i wish i could create something that would make you proud
anything good enough

but i know nothing could ever be good enough for you

i learned it from you first
i will never be good enough
not for anyone
and never myself

i am not thankful for my trauma.

my trauma did not make me a stronger,
better person.
my trauma put me into a constant state of fear.
my trauma made it impossible for me to feel secure.
my trauma told me i was unlovable and made me think maybe i was a bad person.
my trauma doesn’t let me rest.
my trauma will never stop following me.

my trauma did not make me stronger.
it made me weak and terrified of vulnerability.

so stop telling me how strong i am for overcoming things i never should’ve had to.
i don’t want to be strong,
i want to be able to feel my emotions,
i want to be able to be vulnerable, without fear.

i want to be unapologetically me again.
i miss what’s dead in me

Words are my best friend;

They do not ask me to mold myself into a perfect little doll.
They accept me for the person I was, I am, and I will be.
They do not disappear when I need them most;
in fact they support me like no one else could.

Words were all I had when I was left all alone.

Words will always be my best friend.

It’s so hard to grieve the loss of someone who’s still here.
Holding my breath just to hide the fear.
Where did I go wrong believing in ghosts?

I never told you I loved you
because I don’t.
At least, not in the way you think  

I never gave you my best
because you never really gave me yours.
At least, not when it mattered

I could give you a thousand tries
and you still wouldn’t see.
Your issue will always be you,
it was never with me.

☕︎‎

I want to be the light leaking through your kitchen window.

The fresh juice.
Warm muffins.
Birds singing.
Coffee brewing.

                                                    But,
                                                I am not.


I’m the leaky faucet you still haven’t got around to fixing.

The orange peels.
Burnt toast.
Cracked eggs.
Broken mug.

                                        Breakfast ruined.

𓇋

Heavy, heavy, heavy,
I think my lungs are gonna collapse


My body just feels so heavy and i am just so tired

My eyes are closing, everything's soft now


I love you too