Today is like a brand new fifty cent stamp
Blue skies and dragonflies neath -
a golden lamp
A chorus of birds
Gardenia filled breezes
Picturesque landscapes to whittle -
and daydream

threading the thin line of uncertainty,

you had told my closest guy friend ****, i think i'm falling for her.

and later you would pinpoint that one moment, that one moment we realize we adore a person,

as the slightest second you were staring at your lock screen, which was my photo.

it had been a collage of me doing wacky poses in eighth grade,

a photograph i had posted on twitter as some sort of throwback thursday.

unbeknownst to me, you had saved it to your phone,

setting it as your lock screen and showing it to me the next day mainly to spite me.

over the next few weeks, you would save the photos i'd post or send you,

and set it as your wallpapers,

and come up with some witty one-liner to annoy me with.

and you'd tell me months on about that time you went to unlock your phone, stopping to smile at my old photo in all its chubby cheeks and corny poses glory,

only to realize,

****.

i have never been more thankful for throwback thursdays.

what's your full name? got any nicknames? pet names you swore to god you'll never let anyone call you?

do you have any siblings? pets? what are their names?

do you know harry potter? if yes, the books, or the movies? if no, have you been living under a rock all these years?

how do you take your coffee? two sugars, or more? do you mind if me drinking one too many cups is an equivalent to getting sugar rush? (i do that way too often, the caffeine overdose. after my sixth mug, i urge you to stop me.)

are you sure you like me?

what's your favorite color? ice cream flavor? movie? time of the day?

if you were a disney princess, who would you be, and why? which disney movie had the best ost?

any weird fetishes? kinks? fantasies? are you looking for a manic pixie dream girl? because let me tell you right off the bat, baby, you ain't gonna find her here—

can you tolerate awkward phone call silences? introversion? having me disappear on you because it's one of those days, well, really, it's been one of those days with me for almost years now, but that's not really the point;

will you hold my face and tell me it's okay even though i repeatedly tell you it's not? if it comes to it, will you take the pills from my hand and empty the barrel of its bullets and hold me closer even if i scream at you to just leave me the **** alone?

when my demons come out to play, will you help me fight them off? when i can't get out of bed, will you come with me underneath the covers and let me find comfort in your chest? when i am convinced the universe is against me, will you prove me otherwise?

are you absolutely sure you can love a messed up girl like me?

funny, isn't it? how facebook displays how long it's been since a person was last active. they remind me that i was a mere three hundred seconds from catching you online, but that's okay; no, really!, it is;

because my fingers are hovering over my keyboard and the blinker's just blinking in its white little space, this Type a message... glaring at me accusingly. wait, give me a second. what do i tell you? what should i say?

hi is safe. so is hello. hey seems a little too casual, doesn't it? should i put an emoji? a heart? no, no. a smiley face. but just the normal smiley face, not the one with closed eyes and everything. or maybe i should use that instead?

but /then what/?

i guess i could ask you how your day went. that sounds well enough. i can ask you about the weather. no, ******, it's always hot. nothing interesting there. i'll just branch out after you tell me what you've done today, where you've gone. oh, you went to the movies? that's great. last movie i watched was Captain America: Civil War. are you team cap or team iron man? peachy. just peachy. perfect. i've got this. i am s--

*******, you're online. why are you online? the green circle is just staring at me and oh my god, you're typing, you're typing in to our chat box. oh my god. i liked it better when you were inactive. when you were offline. now i just wait, maybe pretend i wasn't this loser waiting for you to talk to me, this loser who had you on my mind, this loser overthinking what i should say to y--

You (12:39 PM)
Hey. I was just thinking about you. :)

when you are looking down towards me, hesitating in the moment when you should be leaning in, i find myself smirking. i am eight inches smaller and yet, i will never tire of standing on my tiptoes to kiss you and whisper coward against your lips.

she weaves through crowds with little effort. she will occupy everything there is to be stayed in; your body, your mind, your heart; she will take any space she can get. do not think you can hold on to her. she will always slip through your fingers.

she walks like she is dancing, like she is floating. she is both in your lungs and on your lips; sometimes, it will feel like she is not in either. you will tread this thin line between love and necessity. do not call her your everything. once she leaves, you will be left for dead.

she speaks with a fever that reminds you of your own. she is the girl your mother warned you not to get too close to, but there is something enticing about the way she can warm you up from the inside. don't be stupid. a flame is always a flame, and flames burn.

she has been abused for far too long and yet she remains firm, and constant. she will remind you of the flowers in your soul and the callouses on your hands, tell you that they are equally beautiful. don't be fooled. her heart is heavy, and you must be atlas to carry it.

You agitate, I soothe

I laugh, you cry

You procrastinate, I plan

I toil, you sleep

You mingle, I retreat

I reach, you blench

You deceive, I release

I purify, you violate

You mystify, I enlighten

I grow, You shrink

You ignore, I explore

I create, you destroy

You devour, I nibble

I give, you take

You walk, I run

I defend, you assault

You subtract, I add

*I love, you hate

To the boy who has my heart, if we were any more real.*

If we were, I’ll surprise you more often. So please don’t get ******* if someone knocks on your door at 1AM while you’re still asleep. That would be me standing on your doorway, cradling a tupperware of leftover pizza and a bunch of rented movies. I’d risk an all-nighter just to be with you.

If we were, I will be your number one fan. I’ll sneak out just to watch your football games. I won’t be ashamed of standing on the bleachers just to cheer for you. I won’t hesitate to chant boo’s against your opponents. It’s going to be worthwhile anyway.

If we were, every second will be golden. Even the little stops we’ll make to get ice cream cones from the store. Even the times we’ll forget to bring an umbrella and we’ll have no choice but walk through the puddles and get ourselves rained on. Every little memory will be an important story.

If we were, we’d go on spontaneous road trips together. We’ll sing to the songs playing nonstop on the radio. We’d go places we’ve been to before, we’d visit places we never knew existed. We’d go everywhere together. We’d go on adventures like our parents didn’t warn us about our curfews.

If we were, you won’t ever have to feel inferior to everyone and everything anymore. For the reason that is, you are the sun. Please don’t forget that. You are the sun aglow when everything else is pitch black.

To the boy who has my heart, you’ve long been the pinnacle of my list.
Nothing’s gonna change that. You are irreplaceable. You are worth every thing, little or big. You deserve to know how amazing you are every day.

Someday, someone will own that beating thing inside of you. She will make you feel flowers growing in the pit of your stomach. She will kindle the fireworks in your blank, inky nights. She will make you feel loved. I want to be that person.

And I’ll tell you, that’s all I ever want to be.

After all, you are the boy etched in my insides.

*The boy who has my heart.