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Nico Judd Oct 2020
Please, take a seat
This coffee *****.
Bro, I need a cigarette
They’re nice here. I heard they’re good
I make referrals here sometimes.

Please empty your pockets
Yes, even your shoelaces
It’s snowing. You can leave if you need to.
You don’t have to stay, you can go, ya know
I’ve driven past this place a million times
Blink and you’d miss it

Just through those doors
Is she staying for the assessment?
*******? Yeah
Benzos? Nah
What did you expect?
I didn’t realize it was so close

Family history of addiction?
Family history of trauma?
Oxys then heroine
Snort and shoot
Snort and shoot
Are you ******* kidding?
Why don’t you just tell him the truth?

Have you ever overdosed?
Have you ever attempted suicide?
Twice. The first time I was hospitalized.
In my car. No, I was alone. I have no idea. I came out of it myself.
Yes I’m sure. I felt my heart stop. I saw my body underneath me.
You never told me that
Why didn’t you tell me that?

Do you have a plan?
Will your insurance cover that?
It’s my mom. She has too many cats.
No, not her. She was the good child.
Why don’t you tell him about Grandpa?
No one came out unscathed.

He’ll be fine
Yes, there is a co-pay
Sometimes a lie is a weapon
I’ll buy you a Gatorade when you get out
Oh, you have inpatient psych, too
Here’s my card
Written August 10, 2020
Nico Judd Oct 2020
I’m not writing this.
I’m not writing this
because you’d never understand
And I don’t feel like
Feeling stupid

My chords vibrate deeply
when struck by the right person
Spit runs from my mouth
cooling cheeks in streaks of drool
I will not wipe away

You are many things
but you are not
that person.

Remote monochrome;
Colorblind critic;
Pale palette; and
Connoisseur of stale bread

You are pretty
and preserved behind glass
Every hair in place
Curtsy and bow
Curtsy and bow

And that is fine.
That is fine with me.
But not fine enough.
For me.

There are no words for
the shades inside.
Hues you couldn’t see
Even If I were to...
show this to you

There’s so much beauty in the circus.
But you’re the kind of person
who says they hate clowns
Because saying you hate clowns
renders you on the side
of the cool girl in school
(Because of course she hates clowns)

Don’t you understand?
Their performance is not the end, but the means.
The moulding of emotional clay
into a figure you should, but can’t quite, recognize

Shapes that catch you off guard
Stupid grey-brown lumps(!)
mocking the masterpiece you think you must be
Painted faces
parody the unblessed

So I won’t tell you this
because the main act scares you enough
Lifting the curtain
to this wild and unbound hyperbole
would get us all killed

Instead, I’ll stay
on the seedy side
of the canvas wall
and sing all the notes
that your ears cannot hear,

unmask that which is deeply unseen,
collide my vocal chords
with the calliope’s tinkering pitch
Shoulders unhinged and bouncing
like Shirley temple’s curls
on a soda fountain whim

Cuz I am everything all at once
and we are the freaks
who will sparkle beneath the canopy’s great haven
Throw our arms round each other
telling and showing and writing it all

Crying, with throats unbridled.


See me!
See me!
See me!
Written September 7, 2020
Nico Judd Oct 2020
Numb as a dentist’s touch

Cheek that is no longer yours
But flesh
for its own sake

A bitter resignation of nerves
burrowing deeper within
Retreating so that the mind buzzes
in compensation for temporary death
of once-thriving
somatic calculations

How can a poet reach authenticity
without lodging themselves
into the sticky net
of modern day tropes?

Of countless expectations
that swirl and batter?
Leech and deprive?

How can we embrace this world,
caress and ******
and then turn to the paper
Having never asked (known)
her name?

Not every poem needs to be an eighth wonder
Each line bleed majestic

But if the songs we sing
bear no impression of her searing beauty
Then aren’t we as traitorous to the senses
as the bludgeoning deafness
of Novocain?
Written August 17, 2020
Nico Judd Oct 2020
Lust is a fever that will not break
Gem set spied through the window
of a glistening storefront

I pace about, outside
pitching and heaving
palms damp and pulse high

fists crash
through thick and taunting glass
blood drips down my forearms
in sweet and sensuous punishment


High on this carnal criminality
Dizzy from the thrill of alarm bells’
whine and pitch

I swallow 48 karats of you
just to feel the luxury
of your heat inside of me

Warm butter silk to line my coffin
Risking decadence for
a little death

Romance has its fair share of thrills
but subversion is a horned god
I give worship to

Tend to me.
Tend to the parts
most boys leave undiscovered
curiosity kept in check by
‘what would mama say?’
‘What Would Jesus Do?’

**** me in the spaces without name
Baptize their thick slickness
with sounds that cannot be words
words that cannot be heard
gasps and
ugghhs and
tisk tisks

Come, my love
for civility’s sake
Come shock and disappoint them
just the way I like it

Sing to me in my ear
wrap your tongue around my neck
so that my ancestors sweat
from your
vile and ravenous intentions

Within this aching body
there are far dirtier places
than behind the ears
begging to be worked clean

Bite your lover’s lip
Render her wet with exhaustion
and bathe her cool again



I wrote a poem for you
while you were sleeping

Then crept into your room
to debut its dark
and lovely
Written August 17, 2020
Nico Judd Oct 2020
Daddy Nico is strong
Momma Nico is stronger

Daddy Nico is an emotional flight risk
Momma Nico will wrap you in her arms and rock you while you weep

Daddy Nico’s heart is behind glass
Momma Nico had to break it in order to live

Momma Nico birthed two children
Daddy Nico wept when they were born

Momma Nico keeps their ***** in line
Daddy Nico scrolls facebook while they play in the sprinkler

Momma Nico does dishes, washes floors, folds laundry, scrubs toilets, wipes spills, pays bills, dust.sweep.mop.clean aaaaand repeat
Daddy Nico mows the lawn, plumbs the sink, takes out trash, builds you a bike, hammers, strips, sands, paints aaaaand works hard to keep this ******* roof over your head

Momma Nico won’t cook
Daddy Nico don’t kiss no boo boos

Daddy Nico sips whiskey
Momma Nico gulps Rosé  

Momma Nico knits
Daddy Nico hits up strip clubs (and sometimes *******)

Momma Nico likes girls and boys
Daddy Nico realllly likes girls

Daddy Nico wears Carhartts and gets drunk in the garage
Momma Nico wears lingerie and makes you feel like a man
Written August 24, 2020
Nico Judd Oct 2020
Where are you, my daughter?
death has come to reclaim her own
eager to quelch this mother’s perfection
Seizure; as in the taking of

Death has come to reclaim her own
You, grabbed and shaken by the collarbone
Seizure; as in the taking of
this hungry heart braced to break

You, grabbed and shaken by the collarbone
C’mon, baby girl. C’mon wake up
this hungry heart braced to break
panic erupting softly from the belly

C’mon, baby girl. C’mon wake up
speeding now. Flailing limbs grasping at God
panic erupting softly from the belly
not fall, but autumn. not winter, but death.

Speeding now. Flailing limbs grasping at God
eager to quelch this mother’s perfection
not fall, but autumn. not winter, but death.
Where are you, my daughter?
Written August 24, 2020

— The End —