I am thankful for the way
you look at me

The purpose of this poem
Is to let you know that the pools of water
That form in the corners of my eyes
Are not as shallow as you think they are;

And besides,
People have died
From drowning in puddles.

my heart was your punching bag.
and even now, the bruises are still visible
to others, attempting to turn over my hollow remains,
stumbling upon
the wreckage you left behind;
but after each swing,
you would uncurl your fists,
wipe my cheeks roughly,
and insist that my scars
were just marks of you loving me too hard.

but,
i know it’s not your fault;
they blame you for throwing punches
when boxing gloves were forced upon your fingers.

if only i had been there sooner,
to teach you how beautiful hands can be
when they aren’t trying to destroy something.

i am made of flaws,
stitched together by good intentions;
but it’s hard to stay intact, when you constantly rip at my seams.
you pull and tug, until i become unravelled,
and i'm just a piece of string,
that you shove in your pocket.
and, much like string, i'm useless on my own;
i need to tie myself to someone.
but you and i, tied ourselves together too quickly
and, like my hair that you always nagged me to brush,
we became more knotted, more tangled with time.
but as time went on, we insisted that we were fine,
we could just use our fingers;
but it wasn’t until we stood at the mirror,
staring at our own matted destruction,
that we realized:
no comb could possibly be strong enough
to make us beautiful again.

the reason i don't keep in touch
is because it reminds me how much i miss you

it's much easier to live without you
than to have you so fleetingly

i want to write this poem
because i am afraid to tell you that i think you're beautiful

and if you looked closer, maybe you'd see
that i could be exactly what you need,
if you could only let yourself have it

my mind drifts back to you,
more than i care to admit,
and i don't let myself wonder if i ever cross your mind;
i already know the answer

so, i'm waiting on a someday that is bound to disappoint me;
you are my sea
and yes, i am your rock

but there are lots of rocks in the ocean

to be quite honest,
i've never felt this way before.
and this seems odd because i've had
boyfriends in the past
short-term, long-term,
nice ones, mean ones,
young ones, old ones,

but my heart has never thumped this loudly
while waiting for a text
my grin has never been this wide
while talking on the phone

and my head has bombarded me with thoughts of
countless boys before,
but this time, i haven't figured out
how to stop thinking about you

when i met you, it was easy
we were young
love
what is that?
neither of us knew, but
we taught each other
and now we know

do we know?

four years together
would make it seem like
we do know what love is
after all, i love you
i loved you
do i still love you?

i think i loved you
four years ago
four months ago
four weeks ago
four days ago

but you see,
i met him
three days ago
and now i am not sure.
and
now you want me again
but only because
he wants me too

four days ago,
those three words
probably would have been enough

but four days ago
you were on my mind before i went to sleep

and now you're not

love
is not easy
to let go of

but how do you choose
between an old love
guaranteed
and a new love
maybe

it's too big a risk
and i'm afraid to make the wrong choice

my mom always told me i was lazy
she was right; i never wanted to clean my room
or make my bed
or do my homework
i just wanted to go on the computer
or watch tv
or hang out with friends
because i wanted to be happy
and doing chores didn't make me happy

so when i went to college
i didn't clean my room
or make my bed
or do my homework
all i did was go on the computer
or watch tv
or hang out with friends
because i finally was on my own and had the chance to be happy

but rather than getting happier, my heart got heavier
things went from okay to bad
and then bad to worse
and now i'm tired

mom, you were right; i'm lazy
there are things that i don't want to do
because they are too much work
like cleaning my room, making my bed, doing my homework,
and waking up tomorrow morning

i have spent so long
wrapped up, strangled by the ropes of my past
friends, relationships,
i have spent so long
caring about these people,
caring about what they think
thousands of miles between us yet
i can't forget
i have spent so long
missing them, crying
please come back
six months of the people
i used to consider closest to me
putting me through hell
just for their own sick enjoyment
i have spent so long
hung up on these *******
but i have spent so long
thinking about this,
that i've finally learned
how to let them go

faceless, nameless
who are you?
why do you hate me?
you really hate me.
******* with me over the internet
******* with my mind
do you feel pride?
does it make you feel like you're worth any more
than you were before?
because the joke, my gray friend, is on you.
i already hate myself
much more than you ever could

so stop hacking and typing away at
2:52 on a monday morning and just
let me be alone with my sadness
you see, you're doing it all wrong.
if you hate me, all you have to do is
let me be
alone with my thoughts and
i'll be gone long before anything you could
ever hope to accomplish
will affect me at all

when we met, your eyes hardly met mine
and when they did, you quickly looked away
you made me want to know why
why didn't you talk, why didn't you just
take a deep breath
relax
just, talk to me
i'm nothing to be afraid of,
what's going on in that
fascinating mind of yours?
what do you think of me, of her, of them?
what keeps you awake at night, tossing and turning and
i wanted you to
let me in.

and of course, you did
and i did what i do best,
i got you to love me
but
it really wasn't me that you loved
it was this girl
who listened to you, and kissed you
and held your hand in front of your friends
we went ice skating and watched the superbowl
you made me a card for christmas and
kissed my cheek because you were too shy
to kiss my lips

but then you started to change.

it would happen at random moments,
but i started to really see
how when i wanted to show you my favorite movie
you rolled your eyes and said
"but i just wanna talk to you
spend time with you
i love you"
as your fingers brushed the hem of my shirt and you
leaned in to kiss me
but it wasn't sweet like before it was
purposeful and i
stopped seeing the boy who loved history, and who loved me, my thoughts, my words,
and i started seeing the boy who liked it better when i stopped talking
so he could touch the parts of me that he really loved

i remember when you got me flowers that i kept for so long
i gave them water and smelled them every day
and when they died
when winter turned to spring
i kept them anyway
i never threw them away
those dead, brown roses

my friends all say
"you're in love with him"
and i smile
and say
"no, i am not in love with him"
but
sometimes
i smile
and say
"i am so in love with him"
and the truth is
i do not know
how i really feel about you

you changed my life
that much is certain
and you'll never really know
just how much you've done for me
because
we're just
too different

you don't understand me
and i don't understand you
it's like we're two different planets
suddenly caught in orbit together
and it's strange and different and hard to deal with but
i like it

i do not dream about kissing you
but i dream about you choosing me
out of all the people, all the girls
i wish i was what you wanted

i think it would work out nicely
i know you pretty well
and i think
i would stay

i wouldn't leave if you got distant
i wouldn't get mad at you for
being exactly who you are

but then again
there's that minor detail
that i like to forget
you will never want me

so it does not matter
that i don't know how i feel about you
because
i know how you feel
about me

what were we?
an epic love
full of emotion
heartbreak
trust, broken, then repaired
then broken again

we were four years spent on my tan couch
popcorn and kisses
cuddling for warmth in the winter
sticky from sweat in the summer
that stupid couch, it's too hot
but that's okay, i want you near me anyway

we were the short short walk to each others house
meet halfway
we were the loving gaze, the soft touch
you holding me, safe
we were the phone calls every night before bed
we were in your car outside my house
and you, reluctant to let me go home
one more kiss

but we were also the phone being thrown across the room
the disappointment on every birthday, christmas, valentines day
the other girls
you should have known
from day one
that i was too much for you
too stupid, too sad, too much
i'm crazy, depressed, you hated that about me
but why did you stay for so long
four years
why did you stay

maybe if you had left sooner
i could have left too

i am constantly torn between
he loves me
he loves me not

he'll realize he misses me
he will never miss me
he'll realize it,
i know he will,
no
what did i do wrong
he's just stalling until
his fun and games
are done
and then
he'll come back
he'll love me again
i don't want to wait for him
but i will wait for him
but i can't
he will never love me
but he loved me for so long
it was never real
was it?
how can you just stop
how can those feelings just
stop