Those flowers spill out
Over the sides like your soul spills out of your clothes
Onto the floor in front of me
Where I watch in amazement because you're everything I've ever Wanted to be.
The smoke of your husbands pipe leads the way
Through the door past the kitchen
Into the room where you lay
With chickens and pottery
You tumble out of your chair
And I
Tumble into your arms as if
It was my birthday instead of yours.
I would drive a thousand miles to eat your humus and hear your words.

You have everything I've ever wanted to have.
Teach me.
I will bring you as many tall vases as you want.
Teach me.
I will bring will make you as many flower arrangements as you need.

I brought you two large pizzas.
You only asked for one small.
You never thanked me.

It made me want to drive home without wearing a seat belt.

You know chicken is a premium topping, right?

I miss lusting over boys who didn't want me back.
At least then I had an active imagination.
Now I feel nothing.
Nothing good, anyway.

I still reference you in conversations.
I still smell your flannels.
I wonder how soft your hair is today.
I kiss the walls of the shower just to hear the same pop our lips would make.
I wish I had endless pictures of your collar bones and eyes.
I wish I had endless access to your thighs and chest and that dot on your neck.
When I *** I say your name.
Your voice recordings aren't the same.  I want you to call and put me to sleep with your breath and I want this all without the repercussions.

I want you to be my friend.
And I want the benefit of you being my lover again.

****.
Eddie Eddie Eddie.
I'm just at this stop sign.
Minding my own radio stations and avocado smoothie.
Of course you pull up next to me.
Of course you look away casually.
Of course you're wearing a plain white tee.
And don't you look so good in it Eddie.
****.
So unfair.
My car is here and yours is there and
I'm trying not to stare but
How can I not be aware of my biggest crush? EVER?
With his blonde hair.
It never was fair how this black girl
Yearned for green eyes that never cared back girl.
While the sun is always on my mind
You come up sometimes and it's stupid.
"You stupid
****"
I think, sometimes.
Because she's little stupid-
The little girl who followed boys home.
The one who would wait for emails before we had phones.
The one who grew up and still doesn't know what the **** to do so she calls her mom in the parking lot asking for advice because she desperately wanted to follow him to his destination and learn everything about his day so she could better coordinate her outings in order increase her chances of seeing him again but she knows that's creepy and her mom says so too.
That girl, is dumb.
Eddie.
But you're dumb too.
You dumb ****.
No, you're smart and funny and so **** **** I want to **** my self.
I hate being so beautiful and so clueless that it goes to waste sometimes.
Eddie Eddie Eddie.
You make me really nervous.
So *******.

"That's all I can say"
You said.

I told you that was okay.
"No worries."
I didn't know what I wanted you to say...

Okay yea I did.

I am ready now
I knew I was ready when the words slipped from my lips driving home.
It wasn't the song that was playing, but  lines of a poem that I had not yet written.
The lyrical reminders that I am still smitten

By You.
You're still there.

I'm the in the library
You pull out my chair.
I need a parking pass
You pay for my fare.
In the day you're there and I'm aware that you stare at me but
at night

At night
I. Feel. You.

When the wind reminds me of how warm your presence can be.
When the door below the exit sign of the lecture hall opens and it is not you but the kind of girl I thought you would have wanted instead of me.

I stare at that door.
I stare at it and wish for ***** blonde and broad shoulders.
For sturdy hands that make the perfect holders for my heart.
I stare at that ******* door hoping that you will open it and everyone will wonder who you are and their answer comes when you grab me and give me that kiss long overdue.  

at night
On Tuesdays
I leave that lecture hall and return to my room.
And I stare at that door wishing for a flannel and green-hazel eyes.
I stare at my door praying to any god that for the night you come and make love to me.
For you to come and look at me like you did the first time and let me make up for all of the over-thinking. For all of the fear.
So you can teach me how to love you.

You don't have to stay till morning.
Just long enough for me to fall asleep in your arms.

at night
When the time comes for me to squeeze the sheets
I whisper your name.
Because I only want that pleasure from you.

I am afraid of loss.
I am afraid of being used.
And during the day I venture alone.
But at night I
only
  want
    you.

Relationship
You used to bring such longing for me.
Such hope.
Such solace that,
Once I obtained the contents of your letters,
I could be happy.
I could be complete.

relationship
What a different *relationship we have now.

relationship

GAH-     ****! Where did you come from??
I was just reading an article and there you were.
Sitting there.
Out of context of my constant thoughts, but I can't help but apply you.
I can't help but panic.

The word relationship. My new biggest fear.
The collection of the consonants and vowels that make up a vocalization for my soul anxieties.

Relationship
I cringe at thee.
Hours of pouring over videos, how-tos, books, guides, diy, people, you, me, him, her, them, we, us, future, communicate, self-love, expectations, desire, infidelity, falling in love, falling out of love, love, lust, true love, more self-love, thoughts, peace, gratitude, forever, temporary, fleeting, cheating, shame, truth, lies,
all in the ******* name of

Relationship

I could quit.

But how can you quit on someone
That is only eighteen years old
And has already based the foundation of their life on

you?

I must remain silent.  
As she sleeps on the floor of my room, surrounded by wet tissues.
I must remain silent.
Until she is ready to bring justice.
I must remain silent.
When my friend is ***** and is looking for refuge.
I must remain silent.
When the worst, most violent, horrendous, and personal crime is committed against someone I love.
I must remain silent.

I must remain silent.
Simply because:

She wants me to be.
And when someone you love has her wants disobeyed in the most gruesome way.
You must remain silent.
You must not tell the story that does not belong to you.

I miss the challenge
Someone to take me on
I miss heat- not warmth
Heat.
I miss wit and snark and sharp
Maybe even some deceit.
I miss lust.
I miss the simpler uncertainty.
Of whether or not they'd love me.
I miss the butter and the flies and the challenge of someone who dared to challenge me.
I miss maturity. I miss a man who would always be older than me.
I miss the hand I couldn't see leading me to what was never meant to be.
I miss being right when I wasn't supposed to be. I miss him.
I miss the power.
I miss the struggle.
I miss being small, trying to be tall.
I miss proving the excellence of everything I did.
I miss the praise from the audience.
I miss the ability to choose.
The ability to lose.
I miss the crew that always knew I was the ****. Hit or miss.
I miss the fire and the unguilty ability to tell a faceless name "no".

But I can't anymore. Because he's good for me.
I have to say yes.

I have no reference
No ability to see
If this is perfection
If you are the best one for me

Your gut is loud and confident
That I am the one you seek
But how can I know that
You are the best Fish in the sea?

It is not the present I fear
But the future I can not see
Will a random stranger suddenly come
And sweep me off my feet?

Will years of happy marriage thrive
For all eternity?
Or will passion wilt away for all
And split our family tree?

I want to be believe you'll always be my cup of tea and we'll get our happy ending.

I've returned to check up on my past.
Now I know that I have no idea was love is.
Never did.
Still kinda don't.

Guess I better find out.

I've got a problem.
A habit, really.
Of freaking out over my reality.

I wake up one morning.
Not feeling so great.
My stomach's in a knot and my heart palpitates.

I scream. I cry.
My whole world's in a wry.
Looking for answers on the internet.


But then.
Something happens.
He takes me outside.

And everything's not as bad as I thought it was.
Not bad at all.

I am surrounded by those who love me.
Yet I woke up this morning alone.
I don't know this feeling.
This lack of support.
I don't know how to cope.

My mind is plagued with doubt and fear.
Whenever the one I want to love comes near.
I cower from his pain, more so than my own.
Which is why I must handle this alone.

This bitter bite that's been leading to tears.
That has consumed my mind since New Years.
This lack of a feeling that I think I need.
That rooted worry that grows like a ****.

I want forgiveness for taking so long.
To have the time to right this wrong.
To start over and let my self fall.
To know that this wasn't worth nothing after all.

Peace is hearing Sinatra sing again.

I will let this happen.
I will wash all away.
I will melt into your body
as it keeps my mind at bay.
I will not over-think
I will not think at all.
I will simply enjoy it
let you leave me enthralled.
I will not question my feelings
I will not indulge the doubts.
I will let you remind me
what our love is about.
I will not weep anymore
unless the tears are of joy
or the beautiful fact
that you are my boy.

You make me want to be small again.
To shrink in size so that you may carry me
and wrap me up in your arms.

You make me want to be vulnerable.
To dream a nightmare so that you will hold me
and tell me it will be okay.

But the most beautiful thing
is that you don't need me to be small or vulnerable.
Because you do it anyway.

Hello, cute boy from my English class.
Who makes up secret handshakes and tolerates my laugh.
I thought you were common, simply sporty and tall.
But resent discovery shows that's not right at all.

Love blooms in winter, and I'm noticing some rain.
It begins to hail and snow when someone says your name.
I can no longer write poetry and my homework is past due.
My mind is too distracted with the need to talk to you.

So let us talk, my dear. Let us conversate.
Let's talk for so long we get to class late.
Today's a conversation but tomorrow is a kiss.
In your eyes I see the future and in your hands I'll find my bliss.

I lay in bed as we both text Kelly asking if we're doing okay.

Today, I want to say things to your face. I want to look into your green eyes and tell you that you're doing a fine ******* job.

Today, I want you to tell me that I am beautiful and that you won't leave me when my hair becomes curly again.

Today, I want us to be perfectly honest in who we are and love very second of it.

Today, I want you to hold me and tell me how interesting I am and that I smell nice.

Lips to ear, whispering something I need you to hear.
This is what happens when I dream of you.
You scare me with the reckless things you do.

Last night it was cigarettes.
I threw them on the ground and turned you around.
I knew you had more than the one pack I found.

I stepped closer and you held me.
My arms around your neck
You had your hands on my lower back.

I pleaded in whispers, "Tyler, please stop"
You said nothing, that's as as far as I got.

I remember your body, breaths easy and low.
Then I woke up, drooling on my pillow.

I want you to take care of me in every way you know possible.

You're growing fonder of me, I can tell.
But the position I'm in hurts like hell.

I love you.
I really think I do.
It may have always been there, or maybe it's something new.

We have nothing in common, you and I.
And to say I didn't care would be a lie.

We're just brown.
Together, in this white town.
That's the only reason you have me around.

You're cocky and scholastic.
genius and bombastic.

Capable of being more
Than the school system's *****.
I hope you discover all that life has in store.

I love you.
But I hate the things you do.

I don't want to be your mom.
I try hard to remain calm.
Even if I think this path is wrong.

You overt your eyes in the hall
And it drives me up the wall

Your dark hair and dark eyes.
The need for normal will be our demise.
Being brown friends is no compromise.

That's why I'm so ******* you.
Even though I don't mean to.

You're too busy with applications
And pursuing dull aspirations
You're lack of time for love fuels my frustration.

But for now I'll shut my mouth.
Let your plan play out.
I'll find other things for us to talk about.

Like how brown we are.

Could it be?
A once small crush might pine for me?

How pleasant that would be.
We'll have to wait and see....



If I **** it up again.

I cannot be seen with a pear.

Not in this environment.
Where opinions torment
And my affections lay dormant.

My view of you is tainted
What was once reasonable restraint
Is now repulsion and complaint.

I am sorry, dear friend.
But I cannot stand the sight of you.
I wince at the thought of what we used to do.

No more Frank. No more Dean
I want my memory wiped clean.
I cringed when I remember the times you touched me.

The smack of lips is the worst.
From my mouth profanities burst.
It is a shame to think that of my first.

It was pleasant at the time.
But I have to draw a line.
Now I bare the burden of these visions in my mind.

Your smell still lingers.
That stupid ring on your finger.
No wonder we were terrible swingers.

I can bare to text.
but I refuse to sit next to you.

I am sorry to say
Away from me you must stay.
I don't want to see you anyway.

I could never be seen with a pear.
Because I'm superficial and I care
About what people think.

No, it's not fair.

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving
You are all too deserving
Of a slap in the face.

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving
Not a slight bit discerning
And easy to hate.

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving
You'd better start learning
Before it's too late.

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving
Dreams of terrorists burning
Don't let them procreate.

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving

Jack Gerving the Great.

I barely know you
In fact, I don't know you at all.
But you're there
And you're running your fingers through my hair.
You approach me
Stare into my eyes
You're closer now
Place your feet on either side of mine.
Brush the lint off my leg
Move the hair off my neck

Stop touching me.

Never stop touching me.

Put your hand behind my head
Press my face against your chest
Richard knows it's bad
And I know she'd be mad
But I can't help but need
Babe, I can't suppress my greed.
Conversation is cheesy
But the passion is easy.

I want to you to think I'm different
And ignore the girls in the distance.

I thought of you in the shower and I hope you think of me.

I've liked many, I've liked a lot.
Some I remember, and some I forgot.

But you, my friend, have always been around.
To lift up my spirits and make me feel proud.

I wish for you to feel the same.
To see the value and honor your name.

When your sorrows drown out the praise.
I wish you to remember the happiest of days.

Help will be enlisted; help is on the way.
We will hold your hand when the demons come to play.

Even if all seems lost like the Battle of Trost
We will carry the banner, on which, your name is embossed.

I pledge allegiance to you, my friend.
You have a long way to go-

This is not the end.

Why don't I think you're hot?
Other girls do more often than not.
Thinking of you leaves my stomach in knots.
So why do I hesitate if I like you a lot?

I want conversation and car rides,
long nights of green eyes.

I want pastries with whipped cream,
text messages that make me kiss the screen.

I want belted Frank Sinatra,
followed by Moonlight Sonata.

I want gifts I can't afford
that you bought when you were bored.

I want to be calmed and collected,
defended and protected.

I want knowledgeable open-minds,
loquacious words to be defined.

I want my hands to be called soft
and looked at more often

I want my neck to be smelled
then my face to be held.

I want impressed parents,
please share your organic carrots.

I want admiring looks
over the top of Ayn Rand's books.

I want a loss of words
over a song that you just heard.

I want minor disputes
over ideas that don't compute.

I want you to continue to listen
when I question your decisions.

I want button-ups and bowties
that make you different from most guys.

I want time to freeze
and for you to always need me.

I want envious stares
from people who shouldn't care.

I want effortless chemistry
to attract me helplessly.

I want tension filled days,
say you want me with a gaze.

I want my back to be a painting so scandalous
you brush your lips up and down the canvas.

I want clean, boring sheets
to be livened with heat

that I provided.

I want you to be excited

when I come around.

It's Dahlia season.
The bulbs are in full bloom.







It's Dahlia season.
And I still don't have you.

Words are ****.
They make me want to rip a pillow with my teeth
Or marinate in a sensuous heat.
Where you'll be, sitting there.
Waiting to kiss my spine and touch my hair.
Tell me regaling tales of what you think.
Of what is rational or obsolete.
Worlds like Suggestive, Sarcastic.
Forlorn and Bombastic.
Makes my skin melt and heart palpitate.
I will no longer settle for those who are adequate.
I need substance. I need someone (you) to say.
That you're enamored and beg me to stay.
I want that learned passion that only we
could portray.

What I would give for your attention.
I would give a lot.
What I would give to not have to give
for me to be in your thoughts.

What I would give for your affection.
I've given it much thought.
I would return the pencil you gave me
which doesn't happen a lot.

What I would give for you to look my direction
Without you thinking someone else it hot.
What I would give for an emotional connection
that would occur more often than not.

            What I would give to know what to give
                                           because I know your love can't be bought.

Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you.

Why can't I keep you safe as my own
One moment I have you-
the next you're gone.

We have steps on an empty stage
That boy's got my heart in a silver cage.

Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I-
Crave You.


It's true.
                  I crave You.


Around his little finger
that boy has got me curled.

I tried to reach out but he's in
his own world.

This boy has got my head tied in knots
with all his games.

I simply want him more because he looks the other way...


Why can't you want me
like the other boys do?

They stare at me while I-
                                                             *Crave you

You know you're desperate when you start taking quizzes on the internet that tell you whether or not he likes you.