I feel like the day you break my heart
Will be monumental
It will be a threshold in my life
How I handle all of it, process it
Where it finds me and leaves me

The incredible ease with which our talks flow
Like we have the same scripts
The way your eyes cut through me like a hot knife in butter
The way your voice rings through me like the chimes in the pipes of an *****

I am convinced I am dreaming
A lucid dream from a hit I don't remember taking
I'm not sure sometimes that you're the same one in reality
If you just carry the face of the man in my mind

So I'm waiting for the day
The day you break my heart
But until then.....
Leave nothing behind.

I tried to write today.

Instead I cried.

To be more honest, I clasped my hands together so tight that I could've broken my knuckles. I squeezed my eyelids together till I could almost feel my eyeballs pop into my brain.
No tears came.

I tried.

I really tried.

But all I got was deep dry heaving and bruised knees because I suddenly lost all the strength in them.
I choked on nothing.
I opened my mouth wide, but my voice box remained sealed.

Nothing. Came.

I've been to many places
I've been around many people
I've been many people

I worry that I may lose sight one day
Maybe I already have
Maybe I am nobody
Maybe I am nowhere

Some places still feel like home
Some things still feel like home
Some people still feel like home

That must mean that I still know what home feels like
What it smells like
What it looks like
Who it looks like

I still know where home is

Oh, my love
What shall I do with you?

My magical dust
My mythical king
My dreamland prince.

My love...
How shall I live with you?
my death.
How shall I live without you?
my breath.

My love, oh my love...
What shall I do with you?

I miss you

So much that sometimes it burns.
Sometimes it feels like the void of you will **** me someday.
On the days I am graced with silence, it's still too loud.

It's so

*******

loud

I wish I could call out to you...
Like some signal.
Reach you...
Like a sonar

I wish I could be with you.
I wish I could stop thinking about you.

No

I just wish...

...I could love you.

If all you'd known
Your whole life
Was dark clouds
Icy rain
And violent wind

If all you'd seen
Your whole life
Was grey skies
Dull days
And cold nights

And then
Like magic

A crack appears in the sky
A light seeps through the clouds
A warmth touches my skin
softly, like a blanket
slowly, like an ember
surely, like it was meant for me

Like the sun burns in the initials of my name
Like the heatwaves sing songs of my name
Like the power of it all courses through my veins
Like the purpose of its creation was all in my name

And then
Imagine

hearing thunder again.

It was the sharpest pain I had ever felt
Nothing like any other

I felt my bones shatter
My lungs collapse
My sight fade
Fade into red

I could feel everything
Yet there was nothing
I could hear screaming
Yet there was silence

I could taste.....blood

Running down my face
Coursing through my veins
Leaking everywhere
Pouring

I questioned everything
"How am I even alive?"
Am I?

Am I?.

What does it feel like?
To breathe
To feel crisp air, flow through your body
To feel your lungs, expand with life

What does it feel like?
To see
To open your eyes, and feel the burn of light
To stare at a beautiful sight
To awe at the colours swimming in your vision
To blink, and to miss a moment

What does if feel like?
To live
To feel the cold on your fingertips
To feel the tingle in your toes
To feel the rush of blood to your face
To feel the racing of your own heart

What does it feel like?
To love?

I wonder

When I died I didn't know.

I waited and waited to wake up.

And then I realized.


I wouldn't.

I don't think you understand
The way I fell in love with you
The way you became my whole world
The way you were the sun that lit up my days

I don't think you understand
The way I still feel your warmth
The way I still move to you like a tide to the moon
The way I still find comfort in your light

I don't think you understand
When I said forever
I meant it
When I said unconditionally
I mean it
When I loved you
I meant it

No, I don't think you understand
That you'll always be in my heart

Very
Intense

Nothing

I'm terrified.

Terrified I'll never love again.
Terrified I will.
Terrified I'll never see you again.
Terrified I might.
Terrified that you hate me now.
Terrified that you don't.

I'm terrified of the lingering past that we have.
Terrified of the future.
Terrified of the possibilities.
Terrified of the truth.

I'm terrified that I'll always love you.

It's like waking up from a dream.
The way it rapidly fades from my memory
As if it never happened.

I remember when I could breathe
When the air was sweet
And my lungs were free
When my arms were spread
And my feet were bare

When I wasn't choking.
...coughing.
...dying.

When the day meets the night, there is hope
There is light after dark
There is purpose after rest
There is life after death

When my heart met yours, there was hope
There was light after dark
There was purpose after loss
There was life after death

When the day meets the night, there is love
There is bliss after despair
There is home after forage
There is peace after war

When my heart met yours, there was love
There was bliss after despair
There was home after solitude
There was future after past

When I fell in love with you
There was everything

I dance.

My toes dig into the soft mud
My dress is drenched from the rain

I dance.
My arms are outstretched
Cutting through the air as I spin

I dance.
I smile at the moon
My heart is full
I'm in love with this moment

I dance.

I breathe you in like sage and jasmine
I feel you like a whole universe is in my chest
I think about you like marshmallows and lavender
You're the sweetest human being my soul has ever tasted
You're the spiciest meal I've ever fed my mind
You're warmest blanket that's ever covered me

When I look at you I see a king
I see an emperor conquering his empire,
Defiantly taking what's rightfully his
I see a whole soul, an old soul
A warm soul, a full soul
A kind soul, a weary soul
A strong soul.
A strong mind.

I remember you there, with your back against the wall.
Baseball cap giving you some kind of mystery.
Some kind of shadow.
You were calm that night.

But your eyes.
You looked at me that night,
and I knew

It was always your eyes.
Always in the shadow of that cap.
Leaving a mischievous smile peeking out at me.

When you did look at me...

When you looked at me...

When I saw your eyes ...

Your eyes
They told me everything
Everything that I already knew
and more

Your eyes
Your eyes

Your eyes.

Maybe* it's in your genes...

That thing about you that I could never explain
That thing about you that made my eyes glitter
That thing about you that made my heart stutter
That thing about you that made my smile wider
That thing about you that made my body shiver
That thing about you that made my nights sweeter

**Maybe it's in your jeans...

You're like a tattoo
On a secret part of my skin
A tattoo that I got in my youth
A tattoo that I don't quite regret
A tattoo that I cover up

But in the bathroom,
All alone,
I run my hands over you
Feel the texture on my skin,
And I smile

You're like a tattoo
*On a very secret spot

Sometimes I'm jealous of the poor
The financially poor
The ones that live in houses so close they're all like roommates
No, it isn't hypocrisy
This is the saying
They were born in the wild,
Learned to adapt early.
They fight for their share
And they're fair, about their share
Because we're all just trying to make it

Sometimes I'm jealous of the rich
The truly rich
The ones whose brothers don't have to share a name
The ones whose women they protect as their own
As their sisters, as their mothers
This is family
This is community
They respect from the old to the young
And protect those of their kind
But they give everyone a fair shot,
Because we're all just trying to make
**it

Have you ever?
Rolled in a field of the softest grass?
Lain in a basket of petals?
Been surrounded gently by feathers like clouds?

Have you ever?
Looked into the bottomless soul of innocence?
Heard the dancing of the winds like angelic music?
Smelled the musk of a sunny early morning?

Have you ever?
Looked into the future and seen boundless energy and love?
Felt the present with purpose and contentment?
*Said goodbye to your past?

The last time I felt like this must have been when I was a little girl.
When I felt special. When I felt loved. When I felt precious.

Before everything.

I remember grass being so green it was glowing yellow, and water being so majestically clear you could see a rainbow within it.
I remember laughing so beautifully, I felt like a song.
I remember dancing so freely, I felt like I could fly.

I remember so many things, otherwise blurred by the scars of the aftermath...
The one I could never heal from...
The one...

The one I can see in my rear view mirror
And
For
Once
*I feel free

Things are great.
Everything's great.
Except me.

I don't want to be here.
Yet I am

No chains on my wrists
No shackles on my ankles
Yet I am here
Where I don't want to be

There's no gun to my head
No knife to my throat
Nobody watching me,
Holding me captive

So why am I here?
**When I don't want to be?

I looked at you, and I was proud
Proud to have met you
Proud to have touched you
Proud to have moved you
Proud to have loved you

One. Two.
It's windy where I walk, and muddy.
Three. Four.
I'm unstable and keep getting my feet stuck.
Five. Six.
I fall down.

One. Two.
It's cold now, as the wind hits me where I'm wet.
Three. Four.
It seems stickier. I shiver.
Five. Six.
Then I hear the voices.

One. Two.
"You'll never make it!"
Three. Four.
"You don't even know anyone who ever has!"
Five. Six.
A tear falls.

One. Two.
I'm pushing my hardest.
Three. Four.
I'm crying uncontrollably.
Five. Six.
It doesn't seem to be enough.

Don't you see? Don't you see me trying? Don't you see me crying? Is none of it enough?
Will it ever be enough?

Seven. Eight.
*I won't give up.

I hear a sound. A creak. I look around, but I've been surrounded by darkness for so long that I wouldn't be surprised if I had gone blind.
And then I see it.

Light

Firstly, I'm amazed that I can see it.
Secondly, I'm struck by its presence.
Light? How? Where from?

"Who's there?"
‎No voice

A part of me wants to go toward the light. It's beautiful. It's radiant. It feels like freedom. But I don't seem to be able to. I can walk around it, but my body refuses when I try take a step toward it. The physical prison I've been in has formed within my mind, and I come to the grave realisation.

*I'll never be free

I arrive.
I knock on the door. It's jammed.
You're inside.
I wait outside as you try to open it, but your key's broken.
"It'll take a while," you say.
It's a beautiful day, so I wait outside. We talk through the wood, and you open a window so we can talk easier.
A cold wind starts to blow.
"It's cold," I say.
You pass me a jacket from inside, and I wear it. It's not so cold any more, and I'm alright. We keep talking, and you're figuring out a way to open the door.
I feel a drop on my nose. Oh my. Rain.
I ask if I can help. I can't. You take my bag through the window. I won't fit.
Maybe we can break the lock? Maybe we can break the door? Maybe a back door? No, none of those. Another drop on my cheek. Oh my. Rain.

The truth is, if you wanted to let me in you would. You'd figure it out and I'd be inside, warm, with you.
The truth is, it's raining. And I don't think I should be risking penumonia.
The truth is, you have my bag, and everything in it.
The truth is, if you don't let me in, I'll be forced to leave.

*And the truth is, I don't want to.

Sometimes I wish I was a brainless drone

To not be laboured by heavy thoughts
To not be concerned by outer affairs
To do only what I've been programmed to do
Feel only what I've been programmed to feel*
To live my life with a blank stare
With no smiles, with no tears*
So that everything wasn't so painful
Even if it'd mean I'd feel never joyful

I'd wake up every morning, blink three times
Wash my face, brush three times
Every breakfast, have three bites
Have a cup of coffee, as I begin to sell my soul
To the wheels that would control me, that chain my soul


Sometimes I wish I was a brainless drone
To not get so tired
To not feel so alone

It still hurts
When I lie awake in my bed at night
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
It still hurts
When I'm walking down the street
Watching my feet hit the ground in rhythm
It still hurts
When I stare at myself in the mirror
Early morning when I'm brushing my teeth
It still hurts

It'll always hurt
but I'm used to it

I'm on my knees.
Soaked. Choking. Dying.
I fall flat.
Gasping. Coughing. Crying.
On the shore.
I survived.

I open my eyes.
Blinking. Squinting.
My body is frozen.
I'm crying.
I survived.

*I'm alive.

Fourteen Years Old

They're fighting again. I can feel it.
She tells me to be careful.
He.... He says nothing.
and I'm not surprised
Why won't he say anything? Why won't he tell me? Doesn't he think I can handle it? Doesn't he think I'm strong enough? Old enough? Enough?
Just enough?
And then I start to wonder.

Is that why?
Because I'm not enough?
Or maybe I'm too much?
Didn't he want this?
Didn't he want me?*

Didn't he promise me forever?

Thirteen Years Old

He's back.
...and I'm terrified
I'm elated, curious, angry, relieved, confused....
Torn*
Where was he? Why did he go? Why is he back? What happened? What's happening? What should I say? What should I do?
How should I feel?
I spent *years trying to make sense of it all, learning to dance in the silence, soaking my pillow at night so that I could smile in the day...
How should I feel?
I'm on my feet now, I learned the hard way. I've got callouses on my hands, scars on my knees, puffy eyes and a broken heart, but I'm on my feet, and I've been dancing.
What's​ happening? What should I say? What should I do?
*How should I feel?

Nine years old

I can feel it.
His absence.
It's the loudest silence I've ever heard.
Somehow I didn't notice when the volume started getting softer. I didn't notice when the lyrics grew sparse. I didn't notice when the band turned acoustic, and when the singing became a hum...
I just thought it was a part of the music.
until it stopped completely
Somehow I know he's gone this time.
Somehow I know he won't be back for dinner.
Somehow I know... That the playlist is over... That the last song has played...

But I don't know how to hit "play next"
And it's the loudest silence I've ever heard.

Six years old*

There's tears in my eyes, dripping down my face.
"What's wrong?"
I don't know. But they won't stop. Down my cheeks, they drip off my chin.
"Why are you crying?"
I don't know. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm suffocating.
"What hurts?"
I don't know. But it's inside. Deep deep inside, I think it's my heart.
"What's wrong?"
I don't know! It hurts so bad, and I don't know why! I can't breathe!
"Is there anything..."*
I... I just... I just want it to stop.
They fall like the rain, almost as if the clouds are inside me. Yes. The clouds... They fall from the grey clouds, the ones that hurt... The ones that suffocate me... Maybe.... Maybe if I removed the clouds, I could breathe again. Maybe.... If.... I...

Take me, my naked self, and place me on your throne of knives.
Hold me, my broken self, and pierce me with your fangs.
Love me, my whole self, and I will be yours completely.

Wholly and honestly.
Truly and painfully.
To rip apart and to put together.
To learn and discover.

*For as long as breath passes through my lungs.

You told me you weren't ready.
That's what he said.
You told me you'd been hurt before.
That's what he said.
You told me to wait for you.
That's what he said.

And I did.
And he crushed me. He took my heart into his hands, as I had given to him, and he tore it apart into shreds as he smiled. He slid the knife right between the cracks of my ribs as his lips pressed onto mine. He twisted, and I screamed. He laughed as I cried. He said he didn't meant to. He said he didn't know. He said he wished things were different. Like he hadn't made them the way they were. My bones were crushed, my heart was torn, my soul was broken, and it took every atom of energy in the universe to bring me back to life.

**So forgive me if, when you ask me to wait, *I refuse.

There was a time,
long ago,
whence a girl lived.
She had a smile like roses,
eyes like music,
and a heart like the sun.

She lived in a place,
long ago,
where roses were burned for incense
where music was named noise
where the sun was always too bright, or too hot

Always too much

But then came a man,
not long ago,
with eyes like sunlight,
ears bearing sight,
and a heart like the universe.

He saw her smile, and it grew twice its size
He heard her soul and saw her life
And in his universe does she rest, the perfect light
*Happily Ever After

I was broken.

Shattered remains of what I used to be.
Random misaligned pieces, sprawled all over the floor, crushed more by whomever would walk over them.

And then you came.
And you saw.
Each piece you knew was a part of something greater.
"Something beautiful," you said.

You helped me pick up the pieces, ignoring the cuts on your hands.
You kept me safe, so noone else would hurt me.
You found a broken girl, but you saw *Kintsugi.

I want my hands on your body
my fingers on your skin
I want my lips on your earlobe
I'll whisper anything you like

*I want you

Why did you let me see you
If you would just run and hide?

Why did you let me hold you
If you would just get up and go?

Why did you let me hear you
If you would just go silent?

Why did you show me your heart
If you act like you didn't have one?

Why did I fall in love with you
*If you were never really there?

Let me show you my world

The gales that blow indoors
The colours that shine at night
The rains that flood my deserts

Let me show you my world

The bursts of poetry within the whispers
The symphonies of my heart beating
The light that shines* from the darkest soul

Come,
Let me show you my world.

After everything,
even if it was nothing

Over nothing,
even if it was everything

This can't be everything
This isn't anything

Please

my everything

Don't break everything
*over nothing

I feel like the happiest princess alive
My eyes are bright
My feet are light
I feel like the happiest princess alive