the rooftop. The things that I wish I had said echos in these four walls, bouncing back and forth but unlike the normal echo, the volume increases the more it hits my ears. For days, I did nothing but destroy my body because I thought I wasn't beautiful enough for you. It's always my fault, isn't it? I guessed I charged up too much negativity in me that it radiated out of my skin.
I've grown a friendship with the moon and the stars from the countless nights I spent hating myself. I hope the night lingers in your daylight and I hope the sun never bother to shine your way. I hope love and romance hurts so bad that you'll spend the rest of your night drowning in the thought that you'll always feel cold for the rest of life. And if someone did wrap their arms around you at night, I hope they'll be gone the next time the moon rise. I hope my words gets plastered at every wall you'll set yours eye upon and I hope each line chokes you until the only way out is to verbally admit that you were also wrong. I hope the clouds will never be in your favor and even if they did, I hope the sun while shine so bright that you'll finally see your wrongs. I hope love walks away and slams the door.
I write these stuff so you stop listening to only yourself. I write these stuff so you hurt and you learn. This is your torture.