Soak me in the honey
of your *****
I want you to come
here with me
I want to drown in your sweetness
and look up at the stars
see the miracle you are

Let me hold you down
as you pull me in
Partake in this sin
with me

Baby, you and I
our universes collide
one big explosion
maybe two
maybe more
more
more
more

When you retire
exasperated
I'll keep you in this bed
of our love and our sweat
let you catch your breath
before I dive in again
and again
and again

You are soft and warm
and wet
I don't want to end this yet
Insatiable, relentless
Breathless, helpless

Your legs around mine
Your back on my chest
Maybe this is the best
night of your life
until tomorrow comes
again

this is for you
•if you're still learning to love yourself
•if you have no idea why people choose you
•if you are anxious and overwhelmed because they said everything's gonna be okay but it just doesn't feel that way

-------
My mama said,
"Do not give them everything. Leave some for yourself. Do not give a hundred per cent so that if they break your heart, you are not left empty."

and so..

if I offer you only 50%
of the Love i have left to give
and keep the other 50%
so I can Love myself, too
will you still take it?
will that be enough?

if I put myself first
and then those I loved before I met you
and only then have time for you
will you still stand in line?
will you still say,
"I'm just happy you are mine?"

if you see all my scars
and my bruises that are still healing
will you still think me beautiful?
will you understand?

if my world starts to unfold
and you see the risk you are taking
for being crazy for staying
for being dumb for believing
in a future worth saving
will you still point forward
and show me the direction
towards
the house you've built for you and me
made of promises I've heard before
of dreams I've woken up to
of hope I have forgotten
and of Love that I no longer trust?

if the 50% you're getting means
the chaos and the mess of my past
and the tears you have to wipe away
and answering the same questions everyday
"do you still like me?"
"do you still want me?"
"are you still there?"
will you patiently say "yes"
over and over
until my anxiety is no longer
the the first thing I wake up to?

if I listen to my mama
(and this time I will)
will you take just the half I can offer
and make it your own
perhaps it'll grow bigger
like a seed that needs water
like a flower in the winter sun
waiting for spring to come
so that one day we won't have to
quantify how much I can Love you.

There she stood
still
despite the chaos
despite the buzz
despite noon time rush.

Placid alongside
the humdrum
the mundane
the same thing
over and again
over and again.

Day in, out
she seeks for reason
some meaning
some place
someone
something or other
to faze her
to move her
to take her
back to living
and not just
breathing.

She asks herself:
What good is surviving
the the struggle and pain
if she spends her days
for nothing
but ceaselessly hoping
for anything to happen
or at least,
to once again feel?

This is what I told her:
Sometimes the way out to depression
feels like becoming a whole new person
but this phase will come
and go
and so
embrace the process of healing
take your time and believe in
yourself and the waiting
will soon be over
and you will start over
another day
another chance
so wade in this circumstance
this inevitable consequence
of losing yourself
and then finding it
again.

Oh how morose is this prose I penned in my solitude
How completely sullen the sudden waves of words I pieced together.
But how so? Why am I so endlessly sombre?
Is it just my innate self, or perhaps caused by another?

Truly, it's in the absence of constant and prolonged affliction
that I've begun to see the questions and flaws of my current situation
Oh how unfortunate it is to be awakened only at this later time
but time heals and I know, I know it shall heal this heart of mine.

I did not know this was possible: to be in 2 places at the same time. I am here, still here but my heart is elsewhere. I am here, staying here but my heart's packed up and left a long time ago. My body sleeps with him at night but I look the other way. I have looked the other way and lied to myself for years and years, blinded so foolishly by a love so strong it ruined me. The truth is always the hardest pill to swallow, but I need to face my demons and the secrets I've kept if I want to move on. I am in 2 places at the same time. First, I am where I have to be-- a place that beckons me to stay and be strong and forgive over and over again. Second, I am where I hope to be-- a place of peace and contentement and if I'm lucky, maybe joy. The mind is so strong that it allows one to endure great suffering through unwavering willpower. How do wrongly incarcerated persons survive decades in prison? It is the idea of freedom and faith in justice that keeps them sane and alive. It is the hope that one day, their truth will come out and their liberty served that empowers them. This is how I feel. This is how I'm still alive.

in a parallel universe,
together-- you and i
we get high.
-
you and me
we're meant to be
in some other reality
-
my deepest secret is this
the long gone bliss
that I'll forever miss
is your gentle kiss
-
in another world's dimension
without any hesitation
me and you
we made it through

And I,
for the first time
in a very long time,
heard the birds sing
and felt the wind against my face
and only had one thought:
"This life is so beautiful."

And I,
for the first time
in a very long time,
allowed myself to breathe
and let go of my worries.
And I looked up at the sky
and it was so clear.

Clearly I,
for the first time
in a very long time,
loved myself
and chose myself
again.

--
There are so many words to describe me,
none of them is B.A.M.E.
I've got a foreign name, exotic.
Try to read it before you modify it.

How long have I lived in the UK because
my English is so good, where did I learn it?
My accent is American, it's confusing.
or my accent is too Filipino, quite embarrassing.
How can we come from so far
and be so fluent-- so bizzarre.

My rice cooker is an enigma,
more so the amount of rice I eat, huh?
My spoon and fork don't make any sense to you
But your table knife achieves nothing for me, too.

Why do we dye our perfect black hair?
why do we want our skin to be fair--
why don't we just embrace our God-given tan?
Your president seems like a smart man
Fighting your country's drug war like no one else can
Lastly, "are you a Manny Pacquiao fan?"

It's quite difficult to be a P.O.C.
in a world that doesn't understand our P.O.V.
Why we've immigrated and not always assimilated
Why we've flown thousand of miles away from home
Only to stick with our own
but sometimes there is just some comfort
in not having to explain the way we are
or who we are
and why we are
the persons we are
without having to feel subpar.

I wasn't sure what my life was for until you came along and made me understand what it means to live fully and love unconditionally.

To my daughter,
I'll carry you
for as long as my arms could bear the weight of you
and your beauty
and your wonder
and your burdens
and your flaws
and your joys
and your tears

and I will be here
as your mother
and friend
and teacher
and confidante
and your safety
and your home.

I love you. I love you immensely.
I love you with the new life you gave me.

I would like to take your heart and coddle it.
I would like to hold you close.
Your tears should only serve to water the flowers that grow from your soul.
I'm sorry that it's so difficult,
this life you have to survive--
but I promise you,
better days are coming.
So please,
don't ever tire of shining.

done with the violence
done with the pain
done with the same shame
over and
over and over
again

done with the accusations
and the suspicions
done with the same lies
in different forms
and messed up versions

today you said you're sorry
you said you love me
you always will
but who knew a love like this
could somehow ****
the passion
the trust
the ways that I
thought I knew you
were loving me the same way
I did
with my whole heart and
my whole life

my whole life
is unrecognisable and I
can barely tell which truth to believe in
because how can you ever deceive
someone who stopped their heart beating
for you
how can you destroy someone who
took you in their arms and
went ahead and said,
"stay here, you belong in the home
inside my heart
I built only for you."

done with late night crying
finding myself imagining dying
as a way out, an escape
done with blaming you or me
for the choices I keep on making
done punishing
myself for the mistakes
that you made
because I made the same mistakes too
as if the path to forgiveness is repeating
the ways we've hurt each other hoping
it will just stop to hurt
at some point

it's like you and I
Or mostly I
have to tiptoe around landmines
Afraid I'll discover more crimes
afraid I'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time and
careful I don't set off the time bomb
that is called Our Relationship

when heartbroken poets make metaphors
about wounds and battle scars
I wonder where mine are
because I've been through this same war
fought it and won it and lost it
for years and years on repeat
and yet I have no marks to prove it
so maybe not every victory is a celebration
and not every survival is the ending of the story
and not every abuse leaves a bruise
and here I am still writing
wondering about my own story's ending

when darkness comes and i can not sleep
my mind lingers
and brings me to
you
only you
always you

how can i find the closure i so desperately seek
when the only answers i need
are buried 6 feet under

how can i utter
the apologies i never said
when the person I've wronged
is no longer living

how do i move on
from memories that haunt me
when the reason I'm still breathing
is because the same person once told me

"Look at the silver lining, ******. You'll be okay."

she's narrating the way
she's falling apart
with every word
they call her art

she called for help
they called it
poetry
can anyone ever separate
metaphor
from
reality

so she smiled instead
she was pretty instead
there was color instead
she was alive instead

they pat her back
well done
good work
relatable content

meanwhile she
is actively dismissing
the intent
to pack up and go
to quit and say no
to end it and skip it and leave it
so she penned it
posted it and shared it

if the only way
to break away
is this creative escape
she'll take it
any day she'll fake it
just to find a reason to make it

the sky was the bluest it has ever been this morning
and it puzzled me how the temperature raised from 18 to 30 overnight

i turned in bed, as always you were drooling on your pillow
and i stretched my arms, it was green and purple and yellow

i always knew you were funny, had me laughing since the first day
you always had a punch line,
last night the punch line was my face

your audience was my body, your stage was this bed
your applause were my tears and this is what you said

"i love you but you're too sensitive. stop crying," you said
while your knees were on my shoulders, a pillow over my head

"you hurt me. you ******* hurt me," you said
as you spat on my face, said you wish i was dead

i always knew you were strong, with arms that made me feel safe
last night i discovered what it meant to be *****

I wrote this poem for you
Knowing you'll never read it
I tried to rhyme my pain away
Knowing you'll never heal it

I start my day with you on my mind
Knowing you'll never be mine
I end my day trying to dream of you
Knowing it's the closest I can get
to feeling your warmth

I hurt myself now and again
Believing I will one day matter
Only to be dismissed too easily
Too small, too uninteresting
Not your type

Maybe tomorrow I'll realise how to stop measuring my worth
Based on how much time
and effort
and attention
you give me.
Maybe tomorrow you'll stop
being the subject of all this poetry.

this is my apology for the way

my words are colder than my hands that refuse to be held

my body is tougher than my heart that needs mending

my mind is unhinged, now more than ever.

I flipped through pages
of the years I've spent
in the arms of lovers who
promised me the sun and
the rest of the stars,
and with each turn I saw
the way I changed for you
and him
and him.
I confess, I swore you'd be the last one.
I confess, I prayed for you to come.
And you did.
And he did.
And he did.

I searched for you
In the crevices of my mind
Where I hid your songs
and half-meant promises
Forgotten and forgiven
Long ago forsaken
The hateful things I had in my heart
Only to undo the tears and wine
I drowned in
Only to exhume the bones I buried
When you left me
Now I find myself misshapen
My brain all the more bruised
Trying to recall the softness of your being
Thinking I shouldn't relapse
Into the addiction you gave me
But I am helpless in this war
Against my own will and sense
Because despite the scars and the beating
Of my heart when you hurt me
You were the only one
Who made me feel
Alive.

Time
It stops
When I'm with you

The clock
It slows
As I miss you

Forever
Too short
Now I know you

And when I think of you
I feel good about myself
And it doesn't matter if I'm broke
Or if 3am makes me sad

Because when I think of you
I am proud of myself
And it doesn't matter if I'm a mess
Or if some things can't be fixed

As I think of you
And realize all these
I fear for my life

I can't contain these feelings
Or cage them in my heart

So here is my ink, my blood
My skin made of paper,
I surrender all that matters
Please
Don't come to me with matches
Or with the fire in your soul
Because I easily burn.

There is a man who ends his sentences with proper punctuation
the kind of man who has no trouble with pronunciation
His library is filled with varied nonfiction & fiction
His words are refined, only of the highest selection

His days are spent buried in books
Hours upon hours in his quiet nook
The window beside him he never cared look
Adventures and travels, he never took

Content was he with pages endless
His imagination wild, free, limitless
No need to step out where he was defenseless
Words upon words were enough, he says

Of course in time, this man grew old
His only regret was never being bold
Never knew the world was the biggest book he could hold
No stories to tell, only stories already told

1) I forgive you for that one time you slammed the door on my face and made me feel like I was stealing your air and I choked you.

2) The last time you held my hand was when you asked me if the ring still fits because you don't wear yours anymore since you've lost 45lbs through hard-earned sweat and VHS tapes of sugar coated promises

3) The pillow next to mine remained cold and unturned on nights you had to meet deadlines or run errands until 4am

4) It was so obvious.

5) It has always been so obvious.

6) I no longer knew the color of your eyes because you no longer looked at me when we talked-- if we did talk, that is.

7) I still made sure your coffee's the right amount of "Please don't leave me."

8) You sent me a text that said "I love you, Sam" and my body turned into a pile of dust blown away by question after question after question.

9) Sam. That ***** who stole you from me. Sam. That ***** who ruined my life. Sam. That *****. That *****. That good for nothing *****.

10) I forgive you for that one and final time you told me it was over because our love has already faded into wishful thinking and a closet full of secrets I don't even want to hear.

Oh! and 11) I forgive myself. I forgive myself for allowing my own heart to be repeatedly beaten with lie after lie after lie. For letting you think you had your arms twisted around my neck, for believing that I needed you when all along, all along all I needed was knowing that I deserve everything you never gave me, everything you never told me, and everything that you never will be.

If he did not matter
And I did not care
Why does his voice echo in my head
On sleepless nights

Mornings cold, sheets unmade

If he loved me so
And I did not want him at all
Why can I still see his smile
Every time I look up at the clouds

Sun blinding, skin pale

If it was my choice
And his heartbreak, his loss
Why do I find myself
Writing these lines today

Clock ticking, time slowing

If I am unhappy
And he is long gone
I know for sure I'm stuck here
Regretting, longing

I thought I was the one
Who got away
But clearly,
He's the one who got away
With my heart.

Through my neurosis
And impulses
Through my absence
And my lapses
Through my slipups
And my mishaps
You stayed.

And so...

Through your dark days
And your wrong ways
Through your weakness
And your sickness
Through your losses
And your heavy crosses
I will stay.

*I promise.

Warm thighs
Cold nights
Empty bed
Tears shed
Dry hands
Feet untangled
Messy hair
Lips bare
Nervous sighs
Hungry cries
Skin untouched
Fingers unlaced
Moans unuttered
Thoughts cluttered
Wandering soul
Time slow
So slow

This is where we are now
You, holding my hand
And me, holding my breath
Uncertain, unknowing
Uneasy, uncaring
Together, we swim onwards
Drifting ever closer, closer
In this ocean, open water
Finally, *finally.

As I breathed life into your soul
I found myself hollow
Emptied of the zeal I possessed
Before you came
And crossed the narrow bridge I built
For the one brave enough to fall
And you did.

Yet I still feel deserted
As if your coming signaled my sanity to leave
As if you took every last molecule of passion
I have left
And gave nothing in return.

I have so much Love to give
I kept telling myself before You, before Us
And I gave it all

Or threw it all
Away.

I've been collecting dust on the corners of my lips
Until the day you touched my
Hands, knees, shoulders, hips
Parts of me I kept in the dark
So no one can see how easy it is
To find me
And you found this
Mess that I am, that's left of me
And fixed it effortlessly
I allowed your existence
To staple itself into mine
Beautiful, tragic, perfect
Salvaged from my own anxieties
Cradled in the home you built with your arms
Around my waist.
I fell
I kept on falling
And you caught me, timely
Now I'm collecting stardust on the corners of my lips
Wishing you'd never tire
Of holding my hands, knees, shoulders, hips.

"Always"
Is an understatement
For the number of times I think of you

You see,
"Always" doesn't quite understand what it means
To wonder how your smile manages to lock itself
In my heart
And how your voice plays in my head
Like an annoying alarm clock
Whose snooze button I never even care to press
"Always" doesn't understand
The way I see you in every daydream
And the way I fit you into every metaphor
I could ever come up with

So when you asked me if always thought of you
I said, "No."

No, I don't always think of you
I don't have to.

You’re still;
You’ll always be;
A part of me.
The thought of you
hits the spot
like the first time:
warm and easy.
Your home
is in my heart;
custom-made
to fit you
entirely;
still.

Will somebody please break my heart?
I need to create something beautiful and tragic.

I want to write about bones breaking
Bloodless veins dried up after endless nights of tear-soaked pillows
Cold mornings that make you dread ever waking up, mornings that even coffee can't fix

I want to write about the agonizing pain of rejection
Of isolation and desolation
I want to write about the way you (hypothetic lover), effortlessly outshine the stars
And even more effortlessly, outsmart the mess that I am (a messy woman seems more dramatic)

I don't want gardens growing from my skin when you touch me
I want your fingers to create stories and scars I can't undo

I want your anger and your hatred
I need to create something beautiful
So that I can destroy it
So that we can destroy it

Will somebody please break my heart?
I'm running out of disasters to write about.

What if I was funny
What if I wasn't skinny

What if today I didn't think of you

What if my fingers didn't tremble so much
What if my teeth were less crooked
And my laugh was less annoying

What if today I mattered to you

What if everything was the opposite
Of everything
And the sun was brighter at night
And it set in the East

*Would you love me then?

Who cares if it's Monday and it's 2pm
You're on my mind and on my skin
You're gnawing at my bones
Eating through my brain
It's 2pm on a cold Monday
And I miss you.

I want you to be happy.
You deserve the best.

"You’re the best."

Well, maybe I am.
Totally.
But I can’t love you best.
That’s what I’ve been trying to say.

I can’t be there for you
As much
Even if I care for you
As much
Because I don’t want you
Like that
And I don’t see us
As anything else
But
Friends.

You deserve the best
Kind of lovin’
And between you and me,
That’s not happenin’

Your smile
never ceases to shine even when
ominous weather clouds
hover above us relentlessly.

Your presence
Is always warm and comforting,
And never do I feel so safe, so protected than
When I am in your arms.

And everyday,
Every single day,
your love for me
makes me whole.

And then I wake up.

And the cold, hard truth
hits me.

I can only dream of you now.
I can only wish
On all my stars
to have you again.

Because the stars
Have hidden themselves away
And your arms
No longer wrap themselves
Around me.
Because your smile
Still shines as brightly,
but it’s no longer for me.
And I know
that when you see me,
all you see
Is this girl who left you
in pieces.

I want to pick up
All the fragments of
you I left behind
and
make you whole again.

To make me whole again.
If only you would let me…

Your breath
on my neck
but our hands
have never touched.
Your lips
on my lips
but our eyes
haven’t met yet.
You’re in my life
but you’re in hers
too.
This dream
or nightmare
must end.

All the nights I’ve spent huddled
in the dark,
in this room,
talking to you ceaselessly
about dreams and nightmares
and The Killers
are the best nights I’ve had
"with" you so far,
so much better than
that night I lit my cigarette with yours
so much better than
not remembering holding your arm
because we were wasted.
I love your brain
more than anything else.
Word *****, you and I.
I wish we could be like this
when mornings come.

I am lost
for words
for feelings
for everything in between you and what could be
for all that cannot be.

I am lost
in your eyes
in this confusion
in this complicated mix of delusions and false reassurances
in my own dreams and goals.

There are still a lot of things I need to prove
to you
to everyone else
and most especially, to myself.

As quickly as the ocean's waves turn themselves in
And as nimble as the ballerina making her final spin

As timely as the spring flowers come to life
And as melancholy as tonight

As agile as the lion's prey
And as doomed as the words I could never say

I love you, I love you
With as much blood as my heart can take
With as much breath as my lungs can contain
and let go.
Infinite.

I love you, I love you
With as much width as these tiny hands can hold,
With as much as steps these feet can muster
Limitless.

I love you, I love you
With as much time as this universe has.
*Boundless.

Room 20: Emergency Room

She is lying there,
Barely breathing
With a heart barely beating enough
To keep her alive.
All the tubes, wires, and prayers
Are fueling her soul to hold on.
"Please, don't leave us."
And then,
The sound they've all been dreading.
The endless beeping echo of death
Resounding in a room full of
Regret, anger, and relief.
"She's in a better place now."

Room 22: Stroke

He keeps on saying
He feels better
Ready to go home
100%!
All the while,
His wife's patience is dwindling.
"I'm all he's got now.
I can't leave him."
They're 70 years old,
Married for 45.
45 years and a ruptured artery
A plaque on his heart
And a boxful of God-knows-what drugs
She still holds his hand
Even when her own heart
Is heavy.

Room 24: Cancer

Maria went through three cycles in past the months
Three excruciating cycles of chemotherapy
They tell you the anti-emetics will reduce the side effects.
When you're 65-years old
And all alone,
And cancer is swimming in your veins,
What else do you hold on to?
These are the side effects:
You lie awake at night
Wishing you lived a better life
Wishing you didn't shut everyone out
You should've married
You should've spent more time living
Instead of merely surviving
"You're a survivor."
But what good is surviving when pain comes with it--
The type of pain
No medication
Can take away?

Room 25: Beauty

I am a mother of two.
A boy and girl.
Beautiful
Is what they call me.
I'm looking at my daughter,
And..
And if only I accepted her,
For what she was
For what she wasn't
Then we wouldn't be here.
Tragic
Defiled.
I took her to the Dermatologist
To fix what wasn't broken
She injected her with chemicals
That would heal her
But a horrible allergic reaction ensued.
I should've seen how
Beautiful my baby was.

Room 26: Prostate

Everybody loves him.
Even all his 20 kids
Whose mothers he can barely memorize.
I honestly don't know how many wives he has.
I don't even know how many
He has actually married.
All I know is this:
I am his current wife.
At 71,
His body doesn't work right
anymore.
At 31,
I have needs
He could no longer meet.
But I love him.

Room 27: Not For Admission**

I am dark & desolate
I am hungry
For souls that need shelter
And tears that need hiding
I've seen enough deaths to even care how I'd look.
My paint is almost drying up,
My walls are almost ready
I can't wait for the next story.

If you'd let me,
I'd take your heart out from the cold
And warm it with my hands
Just so you'd know how
You make me feel alive
Except when you look at me
Because that's when I die
Altogether.

If you'd allow it
I'd tie strings on the sun and stars
And give them all to you
Just so you'd know how
You are the center of my universe
And I gravitate
Helplessly
Around you.

I hear ten… No, eleven.
Eleven different voices everyday.
I try to shut them up,
But it only gets worse.
They shut me up.
Until I can no longer hear my own voice,
Screaming, as I tell my friends about the man I see across the room
Holding a dagger, ******.
Smiling, with teeth stained with the flesh of all the people he hurt before me.

They tell me, "It’s all in your head."
But how can that be
When I feel it piercing through my skin,
Gnawing on my bones,
Eating up my brain?

Eleven.. No, six.
Six voices telling me I’m beautiful
In languages I was never taught.

They tell me to calm down.
"Breathe."
But what they don’t understand
is how I can never tell the difference
Between crazy and sane,
Reality and delusions

You held my hand one night,
And I knew for sure
*I was ******.

Roll the windows down
Because it's getting harder to breathe
With your mouth on my neck
And my hips on yours

Roll the windows down
Because it's fogging up now
And it's getting harder to see
Who's coming our way

Roll the windows down
So they can hear me scream
As you push me down
And I pull you in

I live for these stolen nights
With your arms, strong, around me
And your kisses, hungry, to feed me
Your voice, ecstasy, to calm me

But daylight is coming
It's too soon, I know.

We have to roll the windows up
I can't let them see me
In this stranger's car

The garden that grew on my skin the moment you touched me
Is nothing but a sanctuary of wishes that’ll never come true
and of dreams that need forgetting.

The colors I started to see when I first saw you
Are nothing but manifestations of my delusions.

In reality, I’m invisible
And all I see is you.

The nails on my heart
and the hammers and strings that beat it and pull on it
are the mixed signals you’ve been absentmindedly sending

But no, you didn’t mean to hurt me, did you?
Cos you have no idea the way your words sink themselves into my flesh.

*You have no idea.

He fell in love with me, but only temporarily.
He fell in love with me, but it was too late.

I fell in love with him, and it was too quick.
*I fell in love with him, and he’ll never know.