i have always felt that life is like a trap. i am trapped here and wishing i was never born. i have always felt like my mom is trapped too. that i wish i would never marry. so that i would never have a child and break the cycle of the curse that me and my mom have been given by universe.

marriage.

what is marriage anyway?
who would want that?

asked a 10 year old girl to her mom. mom only laughed. she said i was too young to understand. she always took the blame for everything happened with me and my brothers, for marrying the wrong man. i vowed to never know or even marry a man when i grew up one day ever since i met my dad’s mistress.

i hate marriage. i have always thought that it was a *******. marriage is a pretense. a cursed demand from family. or even something unnecessary. why dont people just have kids without having to bond a commitment with the fathers if they end up leaving too? why dont just live together without having anything attached? why does it need vows that are gonna be broken eventually?  

i have always hated marriage.
commitment.
communication.
promises.
weddings.
vows.
i have always been against it since kid.

i never would want to marry a man because i thought no one was gonna be good enough for me and my kids because i have always thought that men were always a trash like my dad.

i only did vows to my own self
i vowed that, i would never settle for someone, not in this life, not on this earth, or the next life i will live one day.

because marriage and love are *******.
they dont exist.
they are just an magination built up by people who lose hope and trying to look for something they can hold on to.
i keep telling myself.

but then everything’s changed when i met Gerard.

yes.

i met a man.
a great man.
someone who finally made me admit that deep down in my heart i knew that, i wanted to marry someone too. i wanted to meet a man who is not as ******* as my dad was. someone nice, and clean, and tidy, and smart, and good.
build a life together until we barely remember other people’s names but only ours when our hairs turn to grey someday.

but i was too naive and blinded by my childhood trauma that i couldnt open my eyes and see that i only was not lucky, back then. not every man in this world is the same like my father was.

and Gerard opened my eyes to that. it took a long time but here i am. finally believing something. finally putting a fully trust on someone, my very first someone. Him.

never in a zillion years i would want to marry someone. even i already planned living alone at my 60s with my hundreds of cats in a small house. because i was too hurt and broken by my own dad to ever want to live with anyone. and i knew that thing he did made me grow up fragile.

but on this day, i admit, i want to marry. i guess when you meet the one, your heart just knows. i admit, i want to build a life with someone. turns out living with someone you love is not that bad at all, in my head as i am picturing what my mornings would be like one day, waking up next to him. that cooking will be fun if done together with him. and kitchen is no longer gloomy when it rains and having cups of coffee in our hands talking about life when it’s cold.

and how movie nights would be so fun with us having arguments of how the end of a movie should be like.

how seeing his smile and laugh become my daily achievement since then.

life is not that bad at all, when i have him.

i realized that it’s not the marriage that has always been a problem, it’s finding someone that’s right to you.

thank you for always making me happy. making me grow. making me learn from my mom and dad’s mistakes and never make those a burden of my future life. for making me start believing something. for opening my eyes and understanding that these things happen for a reason. and my life has nothing to do with my parents' failure. my life is written alone and i make the decisions of how it should end.

and its not gonna be the same as my parents’ ending.

so i choose you.

loving you this much
makes me so happy

i can only imagine
how miserable
i would be
if the day you leave, arrives.

home is not a place
it is never a place

it is a feeling

sometimes,
if you’re lucky

it is a person

i never knew the reason why we met
why you saw me

until i realized
that God gave me you
to make me finally know
and to understand
what fighting with my own self felt like

i started to believe when you listed these impossible things you found in me

i am finally falling in love with my own eyes

not because you told me things you loved about me, including my eyes

but because all i see is you

that i start falling in love with these eyes of mine

i have become less, less, and less of myself
everyday i wake up in a wrong place
and my time is corrupted by the thoughts
of the fear of being not being good enough
and the wish of things i have never had
and the wish of being this person i create in my head the way i want myself to be.

and then the wish of having moments that will never happen, even in my another life

and then the wish of having people i have never even known before

and then the regrets of not living life the way i want it to be

and then the regrets of not saying what you actually mean to someone who doesn’t know whom your heart is for

and the thoughts of my time is near end and i’m still doing nothing

is hiding the best option?

because i don’t want to show up in a bunch of people who talk ****
who like to bring up the weakness of someone else and make fun of it.

while me, is still me, with only myself and my ******* useless thoughts that are stopping me from doing anything.

i don’t want to be forgotten nor do i want to appear

is wishing to die wrong?

because i have nothing to do and no one to impress here anymore

even i don’t wanna save myself everytime i’m near death anymore

i thought i was cured from all these suicidal things but turns out

i have never been this ready to die.