A letter for myself to fall back on
I know you're tired and alone at heart
& perhaps next time you read this, you'll be feeling the same
But I know you'll find someone to open to, someone who'll stay
I know you had constant lows and highs that are far & few
But you're young & you have time still, so relax & focus please
You have a path waiting to embarked on
You're just struggling to find the start...but it'll come
Be patient & everything you'll desire will arrive at the right time
The warmth you crave, the ideal place in life where it at it's peak
It exists, you're truly too kind not to find what you're looking for
You're broken, but time & the right person will heal you
So please don't give up
Do yourself proud, do your mother proud
Do your Nana proud, we know she's watching over us
They sacrificed everything for you & still do so now
So you could be at the place you are now
They pointed you in the direction to your path
So let's do everything we can to get there

We'll make it through the nights alone where we dread to end the day alone & the mornings where we dread another day of sorrowful thoughts and pessimism. You'll be ok...we'll be okay.

Don't falter & don't give in. We got this.

When the sun is down
The moon comes around to try & hug her
Night & day are lovers
Forever chasing each other
An endless endeavour like no other
They are meant for one another
Hiding their feelings behind the Earth's cover
During dusk & dawn, they blend their colours
It's their love they utter
The moon adores the sun more during summer
In awe of her in her element
Surrounded by stars, he stays celibate
Astounded by her being above par
Far above, yet still with benevolence
No one comes close, they're irrelevant
Shines so bright, she must be heaven sent

Endless struggles
Shrug away & fend against the endless hurdles
Feint & sway from self-pity that's internal
External words of wisdom & health are eternal saint
Convert hurt for something  more divinely quaint
Reminded that fate states & destiny is what awaits
Blinded by paranoia that one's mind creates
Find mistakes that cause focus on repercussions
Hopeless individual like the rest of your kind
There's beauty that we all align on this basis
Our collective tears could form an oasis
Daydreaming from being reflective on past cases
Stay believing that the sorrow is in its last traces
Pray the endless fray ends tomorrow, it'd be gracious
Littered with thousands of thoughts until we're senseless
Bitter from being weak & defenseless

I can never make up my mind
Don't know if I want day or nighttime
Can't choose if I want to be in or outside
Maybe I want to be alone, or have you by my side
Can't decide if my cry for help is justified
Should I tell the truth or should I have lied
To be open about my feelings, or to hide
Is it ok to not hold back tears & to cry
Let waters swallow me or ride the tide
To be closed off or have my arms open wide

When he wakes, it ends his sound dreamscapes
Profound takes on the world around him
We're all walking through sorrow
& gasping for air as we drown in sin
Today is akin to tomorrow
So he hopes tomorrow doesn't follow
He just needs to borrow some love
So his head can stay above, when push comes to shove

Life's never too Ideal, it's like stormy weather
Two eyed child with his third eye's perspective severed
Heard of blessings, received a curse & wants it tethered
Hates the weights on his consciousness & wants it feathered
Fate states he's never to end with this endeavour
Forever to be displeasured
He's just sought the comfort he so vividly treasures
Taught effort won't make him triumphant, doesn't matter
***-for tat, in tatters, with his hope set to shatter soon
The night sky is his mind & his dreams are the moon

It's sad to say that I know I'm not on anyone's mind
Being my friend is just a fad, nothing consistently kind
In just a tad, I know you're going to leave me behind
Wish I was stronger, I wish I had tough skin like rind

Eyes ajar, still can't gaze far
No one dies, still feel subpar
Time flies & the days say their goodbyes
& you won't know my struggles, there's no memoir
Don't like to parade my weakness
I lust for people to see the value of my uniqueness
So bye trust, I can't reclaim you
Heart's inflamed & my mind hurts too,
I blamed & despised myself, so curse you
Find it hard to love, because it brings pain too
Yet I still seek validation regardless
I'm aware of my low valuation,
But please take me irregardless
This desire to be held needs to be quelled
Numerous attempts have been withheld
Inner contretemps between fear & paranoia
Has been ruinous. Don't feel contempt; I'm in ruins

Sinking moods, forever stuck in interlude
Staring at grey skies like it's a reflection of the mind
Bearing no fruits of labour; a slave to life's servitude
Constant excessive sighs & an inability to unwind

Only light in one's eyes, is a reflection off one's phone
No life in one's voice, only a overcast monotone
Vessel's surrounded, but one's soul is alone
Drained from weeping & can't even groan

Liquor & ******; distractions from the consciousness
To put the anguish at ease, digressions is a necessity
Shut the door on itself & swallow the keys
Endlessly stuck in a state of cecity

Mother only had a father figure until '75
Only up to a few days before her first candle was he alive
A singular heart attack to cause multiple heartbreaks
Widowing a woman with four kids...they need to strive
Despite being born in '98, I only had a father since '12
Fourteen years of searching for a father figure; i'd delve
Chapters worth of excuses for disappearing, the nth book to shelve

Get in the bed like you get in the coffin
Supposed to have the last breath, but he's still coughing
Breath in, exhale. An accordion
Sign the accord, have the wealth be accorded too
But according to accusations, his health has been recorded too
Can't run, born acaudal. Bit tipsy off the caudle
Birthed with ton weights to the ankles
Non-progressive like he's earthed
Moral state, oral debate, heart rate
More slate, foresee hate, i'll wait

Starved of care & love
Head's underwater & I struggle to stay above
Because I'm empty inside, so I cannot float
The taste of metal on my tongue
& Lead passes through my throat
Waking up from up from those inner desires
Life's a cruel mistress & she never tires

I've got to concede, I'm in a ton of sorrow
Pray for a better tomorrow, I'm on borrowed time
I say I'm fine, but I'm dying inside
Pain in silence is a dire crime
Reaching the end of the line
That's not just because I have no one to call
Looks like the ground is going to catch me,
I have no one to lean on & I'm about to fall
Getting by is a tall order,
I'm mentally at the edge, I'm at the border
My anxieties try to govern me, but I try to ignore her
In a quarter-life crisis with a gaze of strife in my iris
Please end this, what I seek is at the end of the abyss
I promise myself that things will look up
But I'm always looking down
Because there's nothing to look forward to

If I spoke underwater about the things that I hated
I'd run out of gas and the water would be carbonated
It's belated, but I realise that everyone I've dated
Faded away because they found someone 'better'
I just guess that means I'm fated to be rated second
So this girl wants to get down with me
But doesn't want anything higher
Yet I'll keep running back & stand by her
Feelings of objectification
I guess my body is like a slum & I need some gentrification

Quick thought, fate deems me to be forsaken
Faith has been shaken, your love was just a ruse
You love to decide when you feel for me, you pick and choose
You make me feel blue, ironically that's my favourite colour
I have no clue what to do about you, because there will be no other
I understand that loves a mountain and you have to trek to the top
But the peak is below sea level and I don't want to drown, so I think we should stop

You're supposed to learn from your mistakes right?
Then explain why I opened my eyes
And didn't just stay asleep like it was one long night
Everyone says my future is bright,
But the bulb has gone out
And there's no replacement in sight
Guess I just gotta hold tight
And wander through these dark times
Maybe one day, I can go up in Life: a new height
To see the sun shine over the horizon
To flicker light into my eye which is oh so white

The only person that listens to me is my external dialogue
You call it schizophrenia, I call it a duologue
But in reality it's just, it's just that in a group of two
I am my own leader, subject, enemy and compeer
Born out of a fear of being alone, my mind began to sere
And unintentionally planted a voice into each cerebral hemisphere

Mind like a night sky
Far-off stars dying, make me want to die too
Forever gazing at the day sky
Sky blue like the denim above my shoe
The sky looks stained through my window
As I stare, self-contained in thy limbo

Dropping bombs on your homes, make them catacombs
But maybe to some, that would make them feel right at home
But baby you ache, for a dose of that catamol
So I know you're awake, but I know you haven't got a soul
Craving that shake to your system
You say you don't miss him, but the world saw you kiss him
Got a ghastly way of thinking, a broken ism
The look in your eyes is eternally dim
As he cries, the tears seem to be sempiternal additionally
May it be, forever so to see, however it has to be
Straight from the catamol that you adore, all the way down to ecstasy
An ex to me, clocking the hours you came and left me
Whenever it was convenient, equal to a convenience store
Port & Starboard, in & out, I ought to deplore

Dropping bombs on your homes, make them catacombs
But maybe to some, that would make them feel right at home
But baby you ache, for a dose of that catamol
So I know you're awake, but I know you haven't got a soul
Craving that shake to your system
You say you don't miss him, but the world saw you kiss him
Got a ghastly way of thinking, a broken ism
The look in your eyes is eternally dim

I've given up on giving up
Whats the point of stopping halfway down the mile stretch
I've broken down a million times
Reconstruct me into something stronger
I've cried on a daily basis
Let this be the fuel for my future confrontations
I've wanted to end my life on so many occasions
I should stop playing God and allow myself to die naturally
I've always thought my life was full of negatives
When in reality,  every negative has a opposite
A positive. And that is worth waiting for

If I'm wrong about God
I've wasted my own life

If you're wrong about God
You've wasted your whole eternity

Amen, Bless you, I love thee
You are the one who guides me
Whether you're fiction or non-fiction
You have given thy a direction

You're in my daydreams, I question my sanity
Can't get my head around you, cause me to use profanity
All it takes is one simple kind gesture to rekindle my fire
And instantly you will be my absolute upmost desire
Infecting my thoughts, can not stop thinking of you
You're in my dreams and nightmares, to name a few
You're my deepest wish, what I want the most
And my largest regret, something I won't obtain