3a.m. isn't a time where you should be staring at the razor
Wondering whether or not you want to throw away months of progress
For one night of relapse
It's a time where you should be lost in slumber,
Dreaming of the day your deepest desires become reality
Like I dream of the day I'll give someone my heart and they won't drop it like it's on fire,
And they won't watch it shatter and think stupid girl, it's your own fault

Please tell me why the **** I'm not good enough for anyone
There's got to be someone who can fall in love with my dark soul
My under-rested cynical brain
These hollow eyes that show nothing but misery and pain
There's got to be someone who can ******* handle my dark and twisted insides
Someone who'll see the worst in me and want me even more

Deep down, I know it won't happen
It's just a fleeting dream and I don't expect anything to come of it
It's 3:45 in the morning and I hate myself

Everyone's searching for something they can't find; wanting something they can't have. We're all stuck there, wondering what to do. Wondering if we'll ever find what we're looking for or get what we want. And then there are the times we realize that the answer is no and we stop searching, stop wanting, and come to grips with the fact that life is just not fair. It's a fault in human beings, thinking that everything has to go their way and that life has to be fair.

The scars on my arms have almost completely faded away. Is it strange that I feel a sense of loss? They were my company, my best friends. I could sit there and stare at them for hours, fascinated with how ****** up I'd become. But now they're leaving and I can either bring them back or find some new "friend" that will occupy my time and my mind. I'm not sure if I'm ready to let them go.

There's a post I saw on Tumblr that says "I'm sorry I gave you everything I had without making sure you wanted it." It reminds me of all the ******* in my past. It reminds me of you.

I'm not meant to fall in love or be loved. It seems I'm just destined for shallow infatuations and brief lust affairs. I'm wary of "forever"s because forever has always been measured in days, weeks, or months when it comes to me.

The worst part is that I can't blame anyone for leaving. No one in their right minds would want to deal with me.

Things aren't the way they used to be
Used to have feelings but too many people ruined me
And I could blame them but it's clear to see
It's my fault. Should've never let them get near to me

Giving everything just to stay under the influence
Because I can't feel pain if I can't even feel my face
And I'm addicted to being numb and all the memories it can erase
I'm ****** up, yes, and I can't remember how I got that way

I give you my heart of glass, shattered
Would you take this heart that's bruised and battered?
I know you've got the tools to fix it
And for your love, I'm desperate
I need you like the oxygen we breathe,
Produce similar effects when you're taken away from me—choking on sadness, the lack of you leaves me unable to breathe
Maybe I'm too needy, but really, can you blame me?
It was in my worst moment that you said you would take me
You wanted me when no one else did
Loved me, replaced the things in me that were amiss
You gave me happiness, fixed my trust
Is it even possible to love you this much?
I'm so sorry for the times I doubt you, but you have to understand
It's rare in this life that I'm given the upper hand
So it's not your ability I'm doubting, trust me, it's me
I **** things up as you've clearly seen

I love you I love you I love you oh my God I love you
Those three words just aren't enough to express what I hold for you in my heart
Regardless, please accept them. They're all I have and they can express even an inkling of what I feel for you.

I want to wake up with you by my side every morning for the rest of my life,
Just being near you will suffice
Drawing circles on your skin while you lay still sleeping
And you looking at me with a lazy grin on your face when you wake up and see me—as if I'm the most beautiful thing
I want you so much and waiting to have you is torture
But I will wait until the day I can finally wrap my arms around you and kiss you hello

When I'm screaming your name over and over, artfully disguise my screams of pleasure as careful intonations of my love for you.

When you look at me, I don't mind if you picture the rest of our lives together. Just promise me that you'll make it detailed and fill our future with promises you can keep.

When we talk to each other, your words touch my heart the way the sun rises, bathing the sky in beauty.

I fell in love with you and I don't want you to break my heart, I want you to have it. It's yours now. I am yours now.

It's an anxiety attack waiting to happen when I can't think of a witty way to say something unoriginal; something that everyone has heard before, but that just now occurred to me to say. I can feel my thoughts racing, my heartbeat speeding up to pump blood to my overreacting brain that's now thinking, "How the **** am I gonna get these feelings out, now?" I can't think of a cunning way to use a metaphor--one that I need to be able to put this pen to the page and call all these thoughts in my head poetry.
What is the meaning of poetry? I feel like I should have some kind of figurative language in here, but my brain is fried. I'm too numb to process a **** thing. I'm so numb that it physically hurts and that pain is all that I can feel. That and the burning of my eyes from lack of sleep. This isn't poetry. I don't know what this is--random words strung together by a writer who's falling asleep at the page, who doesn't even know what sense is at this point. It's a rant...it's a ramble. Sleepless ramble

I can't sleep when you're mad at me,
I feel like a bad girlfriend
Why didn't I try to fix it immediately after it happened?

I guess I should say sorry, it's always my fault,
Isn't it?
But I hate being the one to start apologizing
Why am I always ruining ****?
I know you'll tell me, after we make up, that I didn't ruin us
That we're still us
I know that. But I still ruined something


I'm sorry I'm insecure and I'm still nervous around you
I'm sorry I feel everything too deeply and get hurt by the smallest things you say or do
I'm sorry I'm sensitive. I'm sorry I got mad at you
I'm sorry for my one word answers, that was the wrong thing to do

I'm sorry I didn't immediately tell you I'm sorry
I'm sorry for writing this poem instead of checking if you're still awake so that I can tell you that
I'm sorry

I don't care if he's perfect or not
I love him the way he is.
He may not think so,
But I know that all he has to offer
Is all that I need
I don't care if it's not much,
Because just having him call me Darlin'
Is enough
Just having him
Is enough

I want to tell him how much I care
But I'm afraid I'll become even more attached
And it'll break me when,
Like the ****-up I am,
I ruin this thing that's barely gotten the chance to start
And push him away and make him leave

And the sane part of me will just sit back
And watch me ruin this great thing

Does anyone notice that I don't really have headaches? That I just blindly take these pills, wondering, as they slide down my throat, if they can possibly numb this dull pain inside my chest?

Why is it even possible to be this unhappy? I don't think I've ever cried so many times a day; so many days in a row. My eyes are never dry anymore—I'm always on the verge of bursting into tears. Meanwhile, the teachers think I'm wearing sunglasses indoors just to be rebellious.

It's a terrible feeling when you greet your parents and your mother ignores you. It's also a terrible feeling when you come home from hell (read: school) and she looks at you in disgust and even ignores your friend's "hello", forcing you to explain that it's not you she hates, it's me. I'm sorry. All this because you made one mistake. I should have died at birth. I wish I had. Perhaps then, I wouldn't be such a disappointment to everyone I come in contact with.

Would it really be so bad if I killed myself? The thing is, I would make an effort to stay alive, but I'm just so ******* tired. I'm tired of all these tears, letting everyone down, being so insecure, being treated like complete **** and then being expected not to be fazed by it. I'm just ******* tired. I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired. And I'm hurt.

Suicide could be the answer if I let it be. I just want peace.

I let you slip through my fingers
Without thinking about the consequences
Here I am, missing you already
While someone else gets to call you baby and taste the words at the tip of your tongue
Is it too late to tell you that I'm sorry?
Is it too late to show I care about us?
I pushed you away but you had to have known how I felt about you
You had to have known that the care I held for you in me
Was so overwhelming that I just didn't know how to put it into words--so I never tried to.
But I did love you. I still love you
And I'm sorry that I feared your rejection so much that I never told you until we were through

I'm falling now
And I'm afraid of what's happening
I fear getting hurt
So I keep my heart under lock and key
I won't let myself want you
Because I know where that may lead
Heartbreaks and nostalgia, ****
How much worse can this be?

I won't leave my heart out anymore
Just so it can get broken
But I'm fascinated with the words you speak
Do you see my dilemma?
Should I just accept the pure possibility?

I had a dream about you last night—
You let me bury my face in your chest as I cried
We stood there and you wrapped your arms around me
As if this all came naturally.
I told you to let me go; I didn't want you seeing me a perfect mess
But you said you don't like seeing me upset
I had a dream about you last night.
Do you even care?

I’m ****** and insecure
But underneath this frigid heart lies emotion
I don’t mean to be cold and distant
But my compassion seems to be frozen

I just want to know that I’m enough
That someone will take me as I am
I can’t be alone forever
Though I lie and say I can

I need someone to love who I am
And who I can be
I keep searching for that
But I keep coming back empty

I take selfies from the chest up, positioning the camera in such a way that my fat arms don't look so fat.
Full body pictures? Are you stupid?
I've got enough meat on my bones to feed the hungry children of a third world country but
At least I have a "great personality"
As if personality is the first thing that people see when they see me. I know what they see
Lack of self control, heaping mounds of disgusting fat
My long sleeves serve two purposes
1. To hide the hurt that I need to release from my body through my wrists
2. To hide the stretch marks on my fat arms.
I'm sorry. I just don't understand how you can tell me to love myself when I know that you, yourself, can't find a single thing about this bloated anatomy to love
I am anxious about eating in public because I already look like I've had dinner for two with no room left for desert
I hug myself to cover my stomach when I sit, because that's when I can't really **** it in.
I'm fat.
So I don’t blame anyone for not seeing that I limit myself to one meal a day and that when I'm really feeling adventurous, I'll eat two and throw up the extra
My first and last real crush laughed in my face when I decided to say "*******, social anxiety!" and tell him that I liked him.
"Who knew fat people could feel anything but hungry?"
I wonder if he—or anyone, for that matter—cares that I can't look at myself in a mirror without criticizing every flaw
That I can't look at myself without crying
That I can't look at myself and name one physical thing I love about me because I don’t find that the phrase I am beautiful should ever be uttered by my lips unless the word not is in the middle.
I am not beautiful. **I am fat.

Nobody was ever there for me when I broke down, but the razor was always in reach. I'm sorry.
Nobody ever sat there and listened to my problems, but the alcohol helped me drown them.
Nobody ever stayed up with me when I was having panic attacks, but the pills helped lull me to sleep, albeit a restless one.
I know that I'll need to let all of that go but they are always there for me in my times of need

But, truthfully, I think the only reason they don't abandon me like everyone else is because they're inanimate.

How does one's life get so bad that they resent every morning they wake up, cry each and every night and regret every breath they take? I just don't get it. How--why--does this almighty God character let people spiral down so deep in their miserable existences that they want to **** themselves? Why does He let them go through with it if they're going to hell because of it? Isn't He compassionate toward us humans? Doesn't He want us to have eternal life or whatever?

If He knew that so many people would suffer so badly, why didn't he just **** everyone and start over? I'm sure we wouldn't mind an easy life in the Garden of Eden.

I wasn't really going to speak about God, it's just where my thought process took me.

Anyway, really, how does someone get to that point? To the point of jumping off that building, of cutting the artery, of swallowing that myriad of pills they've been saving up, of holding the gun to their heads before pulling the trigger? How does it happen?

I don't know, but I feel like I'm awfully close and I don't like it. If I knew how people got to that point, I could try to avoid it. Alas, I do not. That's what *****: a lot of people don't. And that's why so many people get there without ever realizing where they're headed.

He says that
I make her smile like he's never seen
I told him that
I can't let her or myself get too attached to this budding friendship
Because, eventually,
*Everybody leaves

I don't want to live with these feelings anymore
I'd rather be dead than let these emotions eat me away to the core
I know I don't want to live, but I don't know if I'm sure.
Maybe I'll stick around a while...just a few days more.

I will become an impassive wall
And I won't care to answer when called

You'll see me again someday,
But that's not a promise I'm willing to make

I'm going to be gone for a while now, okay?
Oh, don't look like that! I'm just going M.I.A.
I'll only be gone until everyone forgets my name,
And when I come back, I hope things won't be the same

High school is full of idiots who play frivolous games,
Who don't understand a word that I say
It may sound pretentious, but I'm better than they are in many ways
And my sharp mind will still be here after theirs has long since frayed.

He left because I was a pretentious *****
I couldn't leave him be without mentioning college
And now he's gone and my life is drab
I know it's my fault that he's never coming back.
I apologized a thousand times, but he didn't care
I don't know why I am the way I am. It just isn't fair!
I tried my hardest not to **** it up this time,
But I guess it was meant to end.
I feel like I wasted all that time
Just to lose another friend

Your dominance shows like a beam of light
I can't contain myself though I try
Your loving just feels so right
Your cool fingers drawing circles on my thighs

Resistance is futile, I must submit
Sighing as we change positions; we're a perfect fit
Let me stay here with you—you're perfect

Fingers combing through your hair
As you whisper ***** secrets in my ear
The sun is coming up as we play our game of truth or dare
You whisper: stay in my arms right here

And I am more than pleased
To follow your instruction
Because I don't desire to leave
I am drawn by your seduction