I feel numb. That's the word to describe how I feel. Numb. I'm trying to trace back to a time I cried from laughter. I’m stumbling upon times I soaked myself in tears mourning the broken parts of me.
I can’t feel my smile. I can’t feel my lips forming a smile. I can’t feel my cheeks hurting from smiling. Nor can I feel the love I once so proudly possessed. I feel alone in a world full of billions, I feel my self-hatred nibbling at my skin burning away the decent parts of me reminding me I will never be loved the same way I love.

My body is cold from a winter that’s never left. My body has permanently resided in this season. My soul feels frozen it’s worked it’s way up to my body in its entirety freezing the parts of me that were once warm. Now every ounce of warmth is replaced with reality. The bittersweet truth. That this is me. A mess.

I had a heart that would fit everyone in. Now I can barely let myself through the front door. I can’t trust I mean I betray my own skin. For the love of god, I need help.

I never quite got to say thank you.
Thank you for saving me when I couldn’t save myself.
Thank you for making me feel loved when I thought it was impossible.
Thank you for making me feel at home in your presence when I felt so out of place and lost everywhere else.

maybe we aren't fundamentally weak
but we just have a small fraction of a moment when we're weak
and in that moment, we lay in bed too sad to move a limb or we simply do not want to see the world beyond our front door
this is ok
we are not weak to the core we are weak in the moment

how do they have the audacity to tell us we're too demanding
when all we want
when all we ask for is the same love we give to be returned

if insecurity was a religion people would follow nothing else
if self doubt was a political party people would vote for no one else
if depression was a country people would feel at home nowhere else

I've become so needy for approval since you left
I need someone to tell me I'm worthy
I'm special
I'm doing fine
Most of all I need to believe it
I need to accept it
Accept it's not coming from you but it's still just as true.

i hope today is the day your smile is genuine
i hope today you appreciate yourself and your efforts
that smile of yours is wealth to the poor
and medicine to the sick

if you try hard enough maybe your smile will be permanent