Times change 

I know this 

but at the same time 

I wish they didnt 

I wish that I was still 12 

I wish that I could go back in time 

Times change and it really *****

I cant go back

Today I saw three people consume
something that once was alive
that once had thoughts and wanted to live
that wanted to grow
Chickens, Cows, Ducks, Rabbits, Deer, & e.t.c.
What is next?
Why do we grow these animals in barns and warehouses for them to be slaughtered?
To make money you say?!
Make money another way.
don't **** these poor innocent animals that just want to survive like us.
Instead of stealing their milk
make almond milk
it is really not that different
instead of taking young cows and throwing them in a tiny cell
till it is time to consume
LET THEM FREE
When you look at a cow and see it cooked
that it a problem
when we feed fifty percent of our veggies to the animals
so they can survive when they could be free and fed

This feeling
this pain
I am going to one day pull it out of me
make it go away
but for today
I will sit in silence & cry
I will let the pain wash over me
drown me for the time being
I shall let it consume me
I shall let it
till I become strong enough to fight
till I become willing

Heart crushing memories
heart crushing lies
I barely can write
as the tears overflow my eyes
pouring out

How do I get this feeling to go?
How do I feel better?

The feeling will fade for awhile
than
it will return
tugging at me
harder than before
tugging at my eyes, my heart & my soul
This feeling is painful
it makes want to dig myself a hole & stay for the rest of my days

I don't feel like life should feel this way
This tugging pain is binding me
blinding me
It just covers the joy I could have & makes me want to hide

The hole I want to dig
is just to get away
just to feel a little bit of sanity

The feeling leaves than comes back pushing me to the edge
every time it comes back
it comes back more intense
more real
Pushing me closer to the edge
Closer to letting go