The level of self control I have..
Is ridiculous
Like I am sick of it
I don't want to admit it
But the **** I do is dumb as ****
I keep doing the same thing
Over and over again
Like it's gonna be different
When am I gonna get a grip of it
and be bigger than it
And admit that I'm not bigger than it
I got to admit it has control of me
And I can't be me until
I let it be me none of me
Cause it's controlling me
Where I go,  what I do
And what I say and what im gonna be
If I want to change
It's about I start doing **** differently

And it all starts with me

I came in and sat at your bar
did i take it too far
did i get too real
by telling you how i feel
while having my meal
maybe i used the wrong words
or do you think i was drunk
cause there is no amount
of bourbon and coke
that can make what i said a joke
"i want you to be mine"
i meant that
and im not taking it back

Hi
Good morning
or goodnight
not sure how to put it
at 3:30 am
but I'm thinking bout you
and I hope that's cool
cause i feel like i just made myself a fool
but i dont regret anything i do
just know
If I'm a fool
Its cause i'm a fool for you

What would you do
If you knew
I was in love with you?



Only one way to find out.

we sit and listen to music
and i like you
but something just wont stick
every time i mention
a song you dont know
like you dont belong
is something wrong
cause i feel like there's a disconnect
and i dont want to neglect
the obvious attraction
but this really is
quite a distraction
can we make this work
based off ****** atraction
and moments of passion
or is this gonna end cause you dont like r&b
cause if you don't like r&b
how can you like me
when its inbedded in my soul

where am i
are you here with me
or did you say goodbye
as quickly as you said hi

Things come and go
So is the flow of time
What used to belong to me
Is no longer mine
But i can see in your eyes
You look at me same
would you believe if i told you
The only thing that remains
Of the the person you think i am
Is my name?
I think not
Its nothing i need to prove
But i do wish you could see
How different I am than me

I lay here on floor
Beaten and bruised
I did things i never thought i would do
Yet i lay here lost and confused
Cause i did them for you
But once again, On floor I lay
Feeling useless and used

After everything you took from me
I came back
you took my confidence
I came back
You took my dignity
I came back
You took my self self worth
Still, i came back
Because you were once who gave it all to me
Before you slowly peeled it all away
As i sat still. Stayed.

But i am not just some beaten wife
Who will contiue to give you my life
Because Im not coming back anymore
Im taking back...
How brave I was
Im taking back
How proud i was
Im taking back
How strong i was

But no matter how much i take back
I'll still never be the same as i was;
You made sure of that
But who are you?
To dictate my day to day life
Who are you?
Except the only thing im not taking back

I looked over at my bestie
My biffle if you will
More of a woman now
For we have grown
Over the last ten years
And losing her has become
One of my biggest fears
I thought of the advice i was once told
By some one who was quite old
And now im wondering how this will end
His advice
"Marry your best friend"

They say dont judge a book by its cover
But a beauty like you
Must have a story or two
With eyes as deep as the sea
Theres so much they dont see
As i explore your world
Swim through your pages
And find all your secrets
Please pardon my touch
For I may leave a few creases,

Cause i dont just want to know your story
I want to be a part of it

Her name is on my heart
Much more than ink on skin
This is an eternal mark
That is made within
Her name is on my chest
Like a roadsign to her soul
Because the only way to her
Is through me
My body is marked as hers
Not as her possession
But as her protection
I exist as her armor
And i will allow nothing to harm her
For her i will go farther
Than a father protecting his daughter
She is the reason I live
The muse for this art
This tattoo on my heart

After it was all over
I looked for the light
In myself, I tried
To convince myself it was still alive
Only to find it too had died
I searched for my soul
In the coldness of night
Somewhere in my heart
But it's too dark to see
Its not in here
There's nothing left
Not even the fear of death

So I suggest you leave

I am haunted by good dreams
Every night I fall into this beautiful reality
Of a kingdom of you and me
A graceful fallacy
That fills me with malice
Towards my hellish cold alarm
That drags me out of my palace
Steals away my queen. And my crown
No longer am I king of this world
As it let's out the screeching painful sound

And I wake to you not there
Living a real life nightmare

Like a summer breeze
Or a wanderlust star
A moment passing by
Was all you are

Of all the mistakes I've ever made
Many of which changed my life

Like the time I went to jail
Caught an embezzlement charge
Criminal at large
For stealing cd's at the age of 17
Only to grow up to be an accountant
Have every employer doubting

Or the time I decided not go see my God mom
Said I had plans but that was a lie
Only a week later did she die
And it's at her grave I'm trying to say goodbye

OR when I started gambling
And nearly ruined my whole life
Lost all I had and more
Even my father's ring

Of all those things
If there was one i could change
I would go back to that moment
I messed up thing up between you and me
And instead go with plan B
Just for the chance
Just for the possibility
That you could have ended up with me

Im scared to move on
see i can live with this pain
im rather use to this rain
i have always been a hopeless romantic
doing things that don't make sense
like holding on to something that's already gone
but i am so wrong
to be scared to move on
Cause really it's just I don't like giving up
If I think there even a small chance
Like a special circumstance
see im not scared of letting go, getting hurt,
or being alone
im scared of the fact that you could come back
to find me in place that i no longer call home
and im worried i'll miss out on an opportunity
for you to fall back in love with me

You are the apple of my eye
My moon and my stars
And our love will never die
cause i love you to the moon and back
like you're the only girl in the world
you're the only one i see
and that's when i get weak in the knee
cause my heart skips a beat
life really isnt fair but
all is fair in love in war
and even though love is blind
it was love at first sight
You had me at hello
with you everything seems right
With you all my problems go away
i think of you all day
I don't know what else I could say
You really are...
every cliche

I'm really tired of being the bigger man
I hope you respect everything that I am
Cause I'm giving up on you
So you can be happy too
And I mean that to both you two
Cause at first you said it was casual
but now if we are being factual
It's quite the opposite
And that's why I letting go of it
So I hope you can think this is a little sappy
But really I just hope you both are happy





But down below all of this
I still feel a little ******

Get the **** out off my mind
Seriously I'm so done with wanting you
I don't want this yearning
I'm tired of my stomach churning
I run away when I see you
Is that not enough of a clue
But you're always ******* there
No mater where I go
Theres no escape
No matter where I go
I can't you get you out my head
No place is safe
Not even my own ******* bed
Because even there when I'm trying to sleep
You torment me in my dreams
I wake up in screams
Can't you just leave me alone
Or atleast not be there the next time I come home
Go, get out,
LEAVE

Hey how are you?
Look, please pardon my behavior as of latley
But I came to ask a favor
I know it's been a while
So Sorry if this seems a little weird
But from the beginning this is what I feared
You see the thing is
I'm still stuck on you
So if you would do this favor
That would make you my doom
and my savior
Just tell me it's over between me an you
that you don't have feelings for me too
Cause my brain knows it's true
But my heart can't tell it apart
From a passing moment
Or a future that was heaven sent
Please just say it out loud
So my heart can face the music
So it can let go of these feelings that are now useless
Cause really these thoughts are ruthless
So please lay my hopes to ease
Just do me this one small kindness
it's the least you could do
atleast tell me its over
So I can atleast have some closure

I'm enraged by the mistakes I made
Like trying to kiss you while you were still engaged
That cost me everything that I could of had
Cause after that you were so mad
now theres no going back
I see you with someone new
And there's nothing I can do
except watch you from a distance
Always reminded of that instance
That changed our fate
Oh the irony that your name is destiny
Cause i feel like life is testin me
I want to fight for you
But It just wasnt meant to be
I'm detained in my brain
By all the things that could be gained
So by this simple fact I am pained
Simply put
You're not preordained

The day seemed like any other
i thought everything was the same
until you came and passed bye without saying hi
so i walked up to you
and looked you right in the eye
but i was apalled by what i saw
because there was nothing there
like you couldn't see me or didnt even care
so i pressed my lips against your's
expecting us to still be a pair
but you didn't feel a thing
and i felt this heart renching pain
as you walked through my body
like I didn't exist
i watched as you walked away
thinking of what to say
as you walked over to him
i started to scream
i yelled everything that i thought would make you stay
i gave it my all
but you to didn't even twitch
like you couldn't hear my heartfelt call
yelling from the middle of the room
suprised that no one else seemed to notice
i was suddenly forced to face my doom
as i looked back to you with him
i noticed the world was a little dim
right when i saw you kiss
it was at that moment
that i was able to see the truth
see, I didnt even know
but i was a ghost
and i had died long ago

From a man
Who has played russian roulette
And pulled the trigger
When he was on the second to last chamber
I'll tell you this
The scariest thing you will ever have to do
In this world of men
Is love again

I hate it when my phone goes off
Because every time I hear that noise
A small part of me
Hopes it's you

He was adam
She was eve
A taste of the forbidden fruit
Then he was made to leave

She came in a summer breeze

And left with the autumn  leaves

Now I think of her

Whenever I see bare trees

I listened
As you tried to explain
How you looked at the moon
The beauty it holds the night
How it consoles you
And holds you in its light
As you stare only to know
That will never be able to go
How you felt sorry for the wolf
Cause you understood it's howl
Yearning for the moon
Wondering how life could be so foul
To put something so magical in sight
But simply out of reach
I watched you as you looked up in the sky
As the moon illuminated what was falling from your eye
You think I don't understand
But what you don't know is
I am not a man
And you are not a woman
I'm the wolf
And you're the moon

5 steps forward
8 steps back
Then I slipped and fell
tumbled down into hell
My soul forced to sell
Trying to climb out
But i'm chained to a boulder
That alone I cannot shoulder
Something I thought I would never need
I'm can no longer do this by myself
I'm here
asking for help

It's those moments
Right before you jump off a cliff
When your heart doesn't just beat
But hits you in the chest
Trying to push you back
From this leap your about to make
Forcing your body to take
Against all fear
That excitement
That adrenaline
that fills your veins
When your feet leave the ground
And there's no coming back
As your falling down

I live for those moments
Because in life there are only a few
Like first time I looked in your eyes
And the first time I said I love you

While brushing my teeth
i looked up to the mirror
suprised by what i saw
i smiled for second
and got closer to see it a little clearer
not ashamed when i say i cried
cause what i saw was beautiful
even after all the times i lied
after all the things i have done
with no coming back from
i saw what i thought had died
for the first time
in long time
i looked my self in the eye
and i saw pride

In the past I have given in to a vice
to the point i feel as if i have ruined my life
lost purpose to live
lost my pride or any reason to be proud
i have dug myself into a hole
that has burrowed deep into my soul
i forgot who i was
but this is a promise to myself
That 5 month from now
I will be out of this abyss
i will grind harder that i ever have before
for this one goal
i will live with sole purpose
of taking back my soul

You say i dont get another try
you say i dont get a second chance
its just the same song and dance
and you're right
but all the back and forth
and stepping on each others toes
is all part of our first dance
this is just our first life
our only life
and this is my one and only chance
to try and make you my wife

Be careful of those clouds
On which you stand
when reality hits
There's no telling where you will land

i ****** up
i made some mistakes
i lost some friends
and did it again
over and over again
until in the end i had no friends

cause the ones still here with me
i call FAMILY

Day one
Day two
It's the only thing I want to do

Day thee
Day four
Taking everything I have not to walk out that door

Day five
Day six
I just want all my problems fixed

Day seven
Day eight
Even sober in their eyes I see hate

Day nine
Day ten
No matter what I do I can't win

11 12 13 and 14
All this work but no one is on my team

Day 15 day 16
I got nothing back. what am I really fixing

Day 17
Day 18
I realized fate is mean

19 20
21 22
After some time I reached back out to you

Day 23
day 24
In my face you shut the door

Day 25
Day 26
I know what can fix this









Day one

Even if I get it all the money back
The 2 motorcycles
The new car
The 30 k in mutual funds
Paid my debts off
And made amends
It won't matter at all
Cause by losing you
I lost it all

What color are your eyes?
something i will never know
even as i fed you all those lies
an honest gaze i never did show
and now you look away
when ever i enter a room
and what could i say
as i see disgust and anger in your face consume
how sad it is knowing i am to die
with out ever knowing the true color of your eye

There was a wall of glass
Standing between me and you
You could see me on other side
So you let go of your pride
And sliced your heart
On every shattered sliver of glass
As you broke your barrier apart
But the deepest cut
Came when you had to pick it up

My heart is a puzzle.

It's missing a few pieces.

Your heart kept me warm
in this freezing tundra of life
but now your hands are chilling
your thoughts are harsh
your eyes freeze my soul
and Im left alone
in the icy darkness
fighting against this cold world
i have no one by my side
facing certain defeat
with nothing but my own body heat

The world is a cold and cruel place
The clouds are dark
life pushes burning wind against your face
and freezing rain falls day after day
there may be no end in sight
but you can find warmth and cover
in the soul of another

These years were fun
And I must admit
I'm rather fond of the times we had
And it makes me a little sad
To say goodbye
But You dug us into this hole
That will be your grave
I must leave this life behind
But rest assured these stories will be told
And every occasion remembered
Even as I turn old
So i write on this tomb stone
As i head of into the world alone
The old me is dead and gone

Mind over matter
I got one goal
to make my life better
Before I lose my soul

An island of ash
signs of a past life
Melted black rock
Scars of the last breath
When this land gave it's all
Red hot passion spewed from its lips
And swept over everything that made this land
A volcano thought dormant
Tried to love again
Poured it's hearts out
Even as the magma scorched all the good
That once called this land home
now marks this dead earth
With this one last eruption
One last confession
This volcano died
And took everything with it
forever in torment
This volcano is now forever dormant

Everyone is here for the party
but when it comes time for the holidays
no one stays
they are all at their real home
and I'm left at home alone

Goodbye, ciao
so long and see you later.
adios, peace, and deuces
a wave, a hug, or a kiss
so many words or even just silence
there are so many ways to say goodbye
you chose
"we can still be friends"

Goodbye to everything
I thought we would be
Goodbye to everything
I thought we were gonna do
Now don't me mistaken
cause I'm not saying goodbye to you
for you will always be part of my heart
So this is just goodbye
to part of me

I'm on the edge of a cliff
That at any moment
Could break away
And this entire mountain would fall apart
I can feel the ground start to tremble
As all my options pass through my temple
And this rock slips from the base
I realize any move I make
Will just quicken it's pace
So I stand here on this cliff
Almost as if
There is nothing to fear
Like I'm just standing here
Without a clue just taking in the view
How the sky above has a faint red hue
And on the ground there is still a little dew
The green light as the trees touch the ocean's blue
Looking over everything below
Atleast this view I can enjoy
Before the this rock let's go
And I am no more

They say I'm always on the go
that money is the only thing that I know
they say I don't stop for anything
and I'm passionate about what I do
But what they don't know is that I can't stop
If I did
i wouldnt to be able to do anything
but think of you

I'll pick up these embers
Of a remnant fire
Left in this world of snow
That no longer remembers
What it feels like to be alive
As they hold a dark glow
Barely clinging to life
I'll pick up these embers
I'll hold them in my palms
I'll let them burn my hands
I'll blow on them softly
Just to keep them from dying
As my fingers go numb
Black from harsh ash
As callices from burning pain
Harden these hands
I'll hold on to the embers
Of a remnant fire
That no one but me remembers