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Jan 2021 · 323
first man Jan 2021
the wall
you asked me once 
why i let you in
when i had described it impenetrable ,
here , have your answer now
everyone , did the most
human thing a human can do ,
penetrated the wall
some walls are impenetrable
for some walls you have to ask
and you asked .
show me your scars
they distort your skin
and i will show you mine
i will run my fingers over them
kissing them as i go
i promise there won't be more
they matter to me but they don't
don't you see , i love you ?
words used to burst in my mouth
in praise of your ethereal self
but now all i do is look
falling deeper into the abyss
i want to fall in this abyss
i don't want to stop falling
just love me a little
let me rest in your lap
i don't ask for much
i will wipe your tears
just don't hurt me more
i have given you what was left
i promise i will stay .
Jan 2021 · 56
first man Jan 2021
she lied
she lied to me for me ,
they , punched her on the nose
her skull swollen
choked her neck
dug fingernails
kicked her
slapped her
threw her on the floor
she fought her world
to save another
and she didn't tell me
for she knew i would break
even when she lay on the floor , bleeding
she thought of how to not hurt me
and she tells me she is not strong
they did this to her , for what ?
just because she dared to love .
sitting on the cold washroom floor ,
the sky is black today
the black that seeps into your very soul
the black that kills
the black that you drown in
the black that consumes you
the black that becomes you
her skin is bruised , her body hurt
her head swollen , oh , how i wish with my whole soul that it could have been me
without a mere second of hesitation would i not take a thousand times of this
smiling , just so it doesn't happen to her
my soul winces just at the thought
of the marks on her beautiful body & soul .
a laugh escapes my throat  , a laugh at life ,
gave me my love , but with it  
the inability to save her from this .
i promised to her i will not cry
when she spoke of this
and for the first time
i failed with my promise .
rid me of insomnia she said
and she did
but we both know
our nights spent , thinking of the pain of the other , watching the hours tick by
until finally sleep takes over .
i wish i could hold her ,
kiss her bruises
nurse her wounds
talk her to sleep
feed her with my hands
heal her with my soul
my love with her
everywhere , forever , don't be scared
i am not going anywhere
wish we could be
anywhere but here
anywhere but here .
Jan 2021 · 134
first man Jan 2021
lying on my face
staring at the phone  screen
the cursor blinking  
out of sync with the wall clock ticking
the light from the street falling
on the clutter of the table
almost timidly , as if scared by the darkness
why is there a table in the room ?
the shadows of the objects
look more ominous today
a certain shade of black
a scary shade , i won't get lost
i promise to myself for you
bahot yaad aati hai , ye aansu nahi ruk rahe
oh ,  it's a bedside table
i don't feel alright , it's too silent now
i feel haunted , in every room i go
i see a moment of us  but i will be here
i will be here ,
tuh haste hue bahot
khoobsurat lagti hai meri jaan  
bahot khoobsurat
Jan 2021 · 98
first man Jan 2021
it had been so long , hope had started waning , wished for you my entire life . the nights spent awake till dawn broke , crying under the blankets to be protected from this world , willing for you to turn into a reality with the full force of my entire being . dreamt for you with eyes wide awake , on lonely walks through the grey corridors or a stroll into the woods , searching for you , waiting for you , it started to seem like you couldn't exist outside my imagination . the cigarettes burnt in the dead of the night in cold bathrooms , staring at my own reflection in a pool of water , disgusted, the breeze of the night soothing the burns of my soul .
then suddenly you arrived , unexpected , uprooting everything , chaotic beautiful , all efforts to keep you out for the sake of fears deep seated trampled down by your love as the flowers growing by the roadsides must have been murdered as the great armies would have marched by at the behest of their leaders , on their way to sacrifice their lives  . i knew my dream was now a reality,  and magic existed in our  world when i saw you laugh , when i saw you laugh because of me , when you called me yours for the first time , when you told me i had healed you and when you looked into my eyes and spoke ' i love you ' .
i knew then , love exists and you had come for me  . i knew then i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and create infinite infinities . i knew then i loved you and i would love you even after this universe met it's end .
i love you .
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