I find myself in this state of mind, where I fear getting better, I am totally and utterly afraid of what is going to happen and I don’t know how to process such things. I don’t know why I am locking myself away from such a wanted and needed feeling that is right in front of me, I keep myself withdrawn from ever feeling something good for too long, I fear comfort in happiness. I am so scared to fall too deeply into something I may not come out of—once again as I tend to desert  myself in places I don’t know how to find my way back to, for I vanish into thin air and leave with the words ‘I love you’. I wake up with an ache in my heart, and full medicine bottles on my night stand as I  repeatedly spiral out of control just to never reach the end of this, I am a bottomless pit of disparity. I feel like I am drowning myself, Where my mind is trying to **** me, and my heart is involuntarily keeping me alive, I am suffocating; I’m trying to breathe but I simply cannot reach the surface for air, I am far too deep to come back.

I’ve been chain smoking the night away, and choking on clean air
I’ve been wondering who I am and how I got here
I’ve been acting a bit anxious and seeming a bit sad, but truth is I’m unhappy and even a little mad. 
I want to start over and forget everything I knew, but somehow my head will never forget you.
I’ve been looking at the clouds and watching the sunset, 
I’ve been hoarding empty boxes of all these cigarettes.
I’ve been looking for new things to discover and to do, but some how everything goes back to you.

I just can’t wait to get my hands on you, I can’t wait to press you up against my lips, to breathe you in, to feel everything that you do, I want to wrap my fingers around you. I begin to light this cigarette for it’s the only thing I love and I press my lips up against it and breathe it in. You’re nothing but a burning flame in my eyes, I will only love you for this moment, but then I will stomp on you until your flames cannot be seen, until your all burnt out and have given up trying to relight your flame. I destroy everything I love.

You’re on my mind I thought you’ve left, you knocked on the door and waited on the step. You got impatient and knocked again, you don’t think I’m home but it’s just pretend. I don’t want to see you, you make me feel blue, I think I’m better off just not answering you. I’m waiting for you to leave so I can go on, but with you on my mind it makes it feel wrong. The third time you knocked, I started to give in, you’re back in my mind once again.