Burdensome to breathe,
Laborious to walk,
Clutch back tears as my hands tremble.
Thoughts scramble,
'I'm a failure,'
'I'll never be good enough,'
At the forefront of cognitions.
Cycling through,
Impede on concentration,
And everything done can no longer stop it.

Crawl inside.
Shrink and revert.
I become seven again.
Take each word and misconstrue the meaning,
Multiply the effect,
Undervalue any positive utterance ,
Discount any commendable contemplation.
And all I want to do is escape.
Disappear and give up,
Start over with nothing.

Staggering with each step.
Unsure,
Unreliable.
A state I have never felt.
Uncharted,
Unimaginable.
As if I am treading without sight,
As if I am wandering without hearing.
I have to depend on my instincts,
In a world of disgruntled confidence.
I grab for anything,
Yearning to latch on to something solid,
Something paramount,
Something substantial.
I yearn for connection.
I ache for love in a way I've never felt before.
I want to take your hand and never let go.
I want to take you into my arms and be enveloped in happiness.
Impossible, for I am not capable,
Perpetually alone.
A nomad in my own brain.
A sole vagrant left to travel for infinity.
I can try to be optimistic,
But my past only shows one path,
One I have sowed myself,
I must take the consequences.

An event, an occurrence,
As if it all happened in a flicker.
Part of my past,
Part of my identity.
Learning to embody it,
Learning to sift through the pain.

Its effect coursing through every interaction,
Every conversation.
It held me in its grasp.
A prisoner to its will,
My emotions and feelings a puppet,
****** reactions a reflex.

As I take steps to unravel it,
Actions and thoughts become more understandable,
Relationships more translucent.
With consequences of a new sense of anger,
A surge of hate,
Flowing through my body.

I stare it in at in the eye,
Show it valor,
I am here to fight.
Detours may ensue,
But I will find my way back.
No longer will I be a pawn.