I'm not the talking type you know
(us men will understand;
the women have seen this
in their men)
and being the lonely bloke I am
I bought a parrot for company
and just two hours observing me
in my house
the parrot said to me:
*"We ought to talk more..."

so  it was the weekend
and I had no dates
nobody invited me over
(I suppose because
I never invite anyone over)
and so I stayed home
and by Sunday night
my parrot was telling me:
"Shut up, you
****** parrot!
Shut up, you
****** parrot!"


*Oh shut up, you ****** parrot!

my girlfriend moved in
but she left with a huff and a puff
when she realised the truth

the truth dawned on her
when she heard
the parrot repeat
after just two months:
"What's for dinner?
What's for dinner?
What's for dinner?"


she left; now it's just
me and my parrot again
and all my ****** parrot says now is:
*"**** you, parrot!
**** you, parrot!"

This house made of brick and stone,
glass and wood,
now crumbles to the earth beneath me.
But this house was empty
long before it was gone.

The people inside,
the people
the people
the monsters,

They ripped open their lungs
and filled themselves with smoke.
They  ripped open their veins
and filled themselves with poison.
They grew sickly and cold
with black, sunken eyes.
They starved themselves to the bone
until that was all they were.
Feet shuffled against dark-stained hardwood floors,
yet they never touched the ground.

Ghosts.
Ghosts who couldn't sleep,
for the darkness was no longer home.
Ghosts who couldn't breathe,
for all they inhaled was smoke.
Ghosts who screamed.
Ghosts who cried.
Ghosts who never made a sound.

Holding on until fingers grew limp.
This house was empty
long before it was gone.

you said
it doesn't matter anyway
it never did

you said
it didn't matter
if it was a week, a month, or a year
we wouldn't be forever anyway

you once said
you loved me
on a cold and dark night like this

you said  
it didn't matter

but baby
it matters *to me

Predictor - services: all types of future events
I have a genius for things that don't happen

I predicted the 1979 economic boom
in the Antarctica - no doubt it didn't happen
I predicted the end of the world
in 1987, and again in 1996
and not to forget 2010
and on various other occasions:
I have a genius for things that don't happen
I foresaw and declared
the skyrocketing rise in US house prices
in 2006 (but the Banks had other plans)

and now, for the record,
I predict with confidence
without batting an eyelid
Obama will be elected again
in 2016 as US President;
and about the same time
they will declare me
the UK's King in waiting

if your life is in a mess
you might want to engage me
to fix it with a prediction or two;
conditions apply,
and fees are upfront
and non-refundable too

Just give me a shout;
*I hear you wherever I am

"Daddy,"* says my 4-year-old
"There's a monster under my bed"
I laugh and I hum
an extended wooooo sound
and to amuse her, I look under her bed
"Daddy," says my 4-year-old under her bed
*"There's a monster on my bed"

I walked in to the University
I said, "Show me the library;
that's what I always want to see"
And they brought me into
The Hemingway Library -
and that had me drooling, that
they'd think of naming the place after
that famous writer, and a favourite

"That's amazing," I told my guide
"that so far away from the USA
you'd think of naming it after Ernest Hemingway"

"Oh no," said the guide, puzzled
"It's named after Andrews Hemingway"

"Is he a writer?" I asked

"Oh, sort of," my guide explained,
*"he wrote us a cheque for 2 million"

so I brought my writer wife
(prominently pregnant)
to the hospital
and on her bed, she screamed:
"weren't" "hasn't" "couldn't" "shan't"
"aint" "hadn't" "you're" "isn't"
"aren't" "didn't" "wasn't"
"who's?" "what's?" "he's" "she's"

The doctors were confounded
and they turned to me and they said:
"What the hell is she doing?"

And I replied with double speed
and a violent sense of urgency:
*"Don't you know?
She's having contractions -
she's a writer"