Can you handle me on sleepless nights
after midnight when past regrets
turn into future fears?
Will you be able to calm that sea?
Because my teeth feel loose inside my mouth
and some days I worry too much.
Some days my clothes are a tad bit too big
or too small,
and my glasses don’t sit right.
I guess they still keep you in focus.
I wonder what you’d think
if you saw all the thoughts I had.
What if I’m not enough?
You’d think it’d be a question
but some days it just becomes a statement
that I bury underneath fearful eyes.
I guess I forget that it can be answered.
But what if?
What if I’m not enough.

What is it that makesmefeel alive
                                                      Could­ it be the way you touch my face
                                                            ­                          sometimes
                             ­                                                      in sweet hesitation
                                                      ­          or
                                                    ­                               embarrassed confusion
                                                       ­         or
                                                     ­                            I actually don't know most of the time

The ground invites me everywhere, makesmefeel endless. But only if my heels sink into the soggy paths
                                                           ­  Unlimited in any direction
                                                  →   ↑    ↓    ←               the only requirement is to ask [where]....

Icanfeel myself merging
into the planes above, drawn to the only man in the sky strong enough for the extra weight
I haven't prepared at all, for what might happen
if it rained
and my grip slipped (along with GODs tears)
returning to the place I thought I flew away from
                                           "flew"
right on ↑ with the smoke from your ears, the last exhale of Tink's fairy dust
no one imagined lighting it on fire and sending only their minds, NeverNever to Land again

>>>>>
Hair mademefeel like a doll
          MADE OF ROCKS AND BLOCKS AND HARD PLACES
       .........remember? dolls are breakable and I don't like glass so I found tough stuff
      // But hair //
I could swing it all day and create sound waves → Always wondered if anyone heard the same tune. I cut it, the pitch was too flat and now its High and Mighty
                    
                           I promised the part that [makesmefeel]
that     s   l   o   w     is the way to go
                                                              ­                                                              so I drove on the right side
                                                            ­                                   looked both ways and would you believe it!
                            I crashed
                            but just my car
and the ♥'s of my life said things can be replaced and $$$ isn't everything
so I smiled and sprinkled more dust and let the hurt of guilt strip down to its naked truth
I'll keep trying to make sure my heart
doesn't stop and we can all
carry on

for see, while sometimes
what  [makesmefeel] can get confused,
it's happy
                                                           ­        ---loaded with images and dinners for two and promises
                                                        ­             my friends make to each other and a glamorous glowing
most of all its nervous about the long run
I've never ventured without shoes
and it's all so rocky-not like the yachts on a bad day
but the way rapids plan their jogging trials

and all the sights all the sounds
all the finger ****** and cotton
the cheats and final laps
ribbons and red pens
all the gentle brushstrokes and chafing
                                                                ­               that's what   makesmefeel    alive

I hadn't cried in so, so long,
And here I thought that made me strong,
I was wrong,

If we don't mourn for what we've lost,
We aren't above the pain,
We are afraid,

The hardest part of life,  you see,
Is to practice,
What you preach,

I've been preaching endlessly,
My years,
All gone in speech,

But who am I to tell you so,
When I myself don't even know,
How best to proceed,

I'm but a girl, stuck in her head,
With a heart, sick and full of dread,
Open and in need,

Looking to every vice I can,
To stifle what I understand,
The truth is far too real,

What I choose is who I am,
Before I run and hide again,
I must; I choose to feel.

Simple, right angles
Neat, no tangles
Safe, inside
Listen, law abide

Outside, undefined
Chaotic, unmined
Dangers, wide agape
Wild, the escape

I use to be so full of life.
I wore vibrant colors
Tye-dyed
purples
greens
oranges
reds
blues
I wore a head full of dreadlocks
and inspiring thoughts
but
                      something
                    ­                                  went
                          ­                                                   wrong

I use to have this box
full of everything I regarded as sacred
I took it with me everywhere I went








I                                   the                                away.....
                ­put                                box
























­
















far away








up in the attic
hidden beneath
other boxes
covered with the dust
of several years,                                                          ­It hasn't even been one


As I searched through the attic
in search of something unrelated
I stubbed my toe on the box
I realized
I forgot                                                           ­     
the box was even there

and it all came back
a flood     with
a typhoon     accompanied by
a hurricane
Smashed against a hollow city

Overwhelmed by the sheer immensity of  it all

I












Just













cried















and
















cried




­
My hair is cut now.
I must remain within regulation
The colors have dulled
into charcoal grey
the same color my ashtray is stained with
the same color my shoes are
the same color my sweaters are
the same color of this website


THE SAME DULL COLOR

My socks match
white
black
green
grey               <<<<<< There it is again....

everything is 01010010011010010110010001101001011000110111010101101100011011110­1110101011100110000110100001010

yes that is 1 word.

heart = 0110100001100101011000010111001001110100
mind = 01101101011010010110111001100100


I use to live my life through the process of making memories
something that can not be measured
converted
defined
even though I did all three of those to it

That is why she left
and she left                           I started chuckling to myself
and she left

I
Me
the 9th letter of the English alphabet according to the rest of the world
changed
and I wasn't even aware of it
until it was over

I don't even recognize my laugh anymore...
or my dreams...

But I have my box