i wish i could go up to that roof in detroit
up the 73 floors to top
i can only imagine the view
how the wind will feel going down
but that’s too much of a mess
too public, i don’t want to bother anyone
so i’ll dress my best like a princess
and fantasize of flower fields
blooming with new life in spring
and pretty pills for pretty girls
that make them sleep forever
only having sweet dreams
no dragons, no thorns
i wonder if they’ll find me
if i go, i’ll miss you
the air tickles my skin like static
my stomach cries and my head is pounding
thighs begging again again again
nothing feels real anymore
what did i do to deserve that
i was a kid
i was your kid
why didn’t you love me like you loved them
i’m sorry i remind you of him
i love you mom
i wish that i could write
i wish that i had words worth value
there's simply nothing i can say
that i haven't already said
so i wish for something new
something to write about
something to remember
something as a reminder
why i need to keep living
my mouth is sewn shut
sealed closed by barbed wire
that tears my face apart
and makes me recognize myself
less and less every day
when i try to ask for help
while spitting venom
and projecting the fears
that keep me awake
later tonight i will
sit and wait
every shadow reminds me of you
go outside and fill your lungs with smoke
drink one two three four twelve beers
my eighteen year old body will hide and choke
brain rushing and filling with eleven year old fears
running car engine and slamming car door
both will send me running away
age fourteen you're implying i'm a *****
you weren't a good mother much to my dismay
you throw me to the side again and again
then you swear that you really do love me
but i never see how where why when
your claims of love make me laugh
you don't love me with your whole heart
you don't even love me with half
you always wish you could hit restart
it'll be like this until my grave
i wish i could trust you
i wish i could feel safe
but those are jokes too.
why did i have to be the biggest mistake you made
skin bean bag chairs are sliced and emptying
the rocking chair of bones creak and splinter
hot tubs filled crimson and boiling
organs in the office soon to be fired
small home in absolute shambles
this is the best it's been in years
although seen obscene
it's the war between
three days of hallow
in exchange for
three days of strength
but there is always
dizzy stumbling falling
headaches chills fatigue
whether it was the sickness
or my debt to be paid
it was a fair trade
to feel untouchable
I was in heavenly bliss
Because for one night
I was his
I still haven't slept
I heard them all night
They're louder now
I don't feel safe
I'm cold and alone
Everyone is asleep
Please be quiet
You're all too loud
Forgetting where I am
Who and what are safe anymore
Cats and dogs here, warm and safe
Not at my own home
Can't go anywhere
My eyes burn with tears
Can't cry, they might wake up soon
I need help
when did breakfast
become a feeling
every skipped meal
every late night call
every broken promise
i'm sorry for each and every one.
once clean white walls,
they now drip blood.
can't bring myself to make the calls
as my tears fall in a flood.
eventually this small room
will consume my mind and all.
make sure to visit my tomb
on a lovely day in fall.
i'll write everyone a letter,
something they may appreciate.
written down seems prettier, better.
friends and family, letters will await.
pre-planned and ready to go,
nobody will see it coming.
make my funeral a party, a show,
nobody should be bumming.
although i despised life,
don't take my death with strife.
hug me before i go.
if his eyes were the last thing i saw
before mine closed for the last time,
i would die happy simply knowing
that i saw the lovely ocean
one last time
just a quick short one because i haven't posted in a long while and wowow i'm full of so much love rn
it all falls away
looking at arms and thighs
they're the wrong places to peek
prepared to spit out rehearsed lies
another round of hide and seek
they're surprised i do so well
this little game we play
rubies spill burning like hell
it all falls away
i'm the best at hiding
this black hole
it rips out of my chest
screeching and tearing
i thought i locked it away
it's all too much again
its grip is deadly
tunnels tunnels tunnels
there's no escape
it will swallow me whole
no help is here
lost in the abyss
all my drafts have been cleared
i posted old poem after old poem
and now this is what i feared
with my thoughts, i am alone
i cannot articulate my words
and as much as i want to write more
the ideas fly away like birds
and i use old ideas like a *****
over and over
heartbreak, hunger, lost lover
nothing new, lines rehearsed
i fear the unknown
i could scream to the moon and sun
how my heart beats out of my chest
how your smile has me come undone
you're on my mind so often, i can't rest
your smart mouth, determination, wit
you show you care by giving a lecture
and it's funny watching you throw a fit
although in love i'm an amateur
no matter what life may bring
i can promise you now
i wanna be there for everything
and that's a vow
went through my drafts, this was an old one that was decent
my flesh screams at itself
bile rising in my throat
shaking fingers grasping silver
the walls are closing in
the swarm starts again
swirling twisting spinning
claws tearing apart flesh
wishing to fold in on myself
how many times until i disappear
slowly carving my apology in the wall
apologizing for getting worse again
there's no excuse good enough
nothing can dismiss these ghouls
they pull a blanket of the night over me and have pinned it down
i cannot find my way out
it is too dark to have any hope
in this night i am filled with doubt
that i can ever escape
let my blood drops turn to roses
may they bloom at my grave
so if anyone visits this cemetery
they will know where to find me
signed the walking corpse of a boy
that buried his own body
why do i always go on tangents at 3am
tired of trying
so sick of crying
it's become habit for me to be lying
about what's going on in my head
and how often i wish i was dead
every night i'm filled with dread
i constantly feel alone
but i don't wanna pick up the phone
scared of being a bother to any friend
so i face the worst on my own again
one day, i'll make this end
maybe in a fatal way
i have been sick
with coughing fits
not too long after
i start a drawing
of the ****** flowers
caused by unrequited love
i'm genuinely sick and have been for a while, i just found the timing funny
p l e a s e
-something i wrong in 9th or 10th grade
she talks to me quite randomly
that's when i have to remind myself the most
that her methods are not healthy
and that in this body, i am the host
but she looks like an angel, so pure and pretty
how could i not trust her?
i want to kiss you
let me look into those beautiful eyes
and let our hands intertwine
as our hearts beat as one
god, just say you want me baby
and give us a chance
and for once
i might actually beg
for you not to leave me
no matter how odd i am
trust me when i say
i shall not beg
for even the
i am such a failure
that if ana taught a class
i would rarely pass
i'm a slacker to her
i try to skip her class
but eventually get dragged in
and if mia was a teacher
i would be an old student
her class is no longer one i want
my final grade
for either of them
would not be passing
because i can't even be empty correctly
it starts slow
each and every time
extra focus on school
a sucker replaces breakfast
quitting fun activities
staying quiet more often
eating only half my lunch
shutting myself in my room
baggy shirts become hoodies
barely looking in mirrors
lying becomes easy again
the truth is harder to spit out that swallow
feeling colder as the days go by
making a game out of periods
"hunger pains or cramps? haha guess i'll never know"
melatonin almost every night
mirrors make me sick
lunch is cut out of the day
making up excuses
cafeteria is pointless now
spending lunch in the hallways
sometimes a classroom
dinner is only half touched
water is the only thing that fills me
school work and exercising takes up all my time
and i'm only at "barely looking in mirrors" now
the numbers are all that matter
i keep track of them
whenever they go up
and every time they
closer to beauty
closer to perfection
closer to zero
two words little words
they grab hold of my thoughts
this body is now on autopilot controlled by them
they knitpick at this casing
"it is unfitting and disgusting"
is what this dictator screams
what once was so painful to hear
is now a symphony to my ears
nodding my head to the beat
the fingers move on their own
they trail up to my mouth and past my teeth
they tickle the back of my throat and grip hard and pull and pull
they rip out every bit of joy from the inside until i am an empty well
next the needle dances along my face
it twirls around my lips and pulls in tight
it's as if this is a romantic waltz
that is until my stomach yells
i realize the true purpose of the pretty ribbons sealing me shut
"this is how to be like them"
it echos for a short moment and i question it until she repeats him
"you weren't good enough"
once the door opens they all poor out
a flood of every whisper and shout
"you'll never be good enough"
"not pretty enough"
"not smart enough"
"not thin enough"
and the battle begins again
to be hallow is to be beautiful
to be beautiful is to be small
to be small is to be fragile
to be fragile is to be empty
to be empty is to be killing yourself
to be killing yourself is to be good enough
we have the meetings
we fill out the papers
we go through the process
we are told
"our systems take time to update"
"it'll be a few weeks"
and yet what we receive is:
i have now waited an entire year.
several meetings with the school's social worker
two meetings with the vice principal
this will most likely not be the last but
today shall be the first meeting with the principal
their system says we don't exist
we scream back
WE DO EXIST
this war is long from over
this i know for sure
but this here
is the start
i'm meeting with my principal today to discuss issues among transgender students. enough is enough.
"you'd be jealous"
they lost 42 pounds
in only four months
quickly doing the math
that's 10.5 pounds per month
2.625 pounds per week
i laughed a bit
realizing their monthly rate
was how much i had lost
within only two weeks
then i asked myself
"why would i be jealous
when i can be better
and lose that 42 pounds
in half the time took them?"
Positive messages and encouraging words fall from my lips
They slip out so easily to others that it almost seems rehearsed
I know my lines very well, I say them almost everyday
My friends are depressed and doubt themselves
They say such terrible things to themselves and are full of hate
I know what that's like, I do the exact same
Plastering on a smile like putting a poster over a hole in the wall
I tell them how beautiful they are and how much they mean to me
How smart, talented, brave, amazing, gorgeous, handsome
They give a sheepish smile, almost embarrassed
Like they were being scolded like a child
They say thank you and hug me and mutter "you too"
But I don't believe it for a second.
I grin and say "thank you!" because the show must go on
Even if that "you too" felt like a stab instead of a hug
The blood from their knives come out as black goop
It's thick and the more it builds up the less I can breathe
I wish I could say those praises to myself as well
But when I do all I can scream back is "Liar! Liar! Liar!"
This poster stays up all day
Even as the walls fill with black goop
Nobody questions it, they enjoy the poster
They would rather see the pretty decorations
Instead of seeing how the room was before they were put up
These decorations have been up for five years now
Some things have changed, people compliment them
Because it's just so convincing that they never thought to ask how many times I tried to tear this room down and how it's still here
There are posters all over, covering all the holes
Everything is hidden
And it's so convincing
It'll stay like that
Until I finally set this room ablaze.
I am sick.
My nose is stuffy
My throat is sore
Headaches & fever
Loss of hearing in my right ear
But there's more than that.
My stomach begs for food when I do not feel hungry.
I shiver and curl in on myself and say that it's alright.
Lies spill from my mouth like a waterfall.
This body is home to more darkness than this world has ever seen.
I am unsure how to ask my doctor why this is happening.
When asked before why my dress size went from an 18 to a 14 so quickly, I could not give an answer.
This is my last year of high school and I know what is safe to have.
How much orange juice to have without going over 100.
Where I can sit without my friends finding me.
Who to give my food to that won't ask questions.
Classes to miss because sometimes, it's too much.
I know who keeps an extra jacket all year round.
Which bathrooms are okay for shoving my fingers down my throat.
But I still don't know how to type a report on this illness and explain why I did not have any sources cited.
How to tell a teacher that the quotes are from me and other people that I had gotten tips from.
A group chat full of screaming teenagers who are all just dying to be thinner, to go down just one-two-seven more sizes.
Instagram accounts full of inspirational pictures and advice for the caption, occasionally posting a check of themselves.
Websites that have been deleted by now that I had spent hours looking at and writing rules from.
How am I supposed to tell a teacher that....
My report was so well written because I was my main source of information?
I can't look at foods and drinks without seeing numbers?
I can't look in a mirror without wanting to cry?
I view food as poison to my body?
I sleep in class so often because my body is lacking the nutrients it needs to keep going?
I have been like those screaming teenagers for years and as much as I say that I'm better, I will always be like them?
How do I explain to my teacher I'm slowly killing myself and I can't stop it?
At least my report was turned in on time. That's all that matters to them.
I had to study eating disorders and mental health issues for school and it didn't go so well and I ended up writing this...
It's a tad rusty
The key barely goes in
The inside is so messy
Please don't unlock it and go in
You'll regret it
Don't touch that lock
Don't turn that key
It's so hard
The rust will corrupt
Why can't you see?
This is a terrible room
There is acid on the ground
The air is filled with toxic fumes
You won't make it out alive
If you manage to escape after entering then you will never be the same
On the other hand, if you cannot eacape
You will remain another visitor in this place that met their untimely fate
Please leave and don't come back
Take the key and run far away
Don't let anyone get it
Melt it down and poor it into the keyhole
Seal it shut forever
Don't let me drag anyone else in here for I am the one that created this hellish place and I cannot destroy it
— A letter from my brain to those trying to enter my heart.
Just a little
Tiny tiny tiny
Don't let them see
It's just a small-medium-large cut
Don't let them know
Throw out your breakfast-lunch-dinner
If they know, they'll scream
Your glass foundation will shatter
They'll leave you behind
You'll be locked away
Do you want to be alone again?
All alone in the dark?
It's quite scary isn't it,
Being alone with me
You know what you must do
Make up excuses
Do what you need to do
Stay out of the spotlight
DON'T LET THEM SEE
IT WAS THE ONE RULE
YOU MUST RUN
HIDE HIDE HIDE DISAPPEAR
DON'T LET THE FIND YOU
SHRINK SHRINK SHRINK
BECOME SO SMALL THAT YOU CANNOT BE SEEN
YOU'RE SO CLOSE
JUST A LITTLE CLOSER
LOOK DOWN AT THE CRASHING WAVES
TAKE A DEEP BREATH
RELAX YOUR MUSCLES
J U M P
Name: Alec Crawford
Diagnosis: Depression. Anxiety. Violent Outbursts. Anorexia. Impulse Control Disorder.
Side Notes: Self Mutilation; Keep Patient Away From Objects Capable Of Harm. Occasional Ticks And Fidgets.
DOD: May 14, 2018.
Cause Of Death: Suicide; After Jumping Off Oceanside Cliff, Went Unconscious Upon Impact, Drowned.
I said to disappear, right?
Now I'll make sure they never know you even existed.
I think I'm going to continue making little character writings and have multiple parts for each character. Each part will be numbered.
Edit: I never expected this to get as popular as it did... I've been wanting to explain this one for a while now. The DOD was the most recent night that I planned to commit suicide. Instead, I made a character that was a spit image of me and let him do it instead...
— The End —