At times I wake up
Thinking why the hell did god let me see another day?
I barely pray.
Barely say “dear lord thank you, for blessing me”
Guess I have a purpose
28 years layin down feeling so worthless
Nobody’s perfect
I lashed out at everyone because inside I was hurtin.
Feelin so deserted - needing self glory.
Wondering every **** day
When I die, what was my story?
Was I gift? Sent here to help spread change?
Was I a monster? Sent here to help spread pain.
Maybe I was a non factor and just fell back
Maybe I touched a few hearts...while sadly remaining detached
I don’t kno what it is, nor can I ****** give anymore effort
This world is tough and everyday we all tryna to gain new leverage
I stop to see
What it was that was always in front of me
The open sea.
With endless possibilities…
I see my siblings and watch them go out and fulfill their dreams
I see my friends - growing up and accomplishing all they were meant to be
I see my mother - who pushes on when life gets heavy
I see my soul - who is uncertain yet, claims to remain ready.
But that’s life - it’ll always remain unsteady.
It’ll gas you up, lie to you and even act semi petty.
80 percent is how you react, while 20 percent is what you let in
I’ve let it all come into me - some would call me reactive.
Not many people enjoy you - this trait is not attractive.
Yet, I’m combative - for I am, the way I am and that’s that kid.
I’ve changed so much that I could’ve gotten into fashion
I feel I need a cause for the reason that I am who I am and I’m so tired of askin
God and I just don’t see eye to eye and he no longer understand why I need to cry
When I work out with my demons- thinking that I got stronger
Is it excuse that I wanna die young? Or can I not take it any longer?
Idk, don’t ask such personal questions until you walk a mile in they shoes
Don’t count your wins before your blessing or your destined to lose
Don’t say a rich man means having green in the money holdin machine...
To me success comes from the genuine love within a human being
Or does it.
I’m just tryna stay balanced on this uneven scale
Will I prevail or will I fail?
The clique so you chose the path you’d like to trail
You make the decisions that benefit
Even if they barely fit
Some sweat writing this ****
I’m nervous I’m losing hold and can’t get a grip
While sayin metaphors out these lips
Imma end this small poem here
Just tryna say don’t waste time on what don’t matter
You never know if you’ll see another year
Text someone you love - thank a stranger for holdin the door - tell the broken winged child they can fly and allow your heart to finally soar
Make peace with your demons - try your best to chase your dreams - to make change isn’t always visible - but the act of kindness & love will never remain unseen.

My mind
Whispers through the nighttime
Voices always keeping me up
Telling me I need to give up...
Cause lately
I’ve been in the backseat...to my own life
Trying to steer - and take control...but I don’t always know how to.
Is that alright?
For sadness is in our cup
And we tend to sip it slowly
What’s life worth...if everyone’s around but you feel so lonely?
No tears for the sorrow,
when we aren’t promised tomorrow
So why self indulge on our pity?
Attempting to heal our wild minds in this painful, structured city.
Searching for riches - to numb those who are morally poor
Standing up for those who are/were down, including myself...because I’ve been there and quiet frankly... I don’t wanna be sad, I don’t wanna be sad, I don’t wanna be sad anymore.

It’s been a while but wanted to write to you on better terms
Last time we spoke my life was taking a hard turn
Grew up a lot, learned sometimes its best to just let it burn
Nourish those who need the good in me their souls are starving ferns
I keep your memories because a good feeling is for good healing
Raise my hands up only to no longer just feel the ceiling
My vision changed and simplicity is way more appealing
Don’t need jump on people’s throats, take a breath and think about your core feeling.
I’ve made peace with your son - look what I’ve become
I face the things that challenge me,  no longer look to turn around and run
Life has its ups and downs but you’ve seen me through my struggles
Trying to lead my team but can’t always remember the plays in the huddle
My imperfections have sorta been corrected
Still need to be burn by the fire in order to learn my lesson
I found a new love, which is beyond a blessing
But I don’t feel I deserve it and that’s my own misconception
Gave up on being aggressive and showing off for the attention
I thank you everyday for your strength by the way...
That’s just something I needed to mention
You taught me I’m a product of what I go through
And even if they wrong don’t hurt them back just to help you

I gave up the drugs to numb my pain
I look up now but for the clear skies and not the rain
I don’t think I need to pull the trigger to help defuse my explosive brain
For the first time in my life I actually feel sane
The family good and seem more connected than ever
Feel we follow you and grannies policy of always keeping the family together
I’ve learned that I don’t need to escape nor think I don’t belong
Come around a bit more because my family needs me so we can collectively be strong
My past still haunts me and the demons remain strong
I’m working on letting that all go though and not trying to hold on.
That dark thought will sneak in and at times I’ll still ask for death
But I’m learning my purpose now and cherishing every single breath.
You’re the greatest man I’ve ever known and I miss you being around
The only man in my life I can truly say who’s never let me down
I thank you for your guidance
Protecting me from my internal violence
Learning to listen a bit more
You get the most out of others through your inner silence
That little boy opens his eyes now and is no longer hiding.
Finally appreciating my life, which is way more exciting.
Inspiration has come back, that’s why I got the chance to write you this song
Feels good to let go of everything I’ve done wrong.
****.
You taught me to remember when I get set backs
Been through the worst times to get the best back
Wish sometimes I could go back in time and give the low me a jet pack.
But...
You was right about it all, Im finally learning for myself
I hope this is someway a thank you for all your spiritual help.
Promise to keep spreading your word and only improving myself
Hope the angels take care of you until I see you myself.

"You don't just walk away when it gets tough babe! You work it out together when it comes to relationships and lov...tha...peerrrsonnn..." (her voice)

Yeah,
But I guess I was just dreaming
You see I wrote this first part weeks before the news
Because it was you - I still believed in
Regardless of the paid respects
You can't buy someone's love for any less
Can't clean up the previous mess
I was the problem when I had you at ya best!
(Dayum)
I hate the way you would avoid a text
The truth was between the lines
But the lies were all that were left
Thought I was drowning in your eyes but really it was just time for me to reflect
Ended things calmly but feel like I was just  in a vortex
Can't be afraid of goodbyes when hellos seem to be the hardest

Truth is I wish I deserved it
Asking all the time to see her only to get curved in
Silent treatment to someone who only tried to treat ya
Knowing her life was getting tough and I was trying to keep ya.

Tell me who was trying to push away who?
Maybe March 17th was the last time I really met you.
And I don't believe that the last time we spoke that was really you
Sometimes **** just gets hard and you gotta get thru.

(And I know you'll make it)

Can't give into love's strain and conviction
I hate that I love you...without the realization of my false contradictions.
Given up on me - yet, add another to the list
My mind boggles these days but not in the thought of you - but when things with us took a sudden switch
Crazy to think you give someone everything you got to just be forgotten
The way you handled those last few weeks were foul girl - spoiled rotten.

Why comeback only to leave?
To showcase who you "truly" are but only for yourself to see?
To reach out to someone who just can't be reached
This seems to be a pattern of one's personality
I don't need clarity.
The pen is loaded - the target is set
Why can't I pull the trigger!?
You quit on us and deserve the shots!
Why am I trying to be bigger!?
...
Cause I've learned a lot
Took some deep breaths
saw what was hurting me temporarily instead of making me feel blessed
This isn't shade
This is honesty and telling the truth of ones false reality
A lot of stars in the sky but figured you and I were the brightest in the galaxy

This letter to you is for you to see what you can do to someone when you make decisions based off emotions
Stop pulling the next person with you just because you can't swim in your own painful ocean
Let go of that anger
You're too pretty to frown
Let go of her legacy too - you won't make the same mistakes when you finally fall in love and pick out a gown.

Disappointment - for sure but you live and you learn
Need to stop holding on to the firey moments
Maybe that's why it's so hard to let these memories burn.
Lessons were taught and two people found growth within each other
Let's not pretend like we are rooting for us to simply find another.
Our bond was special
But the timing was off
We'll never know what could've been
And sadly that's our loss
I only want the best for you
And that's on my heart
I'd be lying if I said I saw the day wed truly fall apart

But

At times I wonder - when it all unfolded that day,
did I say all that I needed?
why didn't I beg you to stay?
Cause you loved the old me and I'm a different person these days.
Still hard to look at the woman you loved
And tell yourself it's time to walk away.

You wipe ya face quickly - put up a smile...and just go....(eachos out)

But doug wait...
Hol up let me quickly say my final word
If this piece ever reaches you i need this part to be heard
I love you to death and would re up with you in a second
If you were mad after reading this you didn't decipher the love from pain in this message
I pray for you all the time, hope you get all the good you deserve and tell god to keep you safe from any harm or danger
But I gotta leave ya on this final note
"If only we could go back again...and become strangers."

Thank you (echoes out)