when is it my time to be happy again?
the universe doesn't feel next to me anymore and i can't hear the ocean when i close my eyes anymore.
my bouncing, anxious leg kept me awake and i couldn't help but think of you.
where are you?
who are you?
when i think of you, you seem like a bad dream now.
a really, really bad dream.
a fairytale of storms and natural disaster.
as i exhale, it seems almost as if my lungs shake,
making the breath that leaves me feel uncertain and foreign.
you'd think that since i've breathed like this for as long as i can remember that it'd become a home for me
but it's still not me,
something inside me tells me that something is wrong,
that the uneasiness of my breathe isn't normal.
i stared into nothing as i breathed like this,
my limbs would sometimes go numb and the world would move in slow motion,
sometimes my head would stop running thoughts
,and as much as i should,
i liked it.
i liked feeling nothing, the uneasiness of my breathe would somehow comfort me.
i could forget for 5 seconds and sometimes that was enough.
instagram // @heavenforecaster
in two hours,
i will be 18.
i'm claiming this to be the birthday that i am New.
the past was never lived,
i was never that person,
i am not that person.
i am now,
i am love,
i am growth,
i am New,
so utterly terrified yet relieved,
i am New,
i am 18.
happy birthday to me
it was one of those days to be silent.
the frustration and anger and sadness mixed in with each other that i could no longer tell what i was feeling.
but i knew i just needed to be silent.
dear my beloved,
i'm writing to you now to say goodbye.
the pain has gotten too much and i wish to run away,
for if we come across each other in the future naturally,
i ask you to hug me and hold me close.
lord knows i need it.
perhaps you can't find me,
i'll be in paris.
every afternoon, i'll drink wine on my balcony.
i'll look for you at the stars and if you wish to not look for me,
remember me for the least.
my love, this has all come to an end
but i really do pray that you wish to find me.
goodbye for now, my love.
from your forever love:
i floated through your cosmos.
touching every star, every rock, every planet, even the pieces of wandering debris.
i liked yours much better than mine.
the pressure that always used to be in my head was no longer.
i looked at you and i looked at all of this and i could swear i heard a voice telling me to stay.
to stay for a little longer,
that i didn't have to let go.
so i didn't.
i held on tighter to you,
to all of this.
the stardust hugged us and we felt whole.
we danced with the stars and spun the planets ourselves.
we floated through Our cosmos.
loving and living as one.
instagram : @heavenforecaster
i would give you
all the stars,
all the planets,
just to see that smile