Mahal, kailan mo ba napansing hindi mo na ako mahal?
Kailan ba nagsimulang mamuo ang lamat—
ang tipak sa dingding ng panahon
Na nabuo mula sa iisang hibla
Na lumawak at nagmistula nang mga sanga ng puno ngayon

Mahal, kailan mo ba napansing hindi mo na ako mahal?
Saan ba nagsimula ang sigalot na kahit anong gawin ay hindi ko mahanapan ng kakalásan—
Hindi matakasan ilang bukas man ang daanan
Gaya ng Ang Probinsyano sa telebisyon na inabot na ng ilang taong

Naging saksi na rin sa pag-inog ng mundo
kong patuloy man sa pag-ikot ay parang hindi naman makausad sa pag-atras
Pabalik sa nakaraan nating ayaw magparaya
Ayaw magpalimot,
Ayaw magpaawat,
Ayaw magpatawad

Nasira ko yata ang pinaplano kong 𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 sa umpisa, mahal
Gaya ng wala naman talaga tayo sa 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘰
Ng kahit kanino sa ating dalawa
Ngunit, heto na, nangyari na
At nagkasakitan na
Nang higit pa sa kayang pasanin ng puso
At ngayon, gusto ko lang malaman:

Mahal, kailan mo ba napansing hindi mo na ako mahal?
Ano ba ang simula ng gulo nating parang islang lulubog-lilitaw—
Paparoon at paparito, hindi makadiretso
Gaya ng mga alon na nakikipaglaro sa dalampasigan
Masaya naman tayo... 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘢𝘯
Masaya naman tayo minsan
Masaya naman tayo minsan
At minsan, nakakalimutan ko ring hindi mo na nga pala ako mahal

Mahal, kailan mo ba napansing hindi mo na ako mahal?
Masyado nang matagal
Ang paghihintay ko ng sagot sa mga tanong na paulit-ulit ko mang bigkasin
Ay hindi naririnig ng utak **** ayaw umintindi
At ng puso **** ayaw magsisi
At nakakatawang isipin na ako ang naghahabol ng kaliwanagan,
Nag-aasam ng kaayusan
Kung sa ating dalawa, ikaw naman talaga ang nagkulang

Paano ko ba tatapusin ito, mahal? Sana tayo na lang ang tinapos mo matagal na.

but how could love be lost
when it's the only good thing
i've ever known?
-

hollow halls and empty rooms
echo memories of years past
and lost like the love
i once knew
like the love
i once believed
to be true,

back when the sunrise still
bounced off the walls
with the promise of joy
and childlike wonder
and laughter

when i still held on
to the belief that love
could last as long as
time would last,
as long as i believed

that love is enduring,
forever,
no matter what, but
the question,
if youth is temporary,
then can love also be?

if ceilings can lose their
ingtegrity due to water
dripping through the roof
and floorboards can crack
from pressure,

the same way that time
batters down houses and
innocence, nothing
stays as it is,
love too is defenseless
against the wear and the tear

love, too, withers away,
and it has
and it's lost
even if it's the only
good thing i've
ever known

stagnation tastes bitter
with a spoonful of disappointment
and a cup of regret
but what right do i have to
complain about something
i consciously bring
upon myself
to taste unapologetically
every night
i am reminded
of how aimless
and pointless
i have been
coursing through the
days wasting time
fooling myself into
believing
i had moved an
inch forward towards
something worthy
to wake up to
but even waking up
takes so long
when every night is
like a clingy lover
that i tolerate into
not letting me go
until too much darkness
is enough
and it's time to part
and then it's time
to wake up
again and again
to a new set of stagnating days
aimless
pointless

but what is
the point of
hoping
still
if
our countless
chances
to start over
inescapably
end with
us
crashing
all
the
****
time

i always thought
i'd never run out
of chances
to start again,
to make things right
with you,
using you—
the epitome of
leniency
always so forgiving
even on days when
i don't even deserve it
i can't quite describe
your omnipresence,
your existence
that transcends us all
mortal beings,
your faultless consistency
is also our downfall,
you bear witness to
our daily sufferings
and ephemeral joys,
our short-lived youth and
eventual demise,
the only constant
then, now, and forever

I had hopes of getting better. Things we're going right, you know? Sure, there were stumbles, but it was okay. Days don't always end with contented sunsets. Soldier on, I say. Bad things don't last forever. We got past this before, and we will do so again. I still forget to eat. Sometimes. But, hey I've been sleeping longer. That's an improvement, right? I plan on maintaining my new sleeping pattern. I'm still apprehensive of the future. But aren't we all? At least now I'm more convinced that I can do this. But, what if I lose this renewed resolve along the way? It always happens. Anyway, I'll cross the bridge when I get there. I'm trying to change things around, at least that's what I tell myself, yet I've been burning more cigarettes lately. That new sleeping pattern I told you about? I broke it today.

the pictures begin to switch one by one
as if to tell a story of vibrant hope
the clicks on the kaleidoscope slightly increase in tempo
the backgrounds merge
the hues start to fade

Who knew that along the way we'd stop seeing life in color?

-